OpenBSD: Release Songs

This software is free,
so on the count of three,
update to six point eight!

Stack up too much fakes and the world breaks.
Only what's open can be true.
Full transparency is best for you.

Free functional, and secure.
hacker people! hacker people!
Just read the code if unsure.

Hack the planet,
search to see what makes it tick,
makes it panic.
This software is free, so on the count of three:
update to six point eight.

Hacker people! Hacker people!

What's the deal, what's still real?
Ground yourself with truth.
Run a software that allows you to sleuth.
Only that what's open can be true.
Full transparency is best for me and you.

Hack the planet,
search to see what makes it tick,
makes it panic.

if I fool your time you are mine.
if I hide what you should see,
your routing is debris.

Hack the planet,
search to see what makes it tick,
makes it panic.
Together we are openbsd,
so everyone update to six point eight!

Hacker people! Hacker people!

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful diff,
That started on a set of stairs
Right by a pizza joint.

Art was a mighty coding man,
And he was mighty sure
The only change that was required
Was a three-line diff, a three-line diff.

The coding started getting tough,
The change began to swell,
Despite the confidence of the programmers
The system would then crash,
the system always crashed.

The simple change became complex
Just too many things overlooked,
With Grabowski,
And the testers too,
Theo watching and skeptical
Miod Vallat,
And Kettenis, and Dale, and...
Hacking Grabowski's diff.

So this is a tale of our programmers,
They've been here for 20 years.
They'll have to do the best they can,
It's an endless task.

Grabowski and the others too
Will do their very best
To get the changes into prod
It is an epic slog,

No QEMU, only DDB,
Not a single luxury,
Like Ritchie and Thompson did
It's as primitive as can be

So check a new diff every week,
Your head is sure to hurt
While all the puzzled programmers
Gawk at Grabowski's diff

Working on a marginal diff.

I had a Type-4 keyboard,
Bought with my Sun workstation,
Hacked on it 'til my fingers bled.
Was the winter of '95.

Me and the guys from core,
Had a source tree with lots of history.
Chris and Charles held a little coup,
I should have known I'd lose my history.

Oh, when I look back now,
I can see we all have nothing
When it all can be... when it can be taken away.
Everyone needs to know their history.
It was the winter of '95

So we carried on with a fresh source tree,
Spent all of our hours coding,
Making changes in our private history,
Repeating the error of the past, yeah.

The source tree just got too big,
Too many diffs, too unreliable,
Too few people had any access;
Got to open it up now and forever
Everyone needs to see the history.

Sometimes when I look for something
Reading ancient tarballs with despair
I wonder what they were thinking.

And now the times have changed
Repos on the web, git,
now githubs everywhere.
not like the winter of '95

Back around that Halloween,
Microsoft said open source would never last,
But now they use the repo tools,
In the same open access way.

Everyone needs to see the history.

In 20 years of mitigating security issues, we've encountered plenty of resistance. Some upstream projects don't seem to care that their software follows unsafe practices or sacrifice security in favor of obsolete methods. It takes sustained pressure to tear down the walls.

We don't need no exploitation
We don't need no overflows
No ROP stack pivots spraying pointers
Hackers, leave my stack alone!
Hey! Hackers! leave my heap alone!
All in all it's just raising the bar
All in all you're just raising the bar

"Wrong, Code it again!"

"If you don't fix yer JIT, you can't exec the pages.
How can you exec the pages if you don't fix your JIT?"

"You! Yes, you there with the keyboard, shut up and hack!"

Our developers don't really promise an ideal world where all attackers are blocked all the time. But our small group developed some components that help make a difference.

Black Hat, out there in the cold
Hacking websites for control
Can you crack me?
Black Hat, working for the Chinese
With twitchy fingers on flashing keys
Can you spoof me?
Black Hat, don't let them put you in the light
Never give in: just fight!

Black Hat, always trying to p0wn,
Social engineering with a phone,
Can you phish me?
Black Hat, with your buffer overflows
Waiting for someone to hit one
Can you probe me?
Black Hat, do you do this for pure knowledge?
They opened the file! Too bad: they're pledged

But it was all futility
The firewall was strong
As all can see
No matter how he tried
He could not break free()
And his worm just sputtered and died

Black Hat, skimming cards down at the bank
always claiming "it was just a prank!"
Can you scam me?
Black Hat, out there on the net
Throwing packets with wget
Can you hack me?
Black Hat, have you no hope at all?
The firewalls were carped: they never fall

Money, donate your pay.
Automate with a cron job and we'll be ok.
Money, donate your pay.
Thoughtful programming versus "just make it fast".
TLB that cache with high CPU and cause a thrash.
Single cores are out, SMP unlocking
Will get you a faster net stream

Canaries have your back.
In the right place, hacks stop in your protected stack.
Puffy, he's a hit.
Theo doesn't suffer users' ill-informed bullshit.
Fly to hackathons, sleep in dormatory beds
Worldwide userbase, can you fund our project?

Not donating, it's a crime.
Distributed and shared fairly but can't exist on just a dime.
OpenBSD, so they say
Is the securest system today
Don't make us busk until dusk 'cause we'd rather be hacking away

"Hello,
Are there any experts out there?
Please reply if you can help me.
I just rm -rf'ed /home"

"I don't know how
But I need this feature now.
My users are pained
I need my server up again."

"Relax.
The list needs a dmesg first.
Just the basic facts
Stop whining between your blurts."

There is no wifi, you are pleading.
Vendor firmware not on horizon.
Packets only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but broken audio mutes what you're saying.
Fork-bomb child. Crappy C coder.
Bad PF ruleset. Machines fall down, go boom.
Now we've got that feeling once again.
We can't explain, you would not understand.
This is just how you are.
Original poster, you ... have become comfortably dumb.

