I know no one will bother to read this, but this post resonates with me for quite a few of the wrong reasons and I feel the need to type this up, even if it's only for myself. Around eight years ago I wanted to gain around 200 points USCF. That's all I would have needed to make NM. I hadn't really practiced much other than playing at lot online and in a fair number of scholastic youth tournaments and sometimes looking at openings or casually analyzing my games after or maybe watching a few kingscrusher or chessnetwork analysis videos on youtube. I'd never read a chess book, and had only probably done a few hundred tactics. I'd played thousands and thousands of games though online and gotten fairly decent so my rating was almost 2000 USCF at the time. I figured if I started studying openings, reading and learning endings, and doing puzzles I'd be able to make it there.
I didn't really have regular rated games though as it would usually be a youth tournament every month or three, in the past, although I'd often take breaks and it had been more than 6 months since my last tournament. I decided to join a club where I could pay two dollars for two games of 75+15 at a local club. It didn't have a crazy number of players, but enough people with enough variety that there were always a dozen or so people I could be facing within a hundred points or two of my rating on any given night. Everyone switched up openings though fairly often, myself included, so things never felt stale and you could never prepare too specifically for a particular player.
So I set a routine. I would spent three hours on each of the two weekend days I had basically open anyways at the time. One on openings, one endings, and one on tactics. It was a modest training schedule but before I'd been doing nothing so I figured that it would be better than that. But six months later I noticed absolutely nothing had changed. I was still blundering in the exact same careless ways in my otb games.
So I changed to focusing less on openings and endings and more on tactics. I spent five hours on each of those days now and upped my tactics from one hour to three. Since my blunders were often elementary and not complicated tactical sequences I did one hour of basic puzzles and two hours of advanced puzzles. I made sure to attempt to try my best visualize everything and double check it all before checking for a solution each and every time. But again I saw no improvement after months of this. My games still came down to whether I overlooked a move at some random point or not. If I didn't miss something critical I typically beat opponents at my skill level. If I did, I would typically lose. Usually these would be things like missing that a piece or pawn was hanging or completely missing moves that should have been candidates. No matter how long I spent double checking it would still happen.
So I changed again. I went to trying to visualize things in my head and spent 30 minutes trying to play through a different game from notation in my head every day of the week. I wanted to be able to fully visualize a chessboard as I've never been able to do that. I can only ever see bits and pieces even if I "know" the entire position. I would try to visualize the board and guess the next move from master games. I would attempt to calculate lines and variations if my move differed to understand why. I did this with at least one game for at least 30 minutes every day of the week thinking this might be the answer. That I might at least see some improvement. I was in college at the time, and this focus was starting to seriously impact my studies, but I really wanted to do this. To show I was capable of growth and improvement.
I even met with a half dozen titled chess coaches during this time. Often for four or five lessons before I'd get frustrated as there didn't seem to be any magic advise I was missing. Game analysis of my losses always ended with some variation of "just make sure to double check all your options and your opponents options" since there was really no other way to explain my failings. There were other issues with my play of course, but this is fundamentally what was always the deciding factor in my games. Training suggestions would be to do more tactics, which I was already doing to no apparent success. When it became apparent that there was nothing more they would offer me in lessons than that I would quit and move on to the next "coach", hoping for a miracle piece of advise or some new training exercise that could actually improve my visualization or memory or reduce my carelessness or really fix any of my problems.
As a result for all this work what did I get? My rating slowly started dropping. I figured it would likely be temporary as I was trying to switch the way I thought about chess, but after a year of the above regimen I was growing even more frustrated as my rating was still at around 100 points below where it was prior to starting this whole endeavor. I ended up throwing myself further into training. I had to show that I was capable of some improvement by way of hard work and studying. I wanted to improve in some way. It was infuriating and became an obsession. I dropped out of college and spent hours a day focusing on studying chess. I played and studied more than I ever had in my life. Nearly every day was at least six hours of chess. I had no job, no responsibilities, and I was burning through my college fund but I didn't care. I just had to prove I could grow.
