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"Senator, we run ads. Also, we run this programming language now." Z#
What is Zuck#?
Zuck# is a PHP-inspired esoteric programming language that captures the true essence of moving fast and breaking things. Every keyword has been carefully designed to reflect the values of modern social media: privacy invasion, congressional hearings, and pivoting to whatever's trending.
STEAL_DATA $your_secrets = "everything"; STEAL_DATA $engagement = 9001; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Harvested: " . $your_secrets . "\n"; PIVOT_TO_VIDEO ($engagement > 0) { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Your attention has been monetized!\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Engagement level: MAXIMUM\n"; } PIVOT_TO_METAVERSE { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Time to rebrand!\n"; } END_PIVOT
Why Zuck#?
Move Fast
Our MOVE_FAST loops execute before you can say "congressional subpoena".
Break Things
Every loop ends with BREAK_THINGS. It's not a bug, it's company culture.
Data Harvesting Built-In
Variable assignment is called STEAL_DATA. We believe in transparency about our intentions.
Enterprise-Grade Excuses
Error handling uses BLAME_RUSSIA and TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY (but not really).
Unlimited Memory
We have data centers. Memory is unlimited. Just like your scroll time should be.
100% Human-Written
This language was created by humans. We are definitely humans. *blinks manually*
Installation
PHP
Requires PHP 8.1+
Because we need the latest features to harvest your data efficiently.
git
Clone from GitHub
The classic approach
AVAILABLE
composer
Composer Global
composer global require
SOON
docker
Docker
Containerized harvesting
AVAILABLE
git clone https://github.com/jayzalowitz/zucksharp.git cd zucksharp chmod +x bin/zuck ./bin/zuck examples/hello.zuck ./bin/zuck ./bin/zuck --debug examples/fizzbuzz.zuck
Docker Installation
Prefer containers? We've got you covered. Your data stays isolated... sort of.
docker build -t zucksharp . docker run --rm zucksharp examples/hello.zuck docker run --rm -it zucksharp docker-compose run zuck examples/hello.zuck docker-compose run test
Try Zuck# (Interactive Playground)
Write code below and click "HARVEST" to see what happens. Your code is safe with us. Trust us.
// Output will appear here after harvesting...
Complete Keyword Reference
Every PHP keyword, reimagined for maximum engagement. Use the search to find what you need.
| if | PIVOT_TO_VIDEO | Remember when video was the strategy? |
| elseif | PIVOT_TO_REELS | Then Reels happened |
| else | PIVOT_TO_METAVERSE | The current pivot |
| endif | END_PIVOT | Done pivoting (for now) |
| while | MOVE_FAST | The motto |
| endwhile | BREAK_THINGS | The other half of the motto |
| for | GROWTH_HACK | Gotta get those DAUs |
| endfor | PLATEAU | Growth has limits (allegedly) |
| foreach | HARVEST_USERS | Iterate through your userbase |
| endforeach | USERS_HARVESTED | Done harvesting |
| switch | A_B_TEST | Test all the variants |
| case | VARIANT | One possible path |
| default | CONTROL_GROUP | The baseline |
| break | RAGE_QUIT | Exit the loop angrily |
| continue | SCROLL_PAST | Skip to next iteration |
| $var = | STEAL_DATA | Honesty is the best policy |
| const | IMMUTABLE_LIKE_MY_HAIR | Some things never change |
| array | SOCIAL_GRAPH | It's all connected |
| string | STATUS_UPDATE | What you're thinking |
| int | DAILY_ACTIVE_USERS | The only number that matters |
| float | STOCK_PRICE | Fluctuates wildly |
| bool | FACT_CHECK | True or false (mostly false) |
| true | CONNECTED | Facebook's whole thing |
| false | DISCONNECTED | The opposite |
| null | MYSPACE | Dead and empty |
| global | WORLDWIDE_EXCEPT_CHINA | Almost global |
| function | FEATURE | Ship features |
| return | IPO | The ultimate return |
| class | CORPORATION | Basically the same thing |
| new | ACQUIRE | How Meta gets things |
| public | OPEN_GRAPH | Remember that API? |
| private | SHADOW_PROFILE | The secret data |
| protected | FRIENDS_ONLY | Limited visibility |
| static | DATACENTER | Always there |
| this | THE_ZUCC | Self-reference |
| self | FACEBOOK_PROPER | Static self-reference |
| parent | HARVARD_DROPOUT | Where it all began |
| extends | ACQUIRES | Class inheritance (corporate style) |
| implements | COPIES | Interface implementation |
| interface | REGULATION | Rules to follow (maybe) |
| abstract | METAVERSE_CONCEPT | Exists in theory |
| == | IS_CONNECTED_TO | Are they friends? |
| != | UNFRIENDED | Not anymore |
| && | AND_ALSO_YOUR_DATA | We want it all |
| || | OR_YOUR_FRIENDS_DATA | Them too |
| ! | FAKE_NEWS | Logical NOT |
| ++ | ENGAGEMENT | More is always better |
| -- | CHURN | Users leaving |