OK
Just a little firewall pin prick
There'll be lots of aaaaaaaah!
You're p0wn3d by a script kiddie dick.

Can you upgrade?
We do believe it's working, good.
That'll keep you going for a while.
Our patience is at null.

There is no wifi, you are pleading.
Vendor firmware not on horizon.
Packets only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but broken audio mutes what you're saying.
Fork-bomb child.
I can no longer handle reading misc.
I want to scrape out both my eyes.
I tried to reply but your address bounced.
I give you my middle finger now.
My inner child is crushed.
My dreams are gone.
You ... have become comfortably dumb.

Mother, don't you want to change this code?
Mother, don't you think this cruft's too old?
Mother, do you think we're heading for a fall?
Ooooh aah, mother, we should change these calls.

Mother, should I send a patch upstream?
Mother, do you think it'll change a thing?
Mother, will they twist this in an unfair light?
Ooooh aah, is it just a waste of time?

Hush now, baby, baby, don't you cry
Mama's gonna keep all of her customers true
Mama's gonna keep legacy crap there with you
Mama's gonna keep changes from making them sad
She won't let you flense but she might let you add
Mama's gonna keep baby growing much more

Ooooh, babe, ooooh, babe, ooooh, babe
Of course Mama's gonna help add some calls

Mother, do you think this code is stuffed? (with shit.....)
Mother, do you think it's dangerous? (a bit.....)
Mother, can we tear this API apart?
Oooh aah, mother, will you break my heart?

Hush now, baby, baby, don't you cry
Mama's gonna rig all of the standards for you
Mama won't let anything foreign get through
Mama's gonna wait up till you send it, dear
Mama will subvert things not invented here
Mamma's gonna keep baby under control

Ooooh, babe, ooooh, babe, ooooh, babe
Don't say deprecation to me.

Mother, does change need to be so hard?

Theo's debut. It ain't easy being
green. Going back to the keyboard
now...

Goodbye CDs
I'm done with you today
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
No more pre-production
And no more long delays
So I have peace
Of mind
Goodbye.

In Open Source philosophy, distinctions between progress or backwards-compatibility, along with other dichotomous API judgments, are vendor choice, not user; so, the duality of profit and control is an indivisible whole. In the ethics of OpenBSD on the other hand, most notably in the philosophy of Theo de Raadt (c. 21st century AD), a moral dimension is attached to the idea of stagnation and advancement.

So,
So you think you can sell
Our Heaven to Hell?
ABIs cast in stone?
Would you sell the green fields
to buy your own cage?
Be stable for a wage?
So you think you can sell

Did you decide to trade
Your leaders for stock?
Complex code in the tree
For simple code that was free?
Cold cash for your clout?
Did you walk out
On a lead role in the war
For a part as a boy scout?

How I wish, how I wish you were secure
We're just two old fish swimming in a toilet bowl,
it's all so impure
Fighting over the same APIs
What do you prize?
That same old lure
Wish you were secure

BSD fight buffer reign
Flowing blood in circuit vein
Quagmire, Hellfire, RAMhead Count
Puffy rip attacker out

Crackin' ze bathroom, Crackin' ze vault
Tale of the script, HEY! Secure by default

Can't fight the Systemagic
Über tragic
Can't fight the Systemagic

Sexty second, black cat struck
Breeding worm of crypto-suck
Hot rod box unt hunting wake
Vampire omellete, kitten cake

Crackin' ze boardroom, Crackin' ze vault
Rippin' ze bat, HEY! Secure by default

Chorus

Cybersluts vit undead guts
Transyl-viral coffin muck
Penguin lurking under bed
Puffy hoompa on your head

Crackin' ze bedroom, Crackin' ze vault
Crackin' ze whip, HEY! Secure by default
Crackin' ze bedroom, Crackin' ze vault
Crackin' ze whip, HEY! Secure by default

Chorus

It was twenty years ago you see
Theo opened a cvs tree
Made commits to many a file
Joined by others in a very short while

Take a moment to view
The source of all this code
The openbsd cvs repo...

We're the openssh repository
We hope you will enjoy the code
The openntpd repository
But that's not all that's here oh no...
The mandoc 'pository, smtpd 'tory
The libressl repo too

It's wonderful to see the code
Re-used far and wide
The license is so liberal
We'd love for you to code with us
We'd love for you to code...

I don't really want to have to go
But it's hackathon time and so
The coder will commit the code
That he wants all of you to load

So let me introduce to you the one and only Puffy Fish
And the openbsd cvs repo...

B... S... D...

After 20 years, one has to admit:

With every release,
Puffy becomes better,
a little better all the time.

With every release,
Puffy becomes better,
so much better all the time.

Let's count in sys:
2064534 lines of C code
51526 lines of Assembly code

With every release,
Puffy becomes better,
really better all the time.

Let's count in log:
314544 commits from developers
43.67 commits per day on average
351 hackers and slackers through the years

Proactive security and sane defaults
Puffy becomes better than ever before
Free, functional, and secure by default

With every release,
Puffy becomes better,
so much better all the time.

With every release,
Puffy becomes better,
so much better all the time.

With every release,
Puffy becomes better.

With every release,
Puffy becomes better,
so much better all the time.

I read the news today oh boy
About a silly man who made a change
And though the hole was rather bad
Well I just had to laugh
I saw the code he wrote.

BIO_snprintf with a cast..
He didn't know the POSIX API had changed
A crowd on slashdot stood and stared.
They'd seen such code before
Everyone was really sure
It was from 1984..

