Recognizing my depression was a long journey. Creating this game to share that experience with others came more naturally, once I understood what I was feeling.
> Play ‘The Depression Game’ here
This “game” represents my personal experience with what society labels as depression,” though for me, I would say it’s more philosophical. I would rather describe it as the consequence of confronting life’s meaninglessness without turning away.
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The “how” in creating this “game” is quite straightforward in hindsight. I simply translated how I experience daily life, particularly the aspects that make existence almost unbearable. For me, life very much is:
- An overall unstimulating and unexciting journey
- An inescapable path that cannot be skipped or shortened
- A reality that isn’t just “feeling” meaningless, but genuinely is meaningless for me
- Not terrible in terms of severe physical pain or objectively awful circumstances
The game mechanics reflect this experience: Each round displays 20 letters, then one letter is quietly read aloud. You earn one point by selecting the correct letter, with no time constraints or penalties for mistakes.
The design deliberately prevents you from “checking out” mentally. It demands just enough focus to keep you present, while simultaneously offering nothing intellectually stimulating. It’s genuinely, profoundly boring. And you can’t multitask by watching television or listening to other content because the audio is intentionally difficult to hear. There’s no goal to achieve, no time pressure, and no meaningful challenge. It’s by no means terrible.
With this all in mind. I want you to know that my life is objectively good by almost all conventional standards. I have many friends, enjoy a well-paying job, have various hobbies, and has generally been lucky in life. Yet despite these external positives, I fundamentally don’t want to be here. Most days feel like playing this game, empty and tedious. All while those around me continually try to make me ‘find meaning’ or ‘appreciate life’s beauty.’ And they of course mean the very best by that.
I do experience moments of joy, but they’re vastly outweighed by this pervasive existence. I’ve reached a point where I continue living for others, as if I was I was playing this game for them.
Now, try to play this game for 10 minutes, then imagine your existence to a large degree feeling like that throughout your lifetime no matter what you do. For me, this quite accurately captures my existence, a state I don’t expect to escape until I finally find peace.
I’m also genuinely interested in your thoughts after trying this experience. Does it resonate with your understanding or experience of depression?