Ask HN: Trauma has broken me. Nothing has worked. Alternatives to suicide?

If you’re at any real risk of acting on that thought, call professional help, or immediately commit yourself to professional care.

Resistant to that idea? Then you’re not seriously considering suicide, that’s just your traumatized self calling out for attention; you don’t want to die, that’s a lie, the truth is you want the pain to stop, which is a VERY different truth, but trauma doesn’t let you FEEL that subtle difference.

Well, here’s the hard part… what you feel is a lie. Whatever you feel… that’s what trauma does, it reveals that your feelings are untrustworthy, amplifying everything and forcing you into a cycle of trying to numb the feelings and then trying to have them again, leading to more and more over correction.

Stop repeating the lies trauma tells you about how you feel. You don’t actually know how you feel… that’s what trauma took away from you, you don’t get to access your feelings without a black box fucking with them and lying to you. Giving voice to those distortions, without self critique, just keeps you circling without rising.

CBT works, given time and effort. EMDR maybe works, I can’t say it’s helped for sure in any permanent way, but it’s helped bring some emotional dampening from certain triggers. Meditation helps, so does exercise and time in nature… medication might, or it might not, it definitely didn’t help me. Dogs help… they can listen without talking back… most things can’t.

Trauma sucks. I’ve been where you are now hundreds of times. I’ll be there again. Such is life… but each time I’m there for less time, and each time I’ve got more tools for getting back up off the ground and taking control of my selves again. Each time we fall, we rise again.

This too shall pass is a very helpful phrase… repeat it until it does.

An internet forum of random strangers is not the best place for such a help. We might be well-meaning at the best of times, but qualified we are not.

If you are looking for some ideas, break out from your current life. Identify the sources of your stress and get as far as possible from them. Take an year or two to recuperate. Don't try to hold on to stuff, people, ideas out of habit or sense of obligation. If you can't fight it, flee it.

This is not a qualified advice, just a random internet idea.

I don't really know the origin of your trauma, but I was the victim of domestic violence. It caused a lot of anger in me, and that anger would just swell at essentially random moments if my mind drifted. When I'd get angry, I'd dwell on it and that would make me even more angry. this became a horrible positive feedback loop. I then started to try and consciously break that loop by preforming a ritual if I noticed my anger. I would rubbing my thumb and index finger together and pray the Hail Mary ten times. If I was still angry, I'd continue. Rubbing my fingers together gave me a sense of tactical focus where I'd feel the ridges of my fingerprint, praying the Hail Mary gave my mind focus, and through that I would let the anger fall away. I understand not everyone is religious, but the act of praying the Hail Mary is one that requires a small amount of focus, but not overly burdensome in the moment (think a small poem). I found this technique to be instrumental in breaking those mental loops of anger by allowing my mind to calm and re-adjust. By breaking those mental loops, I was able to let go of my anger episodes within 6-9 months. I'm still upset by what happened, but I don't let my anger and emotions rule me. I think you could try this if you feel yourself being overrun by these negative emotions.

https://988lifeline.org/

Get help from people who know how to

The tricky part about depression and anxiety is that everyone is coming from someplace different. It’s like asking for directions on how to get to New York City… but not being sure if you’re starting from Tokyo, London, or someplace else entirely. The people that want to help you usually can only tell you how they overcame depression from where they started. Which, understandably, may or may not be right for you.

—

That having been said, I have some food sensitivities that were driving significant amounts of anxiety and depression. Cleaning up my diet has been life changing. Especially the “fasting mimicking diet (FMD)” as explained in the book The Longevity Diet by Valter Longo. The book is pretty dry, so I’d recommend the audio book version. Try a round of FMD (5 days) followed by a month of no sugar added. Sugar withdrawal was hell for me, but there was significant improvement on the other side.

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I know you said meditation hasn’t worked for you, but you don’t mention which kinds of meditation you’ve tried. I’ve had luck with metta meditation. Or the meditation of loving kindness. And specifically bringing that philosophy of kindness with me off the mat into my daily life.

