Hell Is Not Having Adequate Gear

So, you’re going to hell. Maybe it’s just on tour

Maybe it’s for a longer period of stay, maybe being midway upon the journey of your life and finding yourself in a dark forest you would like to proceed efficiently through the region and climb out using the giant frozen body of Lucifer as your ladder, who knows.

What I do know is that Illuminati Ganga, and me, Agent 77 are here to help — by providing ways to buy great high quality products that will make your journey better, and more enjoyable in any way possible. The rest of this article will include affiliate product links.

The first thing to keep in mind is that Hell is structured as a massive, inverted cone or funnel with nine concentric, diminishing circles descending into the center of the earth.

This is important knowledge in case you ever get into a position of political power and for some inexplicable reason want to make a giant art project to create hell on earth, because you should follow this basic template

LIMBO

Limbo is pretty boring, lots of hanging around. Nobody likes Limbo, the other parts of hell while technically worse are also more exciting. It’s like those stories about cop work or espionage or anything like that, 90% is mind-numbing boredom punctuated by brief moments of extreme terror. Everybody always romanticizes those brief moments, something about humans and our interests I guess.

So if you are going to be in Limbo I suggest

Electronic Games

The Retroid Pocket Handheld, if you know what you’re doing

If you’re an old who feels weird about gaming stuff, The MiYoo Mini Plus

Also good if this is a family trip, you can actually keep up with your kids on this device.

Board Games

Since you are only using Limbo as a stopping off point before you continue your journey through hell I suggest games with a hellish theme

Books

Of course you could sign up for the delivery of all of Illuminati Ganga’s cursed books

But that is a lot of reading!

So a book that has some underworld connection from us would be The Vaults of Fug! By our very own Agent 6.

Other books of Illuminati Ganga can be see on our Goodreads profile

Also if you are a sensible sort, you may like to get a translation of The Inferno to read, so as to consider your travel itinerary.

As Illuminati Ganga does not at this point have a translation we can recommend two

generally considered authoritative, and

which uses Dante’s Terza Rima rhyme scheme in English, and has a good deal of musicality to the verse.

MUSIC

It can be difficult to get phone connectivity while in hell, so perhaps a portable music player that doesn’t need it.

If however you do have a phone plan that includes connection to the afterworld and is guaranteed you might just want to subscribe to the Hitmagist, Illuminati Ganga’s Spotify profile

And listen to our Complete Playlist!

General Stuff

There are things you. might like to have in lots of different parts of your trip, for example in much of hell you cannot get decent coffee. I know you’re thinking, no duh, but there are plenty of amenities for those not damned and being tortured and you are not in either of those categories, but, well for example, outside of the great city of Dis, there is no decent coffee, so you are going to have to make your own.

This is also great for living on Earth, after a zombie apocalypse or going into the wilderness to escape a fascist dictatorship and hiking all the way to a neighboring country. Whatever flips your lid really.

You may also like to get a nice coffee mug for your trip from the Illuminati Ganga store, this is not really made for travel but it does have some benefits so you might want to get it and keep it around for these benefits.

These mugs are actually big sellers among the upper level devils in the city of Dis, which you will have some time in later

They show Lucifer, tongue hanging out to get your attention. When you are walking around drinking this it really smooths getting through places, it’s the infernal equivalent of a clipboard and a hardhat.

On the back side we have Illuminati Ganga’s famous tongue design! Be drinking with this side facing the most beautiful sinners you can find in the circle of Lust for an experience that you will look back fondly on for many nights once you have returned to the mortal realm.

LUST

Lots of people go to hell just for this level, oh yeah! What do you want with you? Probably some flavored lotions, you may be running into lots of sexy tasty looking people on this level, but remember they are also people drawn from all over the world and throughout human history! Some will be an acquired taste — but with some good flavored lotions and lubes you don’t need to worry about that.

You will also want protection — if you’re a man you don’t want to get somebody pregnant in Hell!! No, the paperwork, don’t even think about going bareback here bro!!

