Triple-A Minesweeper
minesweeper.mikelacher.comSo good.
Maybe lean into some of the metal gear solid dialogue by having a long back and forth about "What's a mine?" "What do you mean 'mark a mine'?" "How do I know when I'm done?" etc.
I really enjoy this trope. The "Zelda Ocarina of Time if it were a modern game" series has the MGS style discussion, and the whole series is incredible.
Here is the forest temple video which is a short sample of what to expect: https://youtu.be/KC656o7_zVk
The game 'UnMetal' takes this trope as far as it can be taken. https://store.steampowered.com/app/1203710/UnMetal/
It's probably a bit too far, but nevertheless enjoyable for the comedic effect.
Jesus Christ. I hate it. So so much.
I've never been able to put my thumb on it, and I just chalked it up to me being older now, but I'm not a big fan of a lot of games. And this video opened the curtains as to why. Just so much hand holding and noise.
Did you like Myst? That was the complete opposite end of the spectrum.
Title screen video gives a vague story. Game starts. No dialog. No text. Just ... clicking and discovering the rest of the story.
I fucking loved that game. That and the Dr. Brain games define my childhood. Oh and gizmos and gadgets. And Commander Keen. And Descent. And Hillsfar. And Deathtrack.
But also yes, I did enjoy Myst. It's also what I enjoyed about Minecraft when it first came out. You just had to figure your shit out or get killed by zombies.
The market for video games is now on the close order of 1000 times larger than it was when Myst was released. It now includes the General Public, and all that entails.
Also there are a lot more high-quality games available now, for a lot less money. In the '80s and '90s you might spend $50-100 on a bad game and you'd play it anyways because you couldn't return it. Even if you could, your local game store only stocked so many things.
Now if you're paying full price for a game you've at least had the ability to read reviews and you know it's going to be half price in a year but you want it now. You also have tens of thousands of other games to pick from in basically any genre you want, accessible more or less on demand.
I don't remember which game it was, but I'm pretty sure it was a ubisoft game, maybe AC3, where it felt so much like a tutorial that I spent the entire game wondering when I'd get out of the tutorial and onto the real game.
It ruined the game for me, because I never felt like I was let free to actually play the game.
Video games make more money than all of Hollywood combined.
They’re not niche geeky things, they are the most mass of mass media. Their target market includes the the people for whom the “do not ingest” label appears on bottles of bleach, as well as the parents for whom the “this is not a toy” appears in huge letters on plastic packaging bags.
Of course they have to say things in the simplest possible language, repeated 3 times in text AND audio. Otherwise half of their audience will be confused and frustrated, because they have two digit IQs.
"Sweeper, press the X button to mark a mine."
"X... button?"
"Focus, Sweeper! Sweeper? SWEEPEEEER!"
I liked the triple-a minesweeper better than the windows original. First time i won the game.
“Why are we still here? Just to suffer?”
Amazing. Sat there for about five minutes listening to the dialogue, wasn't until I started hearing repeats that I realized it was actually interactive and not just an unnecessarily long opening cutscene.
Incidentally, as of Windows 8, Microsoft replaced OG Minesweeper with an overdesigned mobile game-inspired app with daily challenges and in-game purchases[1].
I've been carrying the orignal versions of Minesweeper and Solitaire from (checks Properties) Windows NT 3.51 in my "random bin" directory for years, chosen, I believe, because they're 32-bit, have none of the graphical changes introduced in later versions, and don't rely on any non-core system DLLs. They still run fine under Windows 11, though you have to jump through hoops to open their help files (namely, dig up a copy of winhlp32.exe and open them from within it, because modern Windows versions block the ability to add file associations for .hlp files, instead redirecting to a series of progressively less useful web sites).
[1] https://apps.microsoft.com/detail/9wzdncrfhwcn?hl=en-US&gl=U...
36 goddamn seconds, mere moments are waking and, for what?! stabbed in the back again. i knew she wasn't good for it, why didn't i trust my instincts. all those people, so many goddamn people, and now this?! i ain't sweeping no more, i'm out.
Nice but the logos are skippable, which is not realistic.
Also, since it's an Unreal game, it's missing long load times, camera jitter, frame spikes, and dynamic resolution constantly kicking in.
It's also missing overly shiny textures and the horrible delayed input on Unreal games...
What is that effect called where text "glitches" with like chromatic abberation around the edges... SGRRK
but muh Steam's 30% cut, or something
Unreal Engine and the Epic Games Store have nothing to do with each other really.
You can get some royalty fee's reduced by launching on Epic Games Store but that's it.