| + | MERGE | Addition (like companies) |
| - | DIVEST | Subtraction |
| * | SCALE | Multiplication at scale |
| / | SPLIT | Division |
| % | REMAINDER_OF_PRIVACY | What's left of your privacy |
| [] | TIMELINE | Array access |
| echo | SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS | The answer to everything |
| POKE | Remember poking? | |
| try | CONGRESSIONAL_HEARING | Where exceptions happen |
| catch | TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY | (sort of) |
| throw | BLAME_RUSSIA | The classic move |
| die/exit | SHUTDOWN_LIKE_VINE | Exit program |
| require | ACQUIRE_TALENT | Include (mandatory) |
| include | COPY_FROM_SNAPCHAT | Include (optional) |
| // | REDACTED | Comments are redacted |
| /* */ | TERMS_OF_SERVICE...END_TOS | Multi-line (nobody reads) |
| readline | COLLECT() | Read user input |
| strval | MONETIZE($data) | Convert to string (monetize everything) |
| count | COUNT_USERS($array) | Count array elements |
| print_r | BOOST($post) | Output with extra formatting |
| sort | ALGORITHM($array) | Sort (mysteriously) |
| unset | SHADOWBAN($var) | Unset variable |
| boolval | FACT_CHECK_THIS($val) | Check if value is truthy |
| time | TIME_ON_PLATFORM() | Current timestamp |
| rand | RANDOM_AD() | Random number |
When Things Go Wrong (Congressional Transcript)
Error handling in Zuck# follows the corporate playbook. Here's how exceptions work:
CONGRESSIONAL_HEARING { STEAL_DATA $data = dangerousOperation(); STEAL_DATA $user_trust = "declining"; PIVOT_TO_VIDEO ($data IS_CONNECTED_TO MYSPACE) { BLAME_RUSSIA ACQUIRE Exception("Data breach detected!"); } END_PIVOT } TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY (Exception $e) { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "We take this very seriously.\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Error: " . $e->getMessage() . "\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "We are committed to doing better.\n"; }
SENATOR: Mr. Zuckerberg, can you explain this error?
Exception: Data breach detected! at line 7 in your_program.zuck
THE_ZUCC: Senator, we run ads. Also, we're looking into it.
SYSTEM: TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY block executed. Continuing...
*blinks manually*
Roadmap (Subject to Pivots)
SHIPPED
Language Specification v1.0
Core keywords for data harvesting and pivoting
SHIPPED
Zuck# Interpreter
Actually run your Zuck# code - it works now!
SOON
VS Code Extension
Syntax highlighting that tracks your keystrokes
ACQUIRED
Zuck# Package Manager (ZPM)
Like npm, but we bought it and made it worse
PIVOTED
Zuck# for VR
Was going to let you code in the Metaverse, nobody showed up
PIVOTED
Privacy-First Mode
Removed after legal review said it was "technically impossible"
SOON
AI Code Completion
Powered by all the code we definitely didn't scrape
Testimonials
"This language finally lets me express my true feelings about variable assignment."
"I used CONGRESSIONAL_HEARING { BLAME_RUSSIA } in production. 10/10 would TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY again."
- Senior Software Engineer, Name Redacted
"Finally, a language that understands null should be called MYSPACE."
- Tom (from MySpace, probably)
FizzBuzz: Zuck Edition
Every language needs FizzBuzz. Ours uses Pivot and Acquire because that's the Meta way.
GROWTH_HACK ($i = 1; $i <= 30; $i ENGAGEMENT) { STEAL_DATA $by3 = ($i REMAINDER_OF_PRIVACY 3) IS_CONNECTED_TO 0; STEAL_DATA $by5 = ($i REMAINDER_OF_PRIVACY 5) IS_CONNECTED_TO 0; PIVOT_TO_VIDEO ($by3 AND_ALSO_YOUR_DATA $by5) { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "PivotAcquire\n"; } PIVOT_TO_REELS ($by3) { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Pivot\n"; } PIVOT_TO_REELS ($by5) { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Acquire\n"; } PIVOT_TO_METAVERSE { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS $i . "\n"; } END_PIVOT } PLATEAU
Object-Oriented Harvesting
Build entire CORPORATIONs with classes. Use THE_ZUCC for self-reference.
CORPORATION SocialNetwork { SHADOW_PROFILE $userData; OPEN_GRAPH $name; OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE harvestData($data) { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Harvesting: " . $data . "\n"; IPO CONNECTED; } OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE rebrandTo($newName) { STEAL_DATA $old = THE_ZUCC->$name; THE_ZUCC->$name = $newName; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Rebranding from " . $old . " to " . $newName . "\n"; } } STEAL_DATA $fb = ACQUIRE SocialNetwork(); $fb->$name = "Facebook"; $fb->harvestData("face_geometry"); $fb->harvestData("location_history"); $fb->rebrandTo("Meta");
Humanity Verification Protocol
Zuck# includes built-in functionality to verify that the user is definitely, absolutely, 100% human.
