I tried searching for reasons/solutions as to why Windows 11 is so sluggish overall as an OS, nevertheless I kept running into “tech troubleshooting” articles/blogs/videos floating around the cesspool of Google's unhelpful query of septic search results that doesn't actually address the issue of why Windows 11 is so slow. The majority of posts I’ve encountered, have the same regurgitated bogus pseudo helpful hints & tips that every other Tom, D ick, and Harry posts to their backyard tech blogs. Those very same “tech troubleshooting” guides have been in circulation since the era of Windows 95. Nonetheless, they all go a little something like this:
Step 1: Did you restart your computer?
Step 2: Did you run Windows update?
Step 3: Did you run an antivirus scanner?
Step 4: Did you close nonessential background apps?
Step 5: Did you check for program updates?
Step 6: Did you run the disk drive file cleaner?
Step 7: Rinse & Repeat…
Step 8: *Sighs*
Step 9: You’ve also realized that the author of the tech blog is generating ad revenue by regurgitating hearsay info...
Step 10: You realize this is some bull feces.
Step 11: It’s always your fault...You did something wrong...You’re not using the OS “correctly” ...
Step 12: Reinstall Windows 11 (Which is exactly why we are in Tech Limbo with Steps 1-11!)
Windows 11 is slow because… well… Windows 11 is SLOW! It really is that simple of an answer! I've just realized this, and I've come to terms with it. That doesn't mean I enjoy it...
It’s LAGGY, BUGGY, GLITCHY, NON-RESPONSIVE, and BEHAVES AS IF STILL IN BETA TESTING! The UI responsiveness is horrendous. The Windows Universal Platform feels like an old buffering Java applet from the late 90’s! It is cringeworthy at multitasking. It cannot accommodate more than one running app at a time without the apps crashing, or being halted to the speed of a turtle. The OS itself feels like a ginormous bloatware program struggling to navigate its own menus. While moving the mouse & typing on the keyboard, it feels as though I’m being rerouted into a VPN domain while remoting into a terminal via a virtual machine!
Why does Windows 11 bear that moody goofy feeling to traverse and operate? It almost feels as though I'm steering a boat on unsettled water. Even with the latest updates, Windows 11 still has the same sluggish feel as it did when it initially launched. I've tested it on multiple PC hardware configurations, and I've come to the conclusion that it's actually developed to be lethargic and lackadaisical!
Within the past year, I’ve read/watched so many ridiculous articles, blogs, videos claiming to fix these issues. The actual issues aren’t being addressed. They’re nothing more than a copy & paste OS troubleshooting guide from the days of Windows 95/98SE. Until we can determine why these issues are unresolved, I’ve decided to introduce my own troubleshooting tech guide (mind you, which is just as good, if not better, than what anyone else has already suggested). These "Pro Tips" will work in no particular order. In fact, this is the very same "Advanced Pro Tech Guide" that I troubleshooted Forza Horizon 5 on PC the day it launched! So without further ado:
*** Warning/Disclaimer: Spoof Ahead ***
* Click Your Heels Together Three Times And Say: "There's no place like home"
* Preheat Your Oven To 350 Degrees Fahrenheit
* Take A Shower Using Soap For Sensitive Skin
* Change Clothing (Preferably moisture wicking material)
* Brush Your Teeth With A Dentist Approved QVL Soft Toothbrush
* Switch Brand Of Toothpaste Calibrated For Enamel Shield Protection
* Refinance Your House
* Move To A Different Location (Wait about 5 minutes, if unhelpful then move again)
* Run Hot Water Through All Faucets Simultaneous for 5 Minutes (If unhelpful, then run cold water for 5 minutes. Rinse & Repeat)
* Divorce Your Spouse (Stay single if this solution works, if unhelpful then remarry or find someone else)
* Go For A Walk (If unhelpful, then go for a jog. Complete 3 laps then rest for 5 minutes.)
* Eat Greek Yogurt
* Switch To Gluten Free Foods
* Ask For A Raise (If this is unhelpful, then ask for a pay reduction)
* Switch Careers
* Take A Bath & Soak In Epsom Salt
* Install Windows 98, Then “UPGRADE” To Windows ME
* Check To See If There Is a Bootable Floppy Disk In Your A: Drive
* Disable The Windows 11 Operating System: Command Prompt C:\ RUNNOFT
*** Spoiler Alert ***
^ If the above aforementioned ("Advanced Pro Tech Guide") did not resolve any of the issues that you are experiencing, then join the club! Welcome aboard!