Ask HN: How did you get your drive back?
Feeling lost at the moment, and don't feel like repeating myself to an LLM for advice again so I thought I would maybe ask here.
So I'm in my early 30's, I've built the career and got all the high position roles one strives for in our profession, travelled everywhere, lived and worked overseas and done everything I've wanted to except starting my own business.
2020 came which I feel wiped me out (mentally and economically). I've just now I would say recovered a bit, set myself up with a year worth of living expenses and moved abroad.
This should be the time where someone should go head on and try make some money on their own but instead I'm just tired. I feel like when I was younger all that effort came so easy, I was curious, I wanted things. Now I'm so lost, anxious and filled with doubt thanks to global events and AI.
I went on a shroom trip last week that taught me that I am capable, but the after effects wore off and I'm back to being me. I feel like a 20 year old. How do I not waste my time/savings and what do I focus on? Is it making the project that is fun to build my confidence? Or making money? It's only day 5 since I've moved and I'm already thinking about going back lol
Was anyone in a similar spot? What helped you? A couple of suggestions: 1. Do some introspection to learn what you actually want (vs what the society around you tells you to want). Free yourself of judgement of your true ambitions and accept what you care about. 2. Follow your curiosity. Do things that interest you, not because there is any end goal or destination but just for the sheer love of it. 3. Help someone else. Focusing on yourself (which we all do) tends to depress. Focusing on other people tends to uplift. Every time you interact with someone else, ask yourself how you can make their day better and take at least one action (could be as simple as a smile, a thoughtful compliment, a gift, whatever) Honestly, what makes you happy? A lot of people spend their time doing what they think will make them appear fulfilled to others instead of actually fulfilling themselves. You're very right, thank you. Do you have a bf or gf? I do not, would it help? Yes. What about friends? My friends all work and aren't focused on anything other than paying off their mortgages and living stable lives. Which is good but the deep conversations are mostly about how unsatisfied they are with the cost of living which in turn makes me more anxious to try something new. Basically I have no entrepreneurial dreamer friends > Basically I have no entrepreneurial dreamer friends Welcome to getting old with your friends. I still hang out with my life long high school friends. None of them are anything like me and that is good. Sometimes it can get boring because I cant talk tech but whatever, there are plenty of other things to talk about. It also helps to make new friends. I met a bunch of people through an open source project which is fantastic. Those people I get to talk tech with. Though I have also lost the zeal for going out. I feel that a transient lifestyle makes meaningful social interaction less common which can leave people starving for deeper social connections. Maybe that contributed and you need to a social boost? After covid I felt less inclined to go out and that has effected me deeply as I am socially starved but feel like I have little social energy or inclination to go out. I also stopped drinking for health reasons so I don't go to bars or clubs anymore. I just fuck around with hobby stuff and hang out once in a while with old friends when the chance rolls around. I mean theres no doubting you're 100% right. I actually met this self described actor last week on my travels over here, he basically went all in on the goal of trying to be an actor I think only a couple years ago. Mind you he's only playing short films but the drive and excitement he has, thats the kind of friend I wish I had. Of course it was a fleeting friendship as he lives in a different country but a great friendship would make things easier thats for sure It's easy to get enamored with someone who appears to be a super star or go-getter. Not to say they won't make a good friend but ask yourself what is the attraction to this person? Do we want relationships with "interesting people" to live vicariously through their success? Maybe we want someone to compete with or inspire us with confidence to succeed? Or do we want them to be a REAL friend, the kind of person who will give you the shirt off their back and help you move because they care about you, not because they feel obligated. These are not necessarily mutually incompatible but not easy to find someone with energy who takes time out of their life to selflessly help others with mundane life issues, like moving. That is why I value my old school friends. They will always be there for me. I used to idolize the founder of a software project until I met them. Totally humble and nice guy. Incredibly smart yet lives modestly and has a simple job that pays him just enough to live. I was really struck by that and it changed my perception obliterating the idolization and elevating him to a friend. He feels more real to me now. The newer friends I have made through the open source project are certainly good people and I am sure would help someone out if they needed it. I think the value is in appreciating people who are humble in the right areas yet project confidence in their knowledge. They respond respectfully with patience while understanding peoples abilities and disabilities. Some of them are driven however, they know when to step back and take a break. I think that last part is important. Don't panic just because you are in a slump - it just makes it worse. Just go with it. I learned I have to give myself leeway in life - not shit on myself and stew in negative thoughts of not "achieving things." Maybe bum around a bit and think about what really makes you happy. I get burnt out too. I even burn myself out on things I like doing which feels even worse. But I realized I have to learn when to take a break and go outside or something. I'll admit, I am STRUGGLING with drive myself. It sucks when your hobbies are related to your work and you get burnt out on all of it - where do you turn for relief? I am trying new things. Trying to meet new people. I used to date but stopped to focus on building a side hustle which is how I burnt myself