Most Unreal Engine games are distributed by Steam.
ALSO, fun fact while we're here.. to display the Unreal Engine logo on startup you're supposed to ask Epic Games for permission; but since it's the default project splash screen (meant to be replaced) people just assume that they want the publicity and that it's part of using the engine- Epic doesn't feel like enforcing this because they don't see the point.
So, feel free to remove it, and if you see it, just know that the developers very likely didn't read the agreement they signed when they started using the Engine :)
Source: the last unreal engine technical advisory board in Stockholm; I too didn't read this from the agreement ...
It's a bit hit-or-miss whether logos are skippable. Some games let you, some don't.
It's often a cover to mask loading times anyway.
I wished it was just all into logos and no actual game. That's the real AAA experience.
Don't forget the unskippable launcher without controller support.
Bonus points if the launcher is the only thing blocking it from working properly on Proton.
Or if it's a multiplayer game that, when it crashes, by the time you get past the crash reporter, the unskippable launcher, the unskippable logos, the unskippable epilepsy warning, and the unskippable title screen intro animation, the window for reconnecting without penalty will have passed.
This is exactly what I thought the Web was going to be like. Imagine the renaissance era of Classic Web if people could realize their clever ideas like this so easily.
The web is like this right now! You gotta go through noise and mess of it all! There's so many crazy people making weird stuff and sharing it all the time! You gotta find it!!!
What's lacking is human-curated directories of such things, webrings, and pages listing site authors' personal favorites.
Largely replaced by social media, I suppose, including of course HN.
I just don’t find it often enough!
theres an FPS version of minesweeper out there
Does anyone know if the voices are AI-generated? I was a little surprised; I don't think I would have questioned it if I heard them in a real game or video but since this seems to basically be a joke, I'm doubtful real voice actors were used.
The frontier of voice synth has reached roughly human parity. It’s also very inexpensive.
I’d be shocked if we don’t have mainstream games with AI voices soon.
they definitely sound ai generated yeah
100%
There is also the classic "Minesweeper - The Movie"[1]
"That clock is gonna keep ticking until it reaches 9-9-9!"
"What happens then?"
"Nothing. You just suck."
But I didn't need to install a publisher specific launcher to run it.
And then be forced to download a 42GiB update.
And accept telemetry and marketing!
And I don't think my accomplishments are being recorded!
I was angry at the wasted 30 seconds of opening licensed 3rd party software listings, but I stayed through to the end of the credits roll, laughing until I cried.
This is Art.
I think the opening logo sequence is too short. Also it's missing agreement to 2-3 EULAs that you have to scroll down all the way for the accept button to get enabled. And the epilepsy warning. And the disclaimer that it's all a work of fiction.
Failed certification because it didn’t warn you not to turn off when the save icon is spinning.
I always wondered about this one on PC games. What kind of person quits a game by hard powering off their PC or forcably terminating the game process with something like Task Manager? Because any reasonable way to quit a PC game can either be blocked by the game itself while it's saving (Alt+F4, which is an application shortcut, not a system shortcut), or delayed for long enough to save (graceful shutdowns and reboots).
You may underestimate how many people try to play big ass games on slow or resource short PCs. With old hard disks it wasn't uncommon for saving to stun lock the computer for surprisingly long periods of time.
Also missing the redirect to your browser to connect to Epic Games and create a SweeperPro account with 2FA
That was a perfect execution. I almost saw a Kojima Game by Hideo Kojima title. The only thing missing was the dialogue at the end of the credits, where Xero says that "Afghanistan is where the answer lives."
I lol’d when they said “there’s no time to waste”… after making me watch five splash screens.
Thank you for making this. Biting commentary on modern video games.
I was hoping for the thing where you play through like half of the game and only then it shows you the title against a dramatic vista.
I was absolutely hoping to see production babies in the credits. Can’t win ‘em all.
No pets credited either.
they only do that in good games
Missing:
Sidequest to sweep 10 mines.
Achievement after sweeping 5 mines
The yellow diamond is nice but what if I don't notice the diamond? I need a colored scent trail leading from my cursor to the yellow diamond, and a pinging noise when my cursor is near a mine
Mocapped mines
Jack Quaid
$70
Sorry, did you mean Achievement for Starting the Game for the First Time?
it took me an hour to realize that i needed to double click to start the game. i tried switching browsers, using a vpn/proxy, turning off ublock... nothing helped...
"Only 7.89% of gamers unlocked this".
There should be additional audio logs you can find under some squares that provide snippits of backstory.