During that time, roughly a year and around two and a half years after I started this journey, I never got my rating back up to where I started. I was still losing in the exact same ways of just completely missing one move threats from myself or my opponent. Every new thing I learned would seem to push an old thing out. I was playing 2 rated games of 75+15 every week just as I had been since the start and couldn't even get back to where I started. Eventually I feel into a deep depression and was only going through the motions of training. Still spending the time and slowly killing my future and letting my living conditions continue to deteriorate. My rating dropped more than 100 points and I wasn't even able to maintain a rating of over 1800.
I quit competitive play at that point. My mental and financial condition was in tatters. I had failed at every turn and my self esteem was at an all time low. I'd made and deleted dozens of accounts across the web by that point and would continue to do so. I was offered a light out when my parents forgave me and let me have a chance to move in with them and go to community college to try to get my life back on track. I knew I had to accept it. I did the bare minimum to get by in my classes and even though I thoroughly realized how destructive my obsession with chess had become and that it hadn't brought me joy in years I kept playing online throughout this time period even though I didn't study much anymore. I would play for several months and then get angry and delete the account only to open a new one a day or two later. My online ratings were stable at least, but again, nothing improved, not that I was expecting it to now that I had more or less given up studying chess to try to get my life back somewhat it order. Around three years later I had an associates degree and a job that would be enough for me to live comfortably. I wouldn't be rich or able to eat out regularly or vacation really, but I would be able to provide for myself and have a roof above my head.
I had kept playing online throughout this. My rating had of course stayed the same. I hadn't played over the board in around three years at that point. Foolishly I decided to try it again now that I was more stable financially and mentally. I was curious where I was at after all this time. I went and played in three or so tournaments that went disastrously and my rating dropped to around 1700 before I gave up on that. It was around that time that I made this account I have now. I had been in the 2400 bullet range on lichess in the 1+0 autopairing for a while. Sometimes I would poke my head up into the 2500s and sometimes I would drop down into the 2300s, but I had never made it to 2600. I stated that I would not go down the rabbit hole I did before but would keep playing on this account see if I could someday hit this goal and I would try to focus as best as I could during my games. Rating inflation was happening on lichess in part at least due to covid. I figured even if I didn't improve eventually this would mean I would fluke my way up there simply based on statistical variance and rating inflation. I could lie to myself and say it was possible for me to improve in this at least even if I couldn't in classical chess even if it was only rating inflation in reality. It would be at least a sliver of pride for my chess efforts and I could close the door on the chess chapter of my life.
When I would get a high rating I would play casual games to see how I was playing on that day and only actually play if I was in good form. One day I hit 2552 before falling back down and on July 26, 2023, I hit 2599.6 before falling back down. This infuriated and invigorated me for several months. One more win and I could have actually achieved a goal I set. Something that hadn't happened in over 7 years at this point. I would keep going and played quite a bit more than I should have for months after this but never got back to this. And in Jun of 2024 I gave up. It can be seen in my rating as well. I've stopped really even trying in most of my games. I still play because it's become so ingrained in my identity, but I haven't enjoyed chess in ages. Ever since roughly a year after I started this quest to, for once in my life, set and accomplish a goal that took real work and mental growth rather than just going through the motions over and over. My ability to visualize is worse than ever now, as is my memory. I was never able to visualize more than maybe a quarter of the board at any given time effectively. I still blunder in just as stupid of ways just now more often than ever. And my reaction time is around 25ms slower.
I have failed in every single regard with chess. Everyone said that with hard work and effort over enough time I'd see at least some improvement. That everyone was capable of growth at least to some degree. I am here to say that I am not. Most people may able to. Most people may have some form of hope for improving their chess. But I don't. No matter what types of training or exercises I did, what I read, what I studied, none of it made any difference. I may not have been "optimally" studying, but keep in mind I had done next to nothing in regards to studying prior, so anything should at least help a bit. I nearly ruined my life based on this promise and it took me years to realize and admit to myself that I'm simply defective in whatever method of growth most people must posses. I still have no idea what about my brain is flawed in such a way. I haven't been diagnosed with anything when I was seeing a therapist for around two years or had any apparent learning disabilities that seem to have effected anything else in my life. But I think that's partially why I was so strongly against thinking I was incapable of improvement and why it destroyed my ego and self esteem so much. I wish anyone who made it this far into my wall of text the best of luck and encourage them to continue their chess journey, but please don't believe posts like this that make the impossible seem possible and that you just "aren't trying hard enough". Not everyone is really capable of meaningful improvement with enough work, as pretty of an idea as that might be.
