I was sitting in front of the screen with my eyes wet, trying not to burst into tears. I was at my first coaching session ever, seeking clarity on my career/business direction. But it didn’t go as expected…
I told the coach that I am burnt out and looking for ways to shake up my career or start a side gig. But I was procrastinating for some reason. I was struggling with impostor syndrome, so my coach asked me what my colleagues were saying about me.
I got thoughtful for a moment and then a bit sad. I said: “Well, they told me I am a great communicator, responsible, a good leader. But it was never about my coding skills..”
She seemed to have suspected something and asked: “What did you like doing the most at your job?”
I stumbled. At first, I couldn’t come up with anything. Then I said something like “Well, I like helping my colleagues.. building aesthetic interfaces..”
She listened to my awkward confession and asked:
“Do you consider yourself a creative person?”
I was a bit confused and genuinely said “I don’t know.. ”
But she insisted. “Have you ever done anything creative?”
“Umm, yeah. I was playing piano and singing in high school. Also acting a bit. Drawing manga. I was DJing and making electronic music in university. I was thinking that I will get a remote job to be able to pursue music production in my free time..”
Then we sat in an awkward silence for a couple of seconds which seemed like an eternity, and finally, she asked:
How did you even get into programming?
That’s when my eyes started filling with tears. My heart was beating like crazy because I felt where this is going and that I am about to hear the truth I knew deep down, but didn’t want to admit.
I remembered 2016, one year before I was about to get my bachelor’s degree in philosophy, two years after Russia first invaded my country. Before that, I didn’t really have a direction in life; I was doing things society expected of me — finish high school, get a scholarship, graduate — and followed my interests instead of being practical. But then reality hit me like a rock.
“Damn, I gotta make money somehow..”
And the situation in Ukraine was getting worse, so I decided that I have to be ready to leave at any moment and build a solid career to support me. I wish I was wrong.
That’s how I came up with a list of requirements for my potential job:
Remote, well-paid in USD, high demand, high chances to get employed abroad, can freelance, requires English.
I thought of myself as an introvert back then so I wanted it to have the least possible human interaction as well.
“I am good at math and languages, a straight-A student. But what do I like doing? Music, photography, reading.. that doesn’t sound like something solid. Hmm.. I like to solve logical riddles. Is that kind of what programmers do?”
And that’s where it started. Being naturally competitive, I enrolled in a Java course and decided to be the best in the group. Learning was tough and fascinating at the same time. Soon after finishing, I got an internship and we built a fun app that was supposed to help people. I was high on my success. I was idealistic and a bit naive.
Then I decided to move to the capital to get more opportunities. I started working hard and applying to jobs. I was excited to build cool things and make a difference. Getting a high check maintained my motivation too — feeling successful, renting a good place, traveling, getting all the cool things was great. But it came at a price.
With every new job, excitement faded more and more, my work felt less meaningful and sometimes I felt like nobody really needs what I’m doing. I abandoned all my hobbies and was too exhausted after work to do anything else than mindlessly binge Netflix. I was not enjoying the process and didn’t have motivation to grow.
I like coding, but don’t like working as a programmer.
Eventually, I just figured that I have talents and interests in different areas, and I am not that good of a programmer, mainly because it’s just not that interesting anymore. But to admit that I’ve built a good career and now want to switch direction and possibly start over was horrifying me.
I achieved my goal of being fully remote, financially secure and being able to live wherever I want. Is that not enough??
I was telling all this to my coach while she was silently nodding and smiling with a hint of triumph in her eyes.
“Congratulations, you have accomplished your mission with this job. It gave you security and freedom you wanted! But it seems like this job is smothering you. And according to what you told me, your strengths are lying in the soft skills. So why do you want to continue doing work and business related to programming?”
I got angry like a cornered animal. “What do you mean why?? My home country is crumbling and I don’t have any other citizenship. I don’t have anywhere to come back to. And I need to save money for retirement. Buy a house. And I want kids and family. And what if someone gets sick..”
I wanted to repeat the standard belief I engraved in my mind:
Software developer career guarantees safety and stability.
But I knew I no longer believed in it. Last year I was laid off without severance. A few months later GPT emerged, threatening to replace engineers. Competition is high and you need to move fast to avoid being left behind. You can absolutely do it if you have genuine interest. Which I don’t have anymore. I can’t push myself to keep going with a programming career just for money. But I also don’t know yet what else I can do and what direction to take.
Nothing is permanent. And nothing can give you any guarantees. At the end of the day you can only rely on yourself.
Is it the story of extreme downshifting where I buy a DJ deck and get lost in Goa? Nah. I am still a responsible adult figuring things out. And bringing to life my old interests which I was ignoring for a long time. But this is the topic of the next article.
Stay true to yourself. ✌️