SeriesF

MENLO PARK, CA - Late this afternoon, Facebook announced that it was shutting down it’s mobile development platform, Parse. 

The Facebook Venture Capital firm noted that Parse was being shut down since it was heavily based on MongoDB, a platform most Facebook developers despise.

In typical Facebook fashion, they already announced their non-relational database platform scheduled for release next week.

A Facebook developer stated, “Honestly, we just think we can do anything better than anyone, and Mongo seemed like the next best place to start.”

On a side note, Facebook is still looking for PHP developers to make any sense of their homepage code.

NEW YORK, NY - The popular programming questions & answers site Stack Overflow is now the target of a hefty Class Action lawsuit that could ultimately result in the companies demise.

“Stack Overflow promised us answers to our questions, but instead we had to explain to our bosses that we don’t know what we’re doing,” claimed lead plaintiff, Jimmy, who has lost his job due to an unanswered Stