What I Give to Work
Things are working out. For the past year, I was working towards a chance to build my own business and to grow multiple opportunities for myself. I also wanted to test out some very specific tech and product ideas that I believed in. This is new for me, believing in my ideas; up until now, I've mostly been interested in realizing the ideas of others.
Since June, I've been working with gentle determination to build a specific business that has been spun out by my previous employer. (I guess they are still my current employer, but under quite different circumstances.) I'm sort of surprised that it seems to be working.
But it costs me.
Everyone gives something to their creative impulse. For me, it's suffering. Over the last week I've experienced a lot of the symptoms that I've had before, but in very sort of a targeted fashion. I don't really want to go into the gory details (I've already done that in my past articles), but just understand that it's very uncomfortable.
When it happens, it's not like I have a clear idea of what is going on, or exactly what I should be doing to regain grace. It's more like little flutterings, whispers in the fog of places that might be better, and long stretches of living, actually living, while trying not to make things worse than they need to be. Personally, I think I'm getting pretty good at it.
This week sucked. I'm doing better today, but I feel like I've just recovered from a terrible flu. Everything hurts and I'm completely drained. It feels appropriate for the change of season, but it would be nice to feel more alive, you know.
I've been through this cycle enough times that I can recognize the pattern, but that doesn't mean that it shows up the exact same way every time. The highs and lows seem similar, but everything else in the middle feels pretty different. Certainly different enough to feel confusing, or to make me doubt that I can handle it. But I've decided to live this way, and I'm not going to stop.
It does mean, though, that I need to focus. This is the thing I'm doing right now, and I can't do more than this while maintaining the rest of my life.
It makes me wonder what parts of themselves that other people give to their work. How does it feel to them? Do they even notice? How much worse is it when it feels out of their influence? (That's certainly how it used to feel to me.)
There's no definitive ending to this piece. It's still in motion, after all. I just wanted to say these things out loud while I'm in it. Because, when I get out, it's pretty easy to forget it ever happened. Which, honestly, I am grateful for.