Zuckerberg Vows Facebook Will Shoot Down Google Drones

MENLO PARK, CA (The Borowitz Report)—One day after Google outbid Facebook for a manufacturer of solar-powered drones, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg served warning that his company was prepared to blow Google’s drones out of the skies.

At a presentation for Facebook employees at the company’s headquarters in Menlo Park, Zuckerberg announced plans to build a $24 billion Facebook laser shield, a global network of satellites capable of identifying and incinerating Google drones in midair.

Zuckerberg delighted his audience with a brief animated demonstration showing a Facebook satellite locking in on a Google drone and obliterating it with a green laser.

“Unfriended, bitch,” said Zuckerberg, to a roaring ovation from his employees.

Within an hour, Google responded with a stern warning of is own, vowing, “Any act of aggression against Google drones will not stand.”

To that end, the company announced that it was prepared to shoot down Facebook’s laser satellites with a long-range super cannon called Google Gun.

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Photograph by Justin Sullivan/Getty.

Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author, comedian, and creator of The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.

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