I know no one will bother to read this, but this post resonates with me for quite a few of the wrong reasons and I feel the need to type this up, even if it's only for myself. Around eight years ago I wanted to gain around 200 points USCF. That's all I would have needed to make NM. I hadn't really practiced much other than playing at lot online and in a fair number of scholastic youth tournaments and sometimes looking at openings or casually analyzing my games after or maybe watching a few kingscrusher or chessnetwork analysis videos on youtube. I'd never read a chess book, and had only probably done a few hundred tactics. I'd played thousands and thousands of games though online and gotten fairly decent so my rating was almost 2000 USCF at the time. I figured if I started studying openings, reading and learning endings, and doing puzzles I'd be able to make it there. I didn't really have regular rated games though as it would usually be a youth tournament every month or three, in the past, although I'd often take breaks and it had been more than 6 months since my last tournament. I decided to join a club where I could pay two dollars for two games of 75+15 at a local club. It didn't have a crazy number of players, but enough people with enough variety that there were always a dozen or so people I could be facing within a hundred points or two of my rating on any given night. Everyone switched up openings though fairly often, myself included, so things never felt stale and you could never prepare too specifically for a particular player. So I set a routine. I would spent three hours on each of the two weekend days I had basically open anyways at the time. One on openings, one endings, and one on tactics. It was a modest training schedule but before I'd been doing nothing so I figured that it would be better than that. But six months later I noticed absolutely nothing had changed. I was still blundering in the exact same careless ways in my otb games. So I changed to focusing less on openings and endings and more on tactics. I spent five hours on each of those days now and upped my tactics from one hour to three. Since my blunders were often elementary and not complicated tactical sequences I did one hour of basic puzzles and two hours of advanced puzzles. I made sure to attempt to try my best visualize everything and double check it all before checking for a solution each and every time. But again I saw no improvement after months of this. My games still came down to whether I overlooked a move at some random point or not. If I didn't miss something critical I typically beat opponents at my skill level. If I did, I would typically lose. Usually these would be things like missing that a piece or pawn was hanging or completely missing moves that should have been candidates. No matter how long I spent double checking it would still happen. So I changed again. I went to trying to visualize things in my head and spent 30 minutes trying to play through a different game from notation in my head every day of the week. I wanted to be able to fully visualize a chessboard as I've never been able to do that. I can only ever see bits and pieces even if I "know" the entire position. I would try to visualize the board and guess the next move from master games. I would attempt to calculate lines and variations if my move differed to understand why. I did this with at least one game for at least 30 minutes every day of the week thinking this might be the answer. That I might at least see some improvement. I was in college at the time, and this focus was starting to seriously impact my studies, but I really wanted to do this. To show I was capable of growth and improvement. I even met with a half dozen titled chess coaches during this time. Often for four or five lessons before I'd get frustrated as there didn't seem to be any magic advise I was missing. Game analysis of my losses always ended with some variation of "just make sure to double check all your options and your opponents options" since there was really no other way to explain my failings. There were other issues with my play of course, but this is fundamentally what was always the deciding factor in my games. Training suggestions would be to do more tactics, which I was already doing to no apparent success. When it became apparent that there was nothing more they would offer me in lessons than that I would quit and move on to the next "coach", hoping for a miracle piece of advise or some new training exercise that could actually improve my visualization or memory or reduce my carelessness or really fix any of my problems. As a result for all this work what did I get? My rating slowly started dropping. I figured it would likely be temporary as I was trying to switch the way I thought about chess, but after a year of the above regimen I was growing even more frustrated as my rating was still at around 100 points below where it was prior to starting this whole endeavor. I ended up throwing myself further into training. I had to show that I was capable of some improvement by way of hard work and studying. I wanted to improve in some way. It was infuriating and became an obsession. I dropped out of college and spent hours a day focusing on studying chess. I played and studied more than I ever had in my life. Nearly every day was at least six hours of chess. I had no job, no responsibilities, and I was burning through my college fund but I didn't care. I just had to prove I could grow. During that time, roughly a year and around two and a half years after I started this journey, I never got my rating back up to where I started. I was still losing in the exact same ways of just completely missing one move threats from myself or my opponent. Every new thing I learned would seem to push an old thing out. I was playing 2 rated games of 75+15 