Inspired by true stories of many engineers at tech companies who are confused and burned out by management. This commonly applies to FAANG and wannabe-FAANG companies*. YMMV.
*Wannabe-faang companies are those that copy FAANG processes and think that these processes will start earning billions in revenue automatically.
Manager [named EM]: Hi Mr. Left Winger, welcome to our performance review for the first half of 2023. How are you?
Left Winger [named IC]: (nervous and smiling) Hi, I’m good. Thank you. 🙂
EM: Before we begin, do you need some refreshments? Water?
IC: (nervous and keen to get going) I’m actually good. Thank you for asking.
EM: Let’s begin. You joined Bonkers FC as a senior Left Winger two quarters ago. How do you feel about your performance thus far?
IC: (armed with information, confident about their work) I feel quite positive about my progress. I began by establishing a strong rapport with the team and my mentor helped me adjust to the new role. As a result, I gained a good understanding of the team’s dynamics, which has contributed to the team’s success in winning games. 😎
EM: (Avoiding eye contact) Great, that’s great. At Bonkers FC, our goal is to become the next FAANG United or Real FAANG. We strive to be one of the best and only seek out the most talented players.
IC: (with a big smile) I joined the team with the goal of achieving success. My aim is for us to win as many games as possible and climb higher up the league table.
EM: Let’s talk about the past two quarters. Have you been keeping track of the goals you’ve scored?
IC: (prepared with numbers) Yes. I scored 7 goals in 15 games. 🚀
EM: Based on the statistics generated by my software, GitMetrics™, it appears that FAANG United Left Wingers score almost a goal per game. However, it seems that you have not been meeting this expectation by a significant margin.
IC: (surprised at the comparison with FAANG United) Isn’t the goal to win as many games as possible? Our team certainly won the majority of the games. 😮
EM: I agree that the team’s success is attributed to multiple factors, and you have undoubtedly played a role in it. However, your personal performance falls short of what is expected.
IC: (Perhaps he doesn’t have the full picture) Aside from scoring 7 goals in 15 games, I also contributed 4 assists. Assisting means that I pass the ball to a teammate who scores the goal instead of me. However, what matters most is that our team emerges victorious.
EM: In GitMetrics™, I noticed that you have 4 assists. While that’s not bad, as a Senior Left Winger, we were hoping for more goals.
IC: (confused) Should I prioritize my own goals over the success of the team?
EM: No, the team must continue to win. Your scoring more goals does not get in the way of the team winning.
IC: (noticing the obvious disconnect between team goals of winning and individual action items of metrics boosting) I apologize for the interruption, but I am curious about the relevance of these individual statistics to our team’s overall performance. Shouldn’t our focus be on winning as a team? 😕
EM: I understand the confusion, and while we may currently be winning, I believe we should strive to become the highest-performing team on GitMetrics™. It’s important for us to surpass our sister teams in terms of statistics.
IC: Boss, it’s not clear why we need to succeed on GitMetrics™ when we are delivering what we set out to deliver.
EM: (can’t disclose the real reason for GitMetrics™ — his own promotion requires squeezing more out of players on the field) Let’s not worry about whats and whys. Let’s focus on your performance.
IC: (confused…) 🫤
EM: I noticed another statistic that may be of interest to you — your pass count is below the team average.
IC: (this must be a joke metric right?) Are you comparing my passing metrics to the team average? It’s important to note that Central midfielders and Central Defenders typically have more passes on average than Left Wingers due to their position on the field. They often receive more passes and have more opportunities to distribute the ball.
EM: Absolutely, at Bonkers FC, we believe in treating all our players equally. Therefore, we expect all players to possess excellent metrics across the board.
IC: (utterly confused) I understand. Perhaps we should revisit our weekly 1:1 meetings where we previously discussed our tactics. During our games, I was instructed to utilize my speed to locate gaps and surpass the defensive line. This required me to move away from the ball and into the gaps. However, in order to increase my number of passes, I would need to abandon this tactic in favor of running closer to the ball instead of into gaps. 🤨
EM: (doesn’t want to get trapped with real logic) It is a performance metric.
IC: But we are still winning, right?
EM: As a senior Left Winger, it is up to you to find ways to boost your pass metrics.
IC: Can you at least help me understand how this will help the team? 😕
EM: Just do it ✔️
IC: (disappointed at the lack of logic) Sure, I’ll take note that I need to increase my passing metrics somehow. 😞
EM: Great. Let’s discuss some peer reviews. What is your relationship like with the left back (LB)?
IC: It’s great! We have an excellent relationship both on and off the field, and we can anticipate each other’s movements. I always make sure to be readily available to him on the pitch.
EM: Yes, he has said good words about you. What I’d like you to do is make him pass to you more often to boost his pass count.
IC: (What is this obsession with pass count 😒) Are you suggesting that I not only move into gaps but also run closer toward the ball and simultaneously, get closer to the left back?
EM: To boost his pass count.
IC: I’m having trouble making sense of what I’m supposed to do on the pitch. If I’m constantly moving around, I will break formation. How will my teammates know where to find me in vital split seconds in the game?
EM: (triggered but need to smile) You just need to do it.
IC: Let me guess, as a Senior Left Winger, I am supposed to figure it out?
EM: Exactly.
IC: ….
EM: Alright, having discussed all that here are the final ratings for you.
Manager-Rating: Needs Improvement, No raises this cycle for you.
EM: Do you have any more questions?
