I Self-Harmed as a Teen, and Here's What I Want Parents To Know

It began slowly, innocuously. A cut here. A scrape there. And while I don't know how it started or why, I can still recall the feeling I got. The "high." Why? I was a grieving 15-year-old who lost her father two years earlier. My personal life was full of hurt and sadness. I was an abused and neglected teen who grew up in chaos. My personal life was full of hurt and sadness, and I was living with an undiagnosed and untreated mental health condition.

Self-harm became my outlet. It was my escape like it is for so many young people. I wanted to see and feel something and remind myself I was still alive. Depression had zapped this feeling from me and left me gutted. But seeing blood? Feeling pain? It meant I was still breathing and my heart was still beating. In spite of the emptiness and numbness, I was still "there."

I knew what I was doing was "wrong" but I didn't see any other options; there was no way out. If your teen, tween, or child is engaging in self-harm, they may be scared and ashamed and feeling overwhelmed and confused. Many who self-injure cannot pinpoint the reason, but want help and may not know how to ask for it or express what they need.

Here are some things every parent should know about self-harm and how they can help their child.

Causes of Self-Harm

Self-injury and self-harm are often viewed as maladaptive coping mechanisms, and there is no one cause. Some people injure themselves as an escape, particularly from feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, fear, grief, sadness, and anxiety. Others cut or burn themselves because they lack alternatives and don't have the means to handle external pressures. And others use self-harm as a form of stress relief. Instead of turning to running, for example, they use injury to release their pain.

"NSSI [nonsuicidal self-injury] is frequently used as a coping mechanism during times of intolerable distress when an individual isn't able to recruit healthier ways of coping," says Deepak Prabhakar, MD, MPH, the chief of medical staff at Sheppard Pratt, a private, nonprofit provider of mental health, special education, substance use, developmental disability, and social services.

"The majority of people say they engage in NSSI to make painful emotions, like sadness or shame, go away. Other people hurt themselves when feeling numb, saying things like, 'I wish I could just feel something.' Some want to make bad things stop, and others punish themselves," says Dr. Prabhakar. "Most people say they cut or do other things to hurt themselves for more than one of these reasons," he adds.

Self-Harm Can Be Addictive

As with other maladaptive behaviors, self-harm can be addictive—particularly if the person who is harming themselves feels relief. "When they realize it helped make them feel better, they may be likely to do this again when upset and overwhelmed," explains psychiatrist Benedicto Borja, MD, in an article for Sheppard Pratt. "Once this pattern starts, it can be difficult to resist the urge to harm unless there is a replacement behavior or therapeutic intervention," he writes.

Research shows that around 17% of adolescents engage in non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI). People who self-injure often do it because they need or want a sense of control and long for salvation and release. If you suspect or even know that your child is injuring themselves—be it through cutting, scratching, burning, or another means—know they are hurting. They are struggling. Something is wrong. They are in pain.

But hope is not lost. Many people can and do gain control of self-harming behavior.

Most People Who Engage in Self-Harm Are Not Suicidal

Despite the fact that cutting, burning, and other forms of self-injury can be suicide methods, most people who self-harm are not suicidal. It is used as a way to manage whatever difficulties are going on in their lives. In fact, some people describe self-harm as a way of staying alive and surviving the challenges they face.

But accidental suicide does happen. "Accidental suicide from cutting too deeply, or other dangerous behaviors, is a big risk," writes Dr. Borja. This risk is one of the many reasons that it's imperative for people who engage in self-harm to seek and receive appropriate care.

Stopping Self-Harm Isn't Easy

Telling someone to "just stop" self-harming or to "knock it off" isn't going to save them, nor is it helpful. They are hurting, and self-harm has become an outlet for them. Stopping is not that simple. Quitting self-harm requires much more than willpower. Rather than berating or shaming your loved one—or offering them an ultimatum—you should be as supportive, patient, and understanding as possible.

"Calmly approach your child in a quiet moment. Be curious and non-judgmental, and let them know that you have noticed some things (cuts, bloody tissues, etc.) that you want to ask about," says Helene D'Jay, MS, LPC, clinical director at Newport Academy, a mental health treatment program for teens and young adults.

"Let your child know that everyone needs coping skills to handle tough emotions, and that although they have found a coping skill that may work for them, there are other ones that can help them even more," adds D'Jay. D'Jay stresses that it's important for parents not to be angry or overly emotional, either. "Be curious and open to hear what they have to say," she says.

You should also remove any and all objects from the house that a child is using to self-harm, or—at the very least—make them difficult to access.

Self-Harm Can Be Treated

The good news is that, while self-harm can be and feel scary, there is both help and hope. Many who injure themselves recover, breaking the cycle in a healthy way.

Parents should speak with their child's pediatrician or another trusted health professional to see what the best form of treatment would be for their child.

There are support services and treatments available, including cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which focuses on building coping strategies and problem-solving skills, and psychodynamic therapy, which helps to identify the problems that are causing distress and leading to self-harm. There are also numerous online resources and support groups, including S.A.F.E Alternatives, The Cornell Research Program on Self-Injury and Recovery, and The Adolescent Self-Injury Foundation.

"Treatment begins with an assessment from a professional, such a psychiatrist or therapist," says D'Jay. "They will determine the root causes of the struggles through a verbal assessment." They will then work with the patient to come up with a treatment plan.