out. The thing is, as long as you try to do better and keep working to improve yourself where it really matters, you will little by little get your mojo back. You need to start setting small goals and doing them. Like no joke, I did the laundry this morning - GOAL! There is no magic bullet, we're all different. We just have to keep working at finding the right people and things to fulfill our lives. Also, professional help might seem like naval gazing at times. However, if you are willing, it's not just mental health help and advice but also a bit of life coaching. It has helped me realize a lot of my issues are bad habits and thought patterns. You have to catch these negative patterns and try to think of a way to turn them into a positive outcome. A therapist is there to remind you of these thought patterns and remind you to keep yourself aware of them and ways to correct or avoid them. I also am an advocate for medication but only if you feel you need it. Good luck. > But I realized I have to learn when to take a break and go outside or something. This is a big problem for me. I can force myself to step away sometimes, but more often than not I end up chasing a bug or trying to finish "just one more thing". Then I fall into a vicious cycle where I'm tired but keep going anyway -- which only makes things worse. Does anyone else have that problem? Were you able to fix it? Do you have ADHD? Have you ever done any type of psychiatric evaluation with a professional? I say this because I have ADHD And have had that "just one more thing..." hyperfocus until I'm practically pissing or shitting my pants. A lot this mental health stuff is re-training yourself to break and avoid bad habits. Talk therapy is really a mental training session where your therapist gives you exercises and tips, then keeps track of your progress. So with that, you need to train yourself to break that habit. If you need someone to help motivate or remind you, ask a friend maybe. One of the basic ways to start is setting a timer for 20-30 minutes. When that timer goes off - TAKE A BREAK! Doesn't have to be a long one, just get up and do something. Get a drink of water, go look out the window for a few minutes, use the toilet, whatever. Keep doing this. Eventually you will not need the timer and you will start to realize you are hyperfocused and need a break. I'm not perfect and still have hyperfocus stints but they aren't as long or frequent. Thank you, MT. > A lot this mental health stuff is re-training yourself to break and avoid bad habits. :this: > Do you have ADHD? I haven't done any professional evaluation. > setting a timer for 20-30 minutes This is what I've been using, and it works most of the time, but I still get hyperfocus stints, as you say. I guess I have to keep at it. Also, a longer break that includes a walk after a few 25-minute chunks is extremely impactful. When I come back from that, I am so much more effective. > which only makes things worse Could you explain what problem you feel you're facing exactly. From my perspective I'm envious that you have enough drive that the only issue is you can't stop working, I want that so bad. Obviously i'm missing a key bit of info > I'm just tired. > "I'm so lost, anxious and filled with doubt" You sound burned out. Deal with that first. Moving country at this point might not have been the optimal thing to do, but I wouldn't suggest you give up just yet: it does give you a new environment where all those old habits and circles and things are no longer around you. You get to reset. You get to define a new you. But you're going to have to do it slowly, and you're unlikely going to get a whole lot of answers from LLMs or shrooms, and a lot more from asking yourself - and answering honestly and openly - some questions you might not have thought about deeply (as in, repeatedly over many weeks or months, without distraction), in a long time, if ever. What interests you? Each word matters. "What" points to a thing, and is a more interesting question than "Why am I tired?", or "How do I fix this?". You can probably write a list of things, but "Why" is about blame or justification and "How" is about method, technique or skill. "What", just is. "Interests" is not about "passion" or "love" or "desire" or "think will make the most money". It is about what makes your brain feel tickled. It's the thing you can start to create (not what you consume), where you start diving in for 5 minutes and you're still there 2 hours later. I don't mean doom scrolling or media you like - rule out anything where you are not learning deeply about something that will help you create, or creating something directly. "You" is obviously important. Don't try and build your direction based on what other people do if you're feeling like this. Don't try and copy - try and be your authentic self. You can ask others what interests them and think "Huh, me too, I hadn't thought of that", but don't be diving deep into internals of crypto or LLMs or buying a farm or becoming a buddhist unless those things interest you. Again: What. Interests. You? The answer might be "nothing". That's a sign of definite burn-out. It would not surprise me based on what you have written. Take some time for yourself, explore your new home, go and see some sights and read some books (fiction as well as non-fiction - there's more truth in them, in my experience), and for a while (a month or two, maybe longer), just allow yourself to follow your nose. Focus on your physical and mental health for a while. Eat good quality food. Rest. Consider avoiding stimulants like alcohol and recreational drugs. See the next few months as a sort of extended vacation where you get a chance to reset. You ask about how not to "waste your time" and how do you "focus" - maybe the best thing you can do for you in the long-term right now is waste your time and focus on nothing. Had you considered that as an option? After a while - because you're capable, intelligent, conscientious, this is almost inevitable - an idea will start to emerge that you want to focus on. It might not be what you were expecting. It might be building something for yourself (I love writing software for an audience of one: me), or learning a new skill or applying for a job. It could be writing a book or producing art, or learning a musical instrument. It might be in your comfort zone, it might not be. Whatever it is, you'll look at it and think "This interests me".