julia fox is literally mother @sophiepenrose
(about to invent gargoyles) babe the cathedral looks great. how can we get a little fucking freak on the roof.
hysterical
Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood
I will fuck chewbacca and I will die that way
weird
Heroic Girls @SDCC 2023 - #MoreThanCute @HeroicGirls
Seeing Zooey Deschanel without bangs or glasses made me accept that maybe people couldn't figure out that Clark Kent was Superman.
hysterical
Archaeologists working at the ancient Roman city of Pompeii, Italy, uncovered the remains of a 30-year-old man who appears to have survived the initial eruption of Vesuvius in 79 A.D., only to be killed when he was struck by a large slab of stone cnn.it/2GZKWvX
famous
People of all races, religions and nationalities work at Sanofi every day to improve the lives of people around the world. While all pharmaceutical treatments have side effects, racism is not a known side effect of any Sanofi medication.
bad
gary from teen mom @garyfromteenmom
when ur boss makes a normie joke but u want that promotion
hysterical
Grace Parra Janney @GraceParra360
Aged like fine wine
hysterical
you, foolish: I'm feeling optimistic and hopeful for the future
me, wise:
hysterical
A horse named "Bofa Deez Nuts" wins at Oklahoma City Race Park, impossibly professional announcer is NOT fazed and executes it completely deadpan.
hysterical
Cause i be watching ASMR and porn all day ♀️
@fenty_bardi fan account
•
Why is Cardi’s phone battery always under 20%?! @iamcardib
famous
Airports are cool bc you can have like a mental breakdown while drinking a Bloody Mary at 7am then go sleep on the floor like a hobo and no one says anything
weird
mr. gorbachev, tear up this ass
weird
GOD: 8
ANGEL: 9!
GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk
ANGEL: 10 lol
GOD: 15!!
ANGEL *mouthful of pizza* 25
GOD: 30!!
CENTIPEDE: *tearing up* stop giving me legs, I look stupid
GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL
ANGEL: LMAO
hysterical
caitie delaney @caitiedelaney
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
hysterical
Wesley Snipes @wesleysnipes
For everyone that sends me this photo 300 times a day ... I SEENT IT!!! I SEENT IT! I SEENT IT!
famous
Paragraph 1: ok
Paragraph 2: ok
Paragraph 3: wait
Paragraph 4: OH
Paragraph 5: *airplane flies overhead with a banner reading WELCOME TO HELL MOM*
hysterical
chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool
i was shooting some b-ball outside of the school
when a couple of roads that were up to no good
started to diverge in a yellow wood
hysterical
dubstep4dads @dubstep4dads
if ur friend falls asleep a fun prank is to put his hand in a bucket of warm monster energy so he has dreams about riding dirtbikes and fighting his stepdad
hysterical
laanat del rey @badkuthi69
the arcade fire show is packed
hysterical
Murphy Green OBE @no1border
So grandad was at a sportsman’s dinner and bought a 10ft X 4ft picture of the forth rail bridge. Seemingly he forgot he could just open da blinds granny not happy with him ♂️
hysterical
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, "AGAIN??"
it's like, you know what, you're right, I'm cancelling my subscription.
hysterical
Pitbull insinuating he died of alcohol poisoning from his own vodka brand and came back as a beach dog is exactly what I needed to get through this day
@pitbull Pitbull
•
Reincarnated through @voli305vodka with my own vodka and my own beach. Que rico! Reincarnate yourself, Dale!
hysterical
i think im having a stroke
weird
so they just have a fuckload of spiders
hysterical
gendo pissed on the moon @evaposting
weird
Kim Kardashian @KimKardashian
I had a very good convo with @jack this weekend at Kanye’s bday and I think he really heard me out on the edit button.
famous
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well... well ... well ... if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
hysterical
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
weird
My therapist asked me to identify some habitual coping mechanisms I use during depressive episodes and I had to look this woman in the eye and tell her that when I get really sad my first instinct is to make fun of Elon Musk
hysterical
Joanna knew sumn… @garbii93
Jesus: h-
Pontius Pilate:
@yunghermoso Beau Degás
•
why would u come @ me crazy w 12 followers
weird
Depressed Cowboys Fan @ChickenColeman
this fine ass lady was standing behind me at the atm so i took out $400 instead of $20 so tomorrow i’m putting $380 back when my bank open. smh
hysterical
Jesse Hawken @jessehawken
2016: "Come on, you're talking like Trump's going to put people in concentration camps"
2018: "First of all, I think it's offensive that you refer to them as 'concentration camps'"
hysterical
Courtney Enlow @courtenlow
It's no longer "It's 5 o'clock somewhere" it's now "it's 2018 everywhere" start drinking whatever time you want.
hysterical
Aparna Nancherla @aparnapkin
The Statue of Liberty should replace her torch with a gaslight until further notice
weird
the wicked witch of the east bro @kpfeffss
I took an uber alone at 2am and when I got out my uber driver was like “have fun, get that dick!” and I said “hell yes thank you!!” because I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was being dropped at my moms house cause we have to wake up early to celebrate my dogs birthday
hysterical
Grant Brisbee @GrantBrisbee
ME, AGE 20: Ha ha, I like the riffs, but these Rage Against the Machine lyrics are kind of corny.
ME, AGE 40 (at a cocktail party): You know, some of those who work forces are actually, no joke, the same who burn crosses.
hysterical
dreamt I went on twitter and saw a random person post a picture of me with the caption “God just be making anybody ” and it had 200k likes
weird
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we're done here
weird
2009: "As Twitter grows, it will increasingly become a place where companies build brands, do research, send information to customers, conduct e-commerce and create communities for their users." - Time
2018:
hysterical
Karen Kilgariff @KarenKilgariff
once at a party I was stuck in a boring group conversation then I remembered I had a banana in my purse so I pulled it out answered it like a phone and said “Sorry guys I have to take this” and walked away we are the masters of our own fate
weird
lyft driver playing throat baby full volume @guaph
sadly it's not. they really do call the hospital for white people the mayo clinic
@PrisonPlanet Paul Joseph Watson
•
I really truly hope this is just a horrible joke. Sick sick stuff.
hysterical
Milena Sanchez @Milenasanchezx
I just took a picture of my 3 year old and she said
“Send it to me”
To Where?
hysterical
Her: Honey, do you think I’m a good cook?
Me: Is CHEP a Brambles company?
hysterical
Daniel José Older @djolder
Why do dogs feel the need to look you in the eye while they drop a deuce like what kinda serial killer shit is that
hysterical
Sophia Benoit @1followernodad
Sorry the guy you’re sleeping with won’t call himself your boyfriend but will call himself a content creator
hysterical
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it's perfect
weird
Wondered why the car blowers didn't seem very effective then realised half of them were set to 'email' instead of 'bacon'.
hysterical
Listen to how @stephenasmith pronounces the word “memes”
famous
i love having a body because it's like one of those play doh extruders where you put salad in and get free hair out
weird
Say this in bed if you really want to drive him WILD: "I listened to your podcast"
hysterical
Warren Ellis’ Desktop @modernxmike
I didn’t realize until today that “Weird” Al was a parody of normal (“Norm” Al). I’m 31 years old.
hysterical
Michael Shindler @MichaelShindler
You: *owns the libs*
Me, a MILLENNIAL: *rents the libs*
hysterical
Jenny Holzer just a feminist Dril there I said it
hysterical
My future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriend’s lame ass jokes rn. Be patient King, a true clown is on the way.
hysterical
FRIEND: my gf has got legs for days
ME: [astonished whisper] night mermaid
weird
Winderly Landchime Stan Account @RedDlicious
The dick vein on a Snickers really makes it
hysterical
Hardcore Gamers Only: ‘Overwatch’ Is Increasing Its Difficulty By Adding A Senior-Citizen Character That’s A Financial Drain And Emotional Burden On Their Whole Team clckhl.co/FO7Vuqs
hysterical
Piers Morgan @piersmorgan
FUCK.
famous
sloane (sîpihkopiyesîs) @cottoncandaddy
white ppl will feel unsafe walking by a black man on the sidewalk but will literally try to talk to the devil through a ouija board
hysterical
paul ryan @pissedsocialist
bad
gn
hysterical
Erica Henderson @EricaFails
WHO USED THE MONKEY PAW TO ASK FOR A PAIR OF WOMEN'S PANTS WITH POCKETS
@absrdst absrdst
•
They're here.. . suɐǝſ
hysterical
Great PawPaw Dee @_Monta_
If I shoot my shot and you tell me you have a man...Imma tell my homegirl to get in his inbox to see if he feels the same way
hysterical
Jules Suzdaltsev @jules_su
lmao I am absolutely dying over the fact that now that Sacha Baron Cohen can’t prank anyone with a normal brain who has watched TV in the last twenty years, he’s moved onto pranking famous Republicans, with incredible success
hysterical
Dungeons And Donalds @DungeonsDonald
#TrumpBabyBlimp #dnd
hysterical
The president wakes up every morning, gets dressed, looks in the mirror at his scrotum-level tie length and says, "Perfect!" That will never not bother me
famous
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
it is embarrassing as fuck that russia's disinformation campaign against america is bolstered by someone who uses the name "guccifer." as in a portmanteau of "gucci" and "lucifer." this is like if jfk was assassinated by someone named "xX_bong_jamez_bong_Xx"
hysterical
i was trying to remember what the site 'dropbox' was called this morning and all i could come up with for about 5 minutes was 'da share zone'
hysterical
|￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣|
RABBITS DONT HAVE
OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
I DONT CARE IF THIS
MEME IS CUTE, IT RESTS
ON AN INHERENTLY
FLAWED PREMISE.
|＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿|
(\__/) ||
(•ㅅ•) ||
/ づ
hysterical
is meatball an fruit
famous
Wanda Maximoff @scarletwitchwc1
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" & "It's Raining Men" are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
bad
you know what wo uld be fun, would be if twitter hq just dumped a truck full of wet turds on my front lawn every day "In case I missed it"
hysterical
jen merritt!!! @jennifermerr
boys that follow me on twitter and then hook up with me despite knowing damn well that I’m gonna tweet about them are easily braver than the troops
weird
*using Ouija board*
"hello, is there anyone there"
*Y*
*O*
*U*
*U*
*U*
*U*
"ah damnit this is a Soulja board*
hysterical
drewtoothpaste.bsky.social @drewtoothpaste
regular person: I need more damn money. This shit sucks
internet commenter: Be frugal. Cook a large pot of beans and eat that for an entire week.
rich person: I agree with the wise commenter. Also go to the doctor less please
hysterical
non aesthetic things @PicturesFoIder
weird
a great many cultural misreadings of Grimes appear to stem from the presumption that she is “goth.” wise old sages such as i can assure you that it all makes more sense when you grasp that she is INDUSTRIAL, which is totally different
hysterical
Kristen Arnett @Kristen_Arnett
*tips hat at duck* mallardy
hysterical
Stop getting rid of your pets because they aren’t what you expected Clifford was literally the smallest puppy and turned out to be a 30 FOOT RED DOG AND EMILY ELIZABETH STILL MADE IT WORK
hysterical
Soulja Boy (Draco) @souljaboy
Crank That Soulja Boy
@RudyGiuliani Rudy W. Giuliani
•
You
famous
Gretchen Felker-Martin @scumbelievable
my chupacabra don't
my chupacabra don't
my chupacabra don't want none unless you got goats, hon
hysterical
Crowsa Luxemburg @quendergeer
Will i understand the DSM-V if I haven't seen the first four
hysterical
Alyssa Limperis @alyssalimp
me making sure the barista sees me put money in the tip jar
hysterical
Sad to see the remaining members for daft punk hunted for sport
hysterical
@doraemoe@mastodon.tuidao.me くコ:彡 @iDoraemoe
hysterical
worms cited @christapeterso
A butthole dr my sister interned for thinks anal fissures are getting more common bc because people are texting and stuff on the toilet and so trying too hard is tearing their butts. If you are suffering from posters' butthole go to the doctor but also stop tweeting on the pot
hysterical
Queer Eye but it’s five Native elders trying to convince a New Age hippie spiritualist that their practice is entirely fake
hysterical
the two genders
hysterical
Aparna Nancherla @aparnapkin
I wonder if spiders stop halfway through a web like "ugh will i ever be inspired again i'm a hack"
hysterical
Dr. Ausma Zehanat Khan @ausmazehanat
Guys, this is my brother's barbecue pit.
hysterical
Dan Sheehan @ItsDanSheehan
Gen Xer: I miss Crystal Pepsi, the silly clear soda
Millennial: I miss Four Loko, the drink made of devil's blood that almost killed my friend Brad
hysterical
Cody · Mushroom.Haus @mushroomhaus
Can't drink the sarcophagus juice, can't eat the tomb cheese, what even is the point of archaeology
@abcnews ABC News
•
World's oldest cheese found in Egyptian tomb — but it may be filled with a deadly disease ab.co/2vRG3lH
weird
[Plato returns from the dead]
Plato: so who's that girl, are you together?
Me: nah, it's purely platonic.
Plato: ...what does platonic mean?
Me: it means we don't have sex.
Plato: what the fuck
hysterical
Ashley Feinberg (ashleyfeinberg.bsky.social) @ashleyfeinberg
CAN WE GET THE SPECIAL COUNSEL TO FIGURE OUT WHY LENA DUNHAM’S PETS KEEP DYING AND WHO KEEPS GIVING HER MORE PETS
weird
sister mary jo let me argue “i wish i was aborted so i could’ve gone straight to heaven” in a theology class debate without giving me a detention and shes had my undying respect since
@NBCSChicago NBC Sports Chicago
•
Loyola has Sister Jean, but the White Sox have Sister Mary Jo Sobieck of @Marian_Catholic! The Sox might have a little help from the man upstairs today!
weird
RT @ellle_em: when I find myself in times of trouble
brother Mario comes to me
speaking words of wisdom "it's a me"
weird
Wow. Scott Pruitt's outgoing calls are almost as expensive as Donald Trump's extramarital sex.
@drogon_dracarys Drogon
•
Former EPA administrator Scott Pruitt used the installed $43,000 phone booth for only one outgoing call to the WH that lasted 5 minutes. New docs do not show how many incoming calls Pruitt received in the booth.
hysterical
enough twitter, about to go get deadbeat dad wasted
weird
Blake Griffin @blakegriffin23
Accidentally hit a squirrel yesterday in my car. Feel so guilty I could barely sleep. Casey Anthony is a monster.
famous
Martyn Reding @martynreding
When the design team loses a debate with the legal team.
hysterical
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
hysterical
john is toast @johnistoasted
This truck just tried to sell me weed
hysterical
hysterical
update for yall who didnt think he believed me
hysterical
when you do your homework and nail the interview
hysterical
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
hysterical
Octopus/Caveman @OctopusCaveman
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
bad
"i will face god and walk backwards into hell" is a dril quote that people keep mistaking for serious literature but "that's how it is on this bitch of an earth" is a fucking beckett line that i consistently keep thinking is dril
weird
I have one minute of free time a day and this is how I choose to spend it
hysterical
today i asked my class to come up with a pair of terms that share a denotative meaning but whose connotative meanings differ and one student offered BUTT DIAL and BOOTY CALL anyway that student's the professor now
hysterical
shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird
[clumsily rollerblades in] alright this is a robbery
weird
LeNarskus Aldridge @AdamL1226
White people love saying “oh that was terrible” after throwing a frisbee
hysterical
For Sale Clown Shoes Never Worn @jerrykuch
Words fail.
bad
I fucking love toast, what absolute genius took a bite of bread and was like "cook it again", unreal
hysterical
yall ever think about how your fingers are slowly 3D printing your nails
hysterical
THIS SHIT MAKES ME LAUGH SO FUCKING MUCH
hysterical
Stephanie McNeal @stephemcneal
Today in mommy blogger instagram: Katie Bower says she didnt realize people were in the buildings and died until a year(!!!!!) after 9/11???
famous
I hope they cast a black Superman. It would nice for a brotha to finally be faster than a speeding bullet.
hysterical
So you tryna tell me Noah took too 2 bed bug, 2 mosquitos and 2 roaches and threw them in the Ark
hysterical
Me: what’s the wifi password
My mom:
@ladygaga Lady Gaga
•
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHRHRGRGRGRRRGURBHJB EORWPSOJWPJORGWOIRGWSGODEWPGOHEPW09GJEDPOKSD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!0924QU8T63095JRGHWPE09UJ0PWHRGW
hysterical
Sara Valentine @saramvalentine
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
hysterical
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
weird
remember when you would go to mcdonalds and fill your cup with every flavor and that shit used to bang... someone thousands of years ago did that with spices and made curry... ugh their fucking mind, i stan
weird
when the kool aid man says “oh yeah!”, why does the kool aid not spill out his mouth? does that mean the kool aid is not actually inside him, but contained exterior of his glass body? does that make his insides solid glass? does he hold kool aid bc he longs to drink but never can
hysterical
GlitterDemon ️ @anoticingsenpa1
I poured root beer into a square glass to make beer
hysterical
du bois @ DM limit @_lildubois
well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions
hysterical
[Dracula giving his son "the talk"]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula's son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
weird
DAVID LETTERMAN: /rapping stack of notecards on his desk The Curvy Wife Guy. Paul, you know about the Curvy Wife Guy?
PAUL SHAFFER: Ha ha ha
LETTERMAN: The Curvy Wife Guy
/Band plays four bars of Commodores' "Brick House"
weird
Claire Coleman ✍ @featuresjourno
And this, despite the trolls, is why I love Twitter
hysterical
my mom put turkey, chicken, and ham out to test my dog and see what he would eat. he ate everything but the ham. i’ve never been more proud.
earnest
RECALL ME BY YOUR NAME, guys, this is pathetically easy.
@IndieWire IndieWire
•
Luca Guadagnino wants Dakota Johnson to play Armie Hammer's wife in the #CallMeByYourName sequel, but he's struggling with a name: “The only problem is the title. It cannot be ‘Call Me by Your Name Two.’” bit.ly/2PjjJct
famous
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
hysterical
It's annoying that world is going to end RIGHT as I've become hot
hysterical
vampire workday @imbobswaget
it’s my house crest
hysterical
IF YOU DO ENOUGH UNPAID OVERTIME YOU GET A TOMBSTONE THAT SAYS GREAT TEAM MEMBER
hysterical
cells be like
o
fuck it
mitosis time
o
0
8
oo
weird
Ain’t nothing like taking a shower with that peppermint Dr. Bronners and laying on sheets fresh out of the dryer. I be feeling like a big ass mint out my granny purse
weird
Venmo timeline is only good when it shows you that your ex‘s new partner is cheap
hysterical
horse powder @JuliusIrvington
cigarettes have almost no calories and are low in sodium. no one is talking about this
weird
I wish Gritty wasn't to do with hockey, cities should just have monsters in them
hysterical
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
When referring to the USA, I will always capitalize the word Country!
famous
Kristen Arnett @Kristen_Arnett
ooooh baby do you know what that’s worth
on halloween we toast the antichrists birth
hysterical
The Texas Chain Saw Bransacre @bransonreese
I’ve to piss
weird
dustin Couch @Dustinkcouch
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted
weird
peach (crying): i don't need you to be Super Mario. i just need you to be there for me. i just need you to be you
mario: wahoo
weird
Canada shud be absorbed by the usa
Then we’d be bigger than Russia
famous
how did ONE hour make it go from dark at 9pm to dark at 6pm……somebody lying
weird
there’s so many blue check why aight people tweeting “remember politics don’t actually change your life. there’s still sunday football, potpourri, mild salsa, and your beautiful son & daughter breighaedyn & kaehayeighœtelinen” rn
hysterical
I’ve honestly read this 15 times
hysterical
cool that ariana grande forgives her exes. also cool that every day I relish in the memory of mine calling, furious, asking why i let him believe björk was pronounced “bork” for 2 years and that he just embarrassed himself at a party
hysterical
The saddest part of medieval times is the horses think it’s all real
hysterical
Hannah Solow @hamstertalk
Someone posted this to our neighborhood message board and I will never recover.
weird
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i "Dont know" what pringles are constitutes Heroism
weird
once a year i think about how in highschool a girl made her instagram caption the juicy j lyric: "she eat your heart out like jeffrey dahmer" and a girl commented: "my uncle was murdered by dahmer…please delete this."
hysterical
Bouncing Betty @ivyanthony95
Getting 4 hours of sleep vs. 8 hours
hysterical
traitor joe @phoebe_bridgers
welcome to the black parade is the bohemian rhapsody of my generation
hysterical
Daniel Pryor @DanielPryorr
OH MY GOD
hysterical
Everyone wished he'd mackle a little less, and he listened. That's crazy.
hysterical
Chris Scott @iamchrisscott
Tonight at the start of yoga a woman let the instructor know she was pregnant to which the instructor inexplicably replied “We’re all pregnant” and then another woman said “No we’re not” and then we began.
hysterical
donkey kong being a villain in industrial settings and a hero in jungle settings is a perfect illustration of what the unabomber was talking about
weird
hysterical
God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny.
Angel *writing*: ants... tiny... got it.
God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.
weird
gas lowkey be smellin good i wish i was honda crv
weird
im crying my ass off at this species of goat (gulabi) that is so beautiful and cute as a baby and then the adult is like
earnest
Regular back:
-will hurt eventually
-boring
-stupid bones
Backstreet's back:
-alright
weird
sarah kelly @thesarahkelly
Anything I do not want to do is emotional labor. Anything I do want to do is self care. I will not be expanding on this rn.
hysterical
whales don’t need no man
weird
One of my blinds broke in my bedroom so I just went to CVS
hysterical
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
hysterical
Why do bash “dead-beat” dads for not being there for their kids but we never question if the child has bad vibes? Or if they’re just unpleasant to be around?
hysterical
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez @AOC
I’m not sure, but maybe we can look into establishing GrinchCon - a tea + coffee crawl where people can spread peace and quiet everywhere they go
@liamstack Liam Stack
•
@Ocasio2018 can you pass a law stopping santacon?
famous
what
weird
Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But...why?
HER: I don't know if it's your terrible puns or the fact that you don't "believe" in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
hysterical
Mister Rogers Trolley Problem @woodmuffin
No Looney Tunes character stands the test of time better than Wile E. Coyote: a self-defeating dipshit who can't stop ordering packages from a shitty, indifferent corporation
hysterical
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I'm a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you'd be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
weird
This is your reminder that "Fight Club" is still the most important political movie about the post-Cold War world.
bad
“are you subtweeting me?”
“i do subtweet sir”
“are you subtweeting me sir?”
(to mutual) “is the timeline discourse on my side if i say aye?”
“nay”
“no sir i do not subtweet at you but i subtweet sir!”
weird
@tictacbergerac you got a fucking google you dumb bitch
bad
Cates Holderness @catesish
i know the internet has fundamentally broken me cause i just laughed about this for a solid 45 seconds
hysterical
Regular Frog @FrogCroakley
♬ He's boiling an egg ♬
♬ He's boiling it twice ♬
♬ He's boiled it again ♬
♬ He's losing his mind ♬
♬ Santa Claus is repeatedly boiling an egg ♬
weird
Christopher Ingraham @_cingraham
[at the USDA]
me: [chanting] hogs, hogs-
Iowa farmers: hogs, HOGS
USDA-NASS: [pounding keyboard] HOGS, HOGS, HOGS!
@usda_nass National Agricultural Statistics Service
•
#Iowa record high December #hog inventory, up 2% from previous year. #AgStats
weird
"WELL ACTUALLY": a sequel to "LOVE ACTUALLY" about why it's problematic
hysterical
(go to the elephant site) @hoverbird
The Bailey’s Irish Cream origin story is just straight up a @dril tweet
hysterical
And lo, unto her did appear a host of Corbyn defenders, who did descend upon her mentions, and she was not sore afraid, because she was used to it. And the host did sing with one voice, ‘ungodly woman, thou foolest us not. We know the true reason thou despisest Saint Jeremy.’ 1
famous
no one blocks like
hysterical
shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird
elf: [squinting at christmas list] how the fuck do you make a juul
hysterical
Doc martens just emo timbs
hysterical
Need to “just take a quick break” from your family this holiday season? Just sit on the toilet for 7-10 minutes looking at this app and become insane by reading people’s dumb ass thoughts
hysterical
I just opened up my bag of Ghost Pepper Potato Chips from Trader Joe’s and there’s a whole ass potato in the bag. I’m not kidding. An entire potato. I can’t even take the bag back cuz who the hell is gonna believe a full potato was in it. They’re just gonna say I put it in there.
hysterical
A BOY NIECE
@cIownshit mika moved accs
•
my niece/nauce(forgot what the word for boy niece is) looks like a chihuahua lmao
weird
asked siri what one trillion to the 10th power was
hysterical
I can’t recall if it was Tumblr or Reddit, but I’ll never forget the story I read where this girl went over to a guy’s apartment for pizza, and when it was done cooking he went “I hate this part” and grabbed the pizza with his exposed hands, screaming in pain as he retrieved it.
