Press enter or click to view image in full size
Do you want to know how to improve your relationship with your partner? You are not alone! As a psychologist and couples therapist, I think of all of those opening up their hearts, telling me their stories. Stories of loneliness and longing for connection, not seldom wanting the same exact same thing as their partner but just being unable to connect.
Some seek help when they have been experiencing problems for a while, while others come earlier and for more preventive purposes. Some may be experiencing friction, arguments, distance, or conflicts and need help breaking the negative cycle. Others may have gradually drifted apart and eventually wonder if they have anything in common anymore.
The thing is — to almost every story there is the beginning. At some point the relationship was mainly about closeness, connection and beauty.
Not always just easy, of course, but it does seem to me like every client can tell me about at former happy place shared with their partner. So what happens? Why do we let our loved ones slip away? How does our greatest source of joy become our biggest problem? After all, our relationship with our partner is often the most important one in our lives!
My second to fourth best piece of advice
(Keep reading to get to the number one.)
2. The power of small acts of love
Small everyday acts of love are an easy way to bring about positive change in a stagnant relationship. They don’t have to be grand gestures. However, they require an understanding of what your partner needs to feel good and loved. Buy the bread you know she likes the most. Tell him how great he looks in his new sweater. Or give a warm hug in the morning before parting ways.
It can also be about seeing and showing care when things are a bit tougher. Send an encouraging text when you know she has a challenging day at work ahead. Or do the dishes on a day when you notice he’s tired (even if it’s his turn today).
If feels too hard to get started —take a moment when you can observe your partner at a distance, without them noticing. Just let your eyes rest on them for a bit. Then try asking yourself one of these three questions: What do you think your partner is struggling with in their life right now?What does your partner seem to find pleasure or joy in? What does your partner do for you, that brings you pleasure and joy?
3. Embracing Acceptance
Certainly, we want the person we love and have chosen to live with to be themselves and feel seen for who they are. Just as we desire to be loved and accepted unconditionally.
It sounds simple, yet it’s not uncommon for us to try to handle our differences by wanting to change our partner. In practice, life would be so much easier if she could become a little better at planning, or if he could just let go a bit. The risk of trying to change each other is that both of you may feel increasingly stuck in your respective roles or alone in the relationship.
One of the fundamental principles of fostering a strong relationship is acceptance. Acceptance involves acknowledging your partner’s unique qualities, flaws, and vulnerabilities without judgment. Instead of trying to change them, focus on creating an environment of love, understanding, and compassion. But it’s not always that easy! For many, over time, the ways in which we differ create irritation. Paradoxically, these are often the qualities that attracted us in the first place and contribute to the continued attraction. A partner who is different can enrich your life and contribute to a dynamic relationship if you are open to it.
Are there aspects of your partner’s irritating behaviors that could actually have a positive impact on your relationship? Or can you yourself approach your differences in a less distressing way? Focus on what you can do rather than expecting your partner to change.
4. Have fun together
In the early stages of a relationship, we often do a lot of fun things together. We are eager to show our best selves and initiate activities we believe our partner will appreciate. We also feel the desire to do things together just to be in each other’s company. The mere presence of our partner can make doing the dishes suddenly enjoyable! In a more established relationship, what used to be important often takes a backseat again. Changed circumstances in life may require us to prioritize differently. It becomes even more challenging when problems arise in the relationship. In such cases, we are not as inclined to engage in fun or exciting activities together.
Don’t wait for the desire and positive feelings to spontaneously arise! The risk is that you might be waiting for a long time. Make an effort to do things together even when you don’t feel like it. Playing a video game together can work just as well as going away for a weekend; it doesn’t have to be something big. Have a cup of tea and dream about the future. Continue to create shared experiences by trying new activities together.
…and the number one most important
1. Stay curious
You might think you know most things about your partner, especially if you’ve been together for a long time and have been through a lot. It’s human nature to assume that our partner thinks and feels similarly to us, or that we know what’s going on in there.
In the beginning of a relationship, in that happy place of closeness, connection and beauty, we are curious by nature.
But over time, these behaviors tend to decrease. My experience is that one of the real game changers for couples is when they — both or just one of them to start with—reconnect with the sense of curiosity about the other person that used to be there.
Usually, this takes an effort. It means asking questions even when you think you know what your partner is thinking and feeling (not easy). It means listening without immediately expressing your own opinion (even harder!). But I have seen it been done, making a great difference.
Improve your relationship with the app Ally
Improving your relationship with your partner requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to growth. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and the same holds true for relationships.
Do you want more guidance on how to improve your relationship? Try our relationship app, Ally. Me and my partner in crime, Helga Johnsson Wennerdal (also psychologist and couples therapist) built it to make methods and knowledge from couples therapy more accessible for all of you out there.