Let’s first establish what you are NOT:

You Are Not Who You Think You Are

» You are not your race.
» You are not your gender.
» You are not your clothing.
» You are not your hair color.
» You are not your religion.
» You are not your code.
» You are not your designs.
» You are not your work.
» You are not your job.
» You are not your music.
» You are not your house.
» You are not your car.
» You are not your TV.
» You are not your favorite movie.
» You are not your political party.
» You are not your parenting.

How do you feel about what you are not?

When someone makes an opinionated statement about the political party you associate with, how does it make you feel?

When someone makes a negative statement about something you created, how does it make you feel?

When someone makes a comment about how you need to change your parenting techniques, how does it make you feel?

When someone tells you that your design does not look good, how does it make you feel?

When someone makes an ignorantly incorrect statement about your religious beliefs, how does it make you feel?

When someone says “I don’t know why anyone would like this kind of music” regarding your favorite music, how does it make you feel?

As I am honest with myself about the answer to one or more of these questions that have applied to me in the past, I admit I have felt hurt. At times I felt a desire to lash back, or prove them wrong. And at most times, it would be safe to say, it felt like I had been attacked.

The problem here is that I had identified myself by these things. I had coupled these hobbies, preferences, or beliefs so deeply with my own identity, that when anybody would make a comment or express an opinion against them, the offense of that thing would transfer into feelings that it had been directed against me.

The solution is to remember that you are not these things. Refer once again to the list above. You are not these things.

I have worked to decouple myself from all these things. Some of the harder ones are religion, politics, gender. And you might ask, “how are you not your gender?? it’s not like you can change that.” — and while that is true, (most of the time, and we won’t get into that) you need not be identified by the stereotypes and generalizations of gender.

For example take these blanket statements: “women are too emotional” or “men are oblivious”. I’m sure you had some thoughts arise in your mind around these statements. Let’s say you are a man and you instantly think ’men are not all oblivious. I am not oblivious, I am very aware of what is going on, and what my girlfriend/wife is going through or thinking. Sure some men are oblivious, but not me, do not include me in that group!’ This is your defense mechanism kicking in and retaliating on the statement. When you realize that you are not your gender, you will not always feel lumped in with these blanket statements. You will realize you are the set of characteristics you have built for yourself and not some assumed set of characteristics by common generalizations.

So you are not who you thought you are.

Then who are you? As I said above, you are the set of characteristics you have built for yourself. But what does that mean really? How can we define who we are including these set of characteristics? Here is a favorite quote of mine.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel” — Maya Angelou

Simply put, you are how you make others feel.

All your characteristics that you build for yourself over your life will work together to fulfill this statement.

These characteristics might be compassion, caring for others, being aware of what others around you are feeling, or caring only for yourself. For good or for bad, all your characteristics, decoupled from your gender, race, hobbies, political parties, and religion, work together everyday to make those you interact with feel a certain way.

Remember this

The next time you get into a heated debate over your religion or politics I hope this comes to mind. The person you are interacting with is not likely to remember all of your “points” of argument, or why you’re right and they’re wrong, but will only remember how you made them feel. Decide how you would like that person to remember you, and use everything you know working to help that person feel the way you hope to be remembered.

On the flip side, the next time someone makes a comment about something you have created, like to do, or believe in don’t take it so personally. Remind yourself, that you are not that thing. This will help you to see the other person’s point of view, instead of lashing out irrationally. Then viewing from the other person’s perspective, you can form an objective and rational decision on how to proceed, or not to proceed at all, ultimately allowing you to not have unnecessary ill feelings as well as responding in a way that will avoid generating ill feelings for the other person.

I do not profess to be perfect at this

Although I do fall short, I keep working at this and have noticed great improvement in my happiness and positivity when I remain aware of this principle. Continually making an effort to separate my identity from the things I associate with gives me a clearer picture of who I am. As I begin to see who I am, I also begin to see the gap between who I am and who I want to become, giving me a brighter perspective on how I can get there.

My hope in sharing this is only one to help those interested in this perspective, and hope that if you find it insightful, or helpful in anyway, you might share it with someone else you think would enjoy it as well.