This is minesweeper 33. I'n out sweeping mines and I ran across one that looks different than the others. I'll keep investigating while mine sweeping. I'm recording this 30 second clip onto an entire recording device with a 64gb SD card. I'll leave it on this rock for others to find. Don't worry, I have 11 other devices to record my short messages. Wait, the mine, it's glowing! I can't--
Those will be in the $50 DLC
So good. Looking forward to level 2 so we can find out what happened in Singapore.
That will be coming in the first DLC in a few months, delayed because it is being developed by a new team after the original development studio was bought by Activision, retasked to making a mobile solitaire game, then laid off.
so, in case if you like minesweeper and doom ... https://dreadsweeper.franzai.com/
This was incredibly enjoyable thanks for sharing.
Needs:
- Checkpoints after each mine
- DLC for rounded corners
The DLC is a hat for John Sweeper.
It really does need a store with skins, several kinds of currencies, and loot boxes!
needs taa smearing and shader compilation hitches too
WHAT HAPPENED IN SINGAPORE?!
I like the part where it doesn't even matter if you hit a mine, you are on this train ride regardless of what you do.
This is too good. And the main reason why I don't play games today!
Manufactured emotions and hand holding for 'an experience' instead of just fun.
I missed achievements and loading times! Some shader recompilation before the level load would have been tops :)
Please expand this into a full open-world minesweeping game
10/10 story. I look forward to the forthcoming motion picture adaptation from Skydance directed by Michael Bay.
After Singapore, there just wasn't any choice.
The subtitles covering the board while the narrator keeps telling me to focus is painfully accurate. The credits were the best part.
Fun! The credits were probably the highlight for me.
Heck yeah, it was great. But OMG the captions over the bottom of the play area almost drove me nuts! Still, it's quite a piece of art, even if I don't really understand it (typical).
I'd buy it just to learn what happened in Singapore.
Despite all the stuff it's parodying, this is still a lot better than Bomberman: Act Zero.
Perfection.
No lootboxes?
There aren't even any skins I can buy with my mom's credit card.
It's also missing a tutorial.
Do "AAA" games these days really have that much talking by default? Painful.
Look! I swept all the mines! https://imgur.com/a/7OJxBy9
I love the parody. Is this a treatise on modern game development? I hope so.
the non-stopping narration makes it so hard to actually sweep the mines....
Don: Sounds like you're getting rusty. The Sweeper I knew in Singapore would never have choked like this from just a little background noise.
Focus, M.
i could block that out. the subtitles covering the area were more annoying.
That was a great parody, but how much of those effects still worked even though you knew it was coming? The fade ins, blurring the outsides, the emotional voice talking to you... it definitely raised my interest more than just opening minesweeper!
I mean, it doesn't last very long without something else going on, but there is a reason.
> That was a great parody, but how much of those effects still worked even though you knew it was coming? The fade ins, blurring the outsides, the emotional voice talking to you...
Worked?
The game takes a very long time to load. This is funny, but not desirable in an actual game.
There is voiceover dialogue as you start. You can listen to it, but at some point you'll want to start playing the game.
There is an indicator telling you which square to clear next. I ignored this for several reasons:
- I want to know if you're compelled to follow it (you aren't);
- It's pointing to the wrong square;¹
- Following it would defeat the entire purpose of playing the game.
Dialogue continues as you play. But you can't listen to it because your mind is occupied. Following the indicator would solve that problem...
¹ There is a game you can find called Hexcells that is supposed to be an "improved" version of minesweeper. The "improvements" are two:
1. It's a hex grid, not a square grid.
2. In general, there is only one hex known to be clear at any given time. This means that the structure of the game is that you mindlessly reveal whichever tile you just gained information about rather than suffering under any obligation to think about what you can tell from the board.
I'm not sure why this was supposed to be an improvement; the only effect is to remove the entire puzzle aspect from a puzzle game. But hey, Steam reviews are "overwhelmingly positive". https://store.steampowered.com/app/265890/Hexcells/
> In general, there is only one hex known to be clear at any given time. This means that the structure of the game is that you mindlessly reveal whichever tile you just gained information about rather than suffering under any obligation to think about what you can tell from the board.
That is not remotely an accurate description of Hexcells. Either you didn't play it, or you didn't play it more than the early levels. In Hexcells, you do not just have info on the tiles, but also along rows of hexes (telling you how many are in that row, and sometimes if they are contiguous or separate), as well as some hexes which tell you how many tiles you need to flag in a radius around them. It is fairly common that you need to combine multiple pieces of information about the board state in order to deduce what the next move is, with some of the later puzzles being so complicated at points that you practically have to bust out pencil and paper to work through the logic.