I saw a tweet today oh boy.
The OpenBSD devs had just forked the code.
And though the code was rather gross
They held their nose and dove.
Having read the code..
I'd love to Ceeeeee Veeeeee Eeeeeee.

Built up.. a sense of dread..
IMPLEMENT_ASN1 macros in my head.
Found a way down through 10 levels of hell
And looking there, I noticed more to fix.
#unifdef, and rewrite that
cut this out, and hear it splat.
Found my way upstairs and read hackernews
whining about comic sans and CVS.

Whiiiiiiinne whine whine....
Whiiiine whinee.... Whine Whineee....
whine.. They... Use Cee.. Vee Esss...

I read the news today oh boy
Four thousand holes in OpenSSL
And though the holes were rather small
They embargoed them all
The privileged get to patch them
while the rest get no info, at all...
I'd love to Ceeeeee Veeeeee Eeeeeee.

Comin' to ya, via CVS
All the code, that's safe to load
Got the ProPolice, in the GCC
Boundary checks, and Canaries

I'm a Source Fish, ha ha
Yeah I'm a Source Fish
I'm a Source Fish
Woah I'm a Source Fish

Code used to suck, in a Big way
But it Keeps getting better, each and every day
OpenSSL, wasn't done by us
With Libre ha ha, there ain't no fuss

I'm a Source Fish
Woah I'm a Source Fish
I'm a Source Fish
I'm a Source Fish

With a secure shell, and a key or two
You'd be amazed, at what I can do
OpenSSH, relayd, PF, OpenNTPd
All I am, has been used for free

I'm a Source Fish, that's right
I'm a Source Fish
I'm a Source Fish
Yeah I'm a Source Fish

When the bullies, in that neighborhood
Come collecting, just remember that I'm Free, I'm Free Yeah Yeah, I'm Free Yeah Yeah

Instrumental

I'm a Source Fish, ha
Yes I'm a Source Fish
You, over there You a Source Fish, ha ha
Yeah, I'm a Source Fish
Who that over there, He's a Source Fish, You a Source Fish, ha
I'm a Source Fish, Yeah Yeah
I'm a Source Fish, Yeah Yeah
Source Fish

Tell me doctor, what will be the date,
Is it 1901, or 2038.
All I wanna do is make my keyboard sing

From today I'll be fine
But you better promise me I won't wrap back in time.
Don't wanna wrap back in time.

Don't bet your future on compat's bad advice
Better remember, bugs always strike twice.
Please don't use time32_t, not just a word again

So talk to me, I'll be fine
But you better promise me I won't wrap back in time.
Don't wanna wrap back in time
Don't wanna wrap back in time
No bad hacks in time.

Don't wanna wrap back in time
Don't wanna wrap back in time
don't wrap! don't wrap!

PF divert-to and async resolver
Function call tracing to show how you got there
BGE changes to speed up the stack
These are a few of our favorite hacks

Closing the kernel thread races that hang you
Updating ports from the versions that pain you
Kernel mode setting and elf comes to vax
These are a few of our favorite hacks

Buffer queue limits and locale additions
Man-page updates to relate the traditions
Make DHCPD better with acks
These are a few of our favorite hacks

(chorus)

When my programs crash, when the kernel hangs
When I'm feeling mad
I update to get more of our favorite hacks
And then I don't feel so bad

(repeat)

(chorus)

When the build stops, when the panic hits,
When I'm feeling mad
I update to get more of our favorite hacks
And then I don't feel so bad

Starting with this release, we introduce a new artist — Katherine Piro.

I've seen things your programs wouldn't believe.

[laughs]

Stack frames unwinding with Turing complete behaviour.

I watched threads racing trampoline bindings in ld.so.

All those overwrites will be lost in memory
like [coughs] accesses to NULL.

Time to dump core.

Linux, the one and only true Unix
We are in every way Posix
We voice our yearning "Someday soon"
We won't need any other.

Then, tomorrow brings a new distro
It's better than the last you know
Another million bits that changed
All the hacks and tweaks we conjure up
They just get pushed into Posix
There's one thing that I know
The world will love it, all Linux

Then, there's other stuff we push as well
Others can work around this hell
With just a million lines of Shell
Now, as standards ape the one Linux
Everyone else just gets stuffed
There's one thing that I'm certain of
The world will love it, all Linux
We are Posix
World, you'll love my Linux
Linux, Linux

If you've got a bug
That you just can't shove
Who ya gonna install?
Bugbusters!

Buffer overflow?
Don't know where to go
Who ya gonna install?
Bugbusters!

I ain't afraid of no holes
I ain't afraid of no holes

And you're off by one
And it ain't no fun
Who ya gonna install?
Bugbusters!

If your system's down
And it makes you frown
Who ya gonna install?
Bugbusters!

I ain't afraid of no holes
I ain't afraid of no holes

If you need a trace
Gonna win that race
Who ya gonna install?
Bugbusters!

If you got a crash
And you got no cash
Who ya gonna install?
Bugbusters!

OpenBSD makes me feel good!

Shut up and hack!
In the hack room
In the back room
Wires everywhere

At the tables
Fingers able
Take another dare!

Close up your holes
Pick up the slack!
Get your head down!
Shut up and hack!
Close up your holes
Pick up the slack!
Get your head down!
Shut up and hack!

Coding faster
You're the master
of security

In your t-shirts
Hack till it hurts
This is how to be free

CHORUS

Hit the pub now
We're a club now
Trading genius for free

Have a laugh and
Be a rock band
This is how it should be!