IC: How many people got a “Needs Improvement” rating this cycle?
EM: I cannot tell you exact numbers but you are in the bottom 5%
IC: That looks like you are ranking people
EM: “Stack-Ranking” to be precise.
IC: So, let me get this straight. Even if outcomes are good, people will be stack-ranked according to GitMetrics™?
EM: Kind of but it is not all about the metrics.
IC: (disappointed, but reads between the lines and tries to get a commitment from the manager 😒) Just to be clear, the three things I need to do are:
- Improve my number of goals (note to self: be selfish)
- Move closer to the ball all over the pitch to boost my pass count (note to self: moving into gaps isn’t valued as much as pass count)
- Get Junior LB to pass to me to boost his pass count (note to self: Just get this guy to pass to me)
EM: Sounds like a great summary. See you around! 🙌
6 months later
Lately, the team seems to be lacking coordination, displaying more selfish behavior, and losing more games. Fans are furious, leading to a decline in ticket sales.
The manager’s boss is putting the heat on the manager to improve team performance. Manger’s boss looks at GitMetrics™ and asks the manager to identify outliers.
EM: Hi Mr. Left Winger, welcome to our performance review for the second half of 2023. How are you today?
IC: (nervous and smiling) Hi, I’m good. Thank you. 😬
EM: Before we begin, do you need some refreshments? Water?
IC: (Deja Vu) I’m actually good. Thank you for asking.
EM: Alright, let’s get started. In the last 6 months, you have scored an impressive 12 goals in 15 games.
IC: I took your suggestion to heart and focused on being more self-centered when it comes to scoring goals. It did lead to an increase in my goal count compared to previous matches. However, it’s disheartening that our team isn’t winning as much as we should be, even though this has been my best 6 months yet.
EM: I understand your disappointment. I would like to discuss your number of assists. According to GitMetrics™, it appears that you did not have any assists in the last six months.
IC: (Here we go again) I followed your advice and prioritized getting goals for myself. 🙄
EM: I understand. It appears that the root cause of your underperformance is the number of assists.
IC: (perplexed) I’m a bit confused about being called an underperformer. I actually scored a significant number of goals, which was exactly what you requested from me. 😕
EM: Having a low number of assists on GitMetrics™ is not ideal. Additionally, it seems that your colleagues have expressed difficulty in locating you when they need your help.
IC: (pulls up last performance review notes) In my previous performance review, you suggested that I move closer to the ball in order to increase the number of passes I make. It will obviously cause difficulty in locating me because I am not always in formation.
EM: The objective is not only to increase the number of passes but also to use them as evidence of your performance at work, demonstrating that you are performing at your highest level.
IC: I’m having trouble comprehending. If I maintain formation, I won’t be able to approach the ball to make more passes. However, if I move closer to the ball to increase passes, I won’t be able to stick to formation. It seems like a deadlock.
EM: You have to figure it out…
IC: …as a senior Left Winger?
EM: It’s great that we’re both in agreement. I wanted to share some positive feedback about Junior LB — his pass counts have noticeably improved.
IC: I worked hard to get him to pass to me.
EM: Great! So here’s your rating:
Manager’s rating: Needs improvement. No raises this year.
IC: (frustrated) Wait, didn’t I fulfill all of your requests and then some? Didn’t I score more goals, increase my pass count, and even influence Junior LB to increase his pass count? 😑
EM: But the team is losing. So this is how it is going to be.
IC: So why wasn’t I told that I am heading in the wrong direction in our weekly 1:1s? What is the point of 1:1s?
EM: You are expected to know all this.
IC: And how am I expected to know all this without knowing which GitMetrics™ are being used this review cycle?
EM: (shrugs) 🤷🏻
IC: (furious) Hold on a moment! In the last cycle, even though my contributions helped the team win, I received low ratings. You instructed me to alter my tactics to improve individual metrics, which negatively impacted the team. Doesn’t this reflect poorly on your leadership? It seems unfair that you take credit for our victories but avoid responsibility for our losses. 😡
EM: I am taking a loss. I am getting a poor rating from my own manager.
IC: But why should your poor rating trickle down? How is it the team’s failure?
EM: (mega-triggered) It seems that you are not providing the necessary support to the management. As a result, I am placing you on a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP). 😤
IC: Now what is this new jargon?
EM: You have been placed on a Performance Improvement Plan, where HR and I will provide a detailed list of tasks for you to complete within the next month. It is important to successfully meet these goals as failing to do so may result in termination.
IC: (bewildered, no comments) 🤬
2 Days later
HR: (cheerfully)Hi there! I have a list of tasks for you to complete within a month that will help you improve. It’s a realistic and generous set of goals to work towards. Let’s get started! 💃🏻
- Score 5 goals in the next 3 games
- Increase pass count by 50%
IC: If I understand correctly, I was placed on a PIP not due to my own performance, but because the GitMetrics™ being measured did not result in successful outcomes for the team. I am unsure how continuing to focus on the same metrics will lead to improvement.
HR: (continuing to be cheerful) This is what your manager sent to me. 💃🏻
IC: (sees that these are unrealistic goals and realizes that he is being set up for failure) If I successfully meet these objectives, but the team still doesn’t perform well, what will be the consequences? Will the manager be held accountable for their shortcomings?
HR: The final call is still your manager’s to make.
IC: But the team will continue to lose….
HR: (cheerfully) We only hire and retain the best! 💃🏻