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maple cocaine @maplecocaine
Each day on twitter there is one main character. The goal is to never be it
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sarah schauer @sarahschauer
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it's raining
Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
weird
Driving lessons are so weird like you climb into a metal box with a divorced man and he teaches you not to kill anyone
hysterical
I Need To Shoot My Phone
famous
Druthers Haver @6thgrade4ever
Did Christ not stan the cancelled? Did he, in the darkness of Gethsemane, ask his Father to miss him with that?
weird
Keep missing the hitbox on my evening’s singular mug of wine
hysterical
This (photo) is how I spent last night.
Very nice hospital in The Hague with anaphylactic allergic reaction. All clear now.
Did I miss an Oval Office speech?
I assume no bombshelly news —like Trump campaign chair consorting with Russian intel agents— happened while I was out.
famous
Pretty cool: A good friend is studying in Yeshiva in Israel. His rabbi told him he liked my beard, elaborating “It gives Cruz a Talmudic & Rabbinic look & presence that will put the fear of the Lord into Israel’s enemies & promote Middle East peace.” Wow. Perhaps a bit much....
famous
I don't have time to read a "Baby on Board" bumper sticker. I am on my phone
weird
Jeff Bezos is getting divorced after realizing that marriage counts as a union.
hysterical
Henry Schulman BLUE CHECK MARK @hankschulman
If there's one thing I can predict, because this is how life works now, these two stories will change places on the sfgate.com most-read list before sunup.
hysterical
my apartment's pest control guy always refers to Richie (my cat) as a "fellow industry professional"
hysterical
shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird
[first day as a priest]
guy: father i must confess my sins
me: what's the tea my child
weird
Dan Sheehan @ItsDanSheehan
You: Hurt people hurt people
Me, nodding: and sea turtles see turtles
weird
finding out james blake is 6'5" really ruins his music boy you are a tall white man what are you even sad about
hysterical
they/them might be giants ☭ @babadookspinoza
The year is 2035. Marie Kondo holds up the condemned man to the crowd. “Does this man spark joy?” The crowd jeers, “No he does not!” She nods silently and throws him into the pit.
hysterical
Monica Lewinsky (she/her) @MonicaLewinsky
@DavidMFriend1 David Friend
•
Remember your first “Shutdown”?
famous
Jamilah Lemieux @JamilahLemieux
Looks like the 2016 election
@pollynor POLLY NOR
•
You don't know him like i do
hysterical
Pauly Casillas @PaulyCasillas
Hitting the weed pen in the club
hysterical
almost at that point in the day where that girl that carries around the ar-15 everywhere weights in on the Gillette ad by shaving her gun or something
weird
Kate Aronoff @KateAronoff
If I owe you an email, please find some comfort in the fact that my every waking hour is haunted by my debt to you
hysterical
Danielle Evans @daniellevalore
Because I only ever use one emoji, my phone has stored only one emoji as a person of color, and thus I have unintentionally created this work of art I call “Diversity Meeting”.
hysterical
dudes w floor mattresses consistently lay pipe but yall aren’t ready for that conversation
weird
yeah, sure, i like sorkin. sorkin my own dick
hysterical
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
hysterical
The Sears pension plan is responsible for 90,000 people and underfunded by at least $1.4 billion.
The government is going to have to bail them out now.
It is irresponsible for these poorly performing pensions to not have exposure to Bitcoin.
Call yours and demand it!
bad
Keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
weird
I wonder if when you walk into a celebrity's house, there's a wall full of photos of them standing with various pizzeria owners
hysterical
some earrings i ordered on aliexpress never arrived and they asked for photo evidence???
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Torey Van Oot @toreyvanoot
CAPTION OF THE YEAR:
hysterical
weird
Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome
Who hasn't been in a Starbucks bathroom and thought, "the guy in charge of this should be in charge of everything."
hysterical
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
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i don’t trust anyone who self-describes as “open minded”, either you want to start a fight about religion or you’re going to try to swing a threesome. please don’t make me guess
hysterical
Mercutio, dying, yelling at both Tybalt and Romeo: Both your houses are fucking canceled
weird
Mr. Livengood @doublequibble
*rammstein guy asking his wife what she wants for breakfast*
do
do hash
do hash browns
do hash browns sound good
do hash browns sound good
weird
Don’t make me get my leash
@TomiLahren Tomi Lahren
•
I got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight ICE agents ready to deport ya.
famous
a luminous presence shaped like Seth D. Michaels @sethdmichaels
it was unfamiliar when a few people started using it, but over time it became a more recognized and more accepted part of the discourse, somehow
@amyewalter Amy Walter
•
When did ‘Overton window’ become a thing?
hysterical
Shit. Head. @THE_shitface
Welcome to Twitter ladies. A married man, who mainly follows, and interacts with only women, will be assigned to you shortly
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Benny Davis @bennymofodavis
At age 23, Oprah was fired from her first reporting job
At age 30, Harrison Ford was a carpenter
Morgan Freeman landed his first major movie role at age 52
They all had time
Because climate change wasn't as pressing an issue for their generation
You? Probably no time.
hysterical
khiry curving @KhiryArion
so I asked my mom why is she still talking to my old boo and she asked me “why are you still talking to my ex husband?”. Ma’am.. that is my father
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People's Daily, China @PDChina
Brrr! Tourists wear funny animal-like hats to withstand the cold in Harbin, Northeast China's #Heilongjiang province, on Feb 12, when temperatures fell as low as -22C
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Mikayla Downs @mikaylaariel
Pyramid scheme influencers be like:
hysterical
Adam Friedland @AdamFriedland
Gentle reminder to all the Bernie bros to practice self-care. Arguing with centrist women online is emotional labor
weird
this is one of my favorite posts of all time
hysterical
[inventing balloons] I need one more thing that wants to leave me
weird
Shut up or Britain will vote for it
@qikipedia Quite Interesting
•
If all the spiders in the world worked together, they could eat all humans in just one year.
hysterical
This looks like a scientist explaining to his clones what went wrong
hysterical
sara mchenry @yellowcardigan
My therapist: <laughs at a joke I said>
Me (to myself): This is great. I’m going to get a good grade in therapy, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve,
weird
Cooper Fleishman @_Cooper
Please. That’s my father’s name. You can call me Jimmy Eat World
hysterical
Curtis Sittenfeld @csittenfeld
Tonight I defined portmanteau for my children with the sentence "I sharted in my jorts" in case anyone ever tries to tell you being an English major doesn't pay off
famous
My team surprised me with a cake made out of my favorite snack—twinkies! Looking forward to all this year has in store.
famous
The Golden Sir @screaminbutcalm
Me sowing: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!!
Me reaping: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.
hysterical
The Gentle Freak @mitchysuch
No one talks about the correlation of pop punk songs disparaging the suburbs and the modern gentrification of urban centers
hysterical
yes i am a "HO"
Honorable
online
weird
@AOC I’m sorry to tell you it’s much more than 10. But this is for a couple!
@yashar Yashar Ali
•
As a couple you should own a minimum of the following
10 Bath Sheets
10 Bath Towels
10 Hand Towels
20 Wash Cloths
Preferably more
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez @AOC
@yashar This is for a bed and breakfast
weird
comedycentral @ComedyCentral
Beto O’Rourke, photographed by Annie-morph Leibovitz.
hysterical
hunter harris @hunteryharris
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Jia Tolentino @jiatolentino
A brief survey of my own text messages is making me wonder if I'm gonna talk like this forever. Like am I going to be 90 years old schlepping my walker around the nursing home & poking my head into friends rooms like "hello my good bitch, the edible you gave me was tight"
hysterical
No one:
Your mom: your dad was in the hospital last week but he’s fine now
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ME: [never once in the 14 years of YouTube's existence watching a video about how Islam is taking over the West]
YOUTUBE: you know what I think you'd like
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╭━━━━━━━━━━━━╮
┃ CO — STAR ┃
┃ ┃
┃I see you’ve got ur clown ┃
┃suit on like you always do ┃
╰━━━━━━━━━━━━╯
hysterical
hunter harris @hunteryharris
elizabeth holmes had split ends and didn't fill in her brows of course she was lying. next question
hysterical
Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
weird
To see if you had scoliosis???
@vixendessy 11:11
•
do y’all remember those scoliosis screenings in middle school? wtf was the reason for that
hysterical
just found out about Object Permanence... why didnt any one tell me about this shit
weird
Colin Diersing @cdiersing
Guy with the megaphone: No justice!
Crowd: No peace!
Guy with megaphone: You were at my wedding!
Crowd (louder this time): Denise!
dunks
Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz
DOCTOR: It says here you took 3 years off to "soak in tub" ?
ME: (pleasantly) Yes, due to my agonies.
hysterical
Jennifer Gunter @DrJenGunter
I made a Venn diagram
hysterical
Andrew Yang ⬆️ @AndrewYang
The only thing standing between me and the White House is popularity.
famous
Adam Sternbergh @sternbergh
ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you: twitter
hysterical
Cara Weinberger @caraweinberger
[man gets down on one knee] this is actually more of a comment than a question
hysterical
frog "Philip K. Dickgirl" kosaric @yurirando
tibetan foxes have the exact energy of when you go into arby's stoned and ask about their 5 for $5 promotion, which has been gone for longer than anyone has worked there. the tibetan sand fox's face is the face the cashier makes at you, and the face you make at the cashier
hysterical
Fred Delicious @Fred_Delicious
I made this thinking it would be funny but now I'm on the verge of a panic attack
weird
Druthers Haver @6thgrade4ever
CHOTINER: So how many tacos did you eat?
ME: About four, I think.
CHOTINER: Ok. On Instagram--
ME: Or six, maybe.
CHOTINER: Yeah. Do you think some people might call that a lot?
ME: Well, that's why I got the small chips.
CHOTINER: Right. It's about discipline.
ME: Exactly.
hysterical
damn they finally got rid of morrissey
@coachella Coachella
•
The Smiths
dunks
computer man @gloomfather
Lol that’s funny dude. Reminds me of something one of my mentally ill twitter friends said several months ago.. hang on just give me 45 minutes to find it so I can read it out loud for you,
hysterical
what is this, robin thicke? because of all the blurred lines!
hysterical
please nobody show radiohead this
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White man: you can’t sit here!
Rosa parks: why not?
White man: because you already have a place......in my heart.
*ancestry dot com logo with a soft fade out*
weird
for all they gassed it up in school the whole checks and balances system is a wild flop
weird
Maggie Haberman @maggieNYT
I hope you read it, Chris - among other things, it affirms most of the real-time reporting that the NYT and other outlets did, reporting the White House sought to undermine at the time. It's a fascinating read and one that everyone should spend time on.
@ChrisRBarron Chris Barron
•
I hope they do to and don’t rely on the NYT.
Chris Barron @thechrisbarron
@maggieNYT Hey. I just want to say, I’m Chris Barron, the guy from the Spin Doctors. @ChrisRBarron is not me and I don’t share his political views.
famous
traitor joe @phoebe_bridgers
hey there delilah are you mad at me
famous
alone and my thoughts...
weird
Kelsey D. Atherton, now available on Bluesky @AthertonKD
Oh, you're experiencing a structural problem? Have you ever considered trying different personal choices instead?
hysterical
Brandy Jensen @BrandyLJensen
I’m deleting this tweet because the wave of vitriol it sparked is wild but want to transparent about it, so here’s a screenshot for posterity. My main point was that I made sacrifices to be tilted like a pig and that it is 100% possible if you make some compromises
hysterical
i hate to be that guy, but if i was a baseball player i could definitely escape. especially if i was an outfielder. just wait for a grounder and hop the fence when no one’s looking. i’d be miles away before anyone noticed
hysterical
Dan Sheehan @ItsDanSheehan
One time my dad saw a car for sale on a guy’s lawn in Wisconsin and thought it was a car that could transition into being a boat (???) so he told the guy he’d love to “buy this thing and drive it straight into the lake” which must’ve seemed like a massive power move at the time
hysterical
Today someone sent me hate email in all caps so I told him that I had a disorder where I couldn't read capital letters and he retyped the whole thing in lowercase.
hysterical
popculturediedin2009 @pcd2009
i know this hasn't been a topic of conversation since 2004 but can we take a moment to acknowledge the official release of paris hilton's sex tape opens with a dedication to 9/11
hysterical
it’s so weird to think how LMFAO was just a dude and his uncle
imagine chillin and ur uncle pulls up in those pants like bro let’s do this
hysterical
Gertrude Perkins ☄ @gertrudeprkns
Jim Carrey Robotnik looks like he and his wife trawl Tinder in search of "a third troubador to join us for schnapps and decadence in our Steampunk Boudoir"
hysterical
The visual noise of the cereal isle @clefabledude
wife: this might be racist-
me:
wife: against italians but-
me:
weird
HootHoot Liker @RainsNeerMyth
Detective Pikachu and Sonic are the start of the super smash brothers cinematic universe
hysterical
SonicFox @ BLFC @SonicFox
do not associate me with the sonic the hedgehog movie if you dont want your shins to be deleted
hysterical
This is it, my Nextdoor magnum opus...
hysterical
This typo is about to finish me off for good
hysterical
hysterical
I cant sleep gotta get 2 walmart
famous
Damn imagine you found the love of your life...then you see her tweeting about not washing her legs
hysterical
Dumplings imply the existence of a large dumple
hysterical
i don't think the british monarchy can survive the fact that it's gonna have kings for a while. modern people can handle a quaint old lady as a beloved figurehead, but middle-aged bald guys who think they're hereditarily better than you? unsustainable
hysterical
Paul Cherry @paulcherry69
just invented the sequel to the game ‘fuck marry kill’ it’s called ‘stan cancel mute’
hysterical
ppl get drunk on their birthday to distract from the fact that’s it’s also your annual performance review with the universe
weird
judas:
@corynmyles Certified Lover Girl
•
If you stan J**** C****** unfollow me now. Like immediately.
hysterical
Brandon Morse @TheBrandonMorse
I’ve never seen something more human from a robot than this.
hysterical
Sarah Beattie @nachosarah
trust me it doesn’t work
@JoeMyGod JoeMyGod
•
hysterical
I'm on bluesky now @InternetHippo
Apparently the moon is slowly backing away from the earth (at a rate of like 2 inches per year) and honestly there’s no loyalty in this solar system. You’re nothing without us you cratered bitch
hysterical
[middle english period group chat]
feudalismluvr: havin roast beef w/gravé tonite
groats4days: lol gravé
saxon_69: gravé
domesday_bloke: gravé
yas_faerie_kween: gravé
[le_borte_d'arthur has changed the group name to "gravé"]
@HaggardHawks Haggard Hawks Words | Language | Etymology
•
GRAVY is thought to derive from and Old French word, ‘grané’, that likely meant ‘seasoned’ or “well flavoured’. The N in ‘grané’ was likely misread for a U or a V in the Middle English period, and the mistake has remained in place ever since.
weird
wife of the mind @andrealongchu
a lot of writers on here like to complain about how hard writing is but personally i just open up the dirty window and let the sun illuminate the words that i cannot find
weird
doctor peanut @NINETIREDBUGS
whenever i see any of u flirting publicly on twitter dot com this is how i feel
hysterical
Someone Normal @whysimonewhy
When hot mean girls become public leftists
hysterical
Saying Louis CK got a standing ovation without revealing the venue didn’t have chairs is some PT Barnum level marketing.
famous
I must not reply. Replying is the mind-killer. Replying is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face the bad tweet. I will permit the bad tweet to pass over me and through me.
hysterical
m-at-thew @TweetPotato314
me: did you steal my thesaurus
horse: nope
weird
rip to ur grandma but i’m different
weird
madoc cairns | wsj @MadocCairns
hysterical
e m m a s w i f t @emmaswiftsings
Every boyfriend I’ve ever had
@DailyBUCKS BUCKINGHAMSHIRE
•
'Exotic' bird turns out to be a gull covered in curry or turmeric j.mp/2Xlfoxt
weird
Aw shit...I just realized that the U.S. is to the world what Boston is to the U.S.
hysterical
I just feel like there’s another way
@omgkgomotso motso
•
Get pregnant and you shall see his true colours.
hysterical
Nick Scalera @nickscalera
I’m advising commuters not to use the street elevator at Pentagon Metro this morning. #wmata
earnest
Drew Gooden @drewisgooden
Excuse me @Delta but this is outrageous. I just got sucked through the toilet hole in one of your aircrafts and am now hurtling through the sky, can I get my money back? This never happens on Southwest.
weird
tired of these mfs
hysterical
oh fuck yeah I’m WOKE
W- white guy
O- overestimating my
K- knowledge on
E- extremely complex issues
hysterical
Kids be like “Watch this” then do a jump and spin wasting my fucking time
hysterical
Losing it @prophethusband
bro we’re in out late 20s we aren’t “socially awkward” we are fucking losers
hysterical
Dread Pirate Sunder @SunderCR
tarzan's last thought as he plummets to the jungle floor
@TopSpinTheFuzzy TopSpin the Fuzzy | PNGtuber
•
I miss vine
weird
[first day at Domino's]
Manager: oh and one more thing: don't fuck the pizzas
Me: haha
Asst Manager: seriously, don't fuck them
Cook: dont fuck the pizzas dude
Me: I'm n-
Customer: that guy's not gonna fuck my pizza is he?
Manager: not if he wants to keep his job he wont.
weird
The Sopranos should be called Jersey Boys and Jersey Boys should be called The Sopranos
hysterical
MY MAN: (comes home)
ME: (nervous) how was the store
MY MAN: fine
ME: oh thank g —
MY MAN: ran into jolene
ME: oh no
MY MAN: she mentioned you left kind of an intense voicemail
hysterical
Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz
I think all student loans should be forgiven but each person's forgiveness ceremony should be extremely long and insanely Catholic
hysterical
Willie McNabb @WillieMcNabb
@JasonIsbell Legit question for rural Americans - How do I kill the 30-50 feral hogs that run into my yard within 3-5 mins while my small kids play?
hysterical
heather schmelzlen @anchorlines
because maybe
you're gonna be the one that saves me
and after all
you're my feral hog
weird
Angelo Guisado @VoltaireLaFlare
calling them feral hogs is a good start but we’re not going to get anywhere if they still get qualified immunity
hysterical
to me the most cursed “tik tok” is the passage of time itself
hysterical
The Beatles didn’t make good music they just happened to exist in the first decade that women were allowed to be horny
hysterical
“I shook Robert Kennedy’s hand in 1968,” a woman tells Pete Buttigieg. “So you’re good luck?” he asks. “Not really— he was shot a month later,” she tells him.
famous
Kate Aronoff @KateAronoff
millennials trying to fit in while talking to boomers and gen x about a potential recession: yeah totally it'd be a huge bummer if all my .....assets..... lost.... value
hysterical
i really hope we never have flying cars. imagine walking home after a bad day and a kia soul flies over u blasting party rock anthem
hysterical
this the toilet taint
weird
nick ciarelli @nickciarelli
Jeremy renner is like if a normal guy who works at Dicks sporting goods was granted many wishes by god
hysterical
maybe: God @champagneswathi
if your boyfriend has an android.. ur single to me tf is he gonna do?? tell me to (1/2) fuck (2/2) off ???
hysterical
Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood
every time I start my period early and am wondering why I wake up the next morning and see that franzen’s been at it again
weird
palmer ward @decentbirthday
I thought my GrubHub driver died for a second
hysterical
Dan Sheehan @ItsDanSheehan
Left this up for my roommates but if anyone needs to quote tweet it and say “same” to go viral, I understand
hysterical
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
earnest
Nick Harvey @mrnickharvey
No shit Sherlock
hysterical
sweet daddy (taylor’s version) @callmedgoodz
who is the share to facebook button on pornhub really helping
hysterical
Christopher Ashman @CAshmanActor
German snakes be like hißß
weird
how old were you when you realized seal's "kissed by a rose" was about cocaine
@bijanstephen I checked Genius and this exchange killed me
famous
this.... this explains so much
@bijanstephen bijan
•
how old were you when you realized seal's "kissed by a rose" was about cocaine
hysterical
i refuse to ever teach my daughters the archaic concept of “losing one’s virginity” as if some baby-dicked boy who drives a Honda Civic is really taking something special from you lmaaaoo grow up and overthrow the government
weird
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought "Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard" meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
hysterical
RT @theblatt: It’s been 243 years since 1776. Who would have thought that the UK would end up with a functioning Supreme Court and the US w…
hysterical
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
hysterical
amfmpm.bsky.social @amfmpm
fourth law of robotics is ya gotta make it so the eyes go red when they turn evil
hysterical
Drop a pin so I can fade you
@RudyGiuliani Rudy W. Giuliani
•
American League Solidarity
famous
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
hysterical
Jeremy Gordon @jeremypgordon
[Cher "Believe" voice] Can you retweet and like all my posts
hysterical
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
not trying to start a feud or anything but I’m a little annoyed @HBO & Nicholas Britell asked Pusha T to write lyrics to the Succession theme, since they asked me to first and turned my version down youtu.be/e-6K2CjJ6dk
hysterical
really fucked up that you have to start every letter with "Dear" like youre trying to get the dept of weights and measures or whoever horny
weird
Jelly Santos @MrsJellySantos
Twitter has ruined everything. I can’t stop wondering if these people washed their legs before smashing grapes.
@insiderfood Insider Food
•
We visited Quinta de Vargellas to see how traditional port wine is made
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Maya Murillo @mayainthemoment
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
hysterical
bela lugosi's dad @markpopham
keeping track of things with the following rhyme:
if the Naomi be Klein
you’re doing just fine
If the Naomi be Wolf
Oh, buddy. Ooooof.
hysterical
can’t ban da snowman @MARSBEENTHUGGIN
that’s wild asf how animals just eat meat with no honey mustard, bbq sauce or nothing.
hysterical
YALL REALLY INSTALL A MICROPHONE THAT LISTENS TO U SLEEP JUST SO U CAN PRETEND TO BE A STAR TREK WITH A ROBOT ASSISTANT? WHAT IMPORTANT INSTRUCTIONS U GOT FOR IT ANYWAY? "ALEXA, REMIND ME NOT TO COOK & EAT MY KIDS"
hysterical
Ursula K LeBron @killakow
Me: So Nephew Kyle is Bill Simmons’ real nephew, but Cousin Sal is not his cousin. Rather, he’s Jimmy Kimmel’s cousin. Simmons was on the writing staff toward the beginning of Kimmel’s show
MacArthur Genius Grant Committee Chair: *typing furiously* Hold on you’re going too fast
weird
Kid at skatepark (as I arrive): “you a good skater?
me: sometimes
him: you ever been here?
me: no
him: you travel a lot?
me: yes, perhaps too much
him: are you a YouTuber?
me: no, I’m just a skater and a dad
him: wanna see me do a jump?
me: absolutely
..and I then shot this pic
Follow up: I asked him his name and he said Irving. I told him my name is Tony, to which he replied sarcastically “like Tony Hawk haha”
and then he left.
famous
Sofia Paredes @SofiaParedes79
When I'm bored I go around putting
these stickers on paper towel
dispensers
hysterical
famous
When I don’t know if someone is a lady or man I just call them fam .. ♂️ ♂️ i ain’t sure if that’s appropriate but that’s the best I can think of ..
earnest
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
hysterical
guillotine:
-gory
-hard to clean
-gets out of hand
wicker man:
-family friendly
-songs
-grows the seed and blows the mead and springs the wood anew
weird
Melissa A. Fabello, PhD @fyeahmfabello
I want to chat briefly about this text that I received from a friend last week:
bad
Matthew Miller @matthewamiller
Memo to the file: my google search history shows I searched "Trump nude photos" because I was trying to figure out what the hell Nunes keeps talking about, not because I actually, you know.....[shudder].
hysterical
me: face down, ass up
funeral director: absolutely not
weird
woman on the verge of a breakthrough (pixels, 2019)
famous
It’s me, Amanda Palmer. Please behold my ten-part play about a trio of French mimes having a mournful orgy inside a rusty harmonium. If you do not cover this you’re an enemy of women
famous
Melissa Gira Grant @melissagira
You know this all ends with Quillette launching a “punk cabaret” vertical
famous
A+ correction
hysterical
one time someone said pavlov probably thought about feeding his dogs every time he heard someone ring a bell and i haven’t been the same since
hysterical
Amy Slanchik @amyslanchik
Kiefer Police Chief Johnny O’Mara says one of his officers picked up five cups of coffee today at the Glenpool @Starbucks for his dispatchers, as a thank you for working on Thanksgiving.
