Thursday night is poker night. A casual game with colleagues. Tonight, I'm sitting in a hand with two others. I consider myself a pro because I've seen the 1998 smash hit Rounders twice. If it taught me one thing, it's this — play the player, not the cards. So instead of focusing on my hand, I listen to the two opponents across from me. Both are saying the same thing — boasting they have the best hand — but I only believe one of the them. If I stop listening and start looking, I can see why.
The player on the left leans back in his chair, relaxed. Hands resting wide either side on the table, open, unguarded and not afraid to take up space. When he speaks, he turns his whole body towards who he's addressing. His movement slow and deliberate. Holding eye contact with ease. He looks comfortable — as if he has nothing to hide.
The player on the right is hunched over, arms crossed tightly — shielding his torso. When he speaks, only his eyes move. They dart up to the person he's addressing, make eye-contact for an instant, then drop back to the table. It's like he's afraid to be seen.
The player on the left is telling the truth. The other is bluffing.
When you talk, the audience takes in more than just your words. They also pick up on your body language. Your words and body need to say the same thing. Otherwise, you create confusion and distrust.
Be a predator, not prey
A prey animal is tense, fast and on edge — always scanning for danger. Projecting fear. A predator is calm and deliberate. It moves slowly and projects safety.
People connect best in an environment that feels safe. Where they can relax and let their guard down. Body language can help create these conditions by:
- Taking a comfortable, relaxed position.
- Positioning your arms in an open position.
- Take your time with how you move and what you say.
- Angle your body towards them and maintain eye contact.
This last point, in addition to showing you're not afraid to be seen talking to them, communicates trust. That they have your focus and your mind isn't somewhere else.
Physical ease leads to mental ease. When your body is open and relaxed, your mind follows. Nerves fade and you speak more freely and honestly. And because feelings are contagious, that calm and openness will often be mirrored back by the person you're talking to.