I’ve been reading The Creative Act: A Way of Being1 by Rick Rubin, legendary music producer2. It’s a pretty philosophical read on creativity in general, and I can recommend reading it regardless if you are an artist or not. Among many quote-worthy ideas, one passage struck a particular note for me and made me consider how I work with people.
The section is titled Listening and in it, the author writes:
Sometimes we block the flow of information being offered and compromise true listening. Our critical mind may kick in, taking note of what we agree with and what we don’t, or what we like and dislike. We may look for reasons to distrust the speaker or make them wrong.
Formulating an opinion is not listening. Neither is preparing a response, or defending our position or attacking another’s. To listen impatiently is to hear nothing at all.
I don’t want to turn this into another post about soft skills and importance of communication for software engineers, I am sure this topic has been covered by people far more experienced and skilled than me. But reading this section of Rubin’s book got me thinking about the often ignored side of communication - listening. I certainly have been over-focusing on improving my speaking skills but, more and more, I am finding myself on the receiving end of conversations, and this opened my eyes to how much I am lacking in this area.
On speaking out
A few years back, I set on a mission to improve my communication skills because I wasn’t too happy with how I handle things at work. Now, as a software engineer, it’s easy to forget that you do work with people and you are part of a team, so being able to be a good teammate and overall all human being becomes a significant trait, especially as you become more senior. So, while I was pretty happy about by technical progress, I felt some friction when I needed to express myself on team meetings. Personally, I am a type of person that avoids conflicts and sweeps problems under the rug as much as possible. So I was very good at communicating progress but when it comes to blockers and issues, I tend to shut down and go silent until I brute-force a solution or the thing is escalated by someone else in the team. While it wasn’t raised too often as a problem (I guess the bar is not too high in our profession or I was just ending up in such environments), I felt that this is not a way to go and it would make my life much easier if I learned to share my burdens with my comrades.
This part of the journey is a story for another day, but basically it took a great deal of reading, practicing, asking for feedback and a lot of faking it till I made it. As the time (and performance reviews) passed, I started getting more and more positive feedback from the peers about my communication skills and how it plays a significant role in making me easy to work with. As this became the default feedback I kept getting, I though my job here is done and started patting myself on the back for the excellent work.
Until I read this book.
On listening
After reading, the aforementioned section was haunting me for some time. At first, I thought it’s just another well-written, noteworthy snippet, but then I realized it rings specifically true because I could fully recognize myself in those words.
Now, I was raised in a family where good communication was never held in high regard and you can clearly see that in a way we hold conversations as a group: People often speak on top of each other and it’s completely normal to interrupt the other person just to share a random thought you just had. In general, you let the other person talk to have a chance to think what you will say next. Of course, I adore my family and this comes with a lot of charm but I got to agree with Rick Rubin that it’s not how good listening exactly looks like. To quote: it’s not only a disservice to the speaker but also to yourself. So I started questioning my communication skills that I worked so hard to build. Because, after all, I’m a chip off that old block myself.
When I think about communication, I mostly think about what comes out of you and how you present it. This especially is highly appreciated in engineering world where being able to share knowledge or clearly communicate technical concepts is considered crucial for success. But this got me to realize that communication is a two-way stream and as much as it’s important to be able to effectively express yourself it’s also crucial to enable others to express. As I mentioned earlier, I feel like this becomes more and more beneficial as you progress on your career ladder. As a software engineer, I can speak most genuinely about my trade but I feel that all of this is also applicable for other walks of life. As a more junior engineer, being able to speak for yourself will help you get your voice heard and make sure you get needed help/information on time. So I guess that’s the first axe you usually sharpen. But as you climb the ladder, being able to support other, less experienced colleagues is where your focus will start to shift. And that’s where listening skills come into play massively. And that’s what I’ve seem to overlook in my pursuit of communication excellence until old Rick reminded me.
What I’ve come to realize it that it’s ok not to know some answers up front (or none at all) and sometimes all it takes is to be there, in the moment, with the person that is sharing something with you. This genuine approach will create a safe space for sharing problems, thus helping other side with the speaking up part. Kind of a growth loop. On the other hand, when new ideas are discussed, shutting down the critical mind can help create a fertile ground for some unexpected fruits to grow. This, of course, takes a lot of practice and, as I’ve come to learn, sitting tight and just taking the information in is easier said then done.
So back to the drawing board for myself and my little communication kingdom I’ve built. I don’t have any concrete action items in a bulleted list with a pile of emojis for you (yet) but hopefully I managed to land this plane and share a story with some food for thought.
I will just leave it here with another quote from The Creative Act:
When the listener is totally present, the speaker often communicates differently. Most people aren’t used to being fully heard, and it can be jarring for them.