CHORUS

What? Me Worry?
Not with this stuff
Nobody gettin' in
Nobody get tough

I'm a comic book kid
Having fun in the woods
Carving out toys
and makin' em good

Ya it's spy versus spy
I got so many tricks
I got undercover agents
Even out in the sticks

Threw a brick through your window
Ya it's teenage fun
Then I blew up a bridge
And blocked out the sun

Little black flies
on a pile of GNU
With a Dairy Queen tip
And Imma comin' for you

Make fun of everybody
That's my thang
Ya It's a geeks wet dream
I give a poit! blit! spang!

It's a mad mad world
and number 5 is alive
I gotta black submarine
and I'm built to survive

Threw a brick through your window
Ya it's teenage fun
Then I blew up a bridge
And blocked out the sun

Keep the source open
Gonna get my kicks
I'm 16 now
Ya I don't need mix

Got a stack o magazines
In my treehouse club
Nobody gettin' up here
Its secure ya bub

Got a dime store bazooka
And a bubble gum tank
Got pots and pans for cookin' up
some Open source stank

Threw a brick through your window
Ya it's teenage fun
Then I blew up a bridge
And blocked out the sun

How many streams must a fish swim down
before you can call him a man?
And how many codes must a vendor lock down
before silicon turns to sand?
Yes and how many times must the lawyers fly
before they are forever banned?

The answer my friend
BSD 4.2
The answer
BSD 4.2

How many years can a planet exist
before it is paved by the V?
How many years can some source code exist
before it's allowed to be free?
Yes and how many times can a fish turn his head
and pretend that he just doesn't see?

The answer my friend
BSD 4.2
The answer
BSD 4.2

How many times must we fight for the right
to share what is already ours?
Yes and how many times must we hitch while we hike
To end up not getting far?
And how many fish must we shove in our ear
before we can hear every star?

The answer my friend
BSD 4.2
The answer
BSD 4.2

And now we can travel the galaxy
with ships that are silicon made
And now with a towel and a laptop in hand
our future is made in the shade
And what did we use to build on and on
Inside everything that we use?

The answer my friend
BSD 4.2
The answer
BSD 4.2

[Sorry, no commentary]

Back when I was twenty
They said I wouldn't last
All that I believed in
Were the teachings of the past

All I ever wanted
Was to keep the world secure
And all the criticizing
Was something I'd endure

The changes that I've been through
And the trials along the way
The battle isn't over
And I'm living day by day

But I'm still here

Some say that I'm a hero
But I'm just being me
With my filter I can hide
My true identity

One day when I was flying
Across the open skies
I saw the bridge to freedom
Had been weakened over time

The server room was burning up
And melting the array
A little breath of cold air
Was enough to save the day

CHORUS:
But I'm still here
Better than I've ever been before
I'm still free
Close a window, open up a door
I'm still me

INSTRUMENTAL

Now that I am older
And I've been around so long
The world is ever changing
I'm still righting all the wrong

CHORUS:

[Sorry, no commentary]

Welcome to the future
One very rich man
runs the Earth with
one multinational
owns your stuff
and owns your birth

Everyone is armless
Personal robots
Do it all for you
Sitting on your slug head
One channel TV
never gonna bore you

CHORUS
Does it sound like a paradise
or a way to die
while alive and a loser
I'm a man from the open past
And I'll never last
on the Planet of the Users

Everyone is happy
No more government
No more media
Only the Company
Entertains you
while it feeds you

Soylent Green pap
Eating your friends while
shopping, buying
Stupid applications
Obsolete before you try them

CHORUS

Take me back
Take me back
Please
Take me back

Way back in my time
Open source kept
everyone choosing
People knew the insides
Of devices they were using

Hackers had a doorway
Now it's locked and
dumbed down so much
One button coma
Stop the future truly outta touch

CHORUS

[Sorry, no commentary]

I love to hate my PC
But now it's not so easy
Just wanna get this job done
But these A.M.L. games are dumb

You wanna know the truth?
Intel's controlling you
And Microsoft is too
But this is nothing new

With A.C.P.I.
This endless mess so corporate
Tangles and angles
In what could be straight forward

Lost connections
Lost my mind
It's such a waste of time

CHORUS

Now on the motherboard
Where all my life is stored
Playing with garbage there
With rules so unfair

Ruled by A.C.P.I.
Whose heart is so corrupted
Forcing us all to play
Our progress interrupted

Lost connections
Lost my mind
It's such a waste of time

CHORUS

Yes I'm a user
And I'm not the only one
I'm not a loser
With help from Puffy Tron

And we will find it
The pin in all this heartache
Map our devices
And we know what it'll take

Lost connections
Lost my mind
Oh Ooh Woah end of line

(bridge)
On and on
Can we all be wrong?
All and all
We are one
Clean the dream
Gone wrong
We are Tron
On and on and on

Instrumental CHORUS (guitar solo)

Instrumental pre-chorus

CHORUS
dumb dumb dumb

Source Wars
Episode IV
Trial of the BSD Knights

Not so very long ago
and not so far away
AT&T made system code
and gave some bits away

Some Berkeley geeks rebuilt it
better, faster, more diverse
This open thing was wonderful
for everyone on Earth

And then the roaring 90's came
The Empire changed its mind
And good old greed was back again
The geeks were in a legal bind

The Empire's Unix Lab
sued BSDi from above
The code is free but
only we can sell it bub!

