1. Founders announce that the company will have an Advanced Analytics centre of excellence which will solve key business problems with cutting edge technology.
2. Build an advanced analytics team in a company where 99% problems can be solved on excel, with descriptive analytics.
3. Hire a Head of Analytics with 15+ years of work experience on a fat salary.
4. Head of Analytics hires 5 Senior Data Scientist, 7 Data Scientist, 9 Data analyst, 4 data Engineer, 3 Big data engineer and 1 Big data architect. Give them the ancient IBM think pad to work on which has humongous 4 GB RAM.
5. Analytics team have a tussle with IT to get a decent infrastructure. Get mind-boggling 8 GB RAM after 2 months of pleading (begging).
6. Founders have a meeting with Head of Analytics to discuss key problems and make a project roadmap for next quarter.
7. Head of Analytics realizes he fcuked up by joining this company as there is no way he can meet these unrealistic expectations of the founders and make this a billion dollar company in 6 months but he still decides to give it a shot as he just bought an Audi Q5 on EMI.
8. Head of analytics start n number of projects. 9 out 10 of these projects have these three problems — No/Very little Data, No/Very little time, No/very little idea about what we are trying to achieve
9. Founders call out a meeting to review the work done by Analytics COE team in the last 2 quarters. Realize that apart from some automation work and interactive dashboards most of the projects are still in the data preparation stage
10. Head of Analytics starts putting in a lot of pressure on team members. Ask them to stretch their working hours, forget about the family, finish all the social life and complete the projects in 2 weeks.
11. The team gets frustrated. Start looking out for jobs. Smart ones get multiple offers within a few weeks. Put down their papers.
12. Founders call a meeting with Head of Analytics. Tell him that the team is too heavy on the salary part and there is no visible ROI so make a list of non-performers and give them a 2 months notice to leave.
13. Head of Analytics make a list of non-performers i.e. people who are only working 10 hours a day and not working on weekends, and asks them to leave the team. He also wishes them all the best for future endeavours.
14. Step 13 causes panic in team. People start giving interviews on the office floor/cabins. Chain reaction happens. Only 6–7 people remain in the team after a few months.
15. Some team members change the city to work in a similar shitty role. Some choose higher education and think only PhD can bring stability in their career. Some went on to become entrepreneurs and open another me too startup.
16. Founders tell Head of analytics to become an individual contributor or leave the company.
17. Head of Analytics resigns. Become Head of analytics at another startup in Goa.
18. There is no more an Analytics team. Just a couple of analysts working with product managers to run SQL queries and provide reports. They are also working on their resumes.
19. 3–6 months later, Company gets new funding of xxx millions.
20. Founders announces they are building a Machine learning COE. Head of Analytics needed.