U.S. Freezes Putin’s Netflix Account

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what was described as a major ramping up of sanctions, Secretary of State John Kerry announced on Tuesday that the United States had frozen Russian President Vladimir Putin’s Netflix account, effective immediately.

“Unless and until Mr. Putin calls off the annexation of Crimea, no more ‘House of Cards’ or ‘Orange Is the New Black’ for him,” Mr. Kerry said. “The United States will not stand by and reward the annexation of another sovereign nation with a policy of streaming as usual.”

While all of the sanctions Mr. Kerry announced on Tuesday were Netflix-related, he warned Mr. Putin that “nothing is off the table.”

“I’m sure I don’t need to remind the Russian President that ‘Game of Thrones’ is about to come back for another season,” he said. “As I have said, this thing could get very ugly, very fast.”

Get news satire from The Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox.

Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author, comedian, and creator of The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.

Holiday Movies We’re Going to Skip

“A Child’s Christmas in a Waymo,” “Alan Dershowitz Is Coming to Town,” and more.

So You Want to Come to My New Vinyl-Listening Bar

You may get up to use the restroom, but only between sides. During songs, please remain still. Any movement above shoulder level will be interpreted as dance.

Dear Pepper: Slaying the Self-Doubt Dragon

It is easier for me to write my truth than to speak it.

Updated Rules for Children at Our Brewery

Our chairs are for sitting on, not for constructing elaborate forts.

William Steig, Bursting with Joy

He shies away neither from harshness nor from unadulterated sweetness. He also writes great female characters.

J. J. Sempé, Deity of Whimsy

His urban idylls are populated by bald businessmen who escape reality by biking and daydreaming.

James Thurber, Consummate Doodler

It wasn’t until I started cartooning myself that I realized he only made it look easy.

Gahan Wilson, Hilarious and Terrifying

He had his own world: a place where the funny and the horrific crossed paths.

Alice Harvey, Humor Pathfinder

My hand twitches with instinctive joy at how you draw a woman’s hat, coat, stance.

A Century of New Yorker Cartoons

Highlights from the first hundred years of this magazine’s most succinct, quadrilateral humor.

A Day in My Highly Optimized, Convenient Life

With a single tap on the screen, I open the blinds, with another, I turn on the espresso machine, and with a third, I review the footage from my Ring camera.

Daily Cartoon: Friday, January 2nd

A drawing that riffs on the latest news and happenings.