And all of that, while interesting, is not the improvement of Hexcells over Minesweeper (nor are the hexagon cells). The improvement is that you never, ever have to guess blindly and have the game tell you if you were wrong. Every puzzle can be worked out through sheer logic, though some do require you to guess at a hypothesis and then do a long chain of logic to prove or disprove if that would be a valid move (kind of like sudoku puzzles often do). The expanded mechanics are interesting too, but just the fact that you don't ever have to guess blindly is a massive improvement.
>First, the game takes a very long time to load. This is funny, but not desirable in an actual game.
In unrealistic fashion, you can in fact mash through the license logos once you load in. So thr game itself doesn't actually take long at all to boot up on a technical level; the delays were a design choice.
Is it always wrong when it says "I think there's a mine here"? It seemed to to me on my playthough...
[edit]
Oh, it says "I think there's a mine here" when you mark a location, but the yellow-diamond is "click here because there's no mines" it's not related to what is being said.
I need to sweep these mines!
Great parody - very "Focus, M"-esque. Often, it feels that we've lost sight of "If it's not fun, why bother".
And which half of the staff gets fired day after release?
This made me laugh. The credits broke me haha
the whole point of mine sweeper is to be fast. Extra things is slowing it down. It is too complicated for a simple game.
What no 30 minute shaders compiling sequence?
That's hilarious. Spot on.
Intro is too long
hahaha! That's pretty funny. That credit tho. Just how many engineers you need to make a minesweeper game?
Thanks for sharing! It made my day.
This was great, but honestly, I would have enjoyed a non-joke take on this. Like, but with a cinematic story around it.
Where do we get the soundtrack and merch?
I missed "compiling shaders"
Wow the ending credits music was actually pretty awesome
I'm going to go ahead and assume everything we see and hear in a joke project like this is AI generated.
Felix Varga and Johanna Kowalski (Online Services Engineers) must have done a really good job - with all the traffic from the HN front page login servers didn't go down and queue was almost instant.
You need to add achievements/trophies! Definitely need to achieve a trophy for clicking on the very first square, finding the first mine, your first flag, etc.
icymi, we can also do this with Mario https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMh_APo2Xss
Should have done some shader compilation
Was expecting Hideo Kojima in the credits.
Needs an 'always online' requirement
Ok but like... Kojima vibes. 10/10 best trippppllleee AAYYyyyyy game to come out this year lol
Mine Sweeper: Tom Clancy's Sweep Job
Can I get an FPS overlay for this?
I need to sweep these mines.
We need a day-1 patch to align the mines to the center of their tile.
I thought for sure a popup was going to appear asking me to log in with Games For Windows Live!
Sweep (2026)
Where do I enter my credit card info for the Season Pass and the special operator skin?
Needs a 128GB RAM, 100GB free disk space requirement.
I'm curious which TTS model was used for the "Nora" voice. I kept noticing vocal artifacts in her speech disfluencies. Which bothers me more than it probably should...
Fancy playing the standard edition when the deluxe edition has a limited edition enhanced selection icon, a music cd and a small plastic mine.
There might be a mine here
Pac-Man as a Modern AAA Game: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaoUVVD-hUc
I should follow those pac-dots...
Brilliant. You nailed it! Still laughing.
Finally, a Minesweeper with a side quest.
Is there a help card? Or, how do you turn off the CC captions? They obscure the bottom of the play field on my Mactop.
This is hilarious
Incredible
The ending needed to force you to click on a mine so you die in the cutscene lmao.
First time I've laughed out loud at one of these sorts of things in a while...
I was expecting it to open up on some WW2 style battlefield with smoke and explosions, but this was better.
I need to sweep these mines!
Needs the epilepsy warning and Activision account login, plus TOS consent screen, network login failure warning, new DLC series content updates
Funniest is, you can hit every single mine with no drawbacks.
I feel like there's some reference to the recent Wolverine game and it's unfailable driving sequences in that ...
Brilliant! You nailed it.
Not even a dlc and cosmetics?
Art
I laughed way way way too hard
Needs Debra Wilson
That was awesome
The part where the subtitles hide the mines is the best for me. Also talk with Ubisoft - they make AAAA games.
Damn I didn't even have to Press Start to begin
omg this is brilliant i was IMMEDIATELY tilting my face off
This is fun.
now add a kernel level rootkit and a monthly subscription which guarantees a set amount of loot-boxes a month.
Made me lol, thanks :D
lol perfect execution. I cracked up with the smiley face lip sync.
Lmao