Resources for my own particular take on Buddhist philosophy that worked for me include:

  - This lecture series on bringing loving kindness to a meditation practice [1]

  - and the book: Unwinding Anxiety by Dr. Judson Brewer. 

  - and basically everything Pema Chodron has ever written.  But possibly staring with: When Things Fall Apart. 

Even if what worked for me doesn’t work for you. I believe in you and I think you can find your own path to being at peace with your inner emotional landscape.

[1]: https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPxfnU-O-Zydjfcneck9XIy...

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering. I have struggled with many of the things you mentioned. This will be an unpopular response on this board, but I want to share it anyway, because it's the only thing that has helped heal me and helped me find relief.

I began attending an Orthodox Christian church about four years ago. I was a staunch atheist for many years before that, but my life was falling apart and I felt I had nothing else to lose. It was strange and I had no idea what was going on, but I also felt more peaceful and couldn't wait to go back.

It hasn't been easy by any stretch of the imagination, but my whole life has been transformed in ways I never would have expected.

Again, I am sorry to hear you are suffering so deeply. I will pray for you and I hope you find peace soon. Please don't give up.

See if you can find MDMA-assisted therapy:

https://psychedelic.support/resources/when-can-i-get-mdma-th...

I don't think there's anything nearly as powerful as MDMA for seeing through the fog of suffering and restoring hope that there's a solution.

I have to stress that it should be conjunction with a therapist though, because it's only a short-term solution. Antidepressants take weeks to kick in, and MDMA has been used during those few weeks for people who have suicidal ideation like you describe because it's an instant, short-term cure, but not a long-term option.

Everything is a better alternative to suicide, even if your mind can’t see it at this moment.

There will be someone who you know deep down that will listen when you need to talk.

In the last month a close friend of mine lost her partner to suicide and she’s having difficulty with the grieving process. She knows she can call me any time of day and I’ll pick up, no matter what I’m doing. Only yesterday I was in an important meeting (part of the team presenting) and I received a message saying “I can’t cope any more, I just want to die.”.

Within seconds I excused myself, stepped out of the room and called her.

That 5min phone call was more important than any meeting.

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I have felt similar pain. I’m so sorry. No one should have to suffer the way you are right now.

I’m doing much better now. Somatic therapy + touch work is the thing that helped me the most. It changed my life. You need a skilled and caring therapist who you connect with and who makes you feel safe. Easier said than done, I know. I had tried several talk therapists before that - they didn’t really help.

It takes time but it is possible to heal. I’m doing it.

Like you, I did therapeutic ketamine for a while… it helped but I was still struggling a lot. Then, I found my therapist and that was a very pivotal moment in my healing journey.

If there is anything else in your life that can you change to make things easier for you and give you space for healing, then try to do that.

I needed to quit my job where I was burnt out and move from my studio apartment where I was living alone into a house with some cool guys. I also started exercising again, which doesn’t cure anything but it is essential for maintaining a good baseline. Our bodies weren’t meant to be stationary. When I go for a hard run, any anxiety melts away, as my brain is too busy managing homeostasis :) It may come back later, but it is easier deal with.

I could go on and on about the journey I’ve been on. It’s a lot, but you can do a little at a time, and it builds and builds into something new and beautiful. There was I time where I didn’t think it was possible to feel good the way I do most days now.

Sending love your way… good luck friend. You deserve another chance :)

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with so much pain and difficulty. It sounds like you're carrying a heavy burden, and it's understandable that you feel overwhelmed and hopeless.

It's important to remember that suicide is not the only option, and there is hope for a better future. You don't have to face these challenges alone. Have you spoken to a mental health professional about your struggles? If not, I would encourage you to seek out a therapist or counselor who can offer you support and guidance.

It's also important to take care of your physical and emotional health. While losing weight, improving sleep, and sharpening cognitive abilities can be challenging, it's important to take small steps and celebrate progress, rather than focusing on the ultimate goal. It may be helpful to seek out a support group or find an accountability partner to help you stay motivated and on track.

