Ask HN: How do you build a social circle as a remote worker/nomad in a new city?
I've always struggled to make friends, in college I've managed to befriend a few like-minded weirdos after a year or two of loneliness, but all of that fell apart after the first covid lockdowns, we all split all over the country or just lost contact.
The only people I could consider friends are living in places that I do not wish to ever get back to.
And I actually plan on moving again, because my current city is getting on my nerves.
My only social interactions for the last 2 or 3 years, were hookups/short flings, but no friendship or parties of any kind.
How do you manage to build a new social circle every time? To start, don't think in terms of "building a social circle," that sounds like a chore or an experiment. You want to meet more people so you can make friends. You do that organically, by putting yourself in situations where you might meet someone you like. Those situations depend on your age, interests, and the place you live. If you have trouble meeting people or maintaining a friendship you might want to get therapy. Or try joining Toastmasters to get over shyness. Don't worry about meeting people just like you, with the same interests ("like-minded weirdos"). You get over shyness by imagining a not-shy version of yourself and acting that out. After a while that becomes second nature. Act like a good friend, show concern for your friends, make time for them. Don't do everything over social media. Use your phone to call people to maintain connections. Try hobbies and activities that will put you in group situations. Laugh and have fun, try new things. >If you have trouble meeting people or maintaining a friendship you might want to get therapy. I actually disagree, I worry that we don't do a good job of getting folks OUT of therapy -- then they're forever stuck in this coercive loop where someone is baswically paid to be the person they call when they have a dispute with the police or whatever. (Unless you want to take an extremely liberal view of therapy and argue whoever is selling you the weed and not calling it in between pickups is your "therapist", but that's a bit much imho) Pretty much every mental health issue I've had stems from folks who tend to move from city to city interacting with me differently than they would someone who was... "from here" when I was debating career paths and floundering in undergrad after a transfer. The current trend seems to be CBT -- set some goals, and go in each week to talk about them. I don't know what to do when my "goals" are things like "reoccuring income, and vendors who don't go out of business because they couldn't handle treating someone like a peer" and "a weed card, or take it recreational, it helps a lot". (I've had a string of folks treat getting one like... a reward or something... to almost a bdsm-like degree -- when I've had a diagnosis of Asperger's or autistic spectrum disorder since the late 90s? I'm not even sure if I'll renew the card, I might travel for a year or two like I wanted to in 2016 and let them riot some more) For context, just before COVID, I got out of a domestic violence sitution in the suburbs of my city, then got laid off. The city I'm in had a riot outside the mayor's house, then got a new one, and apparently is currently staffing something called a "citizen's police review board"? I was at a bus stop yesterday trying to call my city councilor but there's no one currently in that office apparently? Same day, for the first time in ages, that bus (which comes only every 30 to 60) just blows on by me and the other person waiting for it. Anyways sorry to ramble -- I'm unemployed, and it's Saturday, so I'm in a... creative spirit. To put it short: I'd focus on getting exercise everyday OP -- then just... treat people like you'd want to be treated, and be mindful sometimes folks with have a "OK, I sold you your espresso or notebook or whatever, now go away so I can go on the internet to". Pick an errand. Go get a coffee or something. (And to do that you'll need to... take a shower, and put on clothes etc). And then just don't rush it. Trust is earned and that takes time, rushing that or being algorithmic will weird people out. (And be mindful people usually have a small number of actual friends -- those are CONNECTIONS on social media.) Well, thanks for sharing. For someone inhibited by shyness, social anxiety, fear of rejection, or poor conversational skills a few sessions with a therapist, coach, or even Toastmasters can help. I didn't mean years of psychotherapy or medications. I went through CBT for about a year to learn to deal with obsessive-compulsive disorder. You don't necessarily "set some goals and go in each week to talk about them." You learn to recognize the triggers and maladaptive behaviors and then control your reactions. That can work for shyness and social anxiety as well as for OCD, phobias, and anger problems. Learning that you can control and change behaviors may seem obvious, but I think many people go through life calling themselves shy, introverted, unsocial without considering they can change those behaviors. Having been a remote worker for close to a decade, I've tried a lot of approaches. The best one I've found has been classes. Sign up for classes at a community college. Or language classes. Or sculpting classes. Anything that sounds interesting. The real goal is to make sure you get to talk to people multiple times. That's the way you build relationships. One off meetings rarely lead to anything. In my opinion the best way to make friends is be the person that "makes friends everywhere you go". There is huge benefit to learning more about peoples' lives, even if you never see that person again. Regardless of what some people may say, it's normal to strike up a conversation with a random person (in the US at least). Just do that with more people and you'll eventually find good friends. i feel like it isn’t a realistic expectation to expect somebody to come out of their comfort zone and be somebody they aren’t (“be the person that …”) I'm not that afraid to go out of my comfort zone but if I spontaneously talked to random people there is a good chance they'd see me as a dangerous lunatic given how weird I can be lol There's nothing wrong with a bit of eccentricity, but of course people have limits. The ability to have impromptu conversations with strangers is a life skill worth learning. Being a bit weird or silly is endearing. Having it as a handicap in social situations, however, is a weakness I try to be useful in my local community. I was living in a condo in Thailand and noticed there were many designers. I offered my help on the WhatsApp conversation to make a free workshop about AI generated images, because I thought many designers might not know about it but gain something valuable from it. After the workshop we just naturally went to grab some beers. I like to give free and fun programming courses for kids to get them interested in science. Of course these kids come with their parents, or siblings, etc. I don’t want to quote the