every week just as I had been since the start and couldn't even get back to where I started. Eventually I feel into a deep depression and was only going through the motions of training. Still spending the time and slowly killing my future and letting my living conditions continue to deteriorate. My rating dropped more than 100 points and I wasn't even able to maintain a rating of over 1800. I quit competitive play at that point. My mental and financial condition was in tatters. I had failed at every turn and my self esteem was at an all time low. I'd made and deleted dozens of accounts across the web by that point and would continue to do so. I was offered a light out when my parents forgave me and let me have a chance to move in with them and go to community college to try to get my life back on track. I knew I had to accept it. I did the bare minimum to get by in my classes and even though I thoroughly realized how destructive my obsession with chess had become and that it hadn't brought me joy in years I kept playing online throughout this time period even though I didn't study much anymore. I would play for several months and then get angry and delete the account only to open a new one a day or two later. My online ratings were stable at least, but again, nothing improved, not that I was expecting it to now that I had more or less given up studying chess to try to get my life back somewhat it order. Around three years later I had an associates degree and a job that would be enough for me to live comfortably. I wouldn't be rich or able to eat out regularly or vacation really, but I would be able to provide for myself and have a roof above my head. I had kept playing online throughout this. My rating had of course stayed the same. I hadn't played over the board in around three years at that point. Foolishly I decided to try it again now that I was more stable financially and mentally. I was curious where I was at after all this time. I went and played in three or so tournaments that went disastrously and my rating dropped to around 1700 before I gave up on that. It was around that time that I made this account I have now. I had been in the 2400 bullet range on lichess in the 1+0 autopairing for a while. Sometimes I would poke my head up into the 2500s and sometimes I would drop down into the 2300s, but I had never made it to 2600. I stated that I would not go down the rabbit hole I did before but would keep playing on this account see if I could someday hit this goal and I would try to focus as best as I could during my games. Rating inflation was happening on lichess in part at least due to covid. I figured even if I didn't improve eventually this would mean I would fluke my way up there simply based on statistical variance and rating inflation. I could lie to myself and say it was possible for me to improve in this at least even if I couldn't in classical chess even if it was only rating inflation in reality. It would be at least a sliver of pride for my chess efforts and I could close the door on the chess chapter of my life. When I would get a high rating I would play casual games to see how I was playing on that day and only actually play if I was in good form. One day I hit 2552 before falling back down and on July 26, 2023, I hit 2599.6 before falling back down. This infuriated and invigorated me for several months. One more win and I could have actually achieved a goal I set. Something that hadn't happened in over 7 years at this point. I would keep going and played quite a bit more than I should have for months after this but never got back to this. And in Jun of 2024 I gave up. It can be seen in my rating as well. I've stopped really even trying in most of my games. I still play because it's become so ingrained in my identity, but I haven't enjoyed chess in ages. Ever since roughly a year after I started this quest to, for once in my life, set and accomplish a goal that took real work and mental growth rather than just going through the motions over and over. My ability to visualize is worse than ever now, as is my memory. I was never able to visualize more than maybe a quarter of the board at any given time effectively. I still blunder in just as stupid of ways just now more often than ever. And my reaction time is around 25ms slower. I have failed in every single regard with chess. Everyone said that with hard work and effort over enough time I'd see at least some improvement. That everyone was capable of growth at least to some degree. I am here to say that I am not. Most people may able to. Most people may have some form of hope for improving their chess. But I don't. No matter what types of training or exercises I did, what I read, what I studied, none of it made any difference. I may not have been "optimally" studying, but keep in mind I had done next to nothing in regards to studying prior, so anything should at least help a bit. I nearly ruined my life based on this promise and it took me years to realize and admit to myself that I'm simply defective in whatever method of growth most people must posses. I still have no idea what about my brain is flawed in such a way. I haven't been diagnosed with anything when I was seeing a therapist for around two years or had any apparent learning disabilities that seem to have effected anything else in my life. But I think that's partially why I was so strongly against thinking I was incapable of improvement and why it destroyed my ego and self esteem so much. I wish anyone who made it this far into my wall of text the best of luck and encourage them to continue their chess journey, but please don't believe posts like this that make the impossible seem possible and that you just "aren't trying hard enough". Not everyone is really capable of meaningful improvement with enough work, as pretty of an idea as that might be.