“PIG” was printed on all five labels, he says. @NewsOn6
hysterical
remembering that time the New York DMV put a random 40-year-old Dominican man on my official driver's license and when I complained they said well is this not you
hysterical
i hate when people pray over my food. don’t you know it taste better if it got a dash of devil in it?
hysterical
Devon sawa fan page @Goldfarb232
Epstein (in Hell): I guess i'm thankful for the people stood by me,
xxxtentacion: bro pass the stuffing
nancy reagan: mr xxxtentacion, would you like . to suck cranberry sauce from my tits
weird
dylan gelula @DylanGelula
"i wish trader joes was on instacart!" -me living out my little pretend life as my phone sells my medical history to Chevron
hysterical
how did the grape afford surgery
weird
Dr. Larry Cebula @larrycebula
Friend took me for coffee, to talk.
Him: Wife and I are having a baby. Your kids seem cool. Parenting--how do you do it? Any tips?
Me: Whenever you see a stack of free paper napkins take a big handful.
Him:
Me:
Him: That's it?
Me: It is the only thing I am sure of.
earnest
Luis Vercetti @97Vercetti
no cop has ever told me “be safe” .. my weed man say it every time i leave his place .. says a lot about society
hysterical
soul nate @MNateShyamalan
hello, i’m an adult in a christmas movie. i don’t believe in santa but have also never bought my children even one of the presents they receive every year. they just appear and i am fine with this reality. this is neither confusing nor horrifying
weird
hate the Christmas lyric “do you know what I know?” smug little shit
weird
White dudes will be like "there he is, the man, the myth, the legend!" And it's just Garrett
hysterical
Me: "Can I have some friends over ?"
My mother: "who is coming?"
Me:
hysterical
David Farrier @davidfarrier
this is my review of cats
@davidfarrier "I'm 37 now, I've just seen the Cats movie."
hysterical
Camryn Garrett FRIDAY I'M IN LOVE OUT NOW @dancingofpens
These random boys added me to a group chat for people named Garrett and I get to stay bc they’re being very kind and it’s probably the best thing that’s happened all day
hysterical
not brendan @crocodilethumbs
do you think the kool aid man moves into bigger pitchers as he outgrows them like a hermit crab
weird
I tried explaining impeachment and the first thought I had was "he's been cancelled, but his account hasn't been suspended" and I need to lie down and think about who I am and what I'm doing
hysterical
Fujoshi's Island @Dauragon
This movie turned my guy into dr manhattan
@davidfarrier David Farrier
•
this is my review of cats
hysterical
subway rat made eye contact with me and said “join us. when the train comes we slide under the tracks and feel it rumble over us like a warm thunderstorm. we live forever and we love to live” I said no thank you I am too large he turned away from me I cried
weird
Crowsa Luxemburg @quendergeer
The existence of Tyler, the Creator presupposes the existences of a Tyler, the Destroyer. In this essay i shall
hysterical
handsomely
@StraightTalkSp1 StraightTalkSports
•
@minakimes How do you get paid to talk about sports
dunks
the prince with a thousand enemies ♂️ @jaketropolis
wish it was 1871 so i could cough into a hankerchief once, notice it is spotted with blood, and then die tragically and sexily a few weeks later from the consumption
hysterical
Not having sex for a year has made me see things differently. Mostly I see things like before, but hornier
hysterical
we both depressed, now we fucking under this weighted blanket
weird
Going into 2020 a virgin!!!
hysterical
the word queer has too much baggage for some people to ever be comfortable with its use, and any acronym is going to either exclude people or be incredibly unwieldy. I'm therefore suggesting a new term for people with non-normative sexual/gender identities.
the word is jellicle
hysterical
losing it at this rn
hysterical
this is one of the most powerful tweets i’ve ever seen
@htxjaylo HTX©
•
To anybody I hurt this year, I just want to say you deserved it. Stop playing with me
weird
the prince with a thousand enemies ♂️ @jaketropolis
so i can fuck your wife while you're deployed
@yogamattyy matty
•
The draft dodging jokes are funny. But for real. If you wouldn’t fight for your country, why are you here?
hysterical
no one:
every writers' room in history: I've thought of a great title for this episode
hysterical
Andrew Sullivan @sullydish
@nhannahjones @conor64 @AdamSerwer She decided to include what she calls a "myth" about "large sex organs" among African-Americans. As a test to see just how fact-checked these essays were, I merely asked her what sources she had that this is indeed a "myth." 2/
bad
Alex "Tropical" Forrest @380kmh
apparently a freight train in Minnesota was leaking corn
hysterical
Kelsey D. Atherton, now available on Bluesky @AthertonKD
there are thankfully few writers of Andrew Sullivan's calipers
dunk
[watching Star Wars]
Daughter: that was dumb to call it the Death Star.
Me: why?
Daughter: cause it tells the Rebels they need to blow it up.
Me: oh.
Daughter: I’m gonna call mine the Hope Star.
Me: smart lol wait-what?
bad
Hannalore Gerling-Dunsmore @JoyofPhysics
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
hysterical
Sarah Lazarus @sarahclazarus
regular weekend: damn hope I have time to do laundry
three day weekend: ’
hysterical
Patricia Hernandez @xpatriciah
best tinder bio I’ve ever read
hysterical
Alice Bennett ⏰ @alicecbennett
My vet has the news on precisely how little salami cats can have as a treat
hysterical
writing my Latino novel: "We fled late in the night, or /la noche/ as Mami calls it. I'm always embarrassed when Mami says shit like that, but I forgive her because she's one of eleven kids and is from /el barrio./ Anyway it was late at night, and Yolanda Saldivar was chasing us-
hysterical
No WONDER THIS WON THE WORST SEX AWARD THIS YEAR WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK
Tamarindo @MulherTamarindo
@EffiMai @murilopavo What a terrible day to know how to read
dunks
rip mr peanut, honey roasted to death
hysterical
The guy who owns Tito's Vodka is named Tito Beveridge....what the fuck
hysterical
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
hysterical
San Miguel Sheriff @SheriffAlert
Large boulder the size of a small boulder is completely blocking east-bound lane Highway 145 mm78 at Silverpick Rd. Please use caution and watch for emergency vehicles in the area.
famous
some people just do not learn
@ameliadimz Amelia Dimoldenberg
•
An Oscar worthy date OUT THURSDAY #DanielKaluuya #ChickenShopDate
hysterical
Nate Marshall @illuminatemics
when i listen to 'Kiss Me' by Sixpence None The Richer i am transported to when i was an angsty suburban caucasian girl who had a crush on the star QB. is this how white people feel about rap songs? i get it now. this is lit.
hysterical
jello being vacuumed through a tube be like shldopslddldpsshlosphsosspslosspspdls
weird
m a x w i t t e r t @waxmittert
BIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!! Is that MEDICAL fondue?!?????!?
hysterical
me at 8am on my day off: wow, a whole day stretches before me... what wonders await, how many things will i do!
me at noon on my day off: 4 hours deep into a stranger's "troubleshooting your homemade yogurt" wordpress blog posts
hysterical
I'm on bluesky now @InternetHippo
It’s wild that you can just do anything. Date the wrong person, choose the wrong career. You can go outside and start eating dirt if you want, and the universe lets you. Not even a pop up like “Are you sure?”
hysterical
There are only 6 kinds of tweet:
1. I feel drunk but I'm sober
2. I'm young and I'm underpaid
3. I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
4. I care but I'm restless
5. I'm here but I'm really gone
6. I'm wrong and I'm sorry, baby
hysterical
ａｓｋ ｎｏｔ ｆｏｒ
ｗｈｏｍ ｔｈｅ ｂａｊａ ｂｌａｓｔｓ；
ｉｔ ｂｌａｓｔｓ ｆｏｒ
ｔｈｅｅ
weird
Molly Lambert @mollylambert
Quibi is short for Quick Bites ergo Hulu is short for Huge Lunch
hysterical
The Hard Times @REALpunknews
Nü-Metal Doctor Asks You to Open Mouth and Say, “Ooh WA-AH-AH-AH-AH!”
hysterical
Law & Order: Massachusetts
.
.
.
hysterical
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
hysterical
men love driving cars with their feet sticking out the bottom and saying shit like yabba dabba doo²
² Posted during the first half of the 2019-2020 coronavirus outbreak, but preceding The Incident, we begin to see Leon's posting ability decline.
weird
heather schmelzlen @anchorlines
did my mom send this
hysterical
Jill Bennett @jillreports
I was sent to a Costco to see if people are stocking up (even though health officials say it’s not necessary) in case COVID-19 gets more serious here. This guy came out of the store with 16 boxes of condoms and a big jar of coconut oil. We all have priorities.
bad
I love black people.
hysterical
A while back, Dunkin Donuts used Rob Gronkowski in some ads. But my friend and I had no idea he was a football player, so we thought Dunkin came up with an Original Character named "Gronk" to advertise their energy drink.
hysterical
Rage Against The Machine ★ @RATM
Washing in the name of...
On this occasion it's best you do what they tell ya
famous
Interviewer: Why do you want to work for Facebook?
Me: I'm keen on protecting people's data and want them to have a good user experience
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me: haha I'm joking I don't give a shit
Interviewer: haha omg I was like whaaatttt lmao
hysterical
soul nate @MNateShyamalan
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
hysterical
Casey Johnston @caseyjohnston
absolutely killing me that all-purpose cleaning sprays made by mrs meyers, seventh generation, et al are still on grocery store shelves. when the cards are down and shit hits the fan no one is an organic hippie anymore
hysterical
Social distancing is underrated.
hysterical
Steven (with a ph) @SJKSalisbury
Thankfully I haven't had to go out and panic buy any food as I've been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
hysterical
thomas (Bad Boy arc) @perfectsweeties
long ago Andy Samberg cast out the awkward and mean parts of his personality which went on to take shape in the form of Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg. they now exist as a living matroyshka. every night Cera must climb inside Eisenberg who must then himself climb inside Samberg
weird
in my first zoom class prof started sharing screen and one of her folders is just in all caps DIVORCE
hysterical
soul nate @MNateShyamalan
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
- whiny
- boring
- weak
“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
- heroic, valiant
- they will assume you have a sword
- impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
weird
hysterical
what THE FUCK
hysterical
I had a dream that there was a thing on here where whenever Cuomo did something to dunk on de Blasio everyone posted "eggs up for Cuomo "
hysterical
had 3 coffees and a bunch of american cheese for breakfast "to see what happens"
hysterical
Laura Norkin @inLaurasWords
A funny thing about quarantining is hearing your partner in full work mode for the first time. Like, I’m married to a “let’s circle back” guy — who knew?
hysterical
Garrett Miller @heyitsgarrett
I've never played Animal Crossing, but based on what I've read on Twitter, you play a depressed millennial who moves to a deserted island to collect fish. Everyone congratulates you for catching these fish, except for Tom Nook who is an asshole.
hysterical
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
famous
Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden
One thing I’ve learned so far in quarantine is that my husband refuses to microwave anything for 45 seconds, he always does 44. When I asked him why, he said, “For Obama.”
bad
Commencing Day 16 Of Sheltering-in-Place. Coffee-run to gas-station complete. Eighteen large to-go. Put in car, drive them home, deloused, decontaminated, showered, and placed in fridge for use.
Stay safe out there, outlaws and creative-gypsies.
bad
Ariana Lenarsky @aardvarsk
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
hysterical
philip lewis @Phil_Lewis_
When you’re in full codeswitch mode but slip up a little bit:
hysterical
Romain Revert @romainrevert
Due to less air pollution the sky is so clear ! I can see the Universal logo !
weird
Chris Thorburn @CBThorburn
Editor: You get those photos of Elliott Gould and Grover?
Photographer: Sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked.
Editor: what
hysterical
Jose Canseco @JoseCanseco
Can Bigfoot or aliens get Coronavirus I need to know because I have had contact with them
weird
Having a baby is like the dark souls of tamagotchi
famous
Sophia Benoit @1followernodad
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
hysterical
Sophia Benoit @1followernodad
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Amanda Mannen @Manna_Festo
@1followernodad @MaraWilson He never even tells us what he'd do as a man who makes potions in a traveling show. Just leaves that whole storyline dangling.
hysterical
Allie Goertz @AllieGoertz
Why would anyone try to end the lockdown before we reach Day 69?
hysterical
Today is 5/9, or as some guys call it 5/11
hysterical
Christina Grace @C_GraceT
she was the blueprint for....so many Twitter users
hysterical
My plans 2020
hysterical
thinking about how my ex used to say lana del rey was miserable that she'd never get the opportunity to fuck JFK and took it out on the rest of us with her music
hysterical
She in racial chat rooms showing feet!!!
hysterical
My dude found out exactly how expensive this hobby can get…
hysterical
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
weird
De Blasio: ‘It Is An Honor To Have My Daughter Doxxed By The Greatest Police Force In The World’ bit.ly/2Mm1Zx4
hysterical
NaomiOsaka大坂なおみ @naomiosaka
I hate when random people say athletes shouldn’t get involved with politics and just entertain. Firstly, this is a human rights issue. Secondly, what gives you more right to speak than me? By that logic if you work at IKEA you are only allowed to talk about the “GRÖNLID” ♀️?
famous
m-at-thew @TweetPotato314
me: how many are in a dozen
baker: 13
me: why
baker: cause fuck 12
hysterical
Jenny Skeleson @JennyENicholson
We're gonna have to retire the expression "avoid it like the plague" because it turns out humans do not do that
hysterical
soul nate @MNateShyamalan
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
hysterical
Soon-Tzu Speechley 孫子 @speechleyish
Writing about US food the way the NYT covers Asian fruit: In a nation torn by racial conflict, one unlikely food unites. To those accustomed to chopsticks, the greasy parcel known as a 'burger', a sort of split bao, is crude and messy. Yet it encapsulates a nation's violent past.
hysterical
Astral Ward Researcher Casey @kcander44
Me: What do you want to name your character?
Kid (almost 4): City Jeans.
Me: I've literally been paid to come up with character names for a video game and never thought of one that good.
Kid: Incredible Good Fun Francis Dances.
Me: Fuck.
earnest
Always the last place you'd think to look
@KatieKatro6abc Katie Katro
•
hysterical
@devonbl Coffee tastes like chocolate juice makes me go fast
weird
in a rage., i farted into the gamestop cashregister, venting my frustration and rendering the money unusable, paving the way for gold stndrd
weird
James Herbert @outsidethenba
nba gossip is now called bubble tea
hysterical
master general @daveloach2
Blowing past Sisyphus while rolling two enormous boulders up the hill instead of one and flipping him off
weird
Susan Orlean @susanorlean
Maybe I am drinking too much during THE FUCKING PANDEMIC
famous
Susan Orlean @susanorlean
I am@being shunned by my family because I am drunk. Yes ok I am fine with that FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKERS
famous
Joyce Carol Oates @JoyceCarolOates
traditionally "Ivy League" refers to the highest quality undergraduate education. Harvard Law, where Dershowitz taught, is not Harvard College & I think that I am correct, but tell me if I am not, that Harvard Law is not, strictly speaking, "Ivy League."
@wagatwe Wagatwe Wanjuki
•
Alan Dershowitz is proof that ivy league does not equal better, smarter, or more good. Stop expecting better of people because they're affiliated with a centuries-old institution build on money from kidnapping, raping, and enslaving Africans.
famous
Robert Komaniecki @Komaniecki_R
Ludacris: Has starred in the majority of the Fast and the Furious franchise
Mozart: Has never appeared in a F&F movie, possibly did not even own a sports car
hysterical
Youth Pastor: ...You know who else had a wet ass pussy?
hysterical
Alexandria Neonakis @Beavs
upset that i saw this image and immediately started singing this. pic.twitter.com/TKpQBXMkCl
@AJamesMcCarthy Andrew McCarthy
•
I took an 85 megapixel shot of the moon last night by blending together 24,000 individual image frames. #astrophotography #opteam #space
weird
people on here will tweet anything. “Charlie Brown had hoes.” No he didn’t. That isn’t true.
hysterical
Shiv Ramdas Official Boye Mafia Spokesman @nameshiv
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
hysterical
weird thing for nintendo to announce on mario's 35th anniversary but okay i guess
weird
i feel so bad when i overtake an old person on the sidewalk like man i really didn't mean to flex on you with my youthful stride
hysterical
Bruh I’m sorry, but there is not a single situation where a Baby can where Jeans & I won’t laugh. The fuck is that kid wearing such a serious fabric for Lmao. Baby Legs in jeans look funny as hell, it’s literally inches of Denim. Idk why it’s so funny
hysterical
Chuck Grassley @ChuckGrassley
I assumed deer dead bc it was night and no carcas
famous
urine is not sterile. it has piss in it
weird
I can’t believe I did it. Over 2500 miles on a bicycle, 36 days LMFAO
hysterical
Very troubling that the song "Monster Mash" isn't the Monster Mash — it's a song about the Monster Mash, which is not itself heard on the track, and is fundamentally unknowable to us.
weird
dear “posers” who wear our shirts but can’t even name three songs: keep it up. we love you. we appreciate the support. impale the gatekeepers on spears and leave them posted alongside your path as a warning to others.
hysterical
cancela lansbury @gossipbabies
Kayleigh McEnany teighsts poseightyve for Coveighd-19
weird
idk why but saying someone engaged in a clownish undertaking feels like a bigger roast than just calling them a clown
@jeneps Jennifer Epstein
•
Lester Holt presses Biden on calling Trump a "clown." Biden says “I should have said this is a ‘clownish undertaking’ instead of calling him a clown."
hysterical
Gators Daily @GatorsDaily
ITS FLAT FUCK FRIDAY YOU FUCKING LOSERS
hysterical
Katy Bartzis MEd @kbartzz
Work have been sending this out "to help support our mental health while working from home" and I cannot cope
hysterical
Are YOU Jeffrey Toobin's penis? Please drop us a line! tips@defector.com
hysterical
last one
dunks
Meredith Haggerty @meredithaggerty
Generational stereotyping is bad and wrong but it's extremely boomer to be horny at work.
dunks
Aesthetic
weird
they need to make a movie like ‘joker’ but for waluigi
weird
Olivia Nuzzi @Olivianuzzi
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened,” a former White House official told me. “Live. Laugh. Love.”
This person added, “Sometimes you own the libs; sometimes the libs own you.”
hysterical
Olivia Craighead @oliviacraighead
alex trebek was proof that you can be a kind person who also bullies nerds, 100% legend
hysterical
if Rudy Giuliani is the lawyer they're going to end up arguing this case in food court
@RudyGiuliani Rudy W. Giuliani
•
Up early working on PA.
@realDonaldTrump election night 800,000 lead was wiped out by hundreds of thousands of mail in ballots counted without any Republican observer.
Why were Republicans excluded?
Tweet me your guess, while I go prove it in court.
hysterical
hodel in the streets, chava in the sheets @mrotzie
For what it's worth, canceling our Thanksgiving celebrations to prevent the spread of COVID gives us a great opportunity to talk to our kids about how entering someone else's home to intentionally spread a deadly disease is foundational to the holiday in the first place.
hysterical
Ludwig Kietzmann ☕️ @LudwigK
Hi, sorry I haven't responded to your text, video games basically don't have loading screens anymore
hysterical
bigots not knowing what a transcriber does is now my lifeblood - this is the 3rd time this has happened, lmfao
dunks
really overwhelmed by this autofill situation
hysterical
unfortunately all twitter users are inherently unloveable, that’s why we are here
@eddievedderNO ivy baggs
•
have u ever fallen in love with a twitter mutual
weird
Mahyar Tousi @MahyarTousi
The French Prime Minister struggling to find his glasses despite already wearing them is just the sort of content I needed today
famous
Genie Lauren @MoreAndAgain
Y'all. . . why did my sister just tell me. . .
Marisa Tomei's name is an anagram for "it's-a ME, Mario!"
hysterical
JUSTIN CASE YOU'RE SCARED @Heisenherr
The kids asked if they could write “Let It Snow” on the windows... the bottom is what can be seen from the road.
hysterical
aw man what
weird
Philip K Dick movies all have names like CORTICAL IMPASSE and are based on short stories called like "Let's See What's Going On Down at the Brain Factory"
hysterical
(DMing a mutual) hey man I'm imagining Dracula saying your latest tweet and it's freaking me out. Could you possibly delete it
hysterical
return to reply guy @neoliberal_dad
Some pics from probably the most memorable night of this year for me!
hysterical
OffColorDecals @OffColorDecals
Here's a wholesome Christmas Eve post for y'all. The Lego aisle at Target was completely sold out except for one set that, curiously, nobody seemed interested in buying this year: the police station.
hysterical
Beverly Gooden @bevtgooden
I’ll never forget how my friend, a museum curator, told a guy she’d just met what her job is and he responded with “I’m a curator too.” She asked of what and he said,
“vibes.”
hysterical
edburmila.bsky.social @edburmila
Every member of the political class is like “dignity of work” and “get a real job” and then they file these disclosures where they got paid $5 million to sing “Africa” at the annual Raytheon karaoke party
hysterical
in england, they don't say i'll kick your ass, they say i'll see you on the
hysterical
jake tapper is a real news pussy. you take that back
@Mediaite Mediaite
•
Trump Campaign’s Jason Miller Calls Jake Tapper ‘A Fake News P*ssy’ After CNN Host Tells Him to Pay His Child Support
hysterical
"im not owned! im not owned!!", i continue to insist as i slowly shrink and transform into a corn cob
hysterical
Robert Komaniecki @Komaniecki_R
Musicians, if a pianist ever bullies you, just ask them if they can play this
hysterical
Jimmy (not one of those) Rothschild(s) @Pale_0ntologist
Excuse me while I write 150,000 words on these two images
hysterical
jon ehrens (jehrens.bsky.social) @jwehrens
i can now say this without fear of being murdered: i don't like the phil spector production style that much. too muddy.
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Mayor Guy Fieri @GuyFieri
Not me. Us.
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Panic! At The TL @Puff_Iya
Is this why my stimulus taking so fucking long? Get yo ass back in those meetings!
@NathyPeluso Nathy Peluso
•
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Post one picture that changed your entire concept of what television could be
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The Gentle Freak @mitchysuch
Instead of becoming a millionaire off GameStop I invested in therapy and became a millionaire in feelings
hysterical
it’s been a weird day
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actioncookbook @actioncookbook
GENIE: are you sure you really want to do this?
ME: I’m sure.
GENIE: [sighs] fine. Here’s what it would look like if Guy Fieri had a Wario
@cirnoplusplus cirno++
•
>This man on Fox News just said that they should “ban social media from talking about short stocks”
hysterical
how come they didn't have the gunfight at the excellent corral
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San Miguel Sheriff @SheriffAlert
A large boulder the size of a large boulder is blocking the southbound lane Hwy 145 mm28 in Stoner Creek area of Montezuma County. Expect delays. #largeboulder
hysterical
Every photo of Matt Gaetz looks like Jack Nicholson as the Joker when he puts on regular foundation.
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Never Told Story,but Swear It’s True .Have Touchy Neck So Try Things.1. Night I See Kinda Weird Guy Selling Pillows & Order 1. It Was like Sleeping On Rocks,So I Sent It Back.I Thought I Shouldn’t Say Anything.When I Saw Him with trump Still Kept .Now I Don’t Care”Pillow Sucks”
famous
if I were in the stanford prison experiment I’d just stay calm and have fun with it
hysterical
lea chin-sang @bigfatmoosepssy
@erinmartina @emokendallroy When God sings with his creations, will a turtle not be part of the choir?
weird
traitor joe @phoebe_bridgers
you’re telling me edward is a hundred and something year old vampire genius and his favorite song is clair de fucking lune
famous
in ur COVID relationship which of u is the beautiful shut-in who tends the garden and which of u is the nasty little goblin who ventures into town every Tuesday to endure the jeers of townsfolk at the grocery store
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Jose Canseco @JoseCanseco
My beautiful daughter poop love her very much
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Adam Friedland @AdamFriedland
Not an anti Vax guy but I won’t be taking the Johnson & Johnson vaccine. I’m not a baby
@kylegriffin1 Kyle Griffin
•
WASHINGTON (AP) — US clears Johnson & Johnson’s single-dose COVID-19 shot, adding a third vaccine option to the race against the virus.