Bible, but just try to be useful, entertaining, tell good stories, or just be easy to be around. If you work from home, do something unexpected once a week (it could literally be anything : I became friend with a prostitute in Phuket, because I was reading Don Quichotte earlier this year. I did not want to read from my place, so I just decided to head for the closest bar, order a cold beer or two and enjoy my classic. Few of them came to engage the conversation because the bar was almost empty because of Covid, I treated them as absolutely normal people, we just ended up shared life stories until late into the night, practicing English, talking about which part of the world we would like to visit) We are still regularly meeting to grab a coffee or do free diving. You can make friends with pretty much anyone (especially in big cities, you are not the only one feeling isolated) Volunteer. You can probably find a place that can use volunteer teachers or tutors for a few hours a week. Sports? I used to see a lot of 20-somethings in kickball league tee shirts. I mention kickball because it ought to be manageable at almost any level of conditioning and coordination. But if you find kickball too tame, there are teams for all sorts of team sports, and groups for things like running, hiking, and bicyling. Often had this problem as a nomad (sometimes you find people you click with, but sometimes it's really lonely) and as I couldn't find any good app that would allow me to easily find people I actually liked between locations and to keep in touch with them as I moved on, I co-founded Revity App which helps remote workers and nomads find others who share their hobbies, connect online and then meet offline! We need beta testers (I am about to make a post about this on here) so would be awesome to have you there for free: https://community.revityapp.com/plans/245832?bundle_token=83... We're focused on people who like the outdoors, because 1. that's what we both love, 2. there's something about people who like outdoor sports and adventure activities that makes us get along with each other, across cultures and age. I have a church and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, which both provide me with meaningful relationships. I prefer this to a social circle driven by work. Get a hobby outside of work. Mine is English standup comedy (I live in Taiwan). There’s only 10-15 people really doing it here but its easy to make friends naturally by showing up consistently every week. This goes for any hobby too. Performing arts are my favorite because building comradery when you’re all on stage together happens naturally. The best friends you will make are through shared pain and adversity. This is generally why lifelong friendships develop in college, the military, and startups. Seek something to endure and you'll have friends that you'll invite to your kid's wedding 25 years later. Many opportunities! Prison, the Peace Corps, I've read on HN about tech CEOs working at Amazon warehouses to reconnect with their social side... You could go be a part of the technical or scientific staff at a polar research station, or work on an Alaskan fishing boat. There are so many exciting ways to make lifelong friendships! I read that more than once before. And while I agree(even though a lot of the people I've suffered with didn't stay my friends), it seems "slightly" unhealthy to look for a situation where I could suffer just to form a bond through shared trauma with people Burning Man works this way for many people. For us it's always been dogs. We have dogs, and therefore are out in our city all the time, at dog parks, on trails, at outdoor events. Dogs are the ultimate companion and also really help to meet others with similar likea and values. The iron law of friendship: Friendship = proximity * time The equation is incredibly simple, but not very easy. Most people will recommend clubs or activities to get proximity. As a nomad, community living, such as hostels, can be invaluable. Most people will be ephemeral, but some will not. Time is exactly that. You must be around the same people for extended periods of time. That often means facing rejection by inviting people to spend time with you. So go be somewhere that is not your home where social interaction wouldn't be frowned upon for at least a few hours a week. For me, that’s always either been bars I drank in (years back now) or more recently, coffee shops and restaurants I eat in, friendly staff and chit chat with fellow customers has lead to good friends. Also - neighbours - but that can be a limited number!
Oh yes, an old colleague made many good friends at various online arranged meet-ups - namely a whisky appreciation group - he found himself a large social circle beyond his professional circle that was most stimulating- so explore your interests, maybe chess club or gaming groups - something with social potential Mostly by joining groups of people in social activities. E.g. Going to the gym, doing some sports, attending meetups & conferences You could also just go to a bar, it would work too but it'd be more difficult generally. Shyness also doesn't make it happen in a bar. Some important factors to form friendships are: spending often time together, overcoming challenges together and having common interests. So look for activities that involve these factors. As you can now see, sports are good at this. > You could also just go to a bar, it would work too but it'd be more difficult generally. Shyness also doesn't make it happen in a bar. A word of caution though, if you make friends at a bar, all your friends will be people who hang out at bars. May make your life a bit more Norm Peterson than planned. Haha yeah but you could also meet occasional bar-goers if you only visit the bar in weekends. I've met very different kinds of people in bars. Well, statistically, the people you are most likely to meet in a bar are the people that are most likely to be in a bar. Statistically, if you meet ten people in a bar, how many of them are from the group that is "most likely to be in a bar?" I met my best friend through Bumble's "friend mode". You do have to deal with many men on there to find hookups ala Grindr, but real friends are out there. I don't have a clue, tell me if you find out. I suspect that others who say "just put yourself out there" or whatever either don't know how hard it is, or they live in some kind of artist colony metropolis where everyone is on the same wavelength. I personally do a lot of things in public (gym, cafes, outdoors, shows), and I have spontaneous conversations with strangers once a month at best. Me too. I did a bit of solo travel and it drove me nuts. Even though I did get some social interaction. Nomadding may not be for everyone I guess. If it were me I would do a side project startup with someone else, a common goal is always a good thing where you might get close to someone. You're not supposed to. Being a remote worker is supposed to cut you off from social interaction and blur the separation between work and private. Meet your neighbors and find local hobbies.