6 min read
As if planning a first date weren’t stressful enough, a new expectation for guys has emerged: sending their date an Uber to pick them up. Oh, and it better be an Uber Black! “It’s very weird not to send a car,” declared Madison Campbell, on the social-media platform X, when talking about what she wants for a first date.
Her July 30 post, in which she also said that “every good man I’ve ever been on a date with has sent a car (usually a black one),” became an instant Rorschach test for dating in the app era. Some screamed that demanding such treatment was an immediate red flag, proof that the woman is too entitled. Or, if a dude suggests it, he’s clearly a serial killer in waiting; do you really want a stranger knowing where you live and tracking you? Others called it modern-day chivalry—you absolutely send your date an Uber. Manosphere creeps insisted any guy who does this is a “beta simp.” Of course people called Campbell a “prostitute” and “whore” for having an opinion.
The Great Uber Debate has roiled the straight dating scene at precisely the time when taking a woman out is already an expensive endeavor, especially in cities like New York, where dinner for two or even cocktails can cost hundreds of dollars. What it reveals is the growing divide across America in which some women don’t even want a guy to open a door for them while others embrace the trad-wife trend, opting for complete subservience to their man.
I know, if you’re a single guy, it’s all very confusing. What is the protocol here—has it suddenly become table stakes to send your date an Uber Black to take her to dinner?
The 30-year-old Campbell saw her request as a complete no-brainer. “I don’t see why this is controversial,” the New Yorker posted on X. Campbell, whose start-up creates at-home sexual-assault collection kits, is not dating casually or even for fun. She told me she’s looking for a husband, specifically one who will provide for her. “I know a lot of women today want equality, but I have a different view of marriage,” she said. “I want to serve my husband, and I want him to keep me safe.”
So she looks for clues on first dates to determine whether the man feels similarly.
The conversation should focus on the future. “We need to go through: What do you want your life to be like? Where do you want to live? That way you are not wasting time,” she said. “I don’t want a man who is taking women on five to seven dates per week and looking for quick wins.”
She also expects him to choose a place for the date, pay for dinner, and, of course, get the Uber. It’s about the money. “If you are focusing on something very real and very serious, spending 30 extra dollars is nothing,” she said. But it’s also about the man signifying he cares about her well-being. “If he gets the Uber, it allows him to watch you get to your destination safely,” she explained.
Campbell is one of a growing number of women demanding a man order a car to get to and from a first date. “This was not a thing a decade ago,” said Blaine Anderson, a matchmaker who works with male clients in big cities across the United States. “Now it has gained momentum in cities like New York and Miami. We know because we talk to women about what their ideal date is and what their expectations are.
“They say, ‘He should want to take care of me; he should want to show me that he values my time and values,’ ” she added.
For anyone over 35, who started dating before ride-share apps, offering to pick up your date was expected if you lived pretty much anywhere in America except New York City. And it remains so in most places in the U.S. But what happens in New York and Miami, as unique as those cities might be, often cascades to other communities. In other words, even if you live in Christopher, Illinois—population 2,697—you might soon be expected to send an Uber to pick up your date.
Anderson believes the trend started on Instagram. “It’s the problem with dating nowadays,” she said. “Someone says something, and everyone else is like, ‘I should want that too,’ even though that thought hadn’t crossed your mind until someone else started talking about it.”
Sure, this might seem like the move for, say, your third date. And it might be natural if you’re in a long-term relationship. But what about a first date? If you don’t offer an Uber, does that mean you’ve failed before you’ve even met the woman in person?
Adam Miller, a 40-year-old real estate broker who lives in Manhattan, always tells his first dates he’s sending them an Uber. “Maybe I’m a little old-school, but I think it’s a gentlemanly thing to do,” he said.
But he also insists on going to places on first dates that he likes and knows, not places that are necessarily convenient for his date. “I like to go [to] Lure Fish Bar or La Esquina, where I know the people and I know they are going to give me a good table,” he said. “So picking up a woman to get there makes sense.”
He said a woman has never been shocked by his offer. “I think they just think it’s a nice thing,” he said.
Sheena Butler, a fashion editor in her late 30s, finds the whole car-calling business—both the women asking for it and the men offering it—performative. “It’s this symptom of how tough dating has gotten,” she said. “I have these friends who are like, ‘If he wants to see me, I expect X, Y, and Z,’ like they’re entitled to it.
“For me, if I was struggling to get to a date and he didn’t offer to help out, I would notice that,” she said. “But it isn’t this black-and-white, he-has-to-do-this thing.”
Jorn, a 38-year-old musician who lives in New York City and didn’t want to give his last name, said if a woman asked for an Uber, he would cancel the date. “I don’t think I would want to date a person who expects that, because we have different ideas about relationships and what they are for,” he said. “I like to pay for drinks and be generous, but this feels like a step too far and means they just want a guy to take care of them.
“Luckily I think I avoid most of these women because I’m a musician,” he said, laughing. “They probably wouldn’t be trying to date a musician if they wanted a sugar daddy, so I’m off the hook.”
Laney Tucker, a 35-year-old lawyer in Los Angeles, said she would never want a guy to order her an Uber because she doesn’t want to give out her address. She also said it’s a moot point because most men offer to come to her neighborhood for a first date, which feels chivalrous enough for her.
She also worries that these expectations will make men more hesitant to date and put themselves out there. “If men assume every woman out there is so demanding for a first date before they even know each other, it can deter men from wanting to date,” she said. “I am not trying to get a free meal out of everything. I have a full-on job. I am dating to find my person, to find a connection, not to have someone take care of me.”
At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter who is right and who is wrong, said Anderson. It’s about compatibility. “We have other clients who are totally okay with it. Then we have some men who don’t want a girl with those types of expectations,” she said. “We just have to make sure the men who are okay with it are matched up with the women who want it.”
For me, it’s not about whether a man pays for an Uber. It’s about whether he makes me feel cared about, considered, and respected, and that can come in many forms beyond a comped ride. Little good can come from being so rigid about what you think you want or what you deserve that it doesn’t make you open to connecting with someone. That goes for guys too. But I will take him up on his offer of an Uber home from the date.