And if you are a woman, are you at all familiar with various Anti-Christ scenarios in popular culture over the last half century!!? No way, use protection!!

However, you should also be aware that the whole area is a pretty disgusting wet and slimy gooey mess, so if you aren’t interested in diving into that you might just want to have some sort of all body protection — which, believe me, is going to be really beneficial on some of these other levels as well

GLUTTONY

People always make the mistake that they think Gluttony is going to be fun and great dining. If only, nope, in fact this is where those rain jackets above are going to come in real useful.

It is full of Icy Mud and Shit, you are not getting a good burger here.

So you better pack your own travel rations, also you may be worn out from Lust, you need to keep your strength up, so EAT!

Be warned, if you start eating around the gluttons try to keep it on the down-low or they will all crawl after you begging for just a taste. Major downer.

Another thing to keep in mind, this level is home to Cerberus, a three headed giant dog that likes to bit people in half and then tear their bodies into little pieces. Not fun! I suggest you have something to distract him with

Nylabone tough dog chew toy’s are just the ticket. Cerberus will love you for it. And then you can scritch his neck and say “who’s a good boy, who’s a goooood boy.. yessshhh”

Who doesn’t like to pet a three headed giant monster dog! This is one of the highlights of hell!!

Greed

This is the level that makes it all worth it! No, really! The level is composed of two types of greedheads, the big spenders, and the hoarders, pushing around gigantic heavy bags full of money, money, money! (SQUEAL!)

It’s the big spenders you want to focus on here, because as they push these bags around they collide with the hoarders, the hoarders yell why do you spend and the spenders yell why do you hoard, but what happens is that the bags lose a bit of money( and then they roll around to the big Demonic Accountant with a fox’s head sitting on the pedestal made of pure gold and marble with a giant T emblazoned on it).

Later on the accountant will send in the dead members of the Trump family to rent seek the money dropped on the ground, and bring it back to him, but if you get there first it’s yours!

Money, money, money! (SQUEAL!)

Obviously what you need in this case is some bags to carry the money in.

First, for the gentlemen may I suggest a nice wallet. to slip some coins in, this may come in handy when you get to the big city now!

My favorite bags are Ortlieb bags, especially for situations where you don’t know exactly how much you will be able to abscond with quickly, if the situation should demand it.

They have a number of bags that fold up really small easily and expand to hold quite a lot, please consider them for your journey through hell!

ANGER

This is the circle of hell in which the Wrathful are in constant battle with each other, and the Sullen sit around wallowing in their own self pity.

Probably you want to dress in a way that lets people know not to mess with you, and Illuminati Ganga has just the shirt you need — Classic BAD!

But looking Bad isn’t enough, I suggest some tools that will also be of use when you get to the circle of Violence, mainly — some Cold Steel Brooklyn Slammer bats

Also great if you get attacked by some guys wearing masks and need to defend yourselves, not just for hell but also hell on Earth!

Pepper Spray with Stun Gun

Note if you are planning on departing for hell from some more civilized regions you might not be able to get these violent products delivered to your location! You should take that into consideration!

Also

Yeah, it’s got hidden UV dye so you can identify the jerk who attacked you on the ICY river Styx. Yup.

Obviously in these trying times ahead (meaning your trip to hell), which is of course a vacation but also, like all good vacations, carries a bit of risk, you may want to bring stronger weapons.

Illuminati Ganga’s Criminal Management Division (CMD) which takes care of all the violence and assassination and unpleasant parts of running a big multinational organization devoted to evil, can issue a strong recommendation for the Walther PD380 for heavier workloads while still maintaining nice concealed carry functionality, or Browning Buck Mark for a nice simple .22 caliber which will still dissuade an overly aggressive demon or other untoward intruders.

Now that that bit of unpleasantness is over, let’s continue with our delightful travelogue of hell!

HERESY

AH Yeah, you have arrived! In The 6th circle of Hell, that of Heresy, encased within the vast and exciting metropolis of Dis!