The University came calling
in full protective mode
and proved the source in Net/2
didn't use the Empire's code

Then Bostic brought the Empire's books
n' slammed them dandys down
And showed the giant chunks
of BSD code all around

They didn't even give an ounce
of credit front to back
This broke the license USL
was using to attack

The case was thrown out by the judge
and "settled" out of court
And UCB was big enough
to take it like a sport

And to this day the geekfolk say
Now did we win or lose?
They shoulda made 'em reprint
every book with proper dues

And take out ads in major rags
apologetically
And maybe now it wouldn't be
the same monopoly

The Empire might have tumbled
down if everybody saw
How greed became so big
they couldn't see that glaring flaw

But only one community
the one that makes it tick
Is there to fight for everyone
exposing hypocrites

And OpenBSD is here
to tell the story right
Once again the fight is fought
and kept in shining light

And may the source be with you
May the Empire fall apart
Ya like that's gonna happen!
But we gotta keep heart!

Puffy and the mighty Cryptonauts
Trading with new lands by open C
Corporate monsters, many closing passages
Tempting harpies
13 years of treachery

Journey's over, welcome home the heroes
Offering the bounty of their trade
Useful clothing spun from the golden fleece
For the people, free and very strongly made

But something's wrong with them
They will not take our free wares
"What's the matter good people?
Why are you so scared?
Why?"

Then one brave soul spoke out
"We're not allowed to take your gifts
Hypocrites has spoken
There are many new laws"

Hypocrites appears
"Puffy!
You must obey my new rules!"

"First rule one dictates
You cannot give your code away"

(In Greek) To your health, Nick, great bouzouki player and cool dude.

"And rule two dictates
You must give it to me
So I can give it away properly for free"

"The list goes on of course
But for traders this is all you need"

"This is madness!
He has lost his mind!
This defies the first law of free trade
Rule zero came before this rule one
Freedom means you cannot dictate to anyone"

Then Hypocrites goes mad.

The starting line is nervous
we burst upon the course
Electric is our passion
An open hearted force

The water's full of dangers
That interrupt the flow
And soon the spirit splinters
as temptation takes its toll

*Give and get back some
Sharing it all
Path we know best
we're having a ball
Opulent mission
Lost in our passion
You can still choose
If you don't swim to win
you'll never lose*

One Zero Zero Zero Zero One

The window is a wall by now
A sieve of sickened holes
The water chicken stealing maps
Mistaking us for foes

The sun a son of Icarus
Flies too close to itself
Forbidden fruit is blinded
by the toys upon the shelf

*CHORUS*

One Zero One Zero One Zero One

Slow and steady wins they say
but this is not a race
It's not about who takes a prize
for first or second place

Imaginary rings of brass
Were traded for real goals
The vision and the mission lost
For those with corporate souls

*Give and get back some
Sharing it all
Path we know best
we're having a ball
Give and get zeros
Give and get ones
Given to you but
Not you to us
Opulent mission
Lost in our passion
You can still choose
If you don't swim to win
you'll never lose
You'll never lose*

Here's an old story ...

Puffy Baba and the 40 Vendors
We all know the details
Magic cave, magic words, some thieves,
some serious loot,
and lucky — Mister — Baba
Who got a bad rap if you ask me
The little guy who
did the best with what he had

Here are Mr. Baba's lessons
Load one ass, take a few trips and spend
in moderation
Three things the average man can't — get — right

If you know your brother is a greedy bastard
never give him the password
If he goes penguin on you,
stop — being — his brother.
When a cave is guarded by magic lawyers
A sea of blood will be its doormat
So do the best with what you have

Beyond the lessons — you must know this
that the Devil is as real as your address
But unlike Vendors,
he at least keeps the door open

Vendors of water that should be free
Look upon their words and despair
Their badvertising made a thief of my brother
then made him better off dead
Now he hasn't got shit to do his best with

Gratis. Free. Libre. Cuffo.
The companies of thieves stole every good adjective
and left us with open source (sores)
sharing smaller and smaller bandages
for each consecutive cut
But with the salty water of labour
parched desert becomes pregnant black soil

It's not whether you're well off
it's where you dig the well
The best the little guy can do is what
the little guy does right

Be Open
Be Vocal
Stay Open
Stay Vocal

(repeat)

OpenBSD

Twice a year,
me an' Theo Theorize over beer
at the Ship and outhip all the misers
and take strips out of liars.
He sits me down and he tries to explain:
He says "The badabadabingabanger
button on the raidorama cuttin'
on the systematicalifornication
and a license application
is a fishybomination
and a random allocation
got a copywritten melanoma
sasafrazzin' wireless device".
OK stop.
I get it.
Some asshole lied.

And then he says,
"The crashorama villaination
lawyerific pornication threatifies
the only honest hackerammerunderider
in the cyber cider documation
universal anagrama-attic (I'm outta here)
cohabitationizizingation"
OK stop.
I get it.
Some asshole said he was "open"
but he was only open for business.
I get it.
Where's my pencils?
Bring me my mic!

Be Open
Be Vocal
Stay Open
Stay Vocal

(repeat)

Then he has another beer and
gets all, you know, pushy.
Make Puffy kill pussies?
And too much thinkin' and kitchen sinkin'
the drawings or toons I should say,
where a fish can talk, be an agent
a hit man or walk, and ride horses
and forces my hand to make Puffy a spy
or a cowboy, or WHY a little girl, in a dream
and fake Floyd as the theme?
And squeeze in five concepts
every time, every song!
And the geeks and Theo lose it
if I draw the device wrong!
"It's four little buttons not five Ty"
And pretty soon I'll be losing my mind
cause it's a f@#!kin' cartoon!

(beat boxin')

Humppa negala
Humppa negala
Humppa negala
Venismechah

Humppa negala
Humppa negala
Humppa negala
Venismechah

Humppa neranenah
Humppa neranenah
Humppa neranenah
Venismechah

Humppa neranenah
Humppa neranenah
Humppa neranenah
Venismechah

Uru, uru achim!
Uru achim b'lev sameach
Uru achim b'lev sameach
Uru achim b'lev sameach
Uru achim b'lev sameach
uru achim!
uru achim!
OpenBSD!

