Ask HN: How many of you feel lonely in a crowd?

I’m sorry to hear that. Loneliness is one of our biggest social problems in the world right now and tbh not much is being done about it. Technology is driving us more and more away from human interaction and it’s becoming harder to actual be around people and even if you are you could still be lonely.

I think you have to find solace in place you find joy and happiness. Even if it’s just going to the park and seeing people walk around. I know it’s not the same as being around people but I feel you. Growing up I never kept many friends and I when I really needed someone to talk too I didn’t have anyone to turn too, no lifetime friends. Even now at work, I don’t keep many friends just colleagues that I talk too at work and nothing more. I do and don’t regret not expanding my horizons, I do because obv I could’ve had someone to talk to when I need too and be around. I don’t because sometimes I realise that lots of people I thought could’ve been friends probs weren’t good friends, they would take more from me than I would give. So yeah.

I hope it gets better.

Yesterday a delivery guy asked me for directions and that interaction was my social high of the weekend. So yeah, I'm rather extremely lonely most of the time, but HN does not help me with that at all.

I just moved to a new city. It’s the first time I’ve moved somewhere without it being for school and having a cohort of people also looking to make friends. I’m a pretty chatty guy that can talk to strangers in a bar, but I’ve had a hard time meeting permanent friends via hobbies or activities (I’m on a rec sports team for example) that could go anywhere. I’m also single so I don’t have a partner that came here with me that is also meeting people out and about. My coworkers are pleasant but I’m not getting friend vibes.

I’m lonely pretty much every day when I’m not at work.

I've grew up as an outsider in pretty much every aspect of my life. I don't have any need to fit in, nor any compulsion to do the thing everyone else is doing. By the time I hit 25 I pretty much realized I don't need people to be happy. Being around other people means entertaining other people. For some reason there seems to be no "just existing doing my thing" with other people.

I don't mind crowds, but it depends on the crowd. Throngs of people going to work? I don't feel lonely, I feel isolated. I can feel myself as a dot travelling through a sea of dots.

Maybe it depends on the city. Where I am, crowds of people inevitably afford opportunity for heartfelt anonymous interaction. You can say something very personal to a stranger and they will respond in kind. And then you never see them again.

I'm sure some of them remember me.

I feel loneliest in a crowd. I have my wife and kids. And I talk to a couple of multi-year friends a couple of times a month. I have little opportunity to have chance encounters with the same people to begin forming friendships - I practically don't go anywhere due to family obligations and work. Best option would be church but I feel like a charlatan there as I'm not a religious believer.

Is it a recent feeling you're having? Or something old? Anyway, by the way you phrase it it seems like something you don't enjoy. I just want you to know that there are steps to get out of there. It takes some time ( Like, months for the first results and years for the really really good stuff) and big scary steps (yes, like working on yourself and adressing some situations that make you feel like shit) but it is really worth it.

If it's something old maybe you should start therapy and self-help book to reflect a bit about yourself, have a little pump and get the courage to get out there, do fun activities and proactively talk to people. If it is new you should consider recontacting old friends and maybe working a bit less. Also therapy and self-help's never bad. Well, good therapists and diversified self-help.

Good luck pal :) You'll see that even the smallest steps make you feel really better. Just do them often and you'll go far

As a father/husband: having a community (like a church) and a group friends who are in similar life stages as you helps a lot. There were several moments where I felt lonely and they all tied to major life changes (getting married, having a kid, etc.) Once my friend group shifted a bit, we essentially started to do life "together". We now have a dinner with at least one of our friends every couple of weeks and see each other at least once a week through church or some event.

As a founder: I felt most lonely when things were falling apart and the writing was on the wall that we needed to shut down. It results simply because of comparisons to others. When your YC buddies all appear to be successful and your startup dies, it's important to take time to process death properly. It's like a bad scar that only time will heal.

I wouldn’t say HN mitigates my loneliness.

However, it does keep me from feeling alone…what I mean is HN is where I am not the only person with interests in the things I geek out on.

I don’t work a tech job. I don’t work in academia or a library. In my meat space, a friend recently said “what’s a pdf?”

So HN is a place where I can say things about regex’s and Borges and black holes and the worst case is losing five karma points and the average case is just being ignored as line noise. Both being better outcomes than the worst or average in my meaty life.

I guess the thing about HN is that it doesn’t operate on exclusion. Sure it’s not for everyone, but it is for anyone.

YMMV and this is not an argument that your experience is like mine or should be like mine. Or even that you should think I am right. It is just a draft of some thoughts I have on this particular Monday morning.

Good luck.

I've made a routine of visiting my favorite café for almost a year now. There have been a few days when I've felt a sense of loneliness, keeping to myself and observing the people around me. While I'm not actively seeking just any friend, as a straigth guy I do fantasize about finding a meaningful connection and overcoming the solitude that occasionally creeps in.