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Gavrilo Princip Loner Folk @IJamEcono
Somehow the Hand Sanitizer Cam at NBA games is hornier than the Kiss Cam
hysterical
Can we stop the posts please guys. Can we all cool it with the gags, riffs, spoofs, and epic shit. People are trying to do mental health
weird
The Senate getting bills from the House
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andi zeisler @andizeisler
I know the rhetoric about getting “shots into American arms” is meant to invoke a patriotic can-do spirit but it just makes me wonder what would happen if the vaccine had to be injected into our butts instead
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Anthony Oliveira @meakoopa
almost finished my great masterpiece, which is a spreadsheet of which male singers 1982-2006 were hot enough to be The Guy In The Video or whether The Guy In The Video had to be a different, hotter man
Anthony Oliveira @meakoopa
good news for bryan adams, bad news for phil collins, surprising data for meatloaf
weird
Paddy Raff @paddyraffcomedy
*reading an article in 30 AD’
‘Meet Jesus, the man who started with NOTHING & built one of the world’s fastest growing religions!’
Me: wow!
*top of paragraph 3*
‘With a little help from his father, God’
Me: fucking knew it
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Kristen Arnett @Kristen_Arnett
waiting for the vaccine like
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Rabbi Mordechai Lightstone @Mottel
I lol'd
Quarantine Passover
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Ken Klippenstein @kenklippenstein
famous
bear in bethlehem ️ @PADDINGTONROCKS
hysterical
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Miguel d'Oliveira @MigueldOliveira
My orchestrator told me to add something because the cellos need more support.
Just emailed him back this.
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Aaron Ansuini @AaronLinguini
Psychology textbook diagrams never cease to amaze me
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Aaron Ansuini @AaronLinguini
You know in video games, where you choose your dialogue and it’ll lead to different results?
A bird shat on your car.
Choose your dialogue:
“Birds hate me” —> depression
“Birds are inconsiderate pricks” —> no depression
weird
traitor joe @phoebe_bridgers
hot girl summer implies the existence of cold bitch winter
famous
I asked the nurse giving my vaccine if I could use a bandaid I brought from home and she was like “I don’t see why not” and now she sees why not
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chris awesome @ihavedisease
Birds are just named stuff like Hotbreasted Milf and no one does anything about it
weird
Science News @ScienceNews
In the desert, an ass hole is a welcome sight for many parched creatures.
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Karl Stomberg @KFosterStomberg
The underside of the Washington St bridge has taken a strong anti-NFT stance
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compact pamphlet @luxmberg
your honor that was a bit
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Having a headache is so embarrassing, like bro you are the one that decides when things hurt just turn it off
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Joe Russell (JoeR@mastodon.design) @Joebob
I think there’s been an accident
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Everyone busting my CRACKERS over the “pants”—(partially my fault because I called attention to them with the Bugle Boy comment). The truth is, they’re BALMAIN (the most prestigious brand in PANTS)—my shoes are by Ferragamo. Basically, I’m a Sharp Dressed Man. Thank you !
bad
rhiannon rings ✨ $5 OF @harlotposting
if they had twitter in england i would be like “NFT? mate there’s no such thing as enough tea ” and mfs would go crazy for it
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Muppet History @HistoryMuppet
Kermit the Frog unrecognizable in The Great Muppet Caper pic.twitter.com/HVd5jC93dE
@nypost New York Post
•
Leonardo DiCaprio unrecognizable in first photos of new Scorsese film trib.al/nwqpPxP
hysterical
this came to me in a vision
weird
( ) I’m in
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saying ‘i have money tied up in investments’ to describe having asos returns i haven’t sent back yet
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Andrea More @amore_orless
every swimsuit for women now is like, ok you must feel comfortable showing your entire ass, have absolutely no vulva, and know how to tie the most advanced sailor knot around your torso. also it’s $90 for just the bottoms
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MATERIAL GIRL @materialgirlrap
I literally had a nightmare that everyone on the Internet was doing something called “wiseposting” but I just couldn’t get it right and so people would bombard my replies with the sentence “mmmm, no, very unwise”
weird
Joe Gabriel Simonson @SaysSimonson
When bitcoin is up the crypto guys I follow are like “new paradigm. The global order is finished. If you were left behind, I hope you own a gun.” And when it’s down they’re either like “wow. Hm.,” or posting meaningless Chinese proverbs like “Every step makes a footprint.”
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sadly i do think my last words will be "not me dying"
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j. oliver rancher esquire @__jackary
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"Eww she fuck the weed man for weed"- a bitch that's fucking the Text man for Texts
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/ Geoff Bisente @GeoffBisente
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I Could’ve Just Sat On In With Massa @WrittenByHanna
Y’all need to go outside and eat some ass or whatever I can’t believe this bee controversy has taken over my TL
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so we’re just powering through hot drunk trainwreck summer without processing all the grief, I love this for us it’s like Hemingway going to the French Riviera after WWI
sorry I didn’t finish Ernie’s biography, that went awesome and ended well right
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Mike Beauvais @MikeBeauvais
Before she left, Naomi Wolf left us with one of the funniest tweets in the history of this garbage site.
dunks
fight club is just about a guy who made up a guy to get mad at only to realize the guy was himself
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shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird
attorney: [reading my will] my darling wife, to whom i bequeath the totality of my...updog
[whole room groans]
attorney: it says to pause to allow anyone to inquire as to what updog is
weird
So funny that this ad is not for the shirt. Nothing to do with the shirt. Shirt isn’t even mentioned. We’re just supposed to pretend that’s a normal shirt.
hysterical
let the bodies keep the score
let the bodies keep the score
let the bodies keep the score
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Richard Marx @richardmarx
Aww, man. That’s so sweet. How’d the rest of his dentist appointment go?
@JohnSchaech John-a-thon Schaech
•
@richardmarx my son heard ‘right here waiting’ for first time. Loved it.
famous
John McAfee didn't even start his career as a drug fueled international fugitive until he was in his 60s. So just remember that it's never too late to chase your dreams.
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Nate Silver @NateSilver538
Recently there's been the emergence of a small but distinct group of dudes (mostly) on here whom you might call anti-contrarians.
bad
soul nate @MNateShyamalan
in the 90’s, computers would scream every time you went online. that was foreshadowing
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I’m Boston Sober (an alcoholic)
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My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
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Arielle Nissenblatt (sounds like 'this & that') @arithisandthat
A podcast where parents try to explain what their adult children do for a living
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generations are mostly fake but i have arbitrarily decided that the millennial / gen-z line is whether this joke lands
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lil pom poko jerk @rajandelman
Olympics news is so wild. Every item is like "entire Danish swim team lost in lava pits," or "opening ceremony producer resigns after people recall his history of eating stop signs," or "God begs us to stop"
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someBODY once told me
the beach was gonna old me
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america's lounge singer @KrangTNelson
remembering the 2012 london olympics when the main storyline of the american athletes was “there’s this one swimmer who is insanely dumb”
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Mike Scollins @mikescollins
two wicked big roads split apaht
and fuckin sorry I could not travel both
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Jason Lipshutz @jasonlipshutz
“Let me make this clear: this is NOT Woodstock ‘99. Fuck all that bullshit.” - Fred Durst before launching into “Break Stuff” at Lollapalooza!
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Raspberry bidet
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disco in furlough @ThiefOfTweets
Thrilling chase underway
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“obsessed with these vibes” i say entering a situation so wretched and foul
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One of the funniest things I’ve ever witnessed was when this strobe light at G1C was malfunctioning and it was terrorizing this guy SPECIFICALLY
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Tashy McTashface @TashP351
My friends daughters hamster has been missing and feared dead for almost 2 weeks now.
Last night she forgot to wash up the paint tray after a day of decorating.
We now think the hamster may still be alive…
earnest
Shannon Hale @haleshannon
I wasn't feeling well and was lying down in bed. My 10yo was next to me, playing on my phone. I didn't realize she was using it to text my husband, pretending to be me.
earnest
i was a vaccine checker tonight at my venue and i swear to god i’m not fucking with you, one couple came up to me and asked “vaccine for what”…… WHAT DO YOU MEAN VACCINE FOR WHAT
earnest
i can see why he had to resign
@RiversCuomo Rivers Cuomo
•
Whenever I start to objectify a woman, I just think about how much her father must love her.
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Ryan North 4️⃣ @ryanqnorth
GOOGLE: Of course, sir, here's the download time calculation you requested. But... while Monsieur is here, could he perhaps be interested in a... different kind of data transfer?
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woke up from an incomprehensible dream where this was the hot new meme
weird
sorry but the highest tier of Posting is when there’s a legal record of how you ruined your life by Posting
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When y’all got nothing in common but you vibe
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law dog, esq. @ggooooddddoogg
sorry i can’t come into work today the cuban government has used a targeted energy weapon on me producing symptoms identical to a hangover
weird
guest rapper on gorillaz song: i been in ends since ten kicking product round the bend, my mum died of tuberculosis i'm slipping into psychosis
Damon Albarn on the chorus: ooooooh flimsy steve, where did you go, what have you seen
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I met Pope Francis in the Vatican yesterday, briefly. I said, “Holy Father, I wrote a lot of good tweets.” He took my name tag in his hands, looked at it, and said, “the Florida congressman who likes young girls?” C’est la vie…
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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The body of Christ seasonally spiced
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yikes, unfollowing him now. i'm a big fan of his paintings, i had no idea he started the war on terror
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My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding. So just pray on it & make sure you’re comfortable with ur decision, not bullied
famous
Rajat Suresh @rajat_suresh
Told nicki Minaj some sensitive info about my testicles. She’s a really good friend so I can trust her not to tell anyone about it
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y’all be scared to double text lmaoo not me ding ding tis i again
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69 love songs and none of them pass the bechdel test...
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Tommy Siegel @TommySiegel
i’ve seen a lot of discussion and debate around neutral milk hotel lately, so i just wanted to share this comprehensive guide. i hope this clears things up.
weird
They probably should've done Feel Good Inc instead
Gorillas Perform Oral Sex at Bronx Zoo, Humans Horrified
weird
life is so crazy. 5 years ago i used to just sit on twitter in my room all day but now i’m rich and i sit on twitter in my room all day.
famous
Dolly Parton @DollyParton
When her beauty is beyond compare with flaming locks of auburn hair
famous
You’re only as good as the company you keep.. this is what 43 looks like for me
famous
Carter Amelia Davis @sweetstench
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I could’ve told her that.
famous
@kaaauthor what do you think of our Halloween costume?
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why does he have sweet baby rays bbq on the decorative shelf 2
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How am I? I’m reading the corporate bio of Ed Sheeran’s wife on the Deloitte website
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When I first heard of QAnon, I thought it was a support group for women who found out their husbands were gay.
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Lindsey Adler @lindseyadler
the stranger next to me at a karaoke bar last night was scrolling a facebook group called “MEN ENJOYING FEET” while waiting for his song to come up, then he sung “under the sea,” which is a song about a mermaid who wishes she had feet
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Good news: My eye doctor was very impressed that I diagnosed myself with astigmatism based on a meme
Bad news: It’s not quite bad enough to fix with contacts. So I guess I’ll let you know when I’m on the road and you can use caution
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Gen Z Poets are gonna be built differently
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wife of the mind @andrealongchu
i dont like to get political on here but never having had sex doesn't make you a "virgin." getting married in your twenties makes you a virgin
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I've got a tiny subset of friends/previous friends/acquaintances who are looking at NFTs with the inevitable curiosity they display for everything, but the Venn diagram of that group to "would lose weekends huffing nitrous/think microdosing's a neat productivity hack" is a circle
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@Tripolar_B A classic
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cinnabon enjoyer (ali) @xanabon
you want me to go to a meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?
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Sam Van Hallgren @samvanhallgren
Kudos to the @LandsEnd designer who got this past corporate.
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At coffee shop this morning:
Girl behind counter: (not joking) “has anyone told you that you look like Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes, so much that I sometimes write about it.
Her: haha, here’s your coffee
Other girl by exit: (leans toward me as I walk out): “you really do look like him”
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James Medlock @jdcmedlock
We should forgive all student debt so we can stop having this discourse
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Correction of the year.
h/t @sarafischer
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Andrew Unterberger @AUgetoffmygold
11. AXE disavows the Capitol attack
We'd rather be lonely than with that mob. AXE condemns yesterday's acts of violence and hate at the Capitol. We believe in the democratic process and the peaceful transition of power.
famous
Yeah I stole your ape pics. What are you gonna do, draw some police
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@dj_rozwell goblin at night, filled with fright. goblin in morning, its more of a warning
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Richard Karn @TheRichardKarn
I’ve thought long and hard about NFT’s and I’ve decided it’s not something I need to do
famous
Hag (powerfulhag.bsky.social) @PowerfulHag
Japanese writer about to type the funniest two words combined ever: "I'm going to name my character something foreign-sounding"
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Kevin M. Kruse @KevinMKruse
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Croix S. Almer @CroixAlmer
i made an algorithm look at 1,000 memes on Twitter and then produce its own, and this is what i got.
i am shaking and crying.
2022 is just beginning, i can't do this. this can't be how 2022 begins.
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Jeff Maurer @JeffMightBWrong
Damn...CAPTCHAs getting hard.
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Chandler Dean stands with SAG @chandlerjdean
Googling “can I take expired advil,” not liking the results I saw, then adding “be real”
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you gonna wield whatever i pull out of this stone @mind_probiotic
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god's own truth, that the sea's very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
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once and future wife geist @wife_geist
when someone visibly coughs blood into a handkerchief in a period piece that’s conspicuous consumption
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I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes. Nothing!!
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Threatening Music Notation @ThreatNotation
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gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi
My girlfriend asked my Alexa to play The Joe Rogan Experience as a joke and that little snitch said "resuming The Joe Rogan Experience"
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Joyce Carol Oates @JoyceCarolOates
when I was first married to my (Jewish) husband two Jewish women friends of mine took me aside & said with wry smiles: "Welcome to the club." soon, I knew what they meant.
famous
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
weird
Evan Kindley @evankindley
I can’t stop singing this question to the tune of “What Shall We Do with the Drunken Sailor?”
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Victoria Bekiempis @vicbekiempis
the best part from the #bitcoin laundering presentment is that morgan and lichtenstein allegedly had a bag of cell phones under their bed labeled "burner phones" and 1 of them had a text file named "passport_ideas"
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Matt Patches @misterpatches
"An Extremely Online elder millennial mysteriously receives their Substack newsletters a day early — but can they use the knowledge to save those fated to be Twitter's main character?"
@Variety Variety
•
‘Early Edition’ Reboot Gets Pilot Order at CBS
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My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
weird
knockover.city on bsky @knockovercity
P.O.D.? Nah I don't listen to
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dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
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one cool thing about spotify is you can still listen to your favorite problematic artists and they won’t make any money
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Suresh Singaratnam @sureshtrumpet
Same energy #SOTU2022
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ange postercoglou @CeBeGeBess
you gotta respect the art form
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Peter Liakhov @peterliakhov
A snapshot of the Russian economy: an investment expert goes live on air and says his current career trajectory is to work as "Santa Claus" and then drinks to the death of the stock market. With subtitles.
hysterical
interviewer, looking at resume: i see no gaps here, you must be burned out as fuck
job candidate: yes
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I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle
famous
I don’t understand why people would want to get rid of pigeons. They don’t bother no one.
famous
The Broletariat @Scholf_A_Loaf
“Spotify’s down? What am I supposed to listen to now?“
Women, my brother.
weird
electricity went out and i had a small meltdown at work today
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abdullah says CEASEFIRE NOW @AShihipar
screaming at this painting of the March family of little women enjoying dunkin in the concord dunkin
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Abigail Edwards @Writing_Abigail
My husband ordered bees.
20,000 bees.
The postal service has lost his order.
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tracy clayton jr the 3rd @brokeymcpoverty
three 6 mafia went to the oscars slapped not a SINGLE person
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Be careful out there everyone. I had 2 Morbius tickets in my car and someone broke in and left 4 more.
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Lauren Kaori Gurley @LaurenKGurley
I just spoke to Chris Smalls, president of Amazon Labor Union, outside NLRB in Brooklyn about the fact that the union is leading Amazon 738-600.
He said of Amazon’s lawyers in the vote count room “I love watching them squirm. They’re drinking mad water.”
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Walter Hickey @WaltHickey
I want you meet my hero, the person who complained to the FCC about ABC yanking the closed caption feed during the Will Smith-Chris Rock altercation meaning they were not able to understand what the hell happened.
hysterical
Absolutely insane choice for a name
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That is a really specific category but I suppose someone had to win it.
@THR The Hollywood Reporter
•
Louis C.K. Wins Grammy for First Special Since Sexual Misconduct Allegations
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Apex Redditor @ebenbenson
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
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Kevin Durant told he hasn't lost to the Knicks since 2013. He pumps his fists:
"I got something to talk about on twitter now."
famous
thanks all. together weve raised over $63 for raytheon to develop a brand new ITAS that can shoot down enemy prayers before they reach God .
weird
Marie Bardi-Salinas @mariebardi
Al’s headphones continue to be iconic, but I need a full investigation on whatever the fuck is supposed to be on his iPhone case
@mariebardi hope this helps :)
famous
BBC Politics @BBCPolitics
Lord Pickles apologises for getting the number of people who died in the Grenfell Tower fire wrong while giving evidence
famous
Cullen Crawford @HelloCullen
cops keep pulling me over and begging me to have sex with their partners
weird
@JoelPinheiro85 Joel Pinheiro
•
@images_ai Nice!
Could you do “that face you always see in dreams”?
weird
Everything.
famous
What’s next? (It’s always something!)
bad
Too much body positivity on my feed. Humans are disgusting. Skin is gross. We have so many holes. There’s a skeleton inside. Uncomfortable just seeing one of us in public.
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Chuck Grassley @ChuckGrassley
Grassley to Beth: Sunday we hv our Easter family gathering are u ready to roll ?
Beth to GRASSLEY’ “ready 10/4” Beth is my old faithful vacuum cleaner
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The Caffeinated Therapist @bellabee13
“Bless me Father for I have sinned. I can’t stop thinking about the barenaked ladies.”
Priest: “And how long has it been since your last confession?”
“It’s been…”
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zach silberberg supports SAG-AFTRA @zachsilberberg
i know exactly how i want to die. i want to get hit by the carpool karaoke car so james corden will have to stop doing it
dunks
CN Tower / Tour CN @TourCNTower
Tonight the #CNTower will be lit blue for Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) Awareness Month / Ce soir la #TourCN sera illuminée en bleu pour le Mois de sensibilisation au syndrome du colon irritable
famous
I'm on bluesky now @InternetHippo
to my crying infant: please stop trauma dumping
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Silvia Killingsworth @silviakillings
I wonder what the fridge thinks of Joe Kahn
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therapist: whats your attachment style?
me: I dunno...pdf?
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socialist sopranos memes @gabagoolmarx
It’s called emotional labor, T. It used to mean you had to smile at work or something but now a bunch a online weirdos say it means you don’t gotta be a good friend to someone no more.
hysterical
just had an interviewer ask me if it was “hard for us to be referred to as a nineties band” and i’m kicking myself for not saying life is hard and so am i
famous
bats playing the long game
@RollingStone Rolling Stone
•
Ozzy Osbourne has tested positive for Covid-19, but "he's OK," Sharon says.
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drew scott @DrewciferScott
i’m a bitch, i’m a lover, i’m a…
@WeirdMedieval weird medieval guys BOOK OUT NOVEMBER 2!!
•
cat churning butter, germany, ca. 12th century
weird
my boss denied me a raise before my shift today. what’s some music you have never wanted to hear in a coffee shop?
hysterical
it is time to make roe v. wade permanent by putting it on the blockchain
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imagine your roommate eats the plums you were saving for breakfast and then writes a bitchy little poem talking about how good they were. and then it becomes one of the most famous poems of all time
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Me: oh, the coco pops monkey *definitely* has he/they energy
My mum: your cousin just bought a house
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George Greenwood @GeorgeGreenwood
My dad has just described my parents new car as being “too woke” because it warns you of upcoming obstacles…
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A FaceApp morph of all Supreme Court justices since 1980
weird
jxf@mastodon.social @jxxf
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
hysterical
frog "Philip K. Dickgirl" kosaric @yurirando
the other day i did a bunch of whippets and was struck by the fact i didn't know anything about which important romans, or indeed any historical figures, were fat. this is what i said to my friend about it
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Alyssa Limperis @alyssalimp
I get so proud when the roomba runs out of charge and makes it’s way back to the charging station like yes girl self care!!
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gryphoneer.bsky.social @OneRadChee
why did the crypto crash happen?
bitcoin turned 13, and libertarians lost interest
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坪倉輝明@メディアアーティスト @kohack_v
俺が牛乳を注ぐ女だ。
#Blender #Unity
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You want me to get a husband???The thing that killed everyone on Dateline???
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make up a guy @makeupaguy
guy who pronounces LGBT as "el jibbity"
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ask not what your country can do for you. they literally won’t do it
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Arby’s Provocateur @SamGrittner
When I retweet myself
weird
Pride month taught me it was ok to be a corporation
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it’s a hard pill to swallow but i think we need to accept that our lives just won’t be same again. the risk will never be zero. we will always be on the verge of another morbius release
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Rachel Sanders @rachelysanders
i love how in the winter my personal goals are like “change careers” and “find meaning in life” and then in summer literally just “look hot” and “go swimming”
hysterical
Too many of you were told as kids you'd make a great lawyer without realizing that adult was calling you a dick.
hysterical
the ai art thing is fake. i’m the guy who has to draw all the requests like the chess player inside the mechanical turk. you’re torturing me. i spend every waking hour drawing shit like “joe biden asuka wedding” and “donkey kong nuremberg trials” please stop. i need to sleep
weird
shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird
girlfriend: now don't start weird conversations with my dad tonight
me: fine
[later]
me: [immediately] ah rugs, the coward's carpet
hysterical
oh we’re in a “bear market”?? well I think we’re in a platypus store. that’s what you sound like. that’s you.
hysterical
you might want to think about intercepting some profits sometime soon… pic.twitter.com/N68BXLZe8u
@DraftKings DraftKings
•
Intercepted
famous
@alexanderchee oh no! Not totally the same, but my mom read my diary and stole a couple of lines I wrote about losing my virginity and put it in her e-sig on her Sims erotica website. It was there for YEARS before I found it.
weird
Alana Herrnson @aperiplatypus
I really don’t know what to say about my hotel room view
hysterical
Hi I’m Solomon @solomonmissouri
Lucifer was the Angel of light… could be his… we should make abortions widely available just to be sure
@BLovaney TheyAreEliminatingU
•
@_TopOfTheLine__ @Fogle4MO @solomonmissouri Did you know a light emits from the joining of the sperm and egg? If that isn't the light of God, I don't know what is
hysterical
sending friends tweets I think they might like is the same thing as those crows that leave little gifts of bottle caps and string
hysterical
Literaleigh is a beautiful name for a girl ❤️
hysterical
and on top of everything else gru is about to rise
hysterical
This is legitimately one of the funniest things I've ever seen (via @connorwitt)
hysterical
amelia elizalde @ameliaelizalde
[nancy pelosi email voice] GRU is RISING. can I count on you for $15?
hysterical
jordan peterson got suspended on here for misgendering someone then he posted a fifteen minute video crying about how pride is a sin and that he’s banned from twitter and that he’d rather die than correct it. so basically to me he's like socrates,
famous
i didn't "watch" the rise of gru i sat my white ass down and LISTENED
weird
July 4th shouldn’t be celebrated as a pro-American holiday. It should be celebrated as it was intended. As an anti-British holiday
hysterical
stoned cold fox @roastmalone_
due to the increase in gas prices a man hanging from the passenger side of his best friend’s ride is no longer a scrub, he is a man making smart financial decisions and I’m intrigued
hysterical
Brad Wetherell @BradWetherell
Doing teletherapy from your childhood home is kind of like “reporting to you live from the scene of the accident”
hysterical
"You have a Master's degree", I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
hysterical
the prince with a thousand enemies ♂️ @jaketropolis
Yes, Your Holiness. The Anglican and the Shintoist have been dealt with. No, Your Holiness, the public still believes me to be senile.
weird
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
hysterical
shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird
wikipedia: please. please just give me one dollar i'm begging you give me anything
me: [trying to look up the hamburglar's full name] shut the fuck up
hysterical
What the fuck am I looking at
hysterical
Hey! Stay in your lane!