(circus torture)

Humppa negala
Humppa negala
Humppa negala
Venismechah

Humppa negala
Humppa negala
Humppa negala
Venismechah

Humppa neranenah
Humppa neranenah
Humppa neranenah
Venismechah

Humppa neranenah
Humppa neranenah
Humppa neranenah
Venismechah

Uru, uru achim!
Uru achim b'lev sameach
Uru achim b'lev sameach
Uru achim b'lev sameach
Uru achim b'lev sameach
uru achim!
uru achim!
OpenBSD!

Little baby Blobby was a cute little baby
when we found him on the beach,
there was nothin' shady
you could bounce him on your knee
like a ba-ba-ball
and his first little word was adorable

He said a blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah
Blah!

Thin edge of the wedge?
But everybody was so happy — about Blob

Blob was popular at school he was helpful too
He could get your motor runnin'
with a drop of goo
He was givin' it away never charged a dime
But by the time he graduated
Blob was business slime!

He was a blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah

He's givin' you the Evil Eye!

Now everybody had it
they was drivin' around
They was givin' up their freedoms
for convenience now
Blobbin' up the freeway, water black as pitch
And somehow little Blobby was a growin' rich!

He was a blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah

It's linkin' time!

Now it was out of control
n' fishy's came to depend
on Blobby's Blob Blah, seemed to be no end
Then his empire spread and to their surprise
Blobby been a growin' to incredible size!

He's a blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b

Then along came a genius Doctor Puffystein
And he battled the Blob
who had crossed the line
He was 50 feet tall — Doctor said "No fear"
I got a sample of Blob I can reverse engineer!

But it was too late!
Blob was takin' over the world!
He wants your video!
Ya he wants your net!
He wants your drive!
He wants it all!!

Somebody help us!
Noooooooo!
NVIDIA!
Intel!
Atheros!
3-Ware!
VIA!
ATI!
Broadcom!
TI!
Myricom!
HighPoint!
Adaptec!
Mylex!
ICP Vortex!
and IBM!
Takin' over the world!

Narrator:

Welcome friends to the adventures of Puffiana Jones!

Brought to you by the good people at OpenBSD!

Whether braving jungles of wires, oceans of code, or hacking the most treacherous of crypts, one fish fights for justice. With bravery and morality like none other, one name rings true. Puffiana Jones, famed hackologist and adventurer!

Tracking down valuable artifacts and returning them to the public from the steely grip of greed. Many a villain has he pummeled, many a vile vendor has he thwarted, countless thugs, lawyers and kitties abound.

Join us now in his latest adventure. Hackers of the Lost RAID!

Marlus:

Puffy, this mission will be dangerous.

Puffy:

I'm a careful guy Marlus.

Puffy and Salmah:

They're hacking in the wrong place!

Beluge:

You will never get the documentation Jones! Ah ha ha ha ha!

Puffy:

Now you're gettin' nasty.

Puffy:

SCSI's, why'd it have to be SCSI's?

Salmah:

API's, very dangerous. You go first.

Narrator:

Through thick and thin our hero persists, until finally, there before him lies the answer of the ages. How to get OpenBSD, the world's most secure operating system, to communicate with the lost RAID. But alas, he is foiled once again by the evil Neozis. Again he must chase the truth. Will our hero prevail?

Triumphant again! Join us next time for the continuing adventures of Puffiana Jones!

The heroine is deaf to her device
her uncles on the farm,
send out the alarm
and the shit storm flies
E-maelstrom is lifting up the house
With Puffathy inside,
twisting up a ride
to the land of OS
Hard landing, the packets celebrate
The wicked lawyers dead
The open slippers red are
Hers to take

Ding dong the lawyer's dead
You're off to see the Wizard kid

The north witch instructed Puffathy
To get yourself back home
Take this yellow road and
You'll be fine
Believe in the open ruby shoes
Now go to see the Wiz and
give Taiwan your biz
You'll never lose
The 3 friends she made along the way
Were nice but pretty lame,
lazy and insane
but they sang OK

Ding dong the lawyer's dead
You're off to see the Wizard kid

Finally we're through the trees
The city glows
It's positively green
Pompously the wizard booms
He wants the broom of triple 'w'

Go to the west
You must pass the test
For me
Bring me the ride
of the witch I despise
And you'll be free

You don't need the broom
You don't need the shoes
You don't need the wiz
You will never lose
You have all you need
You always had heart
You always had courage
Did somebody fart?
You always had brains
You answered each call
And this may surprise you
But you've got some balls
So double click heels
and work with Taiwan
And speak to your doggie
You're already gone....

Well he rode from the ocean far upstream
Nuthin' to his name but a code and a dream
Lookin' for the legendary inland sea
Where the water was deep n' clean n' free

But the town he found had suffered a blow
Fish were dying, cause the water was low
Fat cat fish name o' Diamond Dawes
Plugged the stream with copyright laws

He said my water's good n' my water's free
So Pond-erosa, you gonna thank me!
Then he bottled it up and he labeled it "Mine"
They opened n' poured, but they ran outta time!

So Puff made a brand and he tanned his hide
Said. "this is the mark of too much pride"
Tied him to a horse, set the tail on fire
Slapped er on the ass and the water went higher!

