No One at Waffle House Remembers FEMA Official Who Says He Teleported In
nytimes.comPhillips said on Truth Social that this happened while "heavily medicated" during cancer treatment he didn't expect to survive. What he's describing (ending up 50 miles away with no memory of the trip, feeling scared and out of control) is a textbook dissociative fugue [1]. Chemo causes delirium in 57-85% of patients [2], and the benzodiazepines, corticosteroids, and opioids typically prescribed alongside it can all independently trigger dissociative episodes [3].
He provided his own medical explanation and then attributed it to God instead.
[1] https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/pharmacology-toxicology...
[2] https://www.healthline.com/health/confusion-after-chemothera...
I love this because it explains so much about the human mind. Rationally, it was the medication. Emotionally, it was Jesus.
Ive always wondered how the motion of the earth would factor into instantaneous teleportation between to points on the same planet. Do you need to account for that to prevent yourself from being beamed underground or into space? Or does the fact that the source and destination are within the same inertial frame of reference make this one of those physics problems where the most complicated part turns out to be entirely irrelevant to the end-state?
Well according to the guy making the claim, it was divine intervention, so I guess God just did the math?
Was it Asimov or Heinlein who wrote about the kinetic-energy problem of teleporting around the globe? I think one proposal that the enormous losses accrued in some directions could be somehow banked against the enormous gains in reverse trips (reverse in energy flow, not in location - a 12-hour visit would mean both trips had the same "polarity").
Increasingly hard to determine which are The Onion headlines...
Why would they? At Waffle House, that is just another minute between 0 and 59. But of course we are assuming that he teleported to the back of the line.
Isn't teleportation inextricably linked to time travel (to the extent that either one is actually possible)? My point being that the staff might not remember him yet.
He claims in the article to have teleported twice which means that he could have teleported to a future waffle house (maybe even one that has not yet been constructed) before teleporting to the present.
When you try and pass mental illness off as teleportation. It's called dissociation, Gregg.
TIL Tucker Carlson was mauled by a daemon.
Another gem: https://rmitz.org/freebsd.daemon.html
Tucker Carlson quite clearly just had a sleep paralysis [1]. I had one too. Scared the shit out of me when it happened. Since you can't move or breath and the hallucination of a robed figure sitting on top of you is really vivid. Quite interesting the human brain chooses to conjecture a hallucination which is about the same for everyone who experiences it.
I only (rarely) get it in the morning, right before I'm about to fully wake up. I always panic because I'm desperate to move on my own, even though I know I shouldn't. But I've never seen a demon or anything, just my room – though it's an imagined version because my eyes aren't actually open yet, and usually when I wake up the room and lighting look quite different.
When I get sleep paralysis, I either see shadows or aliens (the typical Hollywood grey ones with big heads) surrounding my bed.
Greys for me too, thanks to tv shows about abduction on tv as a kid no doubt
Looks like that cuts off the article for me, this works though: https://archive.md/cFIf2
We have lunatics in my country. But they aren't running the government (as far as I know).
Mmmhn. Or is this the self-enforced ignorance that's damning the country?
'cause if you read the article: Former Representative Matt Gaetz recently said that a U.S. Army official had told him about “hybrid breeding programs, where captured aliens were breeding with humans to create some hybrid race that could engage in intergalactic communication.”
And that's just the stuff from the article. I won't even go outside the article (it's considered domestic terrorism to point out crazies bc the crazies are "running the government")
JD Vance, the guy who is one heartbeat away from the Presidency, believes aliens are demons[0].
Pete Hegseth believes the war in Iran is a holy war that will bring about the Second Coming of Christ[1].
Secretary of HHS RFK Jr. doesn't believe germ theory is real[2].
Kash Patel believes the QAnon narrative about the "deep state" and "stolen election"[3] and has an "enemies list"[4]. Of course a lot of Republicans believe this now, it's kind of become a party platform.
Stephen Miller is a nazi[5]. Again, these beliefs have become normalized, so he's just the one example of many.
Who knows what Trump even believes from moment to moment but it doesn't seem tethered to reality. His conspiratorial beliefs have their own Wikipedia page[6].
And of course everyone remembers MTG and "Jewish Space Lasers"[7].
I think it would be easier to list everyone running the government who isn't some kind of a lunatic:
[0]https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2026/apr/02/jd-van...
[1]https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/iran-pete-hegseth-ho...
[2]https://www.npr.org/sections/shots-health-news/2025/06/14/nx...
[3]https://www.wired.com/story/kash-patel-qanon/
[4]https://newrepublic.com/article/188946/kash-patel-fbi-enemie...
[5]https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/18/us/politics/stephen-mille...
[6]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_conspiracy_theories_pr...
[7]https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/marjorie-taylor-gree...
> I think it would be easier to list everyone running the government who isn't some kind of a lunatic:
I'm struggling to start that...
(Comedy writing mode ON):
SNL's Stefon character: "This one has it all... Waffle House, FEMA, breakfast foods, federal emergencies, waffles, emergency preparedness, eggs, teleportation, bacon, black helicopters, hash browns, angry men in combat fatigues talking to God over 2-way radios, George Carlin, grits, syrup for the grits, toast, military communications, orange juice, armageddon/end-of-the-world apocalypse themes, milk, coffee and other breakfast items... all for a very reasonable price!"
:-)
(Comedy writing mode OFF)
I had a... weird night at the bar once, it ended early, I wasn't all that tipsy but if I kept going I definitely would have called the uber. I get to the gate and my keys fall to the floor of my car. The last thing I remember is thinking "fuck it."
I wake up the next morning in my bed, feels like a normal morning, but I can't find my keys. After scouring my apartment for half an hour, I get the feeling to go check my car, where the keys I would have needed to buzz into the gate, the building, and the elevator were waiting for me right there on the floor of the passenger side seat.
I don't know what's weirder, that I managed to find my bed without my keys, or that sober me actually listened to the urge to go back down the elevator and check my car.
you drove home drunk?
If you must know, I got my second DUI last year. I no longer drink and drive. The concept of fun is a distant one these days. Uber costs three times the dinner and drinks. So I stay home.
It’s unkind and insensitive to mock someone clearly having mental health issues.
It’s unkind and insensitive to elevate mentally ill people to high positions of power that can effect millions of people.
bunch of dweebs!
how could you not remember that all government teleports come with a spell of foorgetfullness,short dorks, scheesh!
Who amongst us has NOT had a little teleport at 2am? /s
Reminds me of this old article from The Onion:
Phantom Diner Appears Only To Those In Their Drunkest Hour https://theonion.com/phantom-diner-appears-only-to-those-in-...
He also claims to have teleported to (of all places) a ditch. What could possibly explain this phenomenon?
Had he just come from John Malkovich's head?
Came here to say this. If you want to find someone who has teleported to food, head to a Waffle House or Denny's at 2 am in a college town.