Lastly, please know that there are people who care about you and want to help. You are not alone in this struggle, and there is always hope for a better tomorrow. If you ever feel like you're in crisis, please reach out to a crisis hotline or emergency services for immediate support.

From my experiences with anxiety and depression, what I've found that works somewhat well is deconstruct the feeling while talking to yourself out loud (that way you can pivot to something else if needed), essentially if you can dig into the why's, how's it can help you break up the huge boulders into stones.

But I think the bigger point is that you need to find something that allows you to be in control of your emotions (as you can remain calm and still engage in your past) something akin to what I do, I think dealing with depression and anxiety is less about a silver bullet and more a personal cure program even if others see it as a weird quirk.

Do you have friends who you can talk to about your trauma or other places? I've noticed that why therapy or talking to a psychologist might not work beyond not "Vibing" is that the interaction you get from professionals is not the same as friends and family, it's not meant to be, it's more tailored towards a more analytical and sterile a empathetic.

Also please do try and have professional contact with one specialized in trauma (have you done a ptsd assessment?), as a safety net.

> I just want to die.

Good news! You definitely will - it happens to all of us. I'm sorry if this comes across as glib or dismissive, but during the times when I was considering an early exit, it really helped me to consider that nobody gets out alive.

Whatever peace or oblivion you hope to find will be yours someday. Does it really have to be today? Is there nothing left in the world that you would like to experience first? Nothing you'd like to contribute or build?

You speak a lot of failure, but the unspoken corollary is that you've been _trying_. That's worth something. Quite a lot actually. Given that you are fighting against despair, one of the most powerful and insidious enemies of life, you can rightly claim every day as a victory.

If one day, you are too tired and hurt to continue, there is no shame in that. But I would encourage you to take pride in the victories you've accrued so far, and not to dismiss them simply because you haven't expelled the specter of despair entirely. It's a hard fight, but you're less alone than you think, and there are joys and surprises awaiting you that you cannot predict.

It's difficult to say what to do. You should do everything you can to get professional help and if that help isn't working then find another professional and another... Until something works.

Asking here is really just asking for anecdotal information that maybe could apply to you but should still be filtered through a professional. So as far as anecdotal information I can offer only my own personal experiences. You don't say if you are a man or woman and not a lot of detail about your life but for many years I was in a very depressive state. During my younger years I was forced to develop a fairly strong mental fortitude that would allow me to mask the depression and anxiety and other things but they were always there but as I got older it became more and more difficult. I was probably the weeks or months from ending my life and something triggered me to go into one of those male clinics that you hear advertised all the time on the radio. Maybe it was the idea of there's no downside of just going there but my testosterone was very low and within 3 months of getting testosterone therapy and having that be the only single change in my life everything got better. The biggest thing is the day-to-day depression went away completely even though all of the things that I would sit and ruminate on that were horrible about my life we're still there and none of that changed and none of that is really changed even to this day but my mental attitude is I don't care and they don't bother me and it doesn't make me sad. And then all of the other side effects from having an increased or normal level of testosterone or just plus benefits the increased energy the ability to focus better the lack of anxiety and fear just kind of melted away. So that's really my personal experience without doing that I would probably have taken the choice that you're asking for alternatives to.

Now it looks like it’s never going to get better but it will. Just in your current state you can’t see it. I really hope you get the strength and resources to overcome your depression.

I think a psychiatrist/psychologist or other expert has the knowledge and tools to help you but you mentioned several times it doesn’t work. I hope you can find a better one that can really help you.

Your friends and family are the ones that are going to suffer the most about losing you, so go and talk with them about this situation. I really hope you can help each other.

Finally, I read people changing their environment can help. If you can afford it going for a vacation for a week and see if you feel better? The farther the better (i.e. if you’re in US go to Spain).

There are no simple, magical solutions but at least try something small(i.e. taking vacations, or some days off), gain confidence, and go step by step. No matter where you are, we all start somewhere. Your life is precious.

I really wish you find all the patience, love, and solutions/changes to your problems.