Pond-erosa Puff
wouldn't take no guff
Water oughta be clean and free
So he fought the fight
and he set things right
With his OpenBSD

Well things were good fer a spell in town
But then one day, dang water turned brown
Comin' to the rescue, Mayor Reed
He said, "This here filter's all ya'll need"

But it didn't take long 'fore the filter plugged
Full of mud, n' crud, n' bugs
Folks said "gotta be a gooder way"
Mayor said "Hell No! She's O.K."

"The water's fine on the Open range"
And he passed a law that it couldn't change.
"No freeze, no boil, no frolicking young"
Puff took him aside, said "this is wrong"

Then he found the Mayor was addin' the crud!
So he took him down in a cloud of blood
Said "The Mayor's learnd, he's done been mean"
So they did it right and the water went clean!

CHORUS

So once agin' it was right, but then
The lake went dry, she was gone again!
Fish started flippin' and floppin' about
Yellin' "Mercy Puff! It's a doggone drought!"

So he rolled up-gulch till he hit the lake
Of Apache fish, they was on the take
They'd built a dam that was made of rules
Now Puff was pissed and he lost his cool!

I'm sick and tired of these goldarn words!
n' laws n' bureaucratic nerds!
You're full o' beans n' killin' my town
and if you's all don't shut er down

I'll hang a lickin' on every one
of you sons o' bitchin' greedy scum!
So he blew the dam, an' he let 'er haul
Cause water oughta be free for all!

CHORUS

That's right!
I'll hang a lickin' on ya!
Never piss on another man's boot!

Customer:

Hello, I would like to buy a CARP license please.

Licenser:

A what?

Customer:

A license for my network redundancy protocol, CARP.

Licenser:

Well, it's free isn't it?

Customer:

Exactly, the protocol's name is CARP. CARP the redundancy protocol.

Licenser:

What?

Customer:

He is an.... redundancy protocol.

Licenser:

CARP is a free redundancy protocol!

Customer:

Yes, I chose it out of three, I didn't like the others, they were all too... encumbered. And now I must license it!

Licenser:

You must be a looney.

Customer:

I am not a looney! Why should I be tied with the epithet looney merely because I wish to protect my redundancy protocol? I've heard tell that Network Associates has a pet algorithm called RSA used in IETF standards, and you wouldn't call them a looney; Geoworks has a claim on WAP, after what their lawyers do to you if you try to implement it. Cisco has two redundant patents, both encumbered, and Cadtrack has a patent on cursor movement! So, if you're calling the large American companies that fork out millions of dollars for the use of XOR a bunch of looneys, I shall have to ask you to step outside!

Licenser:

Alright, alright, alright. A license.

Customer:

Yes.

Licenser:

For a free redundancy protocol?

Customer:

Yes.

Licenser:

You are a looney.

Customer:

Look, it allows for bleeding redundancy doesn't it? Cisco's got a patent for the HSRP, and I've got to get a license for me router VRRP.

Licenser:

You don't need a license for your VRRP.

Customer:

I bleeding well do and I got one. It can't be called VRRP without it.

Licenser:

There's no such thing as a bloody VRRP license.

Customer:

Yes there is!

Licenser:

Isn't!

Customer:

Is!

Licenser:

Isn't!

Customer:

I bleeding got one, look! What's that then?

Licenser:

This is a Cisco HSRP patent document with the word "Cisco" crossed out and the word "IETF" written in crayon.

Customer:

The man didn't have the right form.

Licenser:

What man?

Customer:

Robert Barr, the man from the redundancy detector van.

Licenser:

The looney detector van, you mean.

Customer:

Look, it's people like you what cause unrest.

Licenser:

What redundancy detector van?

Customer:

The redundancy detector van from the Monopoly of Cizzz-coeee.

Licenser:

Cizzz-coeee?

Customer:

It was spelt like that on the van. I'm very observant! I never seen so many bleeding aerials. The man said that their equipment could pinpoint a failover configuration at 400 yards! And my Cisco router, being such a flappy bat, was a piece of cake.

Licenser:

How much did you pay for that?

Customer:

Sixty quid, and twenty grand for the PIX.

Licenser:

What PIX?

Customer:

The PIX I'm replacing!

Licenser:

So you're replacing your PIX with free software, and yet you want to license it?

Customer:

There's nothing so odd about that. I'm sure they patented this protocol too. After all, the IETF had a hand in it!

Licenser:

No they didn't!

Customer:

Did!

Licenser:

Didn't!

Customer:

Did, did, did and did!

Licenser:

Oh, all right.

Customer:

Spoken like a gentleman, sir. Now, are you going to give me a CARP license?

Licenser:

I promise you that there is no such thing. You don't need one.

Customer:

In that case, give me a Firewall License.

Licenser:

A license?

Customer:

Yes.

Licenser:

For your firewall?

Customer:

No.

Licenser:

No?

Customer:

No, half my firewall. It had an accident.

Licenser:

You're off your chump.

Customer:

Look, if you intend by that utilization of an obscure colloquialism to imply that my sanity is not entirely up to scratch, or indeed to deny the semi-existence of my little half firewall, I shall have to ask you to listen to this! Take it away CARP the orchestra leader!

A zero... one.. A one zero one one

VRRP, philosophically,
must ipso facto standard be
But standard it
needs to be free
vis-à-vis
the IETF
you see?

But can VRRP
be said to be
or not to be
a standard, see,
when VRRP can not be free,
due to some Cisco patentry..

Singing...

La Dee Dee, 1, 2, 3.
VRRP ain't free.
O P E N B S D
CARP is free

Is this wretched Cisco-eze
let through IETF to mean
my firewall must pay legal fees?
No! CARP and PF are Free!

Fiddle dee dum,
Fiddle dee dee,
CARP and PF are free.