One particular day, a child mischievously spat on some desks and swiftly made a run for it. The following day, I noticed a software engineer who frequented the café almost daily, much like myself. Curiosity led me to strike up a conversation with him, inquiring if he had witnessed the child's prank. This led to discussions about our respective jobs, eventually blossoming into a friendship. Unfortunately, he later moved to another city, and was a good guy.

My advice is to keenly observe people around you, engage in conversations, but exercise caution in placing trust. For instance, there's a person who consistently greets me at the café but never purchases a drink to himself. On one occasion, he asked about my well-being, but I hesitated to delve into a deeper conversation, suspecting he may be taking advantage of free resources such as electricity and wifi. I believe this behavior is ethically questionable.

In conclusion, it's crucial to seek out genuine connections similar to oneself. While the transient nature of friendships can bring moments of loneliness, the pursuit of meaningful connections is a journey worth undertaking.

I'm an introvert, but my partner is an extrovert. I guess it gives me a good view of both extremes.

If you are feeling lonely, then perhaps you need to make changes in your life. Watch out where and when you feel lonely and try some changes. e.g. if you work from home, see if you can work from an office at least some of the time. If you live alone, try living in a share house. If you want to share with a partner, then get out and socialize, play a sport, take up some activity where you can be with like minded people.

If indeed the internet is going to be a longstanding place for avoiding loneliness... I wish it was less like Twitter, fb, reddit, or HN even, and more like my circa-2010 WoW guild. God was that nice while it lasted. But I don't want to play games all day anymore. I just want the guild vibe back.

Sorry you're feeling down. I've read/posted here for only a short while, but there were times in the past when interacting on some web board was the highlight of my day. In a way it's a shame HN doesn't allow PM's or have a free flow chat area, because otherwise there's really no way to get to know people personally.

I've been doing lots of contract work lately, and even between positions, seem to have a knack for staying busy (regular to-do list of 20 ? items), which tends to mask any sense of loneliness. But on the upside I recently got engaged, and that's helped my social life to no end.

I don't know your exact situation, but a few ideas... 1) Speak up. I had a 100% remote job during the pandemic with an out-of-state employer. Zero chance of any personal interactions. I still managed to make friends with one of the sysadmin guys who was also a contractor. He kept taking my tickets, and over time we got to know each other over email and chat. It made the days go a bit easier. 2) If somebody does reach out their hand, don't immediately swat it away. On another job I was working with a recent graduate whose home was a couple hours away and whose weekends consisted mostly of online game tournaments. I tried a couple times to get him to do something social, but he wasn't having it. Perhaps it was because I was nearly twice his age? I might have done the same thing back then, but have come to realize that people don't change that much if you can just get over the notion that someone's "older". 3) Combining the above, if there's a group that you know does something social outside of work, I don't think there's any harm in asking if they have room for one more. 4) Beyond that...clubs or volunteer work? I've been involved with a couple political campaigns, which was at least a way of getting out of the house and interacting. I think there's also still a Linux users group that meets monthly, not too far from here. What are your interests aside of tech? Depending on where you live, there could be a local car club, biking club, horror movie club, etc.

Hope that helps a little bit.

I would suggest doing activities outside the computer as the only real way of fighting lone-less- I have recently changed cities and went to the facebook group of the city.

There I used the search function to find groups of people playing Tennis and Soccer. I then showed up and started making friends/plans/hikings/coffees.

I also found out how I could mentor people in tech and grabbed a coffee with a few people who were late in their careers and trying to change jobs [it isn't a tech city, so people work more like "IT work"].

Also simply going for walks and coffees on the same places ensures you see familiar faces and start conversations!

Making contact with real people is the way - staying in online forums like this and Reddit is the opposite of what you want

I couldn't really place it, even with therapy, until I came across a quote by Carl Gustav Jung:

"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible."

This instantly rang very true for me. Whenever I feel lonely now, I think about what is important to me, and then identify or find "the right people" to talk to about it. Over the past few months, it really helped me more than anything else.

No, I'm doing this as well. Most of the time is my answer to your second question.

Having niche interests and having a (vanishingly) small social circle does not help.

Yeah I even feel lonely back home with wife and kid.

It's mostly about people don't have same set of values and I'm fine with that.

I don’t know if I have ever felt lonely. I love being alone, but rarely get the opportunity. I crave it like oxygen.

This is a bit out-there, and might come off as server recruitment... but if anyone is lonely and wants to talk about weird bass music, dubstep, DnB, Garage, etc. - here's a Discord server I run and spend all day in. discord.gg/cbw7gej

I am another one, and I feel like so all the time. Strangely, I don't feel bad about it at all.

After what is going on in Gaza, I am more grateful for the life I have.

Don't let shyness or fear stop you.