If you want to get in touch check my profile.

Anxiety is normal. Any animal on this planet has it. Get yourself in "percieved" danger (climbing) and survive, to recalibrate that sense of anxiety, which is constant firing due to the society surrounding us being actively hostile to its inhabitants.

For medication resistant depression may i suggest: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electroconvulsive_therapy

Notice also, that just because you are out of ideas and the situation is theraphy resistant, you do not have to end it "traditionally" and may instead try to go for "statistical" suicide by turning your life into a dangerous endavour.

Travel to dangerous places, jump out of working airplanes with parachutes, try to percieve the fact that you are as free as a creature under the sun can be.

Also the obligatory legally demanded worthless advice of thoughts, prayers and theraphy, ritually mumbled usually by those who actively participated in creating todays society.

Check out Dr. Gabor Mate on YouTube. He is a trauma specialist who has recently become quite mainstream popular but one of those “40 years in the making” overnight successes. There is a recent documentary on him as well - The Wisdom of Trauma.

Check out as well “The Body Keeps Score” about the physical somatic approach to trauma relief by another well known researcher. This one changed my life.

Some immediately practical advice: Exercise, every day. Even if just walking. More is better (aim for 60 min). Volunteer (not just for the feel good consequences of being part of something, but also for the interaction). Better yet, volunteer outside if you can (being in nature helps and sunlight helps with vitamin D). While you’re at it, make sure you have enough vitamin d (I can always tell when my levels are low and add some supplements and within a day feel better). Stop with drugs & alcohol & social media & video games.

You are not the first to face such challenges and to consider suicide.

R. Buckminster Fuller, one of the most influential writers of the 20th Century and a favorite of the hippie/Whole Earth Catalog movement, faced such a moment on the banks of Lake Michigan when he considered drowning himself. This was when he was young and before he reached international fame for his ideas in architecture and philosophy.

I recommend reading Chapter 8, “Dialectic by Lake Michigan”, from the book *Buckminster Fuller: At Home in the Universe* to understand the reasoning he himself developed that night that led him to choose life and thus become the global celebrity the world knows him as.

Because of the good fight the Internet Archive is winning to make back-catalog in-print books available for digital checkout, you can visit archive.org right now, register, and read the chapter for yourself.

Hey,

I'm sorry, this sounds really tough and those words probably don't do it justice.

Prayer, which is distinctly different from meditation has been helpful to me. I'm not an expert on any matters pertinent to mental health or spirituality for that matter--but if you just want to talk, DM me here: @awicz

I've been suicidal. Some things that helped me:

1. Reading ancient philosophers. I like Alain de Botton's book The Consolations of Philosophy as a start. He covers different types of philosophers throughout history and then you can pick the type that resonates and follow that rabbit hole.

2. Understanding/confronting childhood trauma.

3. Figuring out what I wanted to do, i.e. long-term meaning/purpose, and creating an action plan. The plan didn't even end up working out, but simply working on it somehow scratched some deep itches.

4. Trying out a different diet. Maybe environmental toxins, too. I know those sound trivial but... Garbage In Garbage Out.

You need to know that you are a child of a loving (just and merciful) God, a Heavenly Father who has a plan, that there is a reason we live in a world where things can be very hard, that this life is not the end, and that eventually, it will indeed all be sorted out. Be patient (easy to say, I know, but I have some experience to back it up). Avoid things that deny you of opportunities, and which you alone cannot un-do. It can be OK, really.

(More, if desired, at simple site in my profile; nothing for sale.)

Tell us more.

What hurts the most?

From your post, I'm hearing that you have a lot on your plate -- I'm seeing some disgust with your body, some frustration with your creativity and mental abilities, some fear about making a relationship work. That's a lot for anybody, and I'm sorry you're having to go through all that.

Where in your body does it hurt? Is there a specific feeling associated with some of this pain behind the numbness? A soreness in the eyes, a drop in the stomach, an ache in the foot...?