What a relief to get out of the countryside and all those lusty, gluttonous, greedy, angry losers who populate it!

This is really the model of the modern metropolis, pretty much all the great thinkers and artists of history are to be found here; for example Epicurus who is locked in a fiery tomb for eternity for refusing to believe he would live on after death and focusing on living a happy life. What a creep! Go see him, get a selfie taken, it’s great!

You know this is really the place with all the classic hell tortures, anything involving being burned for eternity, it’s here. You want to get a lot of pictures to post to Insta!

When you’re on the go, moving between all the fantastic sights and experiences available in the greatest city on several dimensions you probably want several things — these are

Comfortable Walking Shoes — there’s a lot of places to go to, you can depend on the municipal transport system, but this is hell so you are going to do at least as much walking as in an average American city if you try that. The Taxis are a bit dangerous and overheated in the city, but driven by colorful characters so you just might be a nice story out of it. But I recommend being ready to walk a lot.

I recommend these, not just because of how comfortable they are but because of how incredibly stable — Dis is the kind of city whose milling crowds will trample you underfoot if you should ever loose your balance and collapse at a bad intersection. Forewarned is forearmed, or in this case Forefooted! Hah, get it?!

Noise Cancelling Headphones — remember this is the place with all the classic hell tortures, people are always shouting and crying and begging here, much like any large city.

Sunglasses — there are a lot of heat-emitting light sources in this town, it is a strain on the eyes.

Water Bottle — remember the main thing here is keep the water cool even though everything, and everyone, is burning up to ashes around it!

VIOLENCE

Now we leave the wonderful city of Dis, and come into the circle of Violence, which deals with Violence against others, Violence against the self (suicide), and Violence against god (making Baby Jesus Cry)

Your weapons that you got earlier to help in the Anger circle should be enough here, in fact the best thing you can get for this circle is something to get you through it quickly without much effort -For this, I recommend a high quality Electronic Scooter

FRAUD

Getting through Violence quickly you enter the realm of Fraud.

The main thing to have here is knowledge, knowledge of how you can get played, and knowledge of when you are getting played.

Take some books on Con Men, con games, and psychological manipulation. I recommend

These people here will try to con you for any of your high class gear, don’t let them have it. You need this stuff to get through Hell!

They will try to con you into switching places with them, they just have to go talk to a friend for a bit, can you step into the lake of feces, why, because demons will notice if there is a drop in the level of feces such as a human climbing out to go talk to their child whom they love and she is just over there, please mister, help a fella out.

Don’t fall for it, it can be difficult to get out, and Illuminati Ganga tours does not accept any liability if you get stuck in hell and tortured for eternity — remember any damages suffered from this trip is your responsibility, so you should do your best not to suffer these damages!

And now that Fraud is taken care of we have

TREACHERY

The Winter Sports Capitol of HELL!

You need high quality cold weather gear, and some sporting equipment.

Jacket, anything by Fjallraven

good socks

thermal underwear

In fact you can probably see where this is going, YES, I am suggesting you should Snowboard down the frozen giant naked body of Lucifer encased in the ICE of the 9th circle of Hell!

Don’t worry about Lucifer, he is too stupid to do anything!

Other holiday sports that you may enjoy, skating alongside all the traitors and nazis buried with their heads just barely sticking out of the ice and hitting them with a hockey stick is a classic!

And you know, slowly but surely more and more people are showing up down in this circle that you may know from your day to day life, or hey, just from your day to day media consumption.

Just think, in a couple years you can take a trip through hell and knock the heads off of some major fascists that are not just historical figures to you, but painfully familiar! Maybe even people who killed or abducted members of your family!

So, in conclusion Hell is a wonderful place to visit and have some great tours that hit all the major hot spots!

Sign up for an Illuminati Ganga sponsored tour now!

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If you would like to support Illuminati Ganga, and who wouldn’t, we’re gosh darn downright lovable! But you don’t have the money for a vacation in hell you can always do all sorts of things like reviewing our books for the Kindle, or following us on various social media platforms. Read the following article for ideas how