For most people, “networking” means one thing: a crowded conference hall where everyone’s doing the same awkward dance—asking where you work, pretending to be fascinated, then immediately whipping out their phone to scan your LinkedIn QR.
Networking’s reputation is all wrong. At its core, it’s just this: meeting people and building relationships. That’s it. No agenda, no transaction, no ‘what can you do for me’.
It can happen in an Uber, at a coffee shop, or when you compliment someone’s outfit in the elevator. Looking back, those were the types of moments that changed my life in ways I never expected. It led me to some of my best mentors, start-up job, and even closest friends.
No one can deny that networking can have an outsized impact on your life. If you want to practice the muscle, here are a few re-framings that make networking actually enjoyable:
When meeting someone new, your job is to understand as much as you can about them, not to talk about yourself.
Most people actually love talking about themselves, as long as you ask the right questions and give them the permission to. Keep asking why to dig deeper.
Take the most boring question: what do you do for a living?
A: I’m a software engineer.
B: Oh you’re a software engineer? Why?
A: I’m not sure, I guess I liked math and science growing up, and got into coding when I was younger.
B: Do you like it? Why or why not?
A: It’s okay, I guess when I was a kid I actually thought I’d become a musician or something.
*CUE actually interesting conversation to follow*
I’m reminded of the concept of sonder, popularized by John Koenig:
“the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.”
Don’t discount people. I try to approach each new person with curiosity and an appreciation for the richness of their inner lives.
Imagine you head into an event, and see 100 other people there. How many people would you have to “network with” in order to consider it good?
One. Before I step into an event, I always remind myself that this is worth it if I meet even one cool person I could see myself hanging out with again.
Dunbar’s number says that a human can comfortably maintain 150 meaningful social relationships with 50 of them being “good friends” - where you know who they are, their personalities, and how you relate to them. People commonly burn themselves out from networking by maximizing the wrong variable, quantity instead of quality.
You will not mesh with everyone — there will be awkward conversations. You’re not held hostage to stay in a conversation: gracefully exit if things feel off.
This is merely a calibration in this anthropology experiment - did this event have the types of people you thought it would? Why didn’t you hit it off?
Be true to yourself. This sounds obvious to say out loud, but a lot of people have a “networking mode” in which they put up a front and fake energy.
Understand where you can thrive and stay away from energy sucking events. I personally try to avoid large gatherings of more than 50+ people, unless I’m feeling particularly energetic.
Authentic networking should feel energizing, natural, and serendipitous.
When do you hit gold and meet someone you can trust with shared goals and values - actually follow up. Make plans on the spot if you have to.
Great relationships are built on mutual value, sure—but they start with generosity. Uncover what it is they really need and who they are before asking ‘what can I do for you?’ The ‘what can you do for me?’ part tends to work itself out.
You have a dream of making a short film?
I have a friend who went to film school and is looking for help.
You want to become a DJ?
Come out to a concert I’m going to, I know the DJ there!
Networking is the gift that keeps giving — good people know good people.
If you hate networking, be the change you want to see.
With love,
Adel