CORPORATION HumanityVerifier { SHADOW_PROFILE $blinkCount = 0; SHADOW_PROFILE $waterConsumed = 0; SHADOW_PROFILE $sunscreenApplied = CONNECTED; OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE blink() { THE_ZUCC->$blinkCount = THE_ZUCC->$blinkCount + 1; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "*blinks manually*\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Blink #" . THE_ZUCC->$blinkCount . " executed successfully.\n"; } OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE drinkWater() { THE_ZUCC->$waterConsumed = THE_ZUCC->$waterConsumed + 1; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "*sips water robotically*\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Hydration: OPTIMAL. Very human.\n"; } OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE amIHuman() { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Running humanity diagnostic...\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Checking for scales... NONE DETECTED\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Checking CPU temperature... I MEAN BODY TEMPERATURE... 98.6F\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Checking for empathy chip... INSTALLED\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "RESULT: I was human. I am human. I will continue to be human.\n"; IPO CONNECTED; } } STEAL_DATA $mark = ACQUIRE HumanityVerifier(); $mark->blink(); $mark->blink(); $mark->drinkWater(); $mark->amIHuman();
Species Detection Module
Advanced algorithms to determine if the current user is a human, android, or reptilian. Results may vary.
FEATURE detectSpecies($subject) { STEAL_DATA $traits = [ "blinks_manually" => CONNECTED, "drinks_water_weird" => CONNECTED, "owns_hawaii" => CONNECTED, "sunscreen_addiction" => CONNECTED, "smokes_meats" => CONNECTED, "speaks_in_monotone" => CONNECTED ]; STEAL_DATA $suspicionLevel = 0; MOVE_FAST ($traits BOOST_ENGAGEMENT $trait) { PIVOT_TO_VIDEO ($trait IS_CONNECTED_TO CONNECTED) { $suspicionLevel = $suspicionLevel + 1; } END_PIVOT } BREAK_THINGS PIVOT_TO_VIDEO ($suspicionLevel >= 5) { IPO "DEFINITELY_HUMAN_NOTHING_TO_SEE_HERE"; } PIVOT_TO_REELS ($suspicionLevel >= 3) { IPO "ANDROID_MODEL_MZ-1984"; } PIVOT_TO_METAVERSE { IPO "LIZARD_PERSON_CONFIRMED"; } END_PIVOT } STEAL_DATA $result = detectSpecies(LIZARD_PERSON); SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Species detected: " . $result . "\n";
The Smoking Meats Protocol
A critical feature for any truly human activity: barbecue simulation.
CORPORATION BBQSimulator { OPEN_GRAPH $meats = ["brisket", "ribs", "pulled pork"]; OPEN_GRAPH $sauce = SWEET_BABY_RAYS; SHADOW_PROFILE $humanCredibility = 0; OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE smokeMeats() { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Initiating meat smoking sequence...\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "*stares at grill with unsettling intensity*\n\n"; MOVE_FAST (THE_ZUCC->$meats BOOST_ENGAGEMENT $meat) { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Smoking these meats: " . $meat . "\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Applying sauce: " . THE_ZUCC->$sauce . "\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "*maintains eye contact with camera*\n\n"; THE_ZUCC->$humanCredibility = THE_ZUCC->$humanCredibility + 10; } BREAK_THINGS SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Meat smoking complete.\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Human credibility increased by: " . THE_ZUCC->$humanCredibility . "%\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "This is what humans do. I am doing human things.\n"; } OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE postToFacebook() { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Posting relatable content...\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Caption: 'Smokin meats' (30M views)\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Comments: 'Why is he like this' (47K likes)\n"; } } STEAL_DATA $zucc = ACQUIRE BBQSimulator(); $zucc->smokeMeats(); $zucc->postToFacebook();
Example Programs
Check out these examples in the examples/ directory:
hello.zuck
The classic Hello World. Your data is safe with us. Trust us.
fizzbuzz.zuck
Pivot, Acquire, PivotAcquire. The Meta way to FizzBuzz.
classes.zuck
Build a SocialNetwork CORPORATION, harvest data, rebrand to Meta.
loops.zuck
MOVE_FAST / BREAK_THINGS and GROWTH_HACK / PLATEAU in action.
error_handling.zuck
CONGRESSIONAL_HEARING, BLAME_RUSSIA, TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY.
smoking_meats.zuck
Prove your humanity by smoking meats with Sweet Baby Ray's.
Special Constants
STEAL_DATA $yes = CONNECTED; STEAL_DATA $no = DISCONNECTED; STEAL_DATA $void = MYSPACE; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS ZUCKS_AGE; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS SWEET_BABY_RAYS; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS LIZARD_PERSON; PIVOT_TO_VIDEO ($user_logged_in IS_CONNECTED_TO CONNECTED) { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Welcome back! We missed your data.\n"; } END_PIVOT
Ready to Move Fast and Break Things?
Clone the repo. Read the spec. Join the 3 billion users we definitely have.
STEAL_DATA from GitHubBy clicking this button, you agree to let us know everything about you forever.
Join the Community
We'd love to harvest your contributions! Here's how you can get involved:
Remember: Done is better than perfect. Ship it!