@Alanis Alanis Morissette
•
and I’m here, to remind you of the grass you left when you went away…
famous
jillkrajewski.bsky.social @JillKrajewski
it's here–the deepest, sharpest infrared view of the universe to date
hysterical
Blame it all on my roots… I showed up in croots
hysterical
oh, everyone let elon just be sick and just get sicker and sicker and sicker and now you're upset about this?
btw bipolar people often cheat with friends, their wives, their colleagues when manic, it is called hypersexuality and it is extremely well understood and documented
bad
zach silberberg supports SAG-AFTRA @zachsilberberg
no way. no fucking way
weird
i am not having a baja blast i am actually kind of having a baja hard time
hysterical
Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz
Some of todays husbands would rather listen to Kid A than take care of A Kid
hysterical
my name is lewis @twentylifetimes
the chicago style hot dog implies the existence of the mla style hot dog
hysterical
Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau
got fired from my job as the guy that draws the chalk outline at crime scenes for, quote, “adding too much detail to the dick area”
hysterical
zou bisou bisou where are you @lilgrapefruits
My favorite dessert is peach cobbler because it sounds like a job a victorian orphan would have if he was gay
hysterical
surfs up! *lies face down in a kiddy pool until death*
weird
oh god oh fuck he escaped
hysterical
lil pom poko jerk @rajandelman
If you see a baby grand
Vanessa Carlton's at hand;
If you spy a guitar,
Michelle Branch is the star
hysterical
“If you have a truck with balls hanging from it, and your truck wasn’t born with balls, and you put the balls on an elective process, you have a trans truck. Congratulations”
hysterical
lace (i’m 6’3) @heartbreaklace_
alvin the chipmunk wears the A on his shirt because he’s an adulterer
hysterical
steven monacelli @stevanzetti
Be on the lookout for Elon Musk's missing child
dunks
NEW JAMES BOND MOVIE: James if you can't overcome your generational trauma you'll never discover what it means to truly sacrifice
OLD JAMES BOND MOVIE: My name is Rebecca Ass
hysterical
your favorite ashley @rabcyr_alt
rabioli
@AeroDork AeroDork
•
The USDA is dropping fishmeal-coated oral rabies vaccines across the wilderness of the eastern US with hopes of lowering disease rates among raccoons, foxes, coyotes, and skunks (among others). pic.twitter.com/jdbXvLacSs
hysterical
anytime you feel the urge to look at ur phone while driving, pick up a book instead.
hysterical
tiktok zoomers love the "corn kid" song which is the most doggo bacon early 2010s internet humor imaginable. sorry children you've become your worst fear, your moment in the sun is almost over.
hysterical
democracy
famous
if you were the guy who saluted the nicole kidman amc ad at the May 28 screening of top gun at the universal citywalk amc in los angeles, please please please dm me i am begging you
weird
Asher Perlman @asherperlman
Obama killing all of his houseplants is the most I’ve ever related to a president
hysterical
how i see his red flags :
weird
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
weird
Angelo Guisado @VoltaireLaFlare
harvard kennedy students be like damn i got a war crime due at 9
dunks
JemarTisby.Substack.com. @JemarTisby
Someone who is not Christian described their general experience with white evangelicals as "people who don't have any questions." I immediately knew what they meant, and I'm going to thinking about that statement a long time.
earnest
actually now because of climate change there are NOT more fish in the sea
hysterical
the mat who jonesed the world @pillowfort
trans exclusionary and pro monarchy call that serf and terf
hysterical
hey does anyone know whose chris steakhouse this is
weird
Bad news folks! i waited in line for 16 hours to see the queen. But by the time i got there she was fuckin DEAD!!!!!!
weird
monster steve albini @electricalWSOP
Yeah misspelled haha funny but if I ever start tweeting inspirational quotes of myself, I insist that one of my friends do me in with a shovel.
bad
soul nate @MNateShyamalan
mary shelley: we’re going on a trip?
percy shelley: not you. you always invent frankenstein, oscar wilde gets really scared
mary shelley: please i promise i wont invent frankenstein again
[after 1 beer]
mary shelley: you idiots wanna hear a ghost story about a little freak
hysterical
1984’s George Whorewell @EwdatsGROSS
My 2 coping mechanisms
hysterical
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ODYSSEUS: ok it’s actually a really long story
hysterical
depths of wikipedia @depthsofwiki
love how the "kayak" wikipedia article has a section that's just roasting this child
hysterical
dylan gelula @DylanGelula
does anyone have a good rec for a trauma therapist in NYC area? i found out someone i work with cheated on his wife
hysterical
Lead singers when the drummer is getting more attention after the show
famous
My dad wants me to marry an Italian woman but he won’t say it explicitly. I’ll be like “dad I met a girl” and he’ll be like “Is she…loud?”
hysterical
Joyce Carol Oates @JoyceCarolOates
percent of persons who urge others, on Twitter, to "do better" who are actually "doing better" themselves: 0%.
percent of these persons who are actually "doing worse": 78%--82%.
famous
zou bisou bisou where are you @lilgrapefruits
Infinite Jest
hysterical
the Thin Instagram Line represents our hard working social media managers who put their lives on the line every day serving up relatable brand content to target audiences, ignoring upset boomers, and saying "it's been literal years since i was an intern"
hysterical
Aamna Qureshi @aamnaqureshi_
my editor, gently: what did you mean by this ?
me, sobbing: I don’t know
hysterical
the fact that we can even have a lesbian emu farmer influencer who is also a god fearing conservative racist shows the failure of identity based representation politics
@jestom I find it funny that there was 2 emu farmer influencers and I wasn’t aware of the second racist one until now and am relieved it wasn’t “my” wholesome emu farmer influencer
hysterical
Beetlejuice is a horror movie about what If you knew a guy who wouldn’t stop doing bits.
hysterical
"slut era" the UK whispers as it appoints yet another PM
hysterical
soul nate @MNateShyamalan
finally! a website that’s owned by someone who is bad
hysterical
Twitter laid me off today. If you know of any open positions for engineering managers or software engineers, let me know. I was the guy who made all the stock ticker symbols like $TWTR and $TSLA into links but then forgot to make the links do anything.
hysterical
Zoë Schiffer @ZoeSchiffer
The last message in Twitter’s main company Slack channel: who’s our new CEO?
hysterical
i did it, i was sickos for halloween.
weird
got my $8 ready
hysterical
@ .bsky.social @MrErikJackson
I’m gonna miss this place
hysterical
Elon Musk may be a libertarian but he’s begging for 8 dollars with the intensity of a lifelong democratic senator
dunks
Excellent crime happening in my new neighborhood
hysterical
Friend in Hamburg just sent me this like he'd just papped a celebrity.
hysterical
Verification worthless as of next week, so some are choosing to go out like heroes
dunks
Imagine posting “night water hits different” on Mastodon and getting two updoots and one retoot. Get real. You’re not going anywhere.
hysterical
jamie loftus @jamieloftusHELP
why does every public radio story start with five seconds of a reporter stepping on leaves or struggling to get on the zoom call
hysterical
Kendall Roy, Analyst 1 @RoyCoCEO
My value add: saying “thanks guys” at the end of a call after not speaking the entire meeting
hysterical
"oh i'd probably be in the cool house," thanks, great, get me a hedge fund full of slytherins
hysterical
i went to the intersection of desire and suffering and everyone knew you
hysterical
gimme yule
gimme fire
don me now with gay attire
weird
CEO in CDMX (9/100 Songs) @MasterTimBlais
DID YOU KNOW: during WWII one RAF commander ordered adorable freckles painted on all the aircraft so german gunners would feel bad about shooting them. The strategy was a massive success and the freckled plane remains a symbol of survivorship today
weird
no it's not
@NBCNews NBC News
•
“Gaslighting” is Merriam-Webster’s word of the year.
hysterical
this image is like if you typed “divorced” into an AI art generator
@elonmusk Elon Musk
•
My bedside table
famous
wyatt dunkin @WyattDuncan
every friend group has the
hysterical
it's always so immediately obvious when you meet someone who is a precum baby (not from a sperm cell that was in the main/primary load). probably about 7-8% of the gen population.
absent gazes, poor circulation, and always awful conversationalists. i do wish them the best though
weird
I’m sorry, I simply cannot be cynical about a technology that can accomplish this.
hysterical
It's true: in 2014, I taught Matt Taibbi keyboard shortcuts for copy and paste. If I had not done that, maybe all this could have been averted. I am deeply sorry.
hysterical
A memory: Racket staff gather at a conference table to discuss how our new political satire site will make fun of Buzzfeed. Can't agree why Buzzfeed is bad. Realize Taibbi has never seen a viral video. We play Honey Badger. "Wow," he says, "people just put this on the internet?"
hysterical
soul nate @MNateShyamalan
me: you don’t like any of my gifts
her: no! the five golden rings were nice. it’s just-
me: too many birds?
her: really bird heavy this year
hysterical
me and logan paul bought a bunch of cheeseburgers from mcdonalds and were going to feed the homeless for a vlog, but the camera's battery died:// now we don't know what to do with the burgers
hysterical
i bless the rains down in castamere @Chinchillazllla
Chappelle introduced him as the richest man in the world and the crowd booed him so hard they altered reality
@CNBC CNBC
•
Elon Musk is no longer the richest person in the world
dunks
Donner Lake, CA is uhhhhhh not named after Santa's reindeer
hysterical
@carlwilhoyte on Bluesky @Voodoo_Pork
Merry Christmas, everyone
weird
Nassim Nicholas Taleb @nntaleb
@jordanbpeterson @lexfridman Peterson, you idiot, stay out of this.
dunks
me exploring the UK
hysterical
ur mom got out lol
@DallasZoo Dallas Zoo
•
The Zoo is closed today due to a serious situation.
hysterical
honey we’re having guests please bring out our finest teapot
hysterical
Jason O. Gilbert @gilbertjasono
BIDEN: And here's something my friends in the Republican Party won't admit. (whispering) Fleishman is in trouble. No, I'm serious
hysterical
don’t get me wrong i’m an alcoholic but why are u cracking open a soda at 8am
hysterical
marshall country mart @marshallvore
a group of Japanese men approached me today in Kyoto to nervously ask if I was ed Sheeran which was obviously a big blow to whatever progress I’ve made in therapy
hysterical
i am on the new site now thanks @ItsPhetz
I knew this show actually sucked ass
hysterical
gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi
“What would the Founding Fathers think” buddy I don’t care what my regular father thinks
hysterical
National Park Service @NatlParkService
To avoid crowds, visit areas that are less crowded.
famous
spotify needs an irony mode. please do not incorporate LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem into my algorithm, i am holding the phone up to my pregnant wife's stomach and telling her i'm turning our kid stupid.
hysterical
stoned cold fox @roastmalone_
never really understood why a bad bitch like miss piggy threw herself at that goofy green frog but there is something about a skinny musician that makes women lose their better judgement
hysterical
it’s not much but it’s honest work
@nothotchris cristofano
•
happy international women’s day
hysterical
Joyce Carol Oates @JoyceCarolOates
Implausibility of skeletons is that they are only whole & upright in medical school displays. Otherwise just loosened bones .
@oldfriend99 josh (oldfriend99)
•
@JoyceCarolOates Skeletons too
famous
Jae Bearhat @fussybabybitch
Found out Microsoft Teams has its own in-app stickers that you can edit and customize to your workplace needs but also more importantly that this is a default completely unedited one
hysterical
Franklin @franklinisbored
Gm. Due to an unfortunate IRL issue, I have had to sell off a lot of BAYC apes to pay off BendDAO loans while the liquidity was available. I won't get involved in NFT trading/twitter for a while, and will just focus on my private life for the time being with my remaining apes.
bad
pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” @pixelatedboat
Musk’s unmanned rocket may have exploded but it’s an important first step towards his ultimate goal of exploding a manned rocket
hysterical 
Ms. Hannah :) @Hannah_bmbmbm
hysterical
Carl Kinsella @TVsCarlKinsella
FRANZ FERDINAND: do they remember me
ME: *encouragingly* sort of. There’s a band named after you.
FRANZ FERDINAND: are they good
ME: *encouragingly* sort of
hysterical
zach silberberg supports SAG-AFTRA @zachsilberberg
yooo how was the date last night? cant help but notice that your leitmotif has incorporated a playful glockenspiel this morning
weird
Hello sir, I-*briefcase full of jellybeans falls open*
hysterical
Pine Marten @Nick_Cerveza
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
weird
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
hysterical
jeeyonardo dicaprio 심지연 @jeeyonshim
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
hysterical
Stephen A Smith @stephenasmith
I do not consider Batman a superhero. He is just a man in a suit. Aquaman...different situation.
Still, I do not understand the desire to explore the deep sea for fun. We are not supposed to be down there.
famous
Emma Baccellieri @emmabaccellieri
RIP Emily Dickinson, you would have really loved Mountain Dew Summer Freeze
hysterical
FBI Washington Field @FBIWFO
Justice is better than revenge. You may not be Superman, but you can help the #FBI protect the country. If you have information about a federal crime, speak now. Call 1-800-225-5324 or visit tips.fbi.gov to submit a tip.
bad
Mollie Goodfellow @hansmollman
when the waiter asks if u want to see the dessert menu:
@BBCNews BBC News (UK)
•
Pig tempted out of ditch with Turkish delight
hysterical
KOKO: Koko birkin bag. Practical Koko possession bag
RESEARCHER: No, Koko. You can’t have a Birkin bag.
KOKO: Good Birkin good Koko give beautiful Koko deserve gorilla
RESEARCHER: Koko, we simply can’t afford a Birkin bag. It is an unjustifiable expense.
KOKO: jealousy professor
weird
Jim Amendments III @jimamendments
hysterical
Dan Sheehan @ItsDanSheehan
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
hysterical
I stop sucking a dick after 3 min & I'm like "и get the idea"
weird
Joyce Carol Oates @JoyceCarolOates
we bow our heads in homage to this, which is truly nonpareil. only Hemingway's (alleged) short-short story ("For sale: baby shoes, never worn") comes close.
@christaylor_nyc Chris Taylor
•
Since we’re talking about David Brooks’ meal choices again, let’s remember this classic
famous
Put me in a human centipede situation and I’ll be cracking jokes, keeping morale up and staying focused on my goals
hysterical
hysterical
another day volunteering at the betsy ross museum. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the flag. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it
hysterical
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (000000)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
hysterical
REPORTER: Mr. President, what's your favorite Wu Tang album?
V
OBAMA: What kind of question is --
[biden grabs podium]
BIDEN: LIQUID SWORDS
hysterical
I was looking at tweets & saw that i really hurt someones feelings ! Im sorry.
It was light blue background with white egg shape . Bye
famous
I'm watching the History channel in the club and I'm wondering how do these people kno what's goin on on the sun..ain't nobody ever been
famous
dr frankenstein: it's alive
dr frankenstein: speak
monster: am i the product of peer reviewed research
dr frankenstein: uh
monster: do you have the paperwork with the sources of all my body parts
dr frankenstein: well no
monster: good god this lab is pile of osha violations"
hysterical
I just sharted myself. That's when u fart and u shit yourself on accident!
famous
IF THE ZOO BANS ME FOR HOLLERING AT THE ANIMALS I WILL FACE GOD AND WALK BACKWARDS INTO HELL
weird
me: id like help with my taxes
accountant: ok what state will you be filing them in?
me: id say anxious
accountant: no i mean what state have you lived in this year
me: oh sorry, depressed
weird
PF Chang's waiter: "[Recites specials] Stephen A. Smith: (Acts surprised) "To me, that's preposterous. Crab Rangoon, things of that nature."
weird
"This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender," i holler as i overturn my uncle's barbeque grill and turn the 4th of July into the 4th of Shit
weird
Horse ebooks @Horse_ebooks
Everything happens so much
weird
StupidMillenial: buhh i’m tired after making Lattes at STARBUCKS
Wisebabyboomer: i’ve worked 376,235 consecutive hours atthe racism factory
hysterical
Alex Rogaski @AlexRogaski
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me: [applying perfect contours]
When are we gonna start learning about space?
hysterical
Whats going on with mycareer
famous
if youre dating a tenderqueer ur single to me. wif is oliver gonna do? hold space for me?
hysterical
who the fuck is scraeming "LOG OFF" at my house. show yourself, coward. i will never log off
hysterical
Childish Gabibbo @ichlugebullets
Ernest Hemmingway was once bet he couldn't write a story in six words. His response is legendary: "Please buy my dead baby's shoes".
hysterical
many people are ugly and should be jumping at the opportunity to wear masks
hysterical
KevinSmith @ThatKevinSmith
Ten years in and we bone like we're cheating on each other WITH each other. A decade-plus and her clit/brown/taint-area still pOwns my dick.
famous
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
The Coca Cola company is not happy with me--that's okay, I'll still keep drinking that garbage.
famous
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again--just watch. He can do much better!
famous
7 years ago i joined twitter dot com to keep up with one direction on x-factor and now i'm a communist
weird
Nate Silver 2.0 @fivethirtynate
Go to the ocean. Cup your hands and drink its salty foam. This is your sample size. What lurks within its abyssal depths?
bad
Scarlett johanneson I will drink ur bath water...#random
famous
The author, Séamas O'Reilly @shockproofbeats
I'd love to get in touch with Emilio Esteves. Does anyone have his emailio addressteves?
hysterical
About 5 years ago I worked in a restaurant and Ludaaris came he ordered spring rolls, and sent them back. When I apclogized he said don't apologize, spring rolls are unpredictable." I think about this at least once a week.
hysterical
Woke up; discovered 3-yr-old had had massive nosebleed, his clothes covered in blood; washed him; walked into the kitchen; found 5-yr-old stirring his brother's bloody clothes in a pot filled with hot water. "I need his blood," he said. "I need his blood for my poisons."
bad
Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood
.@parisreview So is Paris any good or not
weird
Adam Cerious @Browtweaten
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you're not gonna believe this
hysterical
drewtoothpaste.bsky.social @drewtoothpaste
"Anime is real," Barack Obama said in his inauguration speech earlier. "Pokémon are real. Geodude is real, and strong, and he's my friend."
hysterical
bikini bottom is a perfectly functioning socialist society. squidward and spongebob are homeowners on minimum wage and sandy, an immigrant and woman scientist, has near limitless funding for her research
hysterical
i bet elliott smith would have had a funny twitter
hysterical
you're telling me a chicken fried this rice?
hysterical
Gravity Bong Joon Ho @humblebogman
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that's a carousel.
I must have it.
hysterical
Danny DeVito @DannyDeVito
Antonin Scalia retire bitch
famous
Leah McElrath @leahmcelrath
Ojeda and Avenatti as candidates are like the guy who thinks good sex is pumping away while you’re making a grocery list in your head wondering when he’ll be done.
O’Rourke is like the guy who is all sweet and nerdy but holds you down and makes you cum until your calves cramp.
bad
Fanfiction_txt @fanfiction_txt
Obama chuckled. "You mean the Chaos Emeralds?"
hysterical
[in ambulance]
"Can you describe the snake that bit you?"
Yes it was like an angry rope"
hysterical
US Strategic Command @US_Stratcom
;l;;gmlxzssaw
famous
im at knots berry farms n my butts 2 big 2 fit in da seats on ride. ahhhhhh (dats me yellin)
famous
K. Thor Jensen @kthorjensen
I'm sorry Mrs. Jackson / chemtrails are real / they're putting toxins way up in the sky / info wars dot com will tell you why
hysterical
failings spectre @jon_snow_420
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety
hysterical
Britney Spears @britneyspears
Does anyone think global warming is a good thing? I love Lady Gaga. I think she's a really interesting artist.
famous
Daniel Kibblesmith @kibblesmith
CrossFit is just Fight Club if the first two rules were the opposite.
hysterical
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
weird
birdsrightsactivist @ProBirdRights
I am feel uncomfortable when we are not about me?
weird
capitalism liker @HumanPog
lol i just remembered the time this kid at the arcade whispered "please not in front of my dad" before i fatalitied him
weird
boys literally have 0 excuse for not having communication skills bc I've seen y'all play group video games and you describe where ur at like it's life or death
hysterical
the garbage shit boy @davedittell
the boss hands me a gun,
"you know what to do."
I nod.
outside, I frantically google:
boss gun why
how to kill
is killing ok
regift gun ok
hysterical
I don’t care for math. if a number wants to get different that’s none of my business
hysterical
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
hysterical
Frank Cifaldi (Complete).torrent @frankcifaldi
Morning affirmations. Recite these instructions out loud upon waking up to maintain toughness and mental clarity.
hysterical
If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
hysterical
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
I continue to be taunted by my grandfather's killer
weird
to fuck around is human; to find out is divine
weird
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
hysterical
*Thanksgiving dinner 2080*
Me (has dementia): this turkey has big dick energy
My great-grandson: bro what the fuck
hysterical
mike ginn @shutupmikeginn
My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
hysterical
mean blanca @christinefriar
passed a dog wearing a vest that said "careful! i'm still learning how to be around people" and experienced a borderline-spiritual "same"
hysterical
Cohen is a Ghost @skullmandible
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
weird
Good luck with bookin that stage u speak of
famous
Carmelo Anthony @carmeloanthony
@__Kingsleyy5 I didn't ask for your glazed donut face ass to root for me anyway!!!!
famous
Frank Ocean and hotdog water are the same name if you really think about it
hysterical
hot girl summer is over, make way for crab boy winter. scuttle about sideways. wave that one terrible big claw around. disgusting
hysterical
Technology Desk @TechnicalTaIk
This is a fridge where you put your groceries in a gel that keeps them cool
hysterical
i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die
weird
chelsea anét @chelseaanet
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn't even care if I killed someone in front of him.
hysterical
Beth McColl @imbethmccoll
haha how about we make a pact if we're both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
hysterical
chelsea anét @chelseaanet
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom.
hysterical
Martha Stewart @MarthaStewart
L
famous
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
hysterical
David Hughes @david8hughes
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
hysterical
the wise man bowed his head solemnly and spoke: "theres actually zero difference between good & bad things. you imbecile. you fucking moron"
hysterical
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who worked at a job in Nantucket
At night he went home
& slept in his home
I clarify, this was Nantucket
weird
MELANIA TRUMP @MELANIATRUMP
. @realDonaldTrump "Honey~see you soon!"
famous
Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood
Just discovered this stunning short story in my drafts
weird
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
my roommate bansky is at it again. he made coffee and said he put something inside that would "REALLY wake me up"
hysterical
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
hysterical
"Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?"
"No Storm, we broke up. You could say she's my..."
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
hysterical
tell me howd you end up back here in ybor city @Hegelbon
STEPHEN A: Skip I want to ADDRESS this issue.
[BAYLESS nods]
You KNOW I am sensitive to the Holocaust
BAYLESS: Absolutely
STEPHEN A: BUT!
hysterical
i wish you @wouldstepback
from that ledge my friend
weird
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
hysterical
@KaylanaReese I'm gonna go outside and light myself on fire. What are we doing to our beautiful queens
famous
The Ultimate Orgasm: You have to believe you're absolutely about to die..
famous
*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO
weird
Tombstone of two of the best breakdancers
hysterical
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
Every time I speak of the haters and losers I do so with great love and affection. They cannot help the fact that they were born fucked up!
famous
We're a modest company with modest goals:
1: sell a quality product at a fair price
2: drain the world's oceans so we can find and kill god
hysterical
maura quint @behindyourback
For Halloween I'm dressing up as my potential and getting wasted.
hysterical
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they'll show the dashboard panels, as though you'll be like ah. ah i see the issue
hysterical
Ollie Garch (Not Sanctioned) @ojedge
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse? Better... or worse?
hysterical
Sean Leahy @thepunningman
"The bond's Name. James Name"
Pleased to... what?
"Bond Name's the james"
Are you alright?
"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"
weird
Pundamentalism @Pundamentalism
me: parents out?
bae: no
me: can i come over?
bae: no
me: why?
bae: sir, this is british aerospace engineering. we don't 'have people over'.
weird
MEN REPLYING TO WOMEN ONLINE
hysterical
(in perfect astronnaut voice) bleep bloop even I cant figure out how to use damn itunes and im from Nasa
weird
Sean Leahy @thepunningman
[on deathbed]
"Tell my Wif... *cough*"
Yes? Tell her what?
"Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best"
[dies]
hysterical
capitalism liker @HumanPog
.@walmart i dropped my wedding band in your bargain dvd bin and the manager carla said tough shit
hysterical
Guy dropped his glove on the floor here at MoMA and everyone is nervously stepping around it, unsure if it's art.
hysterical
Los Angeles Chargers @chargers
soo hungry need to find my wife and head to pf changs
famous
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?
hysterical
[picks up crying baby]
it's ok buddy, when you grow up you'll learn how to do this on the inside
hysterical
maura quint @behindyourback
While I appreciate that you're bringing sexy back, if we're not also discussing who took sexy away, we're only enabling future sexy problems
hysterical
truth expert @AbrasiveGhost
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don't u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
hysterical
Stanford Graduate School of Business @StanfordGSB
bad
Hi, I'm Abby. Yep. @abbycohenwl
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You're free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
hysterical
Jade Van Kley @BacklineNurse
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
hysterical
Helen Kennedy @HelenKennedy
Best reason to go off the record.
hysterical
Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin
Growing up everyone said I couldn't be a cowboy when I got older but here I am sleeping outside with a gun
hysterical
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped
"stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name"
oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her
hysterical
Tam Yajia @DancesWithTamis
Radiohead's album ok computer explores the controversial idea that it's ok to be on the computer
hysterical
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
hysterical
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
hysterical
NOT A METH LAB @jenlaw_11
One day son, all this will be yours
*gestures towards massive student loan debt and a shitty car*
hysterical
the garbage shit boy @davedittell
I vaccinated your baby while you were at hot yoga
hysterical
Jackman...Forever @TheAlexP
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it's late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
hysterical
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
hysterical
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
hysterical
Many Eyes @manyeyes_music
never in a million years would I ask a tambourine man to play a song for me
hysterical
hi i'm ted cruz, definitely not three toddlers stacked no sir
hysterical
I'm on bluesky now @InternetHippo
Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no
hysterical
SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing—
DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates
weird
i enjoying mysekf by the lake, but then i remembered instances of regret in my life, and pain i have caused others
hysterical
pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” @pixelatedboat
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
hysterical
boss: you're fired
mime: why
boss:
mime: oh right
hysterical
Tam Yajia @DancesWithTamis
The balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet except it's my parents yelling at each other because my dad's been taking a shit for over an hour
hysterical
[spelling bee]
Your word is "pneumonia".
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
hysterical
how many babies did you send to space, bush. you fucker. how many babies are still up there
weird
Alpha Male (real) @SortaBad
Last month my mom asked what "af" meant and I said it meant "like REALLY something" without saying what it stood for
hysterical
Alpha Male (real) @SortaBad
Sir that parking space is reserved for those with disability
"Um bro how about DIS ABILITY to find really awesome parking spaces"
hysterical
Anthony Quintano @AnthonyQuintano
Stop treating the Hamburglar like a piece of meat
weird
mike ginn @shutupmikeginn
How I significantly improved my Netflix
hysterical
Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
hysterical
mothers day is a ploy by the mom industry so you buy more moms. i have dozens of moms i don't need. 5 lindas, a couple alices, a stupid pam
hysterical
I like my coffee like I like my men *pours coffee down drain, turns on garbage disposal, makes tea*
hysterical
Leah Tiscione @LeahTiscione
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
hysterical
I will be your Father. I will take you as my Son and teach you the ways of online. We will hold hands as our follower count reaches infinity
weird
Jesus was the first person to make a big deal about his deactivation and then come back three days later
hysterical
Danielle Grace @danimgrace
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
hysterical
Whats a dentists favorite time of day? The time of day he get into his BMW to go home from the dentists office after touching mouths all day
hysterical
inflicted with the blessing of Gundam @Lesbian_Makima
i'm sorry
weird
If I type a K into the search bar, it autofills "Kevin Smith Huge Jorts" because of how often I revisit this image:
hysterical
when you just want to get home with no bullshit but you know a fuckin magical riddle is about to be sprung on you
hysterical
Veronica de Souza @HeyVeronica
this has haunted me for days
weird
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
I would like to wish everyone, including all haters and losers (of which, sadly, there are many) a truly happy and enjoyable Memorial Day!
famous
Stephen A Smith @stephenasmith
TAke a look, y'all: IMG_4346.jpeg
famous
courtesy fave on death threat @boring_as_heck
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
hysterical
Matt Oswalt @MattOswaltVA
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
hysterical
Joyce Carol Oates @JoyceCarolOates
So barbaric that this should still be allowed... No conservation laws in effect wherever this is?
@TillyTweets Chris Tilly
•
This guy thinks it's cool to kill defenceless animals then take a selfie. Jerk.
famous
goddess of mischief. ✨ @mminthecity
2015 in one photo.
hysterical
Foreskins fucking rule. Shut up, America.
famous
3rd Eye blind singer: "I f-ing hate libertarians. A white dude standing on a bridge made with other people's $$$ going, Don't Tread on Me."
hysterical
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace
I'll straight up wear cargo shorts to ride a bike and biker shorts to load cargo I don't give a shit anymore
hysterical
wife: "you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings"
me: [covering penguin's ears] "he can hear you linda"
hysterical
Waitress: Excuse me, there's no smoking in here.
Me: I'm not smoking, I'm vaping.
Waitress: What's the difference?
[fixing my fedora] Well-
hysterical
Randi Lawson @RandiLawson
Please stop calling us your "squad" Linda this is book club
hysterical
Dylan C. Lathrop @DylanLathrop
senior leadership looking all the same smh
@niederme John Niedermeyer
•
Bananas.
hysterical
buzzfeed: 2 shoes you've GOT to buy
vox: why these shoes are for sale and what it means
gawker: this baby sucks and we're glad it's dead
hysterical
One of Jesus' most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
hysterical
How many times has eating crow helped to prevent a murder?
weird
Me: Siri, why am I alone?
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
hysterical
@311Toronto It’s now after 3 pm and I guess Animal Services hasn’t been by, because someone’s having some fun now:
hysterical
Brendan O'Hare @brendohare
This picture gave me hope...for the future...if they, the two great enemies, can get along and laugh...why cant we?
hysterical
Karen Kilgariff @KarenKilgariff
When the other person cancels first
hysterical
The Boston Globe @BostonGlobe
Ed Reinhold, FBI, says FBI has investifarted about 70 leads already. Live Video:
famous
Alpha Male (real) @SortaBad
Taylor Swift and Katy Perry have both slept with John Mayer so maybe the "bad blood" they share refers to hepatitis
hysterical
So much of being an adult is bringing a bottle of wine someone brought to your house to someone else's house
hysterical
GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
hysterical
She just having a little sex bro, she gonna text you back no worries
hysterical
WOMAN: I do not want to have sex with you
MAN: Women are so mysterious
hysterical
"when people say different color bell peppers taste different"
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
hysterical
audrey farnsworth @audipenny
[me, trying to impress someone I like]
*ignores them*
hysterical
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you're wearing a bikini is "Good for you!"
hysterical
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says "prom?" was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
hysterical
The best way to get over someone is to wait fifty years, then quietly die in your sleep.
hysterical
Pauly Casillas @PaulyCasillas
Okay we get it you vape
hysterical
(pitching the Michelin Man) hes this big white dipshit and people associate him with tires for some reason. he has no personality. no jokes
weird
mattie lubchansky @Lubchansky
OKAY THE NY TIMES HAS GONE TOO FAR
hysterical
LITERALLY SAME
hysterical
100% of the people who describe their life as a "journey" have DUIs.
hysterical
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody's mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
hysterical
NEW EP: "Quays Open Doors" @diss1
they're called "Medium posts" because they're neither rare nor well done
hysterical
Can I get sum DMs or sum @ replies...I Dont feel loved lol
famous
Gorilla at Large Will Return After These Messages @ZaaackKoootzer
FB comments on @motherboard's Anita Sarkeesian post has become two guys threatening to fight each other/comparing abs
hysterical
kermit's new girlfriend looks like she got a snapchat full of lip-syncing videos
hysterical
Saucy Kensington @Book_Krazy
WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those.
hysterical
idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school
hysterical
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
weird
Elizabeth Hackett @LizHackett
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
hysterical
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
weird
"Whoever denied it, supplied it" also works with climate change
hysterical
Dr. Bucky Isotope, man of the people @BuckyIsotope
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer
weird
Parenting is like being a juggler except all the balls are screaming.
hysterical
i wish you @wouIdstepback
from that hedge my friend
hysterical
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
weird
SANTA, I'M GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK!!!
weird
You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?
hysterical
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is "bananas"
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
hysterical
There's a guy in this coffee shop sitting at a table, not on his phone, not on a laptop, just drinking coffee, like a psychopath.
hysterical
Sam Hockley-Smith @shockleysmith
My apartment building has its own slack channel and I am pretty sure that's how Terminator 2 started
hysterical
"Grandpa what was it like before emojis?"
Well, we used words called adjectives
"That doesn't seem very "
No, it was not very at all
hysterical
Osama shouldve hooped instead of tryna kill ppl cause he tall as hell!
hysterical
[at airport]
Customs Official: Do you have anything to declare?
Southern Belle: No
hysterical
famous
Founder of #Peeple, an app designed to collect unsolicited feedback doesn't appear to like unsolicited feedback.
hysterical
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u
hysterical
Zachary Levine @zacharylevine
If the Brewers win tomorrow they'll finish with 69 wins. If they lose, they'll finish with a .420 winning percentage.
hysterical
Therapist: It's been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
hysterical
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
hysterical
Bryan Donaldson @TheNardvark
“Can I get 2 boxes of Sudafed?”
“Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time.”
“Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns.”
hysterical
can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on
hysterical
Jamilah Lemieux @JamilahLemieux
How are you losing a debate you aren't even in?
@GovMikeHuckabee Gov. Mike Huckabee
•
Racism exists because we have a sin problem in America, not a skin problem. #DemDebate
famous
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
hysterical
'I never thought leopards would eat MY face,' sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party.
hysterical
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
hysterical
Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash @mynameisntdave
Haven't been to the gym in a couple months but I still got that muscle definition that the ladies love!
hysterical
Irvine Welsh @IrvineWelsh
The second season of BoJack Horseman is as dark as fuck - everything Entourage should have been.
famous
"How do you find anything in here?!"
-my mugger, giving my purse back
hysterical
Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks
*me trying to fit in with guys working on cars*
"Ahh, the screwdriver. The thinking man's hammer."
hysterical
Sophia Benoit @1followernodad
sounds like a seal wrote this headline
hysterical
Justin Klugh @justin_klugh
JOE BUCK: Welcome to the top of the 47th
[Sun rises]
[Sun keeps getting bigger]
BUCK: yes
[World engulfed by flames]
BUCK: oh god yes
hysterical
Here's What It Would Look Like If Disney Princesses Were Tried For War Crimes In The Nuremberg Trials
weird
ah, So u persecute Jared Fogle just because he has different beliefs? Do Tell. (girls get mad at me) Sorry. Im sorry. Im trying to remove it
hysterical
these people with locked accounts...damn!!! you just know theyre hiding all the good posts in there
hysterical
if i had a dirtbike i wouldnt even be on this fuckass website
weird
MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BEES TO MY CAR
I SPILLED
ALL OVER MY CAR
BEES ARE
INSIDE OF MY CAR
THEY COULD KILL ME
I'M ALLERGIC TO BEES
weird
fellas..tell your girls you will n ot be providing any more sex until the entire female race apologizes for halo 5's dismal metacritic score
weird
we got Barnes and Noble tho I think we aight
@realDonaldTrump Donald J. Trump
•
We, as a country, either have borders or we don't. IF WE DON'T HAVE BORDERS, WE DON'T HAVE A COUNTRY!
dunks
We apologize for the original image here. Zayn Malik is mentioned in the story, but is obviously not part of ISIS.
famous
Rebecca Christopher @christrebecca
today in victorian christmas cards
hysterical
Here: I made this. You might need it, too.
hysterical
its fucked up how there are like 1000 christmas songs but only 1 song aboutr the boys being back in town
weird
conor hankinson @ConorTripler
*sits 27 hours for an oil on canvas portrait*
omg delete that. Bartholomew i'm serious do not fucking hang that in the Great Hall
hysterical
Me: Bob, it's pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin'.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
hysterical
the garbage shit boy @davedittell
if you fuck up a meal just call it Chicago style and serve it anyway
hysterical
drewtoothpaste.bsky.social @drewtoothpaste
That was my guess too, Google
hysterical
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
hysterical
actioncookbook @actioncookbook
USERS: you're alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
weird
Dr. Bucky Isotope, man of the people @BuckyIsotope
ME: Is he going to make it?
DOCTOR: No. I’m afraid he’s down with the sickness
ME: *crying* oohwahahahah
DOCTOR: *holds hand* oohwahahahah
weird
dubstep4dads @dubstep4dads
BOSS: sir your resume is just a hand drawn picture of a guy doing sick BMX tricks
ME: yeah. that's me
BOSS: [under his breath] holy shit
weird
Andrew Michaan @AndrewMichaan
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it and I deserve better.
hysterical
Jade Van Kley @BacklineNurse
INVENTING CANDLES: hey put this stick in this jar of fat and light it on fire lol
MOTHS: I don't know why but this sounds incredible
hysterical
Alpha Male (real) @SortaBad
Hey girl are you a metamorphic amphibole because you're gonna be
hysterical
nina treemonkey @ninatreemonkey
So much of my adult life has been spent pretending I wasn't going for a high five
hysterical
mtobey.bsky.social @mtobey
"Anybody here named Jeff?"
Jeff: "Yes"
Geoff: "Yeos"
hysterical
Martha Stewart @MarthaStewart
I cannot wait for beloved Twitter to allow more characters per tweet so I can say everything I want to about each photo or message
famous
They're Japanese innit
@Derekbreezy Breezy
•
@Stormzy1 what are the females like in Japan?
famous
ste(ph)en @stephenjmolloy
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: "This isn't deodorant."
hysterical
Hunter Biden #1 fan @itskaywayyyy
#FeelTheBern
hysterical
I'm on bluesky now @InternetHippo
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
hysterical
so we beat on, boys against the current, borne ceaselessly back into the town
hysterical
Cooper Fleishman @_Cooper
[Twitter stock skyrockets to a wave of cheers]
hysterical
I don't understand.Why do I have to put @ in front of things? I am not @John Cleese.I AM John Cleese.I don't live AT me,I'm already there...
famous
It's only Feb but we may already have the #designfail of the year. Year of the Monkey...?
hysterical
''Don't blame Jebby. I'm the one who told him-- whenever you ask people to clap, you should say please."
famous
Why dae folk ask babies stupid shite lit "Ur gettin big arent ye?" As if the wee cunts gony be like aye Moira yer spot on am oan the protein
hysterical
Cohen is a Ghost @skullmandible
me: what beautiful moon tonight
her: let's not waste it
neil degrasse tyson: actually it's the same moon as every night. no need to fuck
weird
#NetflixAndChill isn't a new concept & neither is #safesex. #BringAndUseCondoms go.usa.gov/cw8GF
famous
Good Kyle @KyleMcDowell86
[wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night
[Carrot Top in bed beside me] Good morning
[Me] Carrot Top my love, what happened
hysterical
Miss O'Kistic @missokistic
Neil deGrasse Tyson walks into a bar. Everyone leaves. "EVERYONE?" he chuckles to himself. "7.4 billion humans couldn't fit in this space."
hysterical
Brendan O'Hare @brendohare
The last person Dale Earnhardt met before he died was Frankie Muniz
famous
his palms are sweaty
knees weak
arms are heavy
there's
hysterical
my dog swallowed a wasp but he aint even salty
earnest
jennifer daniel @jenniferdaniel
The new @chipotle menu looks different
hysterical
Arby's meeting:
"So it's fish?"
"Legally? No"
hysterical
Brandon Hays ☮️ @tehviking@ruby.social @tehviking
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
weird
Garrett Miller @heyitsgarrett
Rare sighting of UPS trucks mating in the wild. Beautiful
hysterical
Gautam Trivedi @KaptanHindustan
RIP Bunny
hysterical
drewtoothpaste.bsky.social @drewtoothpaste
GOD: Let there be women
WOMEN: Cool
GOD: But no pockets
WOMEN: What?
GOD: Put your stuff in a bag lol
MEN: lol
GOD: lol
hysterical
Alex (Roast Beef fan account) @ThomasAwful
America's slow but very real decline into a fascist state as told by the Milwaukee Bucks logo
hysterical
I would read an article about why so many makeup sponges look like butt plugs
hysterical
LOVELY GIRL FOLLOWER: hey.. i noticed you posted 3 barbed remarks about game stop in a row.. is everything ok?
ME: NO, everything is NOT ok,
weird
Hey, authority:
famous
Leah Tiscione @LeahTiscione
Why is it called a car repair shop and not autocorrect
hysterical
Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman
ME: "Gimme an Amanda Palmer!"
BARTENDER: *serves me a 1/2 lemonade, 1/2 poem inspired by a recent news story*
hysterical
Aaron Patterson @tenderlove
I like to add � and ’ any time I submit online forms because I know that some developer is going to see it and wonder if they have a bug
hysterical
Steve vs. Ninjas @stevevsninjas
1.Rage Against The Machine
2.Hold A Grudge Against The Machine
3.Get Over The Machine
4.Sincerely Hope The Machine Finds Happiness
hysterical
Lindsey Graham @LindseyGrahamSC
If we nominate Trump, we will get destroyed.......and we will deserve it.
famous
When you take a selfie after a long day of trying to kill Bart.
hysterical
Melanie Bracewell @meladoodle
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to...
hysterical
Hari Kondabolu @harikondabolu
I love Steph Curry so much that I'd wear his jersey. This is a big deal! AN INDIAN DUDE IS WILLING TO PUBLICLY WEAR A JERSEY THAT SAYS CURRY
hysterical
bruh u gonna put that fire out
hysterical
Dalton Day @lilghosthands
when u think ur gonna get stuff done but then remember ur depressed
hysterical
poorly drawn lines @PDLComics
First guy to be cremated: "I dunno, just set me on fire I guess."
Ancient funeral home employee: "Metal. As. Fuck."
hysterical
Aparna Nancherla @aparnapkin
I hope the Blue Man Group realizes they would be just as pretty without all that makeup
hysterical
There's far too much Canadian fiction devoted to humans having sex with bears. That's my position & I can't be moved from it.
hysterical
PETER THIEL: [Reciting quotes about revenge from "The Count of Monte Cristo"]
HULK HOGAN: Can I wear the do-rag in court, brother?
hysterical
I'm taking the rest of the week off.
dunks
im the guy who gets really upset about people not putting their real names on here. im also mad at State Farm Insurance for not being a farm
weird
traitor joe @phoebe_bridgers
famous
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
weird
Fast & Furious 8 filming in Cleveland. Imagine if you weren't aware and suddenly saw this. (h/t Kasey Crabtree)
hysterical
A MERE Musing From A Troubled Husband, Strengthened Through Time: "Let the birds have their bird seed, and unto us boys, the Beer seed"
weird
[Matt McGorry, watching a gay porn film] Gee, this seems cool and all, but I don't see any women in this?
dunks
a bird shitted on me just a little
it was ok
i'm ok
hysterical
laurenoneal.bsky.social @laureneoneal
An old guy at pain clinic didn't know there were comments under YouTube videos, how can I switch lives with him?
hysterical
When I was in college I used to just email the President when things bugged me.
hysterical
casseuse professionnelle @ohfarrell
twitter: gentle reminder that you are stardust✨
me: i am in debt
weird
Hillary Clinton @HillaryClinton
Delete your account.
@realDonaldTrump Donald J. Trump
•
Obama just endorsed Crooked Hillary. He wants four more years of Obama—but nobody else does!
famous
pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” @pixelatedboat
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
hysterical
Game Maker's Toolkit @gamemakerstk
Take me down to the Parallax City where the far moves slow and the near moves quickly
hysterical
Shitty Future @Shitty_Future
bad
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
hysterical
Please don't riot Oakland. We have no police chief.
bad
Brandy Jensen @BrandyLJensen
When u r drunk and Landslide comes on
hysterical
All I'm saying is that if Trump were really a friend of the gays, one of us would have fixed his wig and makeup by now.
hysterical
Smallie Biggs @notwillystroker
5 minutes into toy story n chill and I already have a friend in me
hysterical
David Farrier @davidfarrier
i paid for in-flight wifi so i could tweet this immediately
hysterical
J Jennifer Espinoza @sadqueer4life
i want to DIE
D- do better in life
I- improve my mental health
E- emotionally connect w other humans
hysterical
THERAPIST: you've started calling objectively awful things "insanely good" to protect yourself from how awful the world is
ME: lol that owns
hysterical
melissa broder @melissabroder
*whispers during sex* do u think i'm a loser?
hysterical
Lucy Flawless @everythingsjake
Barack can u handle this?
Justin can u handle this?
Enrique can u handle this?
I don't think they can handle this!
hysterical
Katie Dippold @katiedippold
Tbt to Halloween when I dressed as the babadook but my friend's house had more of a grown ups drinking wine vibe
hysterical
Cord Jefferson @cordjefferson
Are you a real 90s kid?
1. You ate gushers!
2. You watched Doug!
3. You heard Marilyn Manson got his ribs removed to suck his own dick.
hysterical
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
hysterical
Beth McColl @imbethmccoll
saw this stocky horse on my walk . he started posing. at 1st jus a lil leg action then boom. Super model finish
earnest
It's been 5 years since @USATODAY published this perfection. Why isn't it at the @Newseum yet? #heatstroke
hysterical
i blocked my ex on everything but she some how managed to message me through direct tv
hysterical
I'm renaming my cats Thoughts and Prayers because they are also useless in dealing with gun violence.
hysterical
Okay I just had to get 'em side by side. L: GOP Capitol Hill interns. R: DNCC interns. #2016
hysterical
party hat wurmple @oatmiltank
hysterical
One day, Donald Trump is going to look a reporter straight in the eyes on national TV and say "I never ran for President."
hysterical
Nathan Rabin @nathanrabin
Last night at The Gathering, Warren G came out, did "Regulate", saw that the place was sufficiently regulated, then left. #seriously #GOTJ
weird
Oh my good lord.
hysterical
Palmer Luckey @PalmerLuckey
One of the most often misused quotes out there: "You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain."
famous
They Call It............"Fucking".........Teens Are Hiding Pieces Of Themselves Inside Each Other TO GET HIGH
hysterical
The best part of Kevin Hart's wedding pic is him standing 10 feet in the foreground to be as tall as his wife.
hysterical
Me:Do you think Yogi Bear killed someone for that hat and tie? I mean hes a bear he cant buy it
Boss:I meant questions about the project
hysterical
Water lowkey thicc
hysterical
New York Times Arts @nytimesarts
How would it feel to rearrange this actual deck chair from the Titanic? nyti.ms/2b2mKij
hysterical
Faithful Jamaican ✞ @5wiim
Hit it from the back know that shit wet af RT @vulgarswami Water lowkey thicc
hysterical
Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood
caught someone recharging herself on mother's hate crystal
weird
Man this deer must have been fucking rich.
hysterical
MORPHEUS: you can take the red pill or the blue pill or the jagged little pill
ME: i dont know what that one does
MORPHEUS: you oughta know
hysterical
Beth McColl @imbethmccoll
heading off to your dick appointment after the whole squad collaborated on the texts
weird
Brandy Jensen @BrandyLJensen
"RIP my Mentions" -me, gravely, as they lower the casket of my husband, Jonathan Mentions
hysterical
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
weird
pretty woman
walkin down the street
pretty woman
please send pics of feet
weird
Anna Fitzpatrick @bananafitz
Me: How can Kool-Aid Man smash through a brick wall fully intact when he's made of glass?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job
weird
The Notorious B.E.V. @blade_funner
[GOD INVENTING THE WEASEL]
You know what we need? An otter you can't fucking trust.
weird
pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” @pixelatedboat
Me, pitching to investors: This simple device takes your blood
Investor: And gives you a diagnosis?