1 1 2,
Tee Hee Hee,
CARP and PF are free.

My firewall just keeps running, see,
bisected accidentally,
one summer afternoon by me.
Redundancy's good when free.

Redundancy must be free.
Redundancy must be free.

The End

Under the Geddy Lee?

No, Redundancy must be free!

Geddy must be free.

Sir Puffy of Ramsay was a wandrin'
Through forests of seaweed all alone
He had found the crusades
were an endless charade
So for now he called Nothing Hack home

One day he met Little Bob of Beckley
Beat him fair on a log-in by staff
Clever chums they did find
other fish of their kind
Thwarting evil with humppa and math

Now trouble was a brewin' when the Good King was away
The Sheriff came a callin' for the poor to pay
With CD's and their freedom
for to share online
And burning down the village cause he was a slime

So Puffy and his buddies took the booty from the rich
and turned it into a system to protect poor fish
Sent out by Hook or a Wim
to the teaming schools
Town cryers were on fire cause the crypto ruled!

Chorus:
They called it "BSD"!
And "Open" because it's always free
So raise up your glass and
three cheers to the Funny
Fish for never running
and making something good!
And here's to Puffy Hood!

Aaaw! Word to the sea y'all
The Hood's a bad ball
Ya underneath he's a heathen and a traitor
He can take from you all and say "later!"
Think he's a hero?
Naw he ain't lovin' ya
He gettin' richer than Bill Gates and Dubya
Read the Wanted poster
of Sheriff Plac-o-derm fool
We gettin' back the booty
or we take away your worms too

Yo! Word to the classes
Put on your glasses
I guess the Sheriff is King till this passes
Times are a changin' and movin' so fast
He says "Give me your freedom,
I'll grasp it and pass it to brass
who can hash it for weapons of massive distraction.
And hand me the bastards that brashly amassed from the cash
happy faction of oily and gassy co-action".
No! Don't hand em dick, grab a stick, keep attacking for freedom
and hack till the King cometh back and leave em'

Then trouble was a rollin' with an army on the run
The Sheriff came a callin' for the spikey one
And took back all the booty
Puff intended for the poor
The Arch-a-thon went on despite the mighty roar

Puff snuck into the castle, and found the treasure hill
And also found Maid Marlin held against her will
He loaded all the loot
to give it back and big surprise
He took the maiden too, 'cause she was easy on the eyes

Chorus:
They called it "BSD"!
And "Open" because it's always free
So raise up your glass and
three cheers to the Funny
Fish for never running
and making something good!
And here's to Puffy Hood!

Deep through the mists of time
Gaze to the crystal ball
Back to the age of darkness
Black was the protocol

A King ruled the web with fear
Spilling the blood of men
Then from the ocean came
Puff the Barbarian

Born in a tiny bowl Puff was a pet
Sold into slav-er-y by the man
Eating the weeds till he was strong enough
Breaking his bonds like nobody can

Down the sewer pipes of Hell
A thousand kitties then did bleed
Constraints were slain as well
Hacked his way out to the C

And there he found
His destiny
Hammer of the Ocean God
"Xor taking care of me"

Then in a dream Xor requested he
"Go to the Sun King, get what I yearn
Kernighan saw it, prophet of the C
Knowledge — so they may never return"

At the tower Puff appealed
For the wisdom of the One
Denied, his mind did reel
Puff was getting tired of Sun

Broke down the guard
Cause math is hard
Saw McNealy on his throne
All alone and only bones

Come the Sun King blade ablur
Hammer down eclipse the Sun
And Puff, the land secured
The new King Barbarian!

Goldflipper
With golden skin
and flippers as sharp as a knife
He's the machine
Designed to dismember your life

And the fish
Protecting us all from the cat
And the cat
Infecting the wo-orld for a laugh

Cyborg on a mission
To do some Puff fishin'
The doctor wants fugu tonight!

(short instrumental intro)

You'll need some machismo to
catch the spikey one
He's got guts and gizmos to
make the system run

But Flip's here for fun
and without a gun
He'll dice you with his Golden fin

She's all over Puff cause he's
such a sexy catch
Is she spying on him or
just a seafood match?

Oh double seven
Send me to Heaven
Cause for Mr. Po-o-o-ond

The women are fond
She knows what to do
She'll turn Gold to goo

Goldflipper is gone
Gold flipper's goooooooooooooone

BSD fight buffer reign
Flowing blood in circuit vein
Quagmire, Hellfire, RAMhead Count
Puffy rip attacker out

Crackin' ze bathroom, Crackin' ze vault
Tale of the script, HEY! Secure by default

Can't fight the Systemagic
Über tragic
Can't fight the Systemagic

Sexty second, black cat struck
Breeding worm of crypto-suck
Hot rod box unt hunting wake
Vampire omellete, kitten cake

Crackin' ze boardroom, Crackin' ze vault
Rippin' ze bat, HEY! Secure by default

Chorus

Cybersluts vit undead guts
Transyl-viral coffin muck
Penguin lurking under bed
Puffy hoompa on your head

Crackin' ze bedroom, Crackin' ze vault
Crackin' ze whip, HEY! Secure by default
Crackin' ze bedroom, Crackin' ze vault
Crackin' ze whip, HEY! Secure by default

Chorus

Don't tell anyone I'm free
Don't tell anyone I'm free

During these hostile and trying times and what-not
OpenBSD may be your family's only line of defense

I'm secure by default

They that can give up liberty to obtain a little temporary safety
deserve neither liberty nor safety

RELEASE TIME!!!!

Stay off, stay off, stay off...
I'm secure by default
stay off, stay off, stay off