I'm reading a book called The Coaching Habit so I can coach my team better and specifically make my 1:1s with them more productive. While reading, I came across a quote by Peter Block who defines an adult-to-adult relationship as one in which you are
able to ask for what you want, knowing that the answer may be No and negotiating the difference.
I really like this quote. Saying 'No' is often still a challenge for me. I'm not talking about things like declining a dinner invitation or refusing a customer who's asking for special treatment. In these situations, I don't feel like I'm expected to say yes, so saying 'No' is easy. The challenge arises when there's a conflict and there's a latent expectation to say 'Yes'.
This past month, there's been an ongoing conflict related to the use of the AC at the coffee shop where I and a few others practice yoga. We rent a room on the second floor of this coffee shop from 6am to 8:30am. There are two ACs on the second floor which we keep turned off because the cool air prevents natural sweating and muscles from loosening. However, if the office people arrive before 8:30am, they turn on both ACs while we're in the middle of our practice.
On these days, I've requested them to turn the AC off until we're done, which is usually in 15-30 minutes. One day, I was the only one practicing and I had to tell this to a dozen people outside the room. I will never forget the bugged looks I got back. Eventually their leader protested and we decided that they could turn on the AC further away from the yoga room. The other AC, which blows directly into the yoga room, must remain off. The way I see it, we pay rent till 8:30am, we should be able to control the temperature till 8:30am. This reasoning gave me the courage to negotiate, although I did feel a bit anxious going up against so many. Still, it was easy mode.
The main conflict came a few days later when I entered the coffee shop (I'm usually the first one in) and it was freezing, literally 18 degrees Celsius. Both ACs had been left on all night, which is not uncommon in this wasteful desert paradise. In the past I've just turned them off and opened the windows. But on this day, there was paper taped over both controls saying 'Do not turn the AC off' in all capital letters. This gave me pause. Who wrote it? What's the reason behind it? Lacking context, it felt like a slap in the face.
Even though I didn't know the answers and was cheesed off, my inner voice was saying comply, comply, comply. Avoid conflict. Don't say 'No'. But after some consideration and Peter Block's quote fresh in my mind, I decided to override that voice. I twisted my index finger under the taped paper and turned both ACs off. And I would do it again.
Five minutes into my practice, the caretaker entered my room with a phone in his hand saying someone wants to speak to me. The man on the other end introduced himself as some authority figure and told me to turn the AC back on. He listed some vague reasons, compressor this, compressor that, costs, etc... which is all fine. But then he asked me in an accusing tone, why I turned them off despite the note saying not to. This made my blood boil, though it was easy to hide my emotions behind the phone.
Peter Block would find this question childish. Two adults should be able to ask each other for what they want. They should expect a possible answer to be 'No' and be prepared to negotiate the difference. By taping the paper over the controls without any prior communication, this person didn't give negotiation a chance. And then they expected us to simply follow orders.
I didn't throw Peter Block's wise words back at him but they emboldened me. I simply told him the room is unusable for yoga with the AC on and we've paid rent for the room. After some filler words, he said he'll talk to the owner about terminating the contract and giving a refund. I said fine and hung up.
Had I complied, we would've lost the room AND lost the rent. Saying 'No' opened the floor for a negotiation. Time will tell what actually happens next, whether he'll follow through or backtrack. Whatever happens, it will most certainly be better than a guaranteed unusable room and lost rent.
I think for many of us, saying 'No' is too often not considered as an option. This could be due to the way we were raised or the innate personality we were born with. And it's even harder when we live our lives on autopilot which favors the path of least resistance. Peter Block's quote is a great reminder that between two adults, saying 'No' is always an option and not something to feel weird or anxious about. So next time you're being ask to do something you don't want to, pause, and consider saying 'No' more than you normally would. The other party, assuming they're mature adults, should expect this. And you both should be prepared to negotiate.