Me: No
weird
koyaanisqatsi heckler @Arr
The reason cats are so pissy is they're God's perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
hysterical
So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said "I have a boyfriend" ok lettuce head
hysterical
James Herbert @outsidethenba
life is peachy
hysterical
Ben Swanson @CardboardGerald
wow cool
weird
Andy Kelly @ultrabrilliant
weird
Packing involves simple math: 3 day trip = 3 pairs of pannies plus two extra for when I crap myself on the flight there and back.
famous
Kentucky Fried Titties @xxjewelsndrugs
"What countries did white people ruin ?"
hysterical
Solidarity with Strikers ❤️ @Hanecdote
Spent about 15 hours stitching this feminist art meme
weird
#TwitterHubris: a play in four acts.
via @Anotherfilmnerd
bad
cursed images @cursedimages
cursed image 913
hysterical
AfricanBattleRoach @blasianBronson
Her: babe I want sushi
Me: bone app the teeth
weird
I call my vagina "New Yorker cartoon" because it's dry and a handful of people have laughed at it
hysterical
Casey Johnston @caseyjohnston
ppl like "what's with Hilary's pantsuit, she looks like a interplanetary leader from the future"
FUCKING
DUH
DRESS FOR THE JOB YOU WANT
bad
Beth McColl @imbethmccoll
my kindness is NOT weakness. my patience is NOT permission to be cruel. my shoes ARE glow in the dark but i only found out AFTER i got them
hysterical
is wiki leaks hacking twitter agian or are the people leaving numb skull comments on my page actual human beings
weird
Peter Silk ️ is in Maintenance Mode. @KestrelPi
To the tune of Eleanor Rigby:
Dog in a trenchcoat
Getting promoted at work but then sheds his disguise
Canine surprise
hysterical
Tbt to Halloween when I went to my friend's house for a grown ups drinking wine party but there was more of a babadook vibe.
hysterical
when you realize the statue of mona lisa looks like keith urban
weird
Calling all Lamas
Meet on spooky corner
Repeat
Meet on spooky corner
Over
hysterical
Thomas Gorton @AngstromHoot
Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him
hysterical
A story told in four pics
famous
horse powder @JuliusIrvington
wait did you say she was "thicc as hell boi" or "thicc as Hellboy"
weird
famous
sorry for clarty plodging @droobis
Phillip K Dick's wikipedia section headers sound exactly like how I imagine my 2017
hysterical
wow, a dark underside
bad
Spooky Thingy @wildethingy
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I'm alt-write.
hysterical
the turkey takes his mask off
it's edward snowden
obama groans, it's too late to unpardon him now
hysterical
Anita Singh @anitathetweeter
This horse did not sign up for a photo opportunity with Marine Le Pen, and he wants you to know it
hysterical
philip lewis @Phil_Lewis_
After this year, I never want to hear "We're looking for 5-7 years job experience" ever again.
@HuffPost HuffPost
•
hysterical
Arby’s Provocateur @SamGrittner
I'm disappointed in Sarah Palin more than any other human being. She saw what Russia was doing from her backyard and chose to say nothing.
hysterical
drewtoothpaste.bsky.social @drewtoothpaste
doctor: Have you had diarrhea
me: not more than usual
doctor: What is usual
me: It means the regular amount you have every day
weird
hysterical
Either these descriptions are being trimmed, or this is the greatest copywriter of ALL TIME
hysterical
Micah Berteau @MicahBerteau
.@ASOS_HeretoHelp got my jeans from y'all today. Is this a joke?? These are NOT 32/32 jeans. I placed 32/32s next to them for reference
hysterical
LeVar Burton @levarburton
Alan Thicke LOVED hockey! He also was a man with a huge heart. He was on the ice when his heart attacked him. RIP Alan...
famous
Hanif J. Williams @HanifJWilliams
Yes, your request is within the Sunnah.
But it should be worded differently.
hysterical
I'm on bluesky now @InternetHippo
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
hysterical
ellie sunakawa @elliesunakawa
"God bless us, every one!" —Tiny Timb
hysterical
a guy I gave my number to on tinder and never met irl just sent me this after months of not texting
hysterical
horse powder @JuliusIrvington
in Britain Arby's is called Arbies and their slogan is "we've the meats"
hysterical
SISTER: [opening xmas gift] this is just a copy of bloc party's 2005 album "silent alarm"
ME: have you heard it recently tho. it holds up
hysterical
Happy holidays from the #FBI
hysterical
*travels to 1946*
me: congrats on crushing those nazis!
him: thanks! what's 2016 like?
me: well
him: i bet it has like zero nazis
me: well
hysterical
BANK TELLER: to open an account I'll need a first name
ME: Robin
BT: and a last?
ME: Dabanc
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*
hysterical
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because "first impressions matter"
bad
Xena Worrier Princess @marianbull
he's a young pope
he loves his Father
loves Jesus
and the Vatican too
weird
despite all my rage
i am still just a pope of young age
weird
It's 4:20 you know what that means
weird
if ur ever feeling sad, just remember that criss angel has been waging a wizard war against david copperfield on twitter for over 6 years
famous
Christopher Ingraham @_cingraham
The crack team of cyber experts at Wikileaks are evidently still trying to master the nuances of LinkedIn
famous
i usually go paperless but this tweet deserved to be emailed, printed out, and posted on the literal @sfsymphony percussion room wall.
hysterical
here is megagroup Backstreet Boys turning into a Linksys router
weird
"He tweeted what?" Obama chuckled, as he held the Chaos Emeralds up to the light
hysterical
how u think your drunk nudes look vs how they look the next morning
weird
GIRLFRIEND: Do you want to move in together?
ME: That is a decision best left to the states.
hysterical
I also endured this hardship. i fed my son Tevin dog food and accidentally set fire to my daughter, whatshername.
hysterical
therapist: do any sounds annoy you
me: real sounds or imaginary sounds
therapist: [curious] lets say imaginary
me: spider wearing flip flops
weird
Charles Finch @CharlesFinch
These have got to be the two dumbest people alive
hysterical
Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood
badlands national park savagely elbows the grand canyon out of the way to become the national park I most want to fuck
hysterical
Alex is deleting this app @Alex_jonsie
I started crying in class because I tried to draw a chameleon from memory
hysterical
one of the reasons i love memes is because these two things are basically saying the same exact thing
hysterical
Sean Leahy @thepunningman
Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you
hysterical
i started singing 'chemtrails' in the tune to the ducktales theme a half hour ago so i just had to make this real quick:
hysterical
@realDonaldTrump Donald J. Trump
•
Big increase in traffic into our country from certain areas, while our people are far more vulnerable, as we wait for what should be EASY D!
famous
Respectful Memes @RespectfulMemes
hysterical
Everyone is Dril @EveryoneIsDril
@ericgarland Eric Garland
•
I give a sum total of ZERO FUCKING SHITS if you think I'm dumb or have a double-chin (see photo mocked by Leftists) or whatever.
bad
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
weird
ah this fantasy job where im paid millions of dollars to yell and play video games is great. whats next. i think ill make some nazi videos
weird
issuing correction on a previous post of mine, regarding the terror group ISIL. you do not, under any circumstances, "gotta hand it to them"
hysterical
let’s try calling me ‘november’ @AliceAvizandum
FRANCE: we're fancy
WORLD: ok
FRANCE: a fried ham sandwich is our national lunch
WORLD:
FRANCE: a fried ham sandwich with an egg is its wife
weird
Arturo Vasquez @arturovasquez__
rt to ruin someone's day
hysterical
Imraan Siddiqi @imraansiddiqi
bad
drewtoothpaste.bsky.social @drewtoothpaste
Cat owner: I love cats!
Dog owner: who rescued who lol
Snake owner: I have served with pride as moderator on 7 forums in the past 13 years,
hysterical
Gabriel Gundacker @gabegundacker
Burritos are not clapping hands
hysterical
I just had a $20 smoothie so yah I'd say sucking dick for money has been worth it
weird
Simon Coffey @urbanautomaton
someone at the British Library is doing fine work
hysterical
rodrant.bsky.social @Rodrant64
he should try not being dead
@ZackFord Zack Ford
•
BREAKING: Joseph Nicolosi, the modern father of the torture known as ex-gay therapy, has died.
dunks
turning a big dial taht says "Racism" on it and constantly looking back at the audience for approval like a contestant on the price is right
hysterical
Matt Oswalt @MattOswaltVA
I've never watched Trump speak without seeing 2 people behind him who look like they've been banned from an Applebees
hysterical
sorry folks, PBS has to go. they just don't get results, it's been 26 years and we still don't know where in the world is Carmen San Diego
weird
pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” @pixelatedboat
Weird that everyone's mad at Pepsi but no one complained about this Coke campaign:
weird
Everyone knows Kurt Cobain died 23 years ago today. What this tweet presupposes is: Maybe he didn’t?
bad
using twitter on your phone while you have it open on your laptop
hysterical
Martyn Skelly @martynkelly
Design convos # 39: 'Let's design a heart-shaped headphone splitter. It'll look cute. And def not like a pair of balls being electrocuted'
hysterical
good news everyone the search is over
hysterical
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
UNITED: eat these nickels
MAN: no
CNN: BREAKING: Man Beaten For Not Eating Nickels On Flight
WHITE GUY ON TWITTER: shoulda eaten the nickels
weird
How does she find time for airport security?
hysterical
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we're "on" for work every day mon-fri
weird
Pitchfork: King PU$$Y Eater revolutionizes our perception of bodies and spaces with his hit single "Goop on Ya Grinch" [7.6]
weird
Rusty Redenbacher @rustymk2
Lil Yachty said, "She blow that dick like a cello..."
This is why we need to continue pushing music education in schools.
hysterical
Nice try, 100 spiders working together to operate a keyboard.
hysterical
"Remember," your therapist says, "this is an algo-judgment free space. What you confess here won't be used to alter the ads served to you,
hysterical
Dennis Farrell @DennisFarrell
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
hysterical
Who Looks At a TUBA,& Thinks….
“DAMN…IM GONNA SHRED ON THAT MO FO”
famous
Even a G gets left on read sometimes
famous
Robbie Couch @robbie_couch
1995: The internet will revolutionize the way we think and communicate
2017:
hysterical
Big Star Sandwich Co @bigstarsandwich
Holy f**k, it worked! #LiamNeeson
hysterical
just filed a new patent
hysterical
[concert]
SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight
CROWD: woo
ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months
weird
Jeremy D. Larson @jeremydlarson
What happened to the other 4,999 powermen
hysterical
Goth Ms. Frizzle @spookperson
can check
weird
bad
Goth Ms. Frizzle @spookperson
we got the bastard
hysterical
75% sure if I go up and talk to this dude playing his wooden flute by the river he's gonna give me a side quest
hysterical
Heartbreaking: Hibachi Chef Tries To Make Meal On A Regular Table
hysterical
Reece.Jack.Potter @R_jackPotter
To get my mates down the pub I cut and pasted one pint 5 times and told them there were 5 pints waiting first 5 down gets a free one
hysterical
I'm gonna be thinking about this for months
weird
Ofjared, Ofdonald
hysterical
To be fair my friend followed a guy on Instagram, liked 2 pics and thought she had made her stance clear lmao
@Unkle_K CERTIFIED LOVER.
•
Girls shoot the shittest shots
hysterical
Dress for the job you want. #widow
hysterical
Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood
Wine Is Simply Juice That Has Gone Too Far
hysterical
oh i wouldn't be so sure
Andres Plaza @AndresPlazaR
@Snowden There are two separate issues: one thing is being against the law, and the other one is being the right thing to do. Can be both.
bad
Ashley Feinberg (ashleyfeinberg.bsky.social) @ashleyfeinberg
Someone didn't read the book
hysterical
Rachel Sanders @rachelysanders
leaving a non-binding climate agreement seems sort of like breaking up with an extremely hot person with whom you’re in an open relationship
hysterical
TLOC | hamyojo ♀️ @hamyojo
Cracking open a cold one with the boys
hysterical
Goth Ms. Frizzle @spookperson
career goals: old woman in a horse skull mask that drags a human femur across a burnt out engine block to call the rains down
weird
Goth Ms. Frizzle @spookperson
career goals: old man sacrificed to the flaming heart of a great starship to keep the reactor burning for another cycle
weird
lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I've been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he's saying something else now
hysterical
Don't talk shit online
hysterical
Chris Worthington @SomeChrisTweets
DEVIL: "You will master multi-instrumentation and soft-spoken songwriting, but in exchange you will forget how to wear h--"
SUFJAN: "Deal."
hysterical
Even knowing all we know now about jurassic park i think id still go
hysterical
Oh, it’s your first day on Twitter? Here, this is Twitter.
bad
MonsterKing @CerromeRussell
White people are gonna mess around and get their greatest athlete killed
@washingtonpost The Washington Post
•
Michael Phelps to race a great white during "Shark Week"
hysterical
Brandon McCarthy @BMcCarthy32
Its ridiculous but when I start against the Mets I'm very aware that Jerry Seinfeld's mood is in my hands.
famous
Kerbie Polsky @kerbiegibbs
My dog's ear is like the perfect picture to show your hairdresser if you want beachy waves and caramel highlights
weird
still cant believe data vis rejected my 404 page design
hysterical
The Texas Chain Saw Bransacre @bransonreese
The Little Submarine
hysterical
Imagine being Jay-Z side chick and you can't even brag to your friends because they gone beat your ass.
hysterical
me faving tweets about depression
weird
You: Jon Bon Jovi
Me, an intellectual: Jonathan Bonathan Jovi
hysterical
Add your name @veryADVANCED
on this night, in that elevator, 3 albums were made.
hysterical
Chloe Alison Escott @vesselskirt
[standing in the crowd after Martin Luther nails his Ninety-Five Theses to the chapel door] what does this say I'm blocked
hysterical
Rank how well your AI demo went:
- Great
- Good
- Ok
- Bad
- Very Bad
- Miyazaki
hysterical
Couple attempts the 'Dirty Dancing' lift, ends up hospitalized dlvr.it/PVdnWs
bad
Goth Ms. Frizzle @spookperson
weird
Wild Geerters @steinkobbe
It's not selling bad. It's actually selling so much that the rankings pages can't keep up. That's how the rankings works, morons.
bad
MORGAN FREEMAN: I'm here to narrate your life
ME: nice!
[2 hrs later]
MORGAN FREEMAN: he's still eating chicken nuggets and crying
weird
Garrett Miller @heyitsgarrett
I love to get LIT!!!
Likes on
Instagram &
Twitter
hysterical
the real RMJ=H @rmj_equals_hero
tell me this doesn't look like a squirrel cumming
@MSNBC MSNBC
•
weird
Goth Ms. Frizzle @spookperson
weird
I... worked on this story for a year... and... she just... she tweeted it out.
hysterical
Trent Reznor's name backwards is Ron Zertnert.
hysterical
Insane when people get mad over crying babies. Babies cry dipshit . U cried when u were a baby the only difference is u never stopped bitch
hysterical
ur mcm doesn't even wear basketball shorts under his jeans LMFAOOOOOO he gon b unprepared as shit if a random game of 21 occurs
hysterical
Stephen Huggins @stephenjhuggins
A weapon to surpass Metal Gear
hysterical
me: skincare!
my other organs: please help us .
hysterical
I'm sold
hysterical
Do YOU know what your kids are saying?
lmao = love mao
lol = liquidation of landlords
tbt = talkin bout theory
fml = feeling Marx's love
weird
Lucian B. Wintrich @lucianwintrich
They break into our country, steal resources, then do shit like this. And libs still wonder why we are pushing for immigration controls...
bad
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
YOU: [bad, sexistly] women be shoppin!!!
ME: [woke, wise beyond his years] susan be anthony
weird
Jokes are over. No more jokes.
famous
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
weird
イーサン Comms Open! @kujikawaii
me: i have depression
someone: u should get out more! go outside
me: *goes to the beach* now its a tropical depression
weird
Ethan Booker @Ethan_Booker
--HBO'S CONFEDERATE--
SOME BRIT ACTOR LIKE RALPH FIENNES:(staring out plantation window) sometimes I feel like I'm the slave
ACTRESS: *nude*
hysterical
hiii i'm ruben hello @urbanfriendden
the four types of people on twitter
weird
am i sad when i lose followers?
do you mourn when parasites alight from your interior organs to take comfort in another host?
hysterical
Renato Pagnani @rennavate
Them: "If you hate Twitter so much, why don't you delete your account?"
Me:
hysterical
This suggests a level of political stability and control over long-term infrastructure policy which I would not have expected of pirates.
hysterical
Neo-nazis: purge the soil of filth, Hitler is not bad
BLM: the state should kill fewer black people
Idiot pundit: mah gawd theyre the same
hysterical
Lead Actor from Pixar’s Sodas @ByYourLogic
WSJ actually does some good reporting but all their op-eds are like "It's Prejudiced Not To Bury Your Maid Alive In Your Tomb With You"
hysterical
Goth Ms. Frizzle @spookperson
lol
hysterical
oh my god
hysterical
Jon Eats Books and Pancakes @CrimespreeJon
no racist crap you nazi assholes
hysterical
brandAn is good @LeBearGirdle
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
hysterical
texas fellas, is it gay to be in this hurricane? i mean, you're literally getting blown by a dude named harvey..... sound a lil spicy 2 me
weird
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
hysterical
Grant Brisbee @GrantBrisbee
weird
just sold 1000 guns to "CONGO" in my most radical act of self care to date
weird
soda jerk @poniesandsodies
is snakes just necks
hysterical
SA Insurance Insider @_sainsurance
How 27 year old men walk into relationships with emotional baggage from when they got cheated on when they were 12.
hysterical
wikipedia's 'list of poems by catullus' is also a litany of relatable sentiments
hysterical
Mihaela Bereza @Atunci_CoV
Hermit Crab: I want a new shell. Something that will scare off predators.
His friend: I know just the thing
weird
Colin Spacetwinks @spacetwinks
hysterical
Once before class my friend said to me "time to clean house" and walked into the class his brother was in and just kicked him in the nuts
weird
Michael Wheaner @BIGBUTTSKI
Fuck nihilism bro we out here caring about things
weird
Time to go harder seriously.
famous
Jennifer Wright @JenAshleyWright
Can't wait for some tech bro to discover makeup, rename it "face hacking" and claim he invented it.
hysterical
Amazon Movie Reviews @AmznMovieRevws
Dora the Explorer.
hysterical
Moot @ Aquatifur @Mala_Moot
The rest of the day after someone calls you cute
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OFF THE WALL GANG™ @OTWGBEATS
My bro did 2k face scan with a blunt in his mouth
hysterical
got all these tabs open like "Girl poison husband rate" and "Poisoned husband body count" researching if i should want to have a wife or not
weird
EliteSonicFan @EliteSonicFan
If a naked girl can get hundreds of RT's, how many can our troops get?
hysterical
Ashley Feinberg (ashleyfeinberg.bsky.social) @ashleyfeinberg
the point at which we all should've realized what was coming was when conservatives laid down in dumpsters for the confederacy/to own libs
famous
THEY DONT WANT YOU TO EXPLORE THE OCEAN
weird
Jennifer Wright @JenAshleyWright
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT'S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
hysterical
U bum @StephenCurry30 already said he ain't going! So therefore ain't no invite. Going to White House was a great honor until you showed up!
famous
I spilled baked beans all over myself watching Cars 2 in theaters & a black teenager shouted "this nigga eating beans" & everyone laughed.
hysterical
healthy as a horse? they literally can't walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
hysterical
Alpha Male (real) @SortaBad
old twitter: send nudes bb
new 280 char twitter: dearest Penelope, it's been a harsh winter's time since thou booty has graced thy screen
hysterical
DESUS & MERO on VICELAND @DesusandMeroVL
Nothing but respect for our President LeBron after he calls Trump a bum again.
hysterical
*sees 280*
CONSCIENCE: "don't do it."
*still 223 left*
"srsly don't."
*closes eyes*
SOME
BODY
ONCE
TOLD
ME
THE
WORLD
IS
GONNA
ROLL
ME
I
AIN'T
THE
SHARPEST
TOOL
IN
THE
SHED
SHE
WAS
LOOKING
KIND
OF
DUMB
WITH
HER
FINGER
AND
HER
THUMB
IN
THE
SHAPE
OF
AN
L
ON
HER
FOREHEAD
WELL,
weird
1989 (christian’s version) @jessespector
STEPHEN A: Skip I want to ADDRESS this issue.
[BAYLESS nods]
You KNOW I am sensitive to the Holocaust
BAYLESS: Absolutely
STEPHEN A: BUT!
PF CHANG'S WAITER: [Recites specials]
STEPHEN A: [Acts surprised] To me, that's preposterous. Crab Rangoon, things of that nature.
weird
Jiayang Fan 樊嘉扬 @JiayangFan
Asked Chinese seller on street what he thought these magnets were & he told me he thinks they are "vintage New York City propaganda badges"
hysterical
BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer
weird
Deactivating
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Joe Saunders @saundersjoe
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
weird
Kids Write Jokes @KidsWriteJokes
why does the crow laugh
beacause they are mad ha ha ha I am also mad
hysterical
two biggest shocks of adult life:
1. everyone does cocaine
2. cheese is fucking expensive
weird
Casual Sports Fan @DietBeginsMon
90% of my experience on the internet
bad
dasharez0ne.bsky.social @dasharez0ne
weird
If anyone ever proposes to me i'm gonna be like get off that knee and stop disrespecting the troops bitch
hysterical
same name at bsky @bookofruthless
I mean, Kennedy was shot in the head, but ok.
bad
I thought Kurt Russell had a tiny personal hairdresser in this photo and tbh my brain was fine with the idea
hysterical
It's always baffled me that James Corden is popular in the US, like finding a previously undiscovered civilisation worshiping a can of soup
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cool & unusual @Brazos_Elkins
*opens instagram*
yep, everyone's life is still better than mine
*closes instagram*
*opens twitter*
ah yes. my fellow trash bretheren.
hysterical
Christopher Ingraham @_cingraham
Making a list in Word
1. Word plz make me a list
2. No wait what are you d
2. 2. wtf is this
c. no this isn't what
• WTF
hysterical
!!!!!!!!! WHO DID THIS TO MY INNOCENT MOTHER !!!!!!!!
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Chris but it's November @chrs00
Timberland not fucking about when it comes to capturing the millennial market.
hysterical
Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams
[blind date]
HER: I'm a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
weird
.@KFC follows 11 people.
Those 11 people? 5 Spice Girls and 6 guys named Herb.
11 Herbs & Spices. I need time to process this.
hysterical
I'm on bluesky now @InternetHippo
julius caesar (dying after being stabbed 23 times): please…name a salad after me
hysterical
flos. ☆ now on vgen! @flosgelida
h-hewwo! doctow! we'we woosing him! he's fwatwining!
hysterical
Goodbye Iowa. On the road home. Gotta get back to writing. Will try to tweet in useful ways.
famous
The Daily Show @TheDailyShow
tfw you're no longer the worst living president
famous
ADH solarshades.bsky.social @AndrewDHudson
This is the shit I log on for.
hysterical
Infowars is an anagram of Wario NSFW
hysterical
Lyft driver playing sad piano music & he’s either gonna kill me or this is the last episode of an hbo series I’ve apparently been on
hysterical
I like to think whoever wrote the BBC styleguide entry on Americanisms did it in one sitting, filled with rage
hysterical
Vladimir Neutered @morrishitty
“Did you cum?” Yeah out of my cage and I’ve been doing just fine
weird
how the fuck u carry a child for 9 months n name it papa john
hysterical
Topher Florence @topherflorence
is okcupid trying to figure out if i'm a replicant
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nicole boyce @nicolewboyce
I NEVER restore all old tabs. If I lose them in a restart, they're gone. It is a blessing to be set free from a prison of my own creation
hysterical
Cory Schmitz @CorySchmitz
fäther may i have a türnip
weird
Dan Sheehan @ItsDanSheehan
Honestly I'm just honored to get murdered by guns in a country that respects its flag so much
hysterical
My white neighbor talking about some “man i wonder how our ancestors were able to keep up with their yards when these tools werent invented”
hysterical
if I wanted to deal with 280 characters I'd go read game of thrones
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laanat del rey @badkuthi69
when you make a self-deprecating joke but it’s too intense and everyone gets upset
weird
“aye my man tryna talk to you he’s over there”
weird
Patrick Lenton @PatrickLenton
Just saw a very stoned young man in the 7/11 look at the selection of chips sadly and say softly “there’s too many of you”
hysterical
Geraldine Just Follow TheEverywhereist on Threads @everywhereist
Me: *incredibly angry*
Him: If you embark on a quest of revenge, you should bring two shovels
Me: It's dig two graves. Not bring two shovels
Him: That's what I meant
Me: You can use the same shovel for both graves
Him: That's not the point
Me: You don't even know how shovels work
weird
INSTEAD OF HAVING HEROES CONSIDER PURCHASING A COOL LIZARD
weird
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
hysterical
Existential Comics (find me on bluesky) @existentialcoms
we must imagine Sisyphus happy and also as an otter
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o, laconic beast @direlog
hey kids. i’m here to tell you about a cool french ‘app’ invented over 200 years ago, called the guillotine
hysterical
Adam P. Knave @adampknave
Thanks, accidentally hysterical ad campaign gif making person. I'll never be able to read Artisanal "normally" again.
bad
WHY IS THIS THE ONLY BULLSHIT I CAN LAUGH AT ANYMORE I CANT BREATHE
weird
bletchley punk @alicegoldfuss
CUT PACKETS INTO PIECES
THIS IS MY DEFAULT PORT
FRAGMENTATION
NO STREAMING
DON’T GIVE A PING IF THE SIZE IS EXCEEDING
weird
Sophia Benoit @1followernodad
I honestly love how rich people will pay so much for this ugly ass sliced honey baked ham lookin ass shoe
hysterical
Chris but it's November @chrs00
When we say MacDuff was "untimely ripped from his mother's womb" what we're actually saying is that the guy was jacked from birth in a way never seen before. Dude never needed to hit the gym. Born with muscles. Hashtag literature.
hysterical
we slept on this look.
weird
hysterical
Sure, they're filled with unnameable dread, but at least they're not stuck on the platform for the third time this week because a Doritos bag caught on fire on the tracks.