> managing a marriage within the context of my emotional instability

Is it possible your marriage is contributing to your emotional instability? It may not be. Maybe they help you and are grounding you and improving your life. But maybe you are in a bad place partially because of them. Separating yourself from someone you love can be a bad idea if you are emotionally unstable but if you aren't getting the love you need from them, it could be exacerbating your condition.

It sounds like you have PTSD. 20+ years ptsd sufferer here and none of the traditional medications made a dent. But psychedelic therapy did and it worked like a charm for me.

Psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy has shown great promise, give it a shot.

- Look into Ketamine which is already FDA approved.

- Psilocybin, MDMA are all due for FDA approval. The clinical trials have shown high efficacy

and they are the best thing to happen for a very long time. Trust me, I have never felt better and it can get better.

dm me if you want to talk.

Consider this: what guarantee do you have that it does get better after death?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but you don’t want to die per se, you just want for the pain to go away. But we know nothing about what happens after death. It’s a risky move.

Lots of other great advice in here, but this thought hopefully makes you reconsider doing something irreversible that may actually turn out not to help you at all.

1. Call a hotline

Crisis Text Line Text HOME to 741741

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

Trans Lifeline 1-877-565-8860 (for the transgender community)

TrevorLifeline 1-866-488-7386 (for LGBTQ youth)

Veterans Crisis Line 1-800-273-8255, Press 1

2. Foster a service dog (puppy).

3. Life is very short. CBT or medication, whatever it takes to get back to a better place. Maybe need an alone vacation too.

Find an activity which puts you in contact with good people and during which you don't think about other things. I recommend something like judo, as many times a week as you can. During the class you won't be able to think about other stuff and afterwards you'll feel better.

I think suicide is an extremely personal decision. We can all tell you it will get better tomorrow, urge you to get help, that life does get better, but ultimately it's your choice.

Have you tried Ketamine therapy? It's covered by insurance now.

Make a list of everything you want to improve in life and decompose it into atomic facts. Order them by easiest to fix to hardest, then plan and execute actionable steps to rectify one thing at a time. Put everything else on hold and accept that the other things might stay bad or even get worse in the meantime. If one of those things isn't working out after a couple weeks, put it at the end of the queue and keep going. Start racking up a few wins, and before you know it life will look different and your problems will seem less intractable.

For example: Instead of "losing weight", add items to your to-do list like "quit snacking", "stop drinking soda", and "eat one fruit/veggie with every meal". The point is to reduce those big problems into small ones that anyone can fix then start churning through them.

OMG, so much bad advice in this thread.

The best advice here is the comment telling you not to listen to us. You're not going to get good advice from strangers that know nothing about you.

You sound stuck in the past (read trauma). Confront your issue and look for a new enjoyable hobby to substitute the time you have for these thoughts.

Life is unrepeatable. You need to find a thing that drives you to do more of it everyday. Do you like IT? Programming maybe?

Since it's not in your post, can I ask what you think is causing your fear and anxiety, and what it feels like?

journaling, meditation, more specifically lying in the corpse pose for about an hour a day, diet (I currently follow a paleolithic ketogenic diet with no salt, although find what works for you via keeping a food journal), exercise and good social connection have been what has worked best for me.

Good luck ^_^

People can provide much better advice if they know the specifics. So far you have been very vague.

Simple 3 step process:

1) Turn off your electronics

2) Walk out the door and down the street

3) Start your new life!!

Why is my post flagged?

Logotherapy. See Victor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

Go full freedom sicko mode and maximize risk everywhere

Get to a Church and attend every program they have.

Go rock climbing/slacklining/archery.

What do you have to lose by texting 988?

Find someone to help and help them.

If you haven't tried going to a naturopathic/holistic doctor, that might help. If you've already been to that sort of physician, you might want to get a second opinion. It sounds like you've already covered the basics like getting your vitamin D levels and vitamin B levels checked. You might be one doctor visit away from a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When I found my current physician, I learned how mediocre my previous doctors were. It wasn't that hard for me to find a quality physician. The problem was that, not being a medical expert myself, I simply had no idea that my previous doctors were so deficient.