All of the mid-century paintings in the Whitney that were supposed to convey the crushing alienation of modern life now look like utopias where there were jobs and functioning infrastructure.
hysterical
america's lounge singer @KrangTNelson
love watching old people’s fb pics evolve
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Aparna Nancherla @aparnapkin
THANKSGIVING GAME: nobody gets pie until you go around the table & everyone has to say "climate change is real"
hysterical
A guy in my office is shaking his protein shake and this woman poked her head around the corner and said “do I hear margaritasssss?”... no Janet, it’s 10 am.
hysterical
as soon as one month ends another begins. no break. they are relentless
weird
cool website guy @fartgalleries
throwback to last year when i made a snowman and it started to melt but refroze overnight
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[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
hysterical
RT @helfitzgerald: that Schoolhouse Rock how a bill becomes a law song but now it’s death metal and all the lyrics are just incomprehensibl…
hysterical
Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood
me to cat: c’mere, lemme kiss u on the mouth. I love ya
cat: No — NO — but I will put one of my Fur in every meal you eat till the day you die, and in this way we shall be Together
weird
ok i kno it’s four in the morning... but if we ALL, as an entire generation, get a face tat,,, they have to hire us. we cant all be unemployable
weird
Lmao vine can come back but not my dad
weird
I'm on bluesky now @InternetHippo
Join me in investing in Icarus, the digital currency that will never stop going up
hysterical
Haha, I feel sorry for all you losers who missed out on the Bitcoin train. You should've bought in years ago, like me: A perfectly normal man who coincidentally hoarded a virtual currency during a time when it's only use was for sex trafficking and purchasing organs.
hysterical
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
hysterical
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here's the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
hysterical
common sad girl @sadgirlkms
isnt rick and morty that thing you get when you die and your body gets all stiff
weird
hysterical
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
hysterical
My no dick getting neighbor stay filing noise complaints on me to the leasing office. plot twist-I be fucking the leasing office lady. My neighbor don’t know that she complaining about noises to the girl that I be making the noises with in the first place. That’s ruff
hysterical
Catherynne M. Valente @catvalente
Jared Kushner always looks like the ghost of a young Victorian boy who died in that house and only appears in photographs and then seven days later you die.
dunks
stop calling him zaddy if u taking care of him.. thats yo zon
hysterical
the more i think about it , the more it seems to me that apes look like fucked up versions of humans
weird
Every old person used to say “too much TV will rot your brain” but then watched 16 hours of Fox News everyday and now they think Obama sold power armor to ISIS
hysterical
lil pom poko jerk @rajandelman
Imagine needing three separate ghosts to teach you a lesson
hysterical
Send dunes
@Gizmodo Gizmodo
•
British cops want to use AI to spot porn—but it keeps mistaking desert pics for nudes gizmo.do/Zp1kWkk
hysterical
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
hysterical
Clayton Cubitt @claytoncubitt
In conclusion
hysterical
woW Gotye really disappeared off the face of the planet and literally became somebody that we used to know, iconic
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Becky Dalton @beckyjhinch
Uber driver just asked if Canada celebrates Christmas on a different day than America. Yeah, our Christ is actually the half brother of Jesus. Doug Christ, born on the 30th.
hysterical
Peter Schultz @pete_schultz
As a relatively successful and busy man who lives in the city, my greatest fear is losing my girlfriend to a hometown hunk with a young son who teaches her the true meaning of Christmas
hysterical
*Werner Herzog voice*
The drama lies not in the fact that the child sees her mother kissing Santa Claus, but in the choice that the mother now confronts: admitting either that Santa is a lie or that love is a lie.
hysterical
Perfume Genius @perfumegenius
why would you name a store with diamonds in it Jared
hysterical
the once-ler of minecraft @sugoishiba
i wanna know where the fuck my mom got this from
weird
no more tryna pipe girls in 2018 we jus goin to their house to use their printer now
hysterical
oh my god little caesars no
hysterical
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I'm so sorry
HER: You're gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
hysterical
Girl: Wow that was the best sex I’ve ever had, but I have to ask.... why are you wearing that goofy chef’s hat??
Me: *beet red and physically exhausted slowly takes off hat to reveal ratatouille controlling my every move*
weird
all twitter discourse is just repackaged 2014 tumblr discourse without any of the wild plot twists. wake me up when somebody on twitter dot org steals real human bones from a 19th century grave for witchcraft.
hysterical
you should be able to pay a bee to sting someone
hysterical
(folloiwng the waiter to his car) Sir. Sir. Can you confirm or deny that the Southwestern Chipotle Chicken Paninis here are "Chef Inspired"
weird
ＷＥＴ ＡＲＭＡＤＩＬＬＯ @BauceSauce
in awe at the size of this lad. absolute unit
hysterical
Denizcan S. @MrFilmkritik
“IT IS THE DAYTIME, HECTOR. THE DAY. WHEN I SLEEP. WHAT THE FUCK.”
hysterical
[red hot chili peppers voice] two factor authentication
hysterical
@hayesbrown.bsky.social @HayesBrown
WHEEEEEEEEN
THEEEEEEEEE
white Google man
Files a suit that is panned
That's Damore
hysterical
zelda's twinkwife @rosyghoul
damn smash mouth was right, the years start coming and they really don’t stop coming
hysterical
Always good to pick up some practical tips in the Financial Times.
bad
couldnt handle black panther, i get it
@ladbible LADbible
•
hysterical
brandon / jinx / big jinx @brandonjinx
*goes back in time*
GUY: Whoa! What’s the future like? Flying cars? Inter-dimensional Travel? World peace?!
ME: Na. They eating Tide Pods and everyone mean to each other.
hysterical
Maggie Haberman @maggieNYT
For those of us unable to see the briefing, did Jackson say what Trump’s height is?
famous
Neeraj K Agrawal @NeerajKA
trying to enjoy crypto wealth
weird
this is the best interaction on twitter
hysterical
I JUST ASKED SIRI IF A CERTAIN BOY WOULD EVER TEXT ME AND SHE SENT A TEXT SAYING WILL YOU EVER TEXT ME TO HIM. My funeral will be held at 8pm this Thursday.
hysterical
Dr. Ruth Westheimer @AskDrRuth
All this talk about fake news leads me to remind you that faking orgasms occasionally is OK but not on a regular basis. Speak up if you need help achieving sexual satisfaction.
famous
Premee Mohamed @premeesaurus
guys guys i'm in this all-day meeting and someone just didn't want to say "get your shit together" so he said "get your poop in a group"
hysterical
Karen Kilgariff @KarenKilgariff
I heard if you look at someone’s LinkedIn profile they’re sent a notification saying you love them so much you cry about it at night
hysterical
If only there was a letter in PARIS that resembles the Eiffel Tower
hysterical
rip shania twink @phillipethao
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inexorable pride @eggsandbread
this meme has finally been perfected
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melissa kravitz hoeffner @melissabethk
if only more men reviewed lesbian bars on yelp
hysterical
The most important lesson I've learned from listening to music is to never leave a rapper a voicemail
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Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
I feel like LaCroix is what juice would taste like to a ghost
hysterical
Benny 'Bluesky' Rollins @citizenkawala
Squirrels always act like it's their first day of being a squirrel.
hysterical
Is it fucking Maybelline or not ?
hysterical
false alarm folks its just his bones
A bus-sized dinosaur has been found in Egypt, and it offers a clue to an ancient mystery cnn.it/2EHWi8k
weird
palmer ward @decentbirthday
[about to make first contact]
astronaut: how will we communicate
me: play mr. brightside
astronaut: that's ridiculous
[meanwhile on UFO]
alien 1: pull it up
alien 2: *shuffling through music* it's by the killers right
weird
I like when flies won't leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
hysterical
Fran Zaya, orca supporter @salmattos
Wishbone is a gay icon. Feeling stifled and ignored, he retreated to the worlds of classic literature and theatre. He would fully immerse himself in these elaborate fantasies and was always committed to the lewk.
hysterical
Stephanie Kuo (she/her) @stephanieskuo
I went into journalism to tell important stories and to give a voice to the voiceless.
hysterical
well i'm sold
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pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” @pixelatedboat
Trump: *gives thumbs up*
Aide: Mr. President, this is a Holocaust memorial
Trump: *respectfully rotates thumb 180 degrees*
hysterical
ah yes, the two genders
hysterical
Colin Spacetwinks @spacetwinks
doctor: treatment is simple. go see orville, very funny clown
pagliacci: what about pagliacci?
doctor: pagliacci? man i could not name a more suckass clown
pagliacci:
doctor: just downright dogshit of a clown
weird
why is being alive so expensive. im not even having a good time
weird
*gets ghosted*
Me: thank you for the 15-day free trial
weird
explaining my cv gap
hysterical
millennials love eating. whether it's avocados, the rich or ass, this generation has a voracious appetite that cannot and will not be satiated
hysterical
Ollie Garch (Not Sanctioned) @ojedge
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
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Ike Barinholtz @ikebarinholtz
Do it, bitch
@KThomasDC Ken Thomas
•
Trump said he's considering pulling ICE out of California: "We're getting no help from the state of California. Frankly, if I wanted to pull our people from California you would have a crime nest like you would never seen in California."
famous
i honestly thought those were your legs
@milanoysl meri
•
yea i just combined vertical and horizontal stripes
hysterical
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
hysterical
say it ain't so,
i will not go
turn the lights off,
carry me home
hysterical
Denizcan S. @MrFilmkritik
I can't stop cackling
hysterical
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can't turn your head all the way to the left anymore
hysterical
on bluesky at explod.es @egg_dog
coffins : the ultimate and final ravioli
hysterical
TriBeCa
hysterical
my work here is done
weird
neiman marxist @thickwithnoass
I am a girl
I dont smoke, drink, or party
I dont sleep around
I eat 5,000 ticks per season
I am immune to rabies
I am north america's only marsupial
YES, WE EXIST.
weird
Can websites please stop the trend of giving error messages that are like "OOPSIE WOOPSIE!! Uwu We made a fucky wucky!! A wittle fucko boingo! The code monkeys at our headquarters are working VEWY HAWD to fix this!" And just give me a fucking error code so I can try and fix it
hysterical
My girl Fiona bout to get that back blown out
@SanAntonioZoo San Antonio Zoological Society
•
Dear Fiona,
My name is Timothy. I have seen you on the internet at the @CincinnatiZoo & you are the most beautiful hippo I have ever seen! Perhaps we can meet someday and be boyfriend and girlfriend? I am single and available. #HippoSwipeRight #TeamFiona
Sincerely,
Timothy
hysterical
Rev. Poppy Haze @poppy_haze
bernie sanders is distributing unadulterated original 4loko to create antifa supersoldiers
weird
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
hysterical
best of letterboxd @bestletterboxd
hysterical
Jennaclaire @jennaaclaire
hysterical
the year is 2045. Alexa overhears you make a problematic joke and immediately alerts the US Army. They make a vlog raiding your home and no scope sniping you in close quarters. It goes viral and a portion of the adsense revenue is donated to your families gofundme
hysterical
men take a high school debate class and then spend the next ten years calling everything they dont like a strawman
hysterical
Shit Academics Say @AcademicsSay
Active voice: I love your blog
Passive voice: Your blog is loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you have time to write a blog
hysterical
Aparna Nancherla @aparnapkin
I like my men like I like my taxes: avoid until legally impossible
hysterical
LEGO Joseph Smith @Mormonger
Nobody talks about Jesus' miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
weird
Them: “Where would you like to see yourself in 10 years?”
Me:
hysterical
Bank account: IS THIS YOUR SAVINGS?!!
hysterical
Anthony Carboni @acarboni
Me: *watches a single YouTube tutorial so I can fix my door hinge*
YouTube: WHAT'S UP, HINGE-LOVER? HERE ARE THE TOP 1000 VIDEOS FROM THE HINGER COMMUNITY THIS WEEK. CHECK OUT THIS TRENDING HINGE CONTENT FROM ENGAGING HINGEFLUENCERS
hysterical
Jason Markusoff @markusoff
I have repurposed
the data
that were in
your personal profile
and which
you were probably
saving
for friends
Forgive me
they were politically useful
so lucrative
and [WHICH WILLIAM CARLOS WILLIAMS POEM ARE YOU?? TAKE OUR QUIZ CLICK HERE]
—Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook
hysterical
You can always tell when someone makes art because this is what their Instagram looks like
hysterical
Nothing you do matters. Duck Hunt was prerecorded. Your zapper gun did nothing. The birds died of natural causes. This is why the dog would laugh at you.
hysterical
Cynthia Nixon @CynthiaNixon
“When I announced yesterday that I’m running for gov, one of Cuomo’s top surrogates dismissed me as an “unqualified lesbian.” It’s true that I never received my certificate from the Department of Lesbian Affairs, though in my defense there’s a lot of paperwork required.” ♀️
famous
Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz
REPORTER: What's your blood like?
ZUCKERBERG: So, that's actually a really important question. My blood is normal blood, it's red, a deep human red, and it... you know, I could go on and on. But the key thing is that I have blood -- gallons and gallons of it -- and it's normal.
hysterical
Avery Tucker @averytuckerlive
LA = shitty heaven, NY = fun hell
hysterical
why does every male model on ASOS look like they've just bumped into the girl they've been ghosting
hysterical
bobby shawarma @hummusandpizza
at a work conference yesterday we were asked why people don’t ask to work from home more. we could send answers anonymously and they’d appear on a big screen. one answer read in 72pt font: “because I do not like my children”
hysterical
Tandem Felix @FelixTandem
All hail Christopher Cross: the only man to look like both members of Tenacious D in one lifetime.
hysterical
ɴᴏ ᴄᴀʟʟᴇʀ ɪᴅ @_lesleyallan
how to tell they’re gay:
• they do not sit in chairs properly.
the real homosexual agenda is sitting on tables. or floors. or two chairs at once with your feet up on the other chair.
hysterical
Ryan Broderick @broderick
Russian troll farm boss: Are we making any headway on Tumblr?
Russian troll operative: I, uh, I don't know. They keep posting highres photos of Luigi's penis and saying "Oh, worm?"
hysterical
Who would u rather fukk a snowman or a fireman
weird
me and aria were giggling at this painting and this middle aged white man walks by and mutters "immature girls" chill how is this not funny
hysterical
how in gods name do you excercise as soon as you wake up don’t you take like 3 hours in bed to absorb all the trauma from the fact that you’re still alive
weird
#1 nobana higashiyama hater @GiganticPawUnit
in awe at the size of this lad. absolute unit
hysterical
i think a fight is about to break out in the subway i'm on
hysterical
Jason O. Gilbert @gilbertjasono
SENATE BAILIFF: Raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and—
MARK ZUCKERBERG [with a big fake smile]: So, that’s a great question, and it’s something everyone at Facebook is really passionate about
hysterical
Ex-bisexual, engineer @misandrism
hurt by nin vs hurt by johnny cash
hysterical
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
the other day @raesanni tweeted that the trump administration firings list sounded like an animaniacs song and i asked if i could make that song. here is that song
hysterical
the human body is like a horrible time machine that only goes at one speed and rots while you're inside it
hysterical
Alice A. Procter @aaprocter
Look. Whatever they tell you, all museum people got into this field cos they want to touch the art. It's not about "preserving" or "inspiring people". We'd lick it if we could.
hysterical
Media criticism is an Art Form????? I’m Done.
@Pandapeep Justin Frechette
•
@FINALLEVEL Not a good take, Ice. Media criticism is an art firm unto itself. Just cause someone said shit about you that you didn't like, doesn't mean you need to try and shit on an artform. Lots of shit rappers, doesn't make rapping easy. .
hysterical
Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau
WIFE: I’m leaving you.
ME: Is it because of all the improv?
WIFE: Yes.
ME:
WIFE:
ME: *Quietly* “Yes, and”
hysterical
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
hysterical
christian @nopoweradeinusa
I've never seen a drug dealer with a current generation gaming console, they're always 1 generation behind like every drug dealer you go to now has an xbox 360 with skate 3 and that's it
hysterical
‘walk it like I talk it’ crossover featuring dr.seuss
hysterical
Yusuf Yuie ✨ Black Joy @YusufYuie
My mans dying and nobody cares
hysterical
A Japanese user suggested that this meme would be better if I changed my icon to Kid Goku
Which is fucking genius
weird
God, listening to four of y’all asking Him to get the same dude to act right
hysterical
chrissy teigen @chrissyteigen
I’m gonna sign you dumbass up for pottery barn emails
@regency5013 deborahlynn501@aol.com
•
@chrissyteigen And who are you? A nobody.
famous
hysterical
do u ever wanna take a nap but the nap doesn’t wanna take u
weird
my ride is here
hysterical
koyaanisqatsi heckler @Arr
Before Twitter, people heard maybe five jokes a day instead of hundreds. That's why back in the 90s someone could go "spank you very much" and everyone would be like "whoa... this guy's good"
hysterical
children are so strange i just had seven (7) young boys on my front porch demanding to see my cat. they had a leader. i opened the door and before i could greet them he said “where’s your cat. i know he’s in there we see him in the windows and he’s real fat.” idk what to do here
hysterical
Akaashi Needs Legs @anniearlert
This image from a 1920s magazine was ahead of its time
hysterical
Don’t tell nobody we used to date, I was a different bitch back then. Ain’t no way you could pull me now so you just being disrespectful.
hysterical
u gon eat whatever pussy I got in stock
@BandsomeTay Tay Amiri
•
Waxed vagina > Shaved vagina
hysterical
Aparna Nancherla @aparnapkin
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
hysterical
austin walker @austin_walker
Dang, Satan is a cop.
famous
Listening to @CNN talking about #royalbaby3 and the reporter said ‘Prince Harry’s route to the throne just became more difficult’ as though it’s an open secret he’s planning to systematically slaughter his closest relatives
famous
Raccoon Crushed To Death By Garbage Truck Hits Jackpot With Reincarnation trib.al/iUoOY0S
hysterical
Brandy Jensen @BrandyLJensen
I have a working theory that most men are a certain number of rejections away from being red pilled but you can also substitute like, five twitter dunks for one rejection
hysterical
[halfway thru getting my tattoo of shaggy] I meant the rapper
weird
i’m a THUG
T - tiny
H - human
U- under
G - great pressure to succeed due to the constant mental conditioning i experienced as a kid resulting in the irrational fear that no matter how hard i work i will never be able to match up to my societal expectations.
hysterical
Hello here’s my impression of every John Oliver bit....
...that would be like if we trusted a raccoon to fly to Mars. YA CAN’T FLY TO MARS, GARY. YOU’RE A FUCKING PANDA!! A PANDA!!! But if the conflict in Syria isn’t resolved soon...
hysterical
sorry i said big mood while you were having a severe allergic reaction to peanuts
weird
demi adejuyigbe @electrolemon
glad i got moviepass while it was still unlimited. it’s like a subscription service that lets me increase black panther’s global box office by a whole $15 every time i wanna use the nicest bathroom at the mall
hysterical
Kelsey D. Atherton, now available on Bluesky @AthertonKD
Weird that Andrew Sullivan's editors keep giving him 2300 words when he clearly only wants 14.
dunks
Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood
I wanna see gollum’s pussy
weird
Therapist: What's wrong?
Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I'll be getting a divorce
Therapist: And who told you that?
Me: *tearfully clears throat*
weird
The Talmud my students are studying addressed this topic of incels and experts demanding redistribution of sex, around 1500 years ago
earnest
This app will never be defeated.
bad
gary from teen mom @garyfromteenmom
bröther may i have this cümber
weird
pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” @pixelatedboat
Kanye: I don’t want to just be famous as a rapper
*finger on monkey paw curls*
hysterical
i bless the rains down in castamere @Chinchillazllla
i'm gonna design sex robots with such advanced AI that they still reject incels
hysterical
Find me on Bluesky @KevinBuist
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david fragrance @davey87654321
Happy Wednesday
hysterical
Virginia Heffernan @page88
Twitter, please don’t forget Michael Avenatti when you tell this tale to your grandkids years hence. I know, you think you’ll remember his extraterrestrial confidence, cheekbones & entrance fr/left field, but time can erode even the memory of Hottie Avenatti. Don’t let it happen!
@brianstelter Brian Stelter
•
"I said it weeks ago. I'm going to say it again. Mr. Trump will not serve his term. No way, no how. He will be forced to ultimately resign" --@MichaelAvenatti on @CNNTonight
bad
Jason O. Gilbert @gilbertjasono
ROMNEY: Ahoy, Sir! I’ll take one heated dog sausage, that famous American meat tube, with your finest Heinz tomato chutney
BALLPARK VENDOR: What
weird
sarah schauer @sarahschauer
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who's good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can't identify your body
hysterical
cas-purr the post ghost @CrappyFumes
Hello men- it’s shorts weather now so remember the old rhyme:
At or above the knee,
That’s what we like to see,
Longer than the knee
A juggalo ye be
hysterical
David Crosby @thedavidcrosby
I dont hate him ....much too strong a word ...I think he was lame ...a poser
@TimmyMKE Timmy E.
•
@thedavidcrosby Why do you hate Jim Morrison so much?
famous
isis lowkey fell off
hysterical
Comrade Phteven @PhriendlyCody
[leaving a smash mouth concert]
wife: did you really think they'd play "All-Star" for an entire hour?
me: *visibly agitated* i guess not
weird
The three (3) types of British crime shows:
- title is a surname, makes you sad
- title is a place name, makes you sad
- “gosh isn’t murder positively beastly, oh well mustn’t let it ruin the village’s Paintings of Fences & Sheep competition, it’s the 50th anniversary after all”
hysterical
If you out here posting your moms today for the gram and not hitting her pic with facetune do you really love her?
hysterical
still waiting for all of the dudes I have sonned on this website to wish me happy mother's day
hysterical
The question of necrophilia does raise some interesting and useful challenges to many comfortably held positions today. For instance, if you're pro-choice in the abortion debate, I find it very difficult to see how you could possibly have ethical objections to necrophilia.
bad
The job titles for candidates on California ballots never disappoint.
hysterical
I took every shot from behind-the-scenes featurettes where Dr. Strange is in front of a greenscreen, and edited him into a waterpark.
weird
Little Caesars: It's hot and it's ready.
Me: Is it good?
Little Caesars: It's HOT. And it's READY.
hysterical
[inventing the hot air balloon] I don't give a fuck where I go
hysterical
This duck’s bill looks like a smaller, older, less happy duck.
hysterical
josh (oldfriend99) @oldfriend99
I had to laugh when I first learned that the character's name was "Mr Bean". But when i then found out that we never learn the fellow's first name, i grew enraged.
hysterical
Sex gifs
famous
Y’all : Wyd this weekend
Me:
hysterical
*uses ouiji board* “w...e...” “oh my god!” “v...e updated our privacy policy”
hysterical
Jamband Survivor @mattytalks
Long term Twitter use has only 2 possible outcomes:
1) you become a overbearing politics obsessed scold
2) your brain becomes so diseased that you can only laugh at stuff like “it’s ya boy tarantula dick”
hysterical
Charles Joseph @Boom_likean808
At first i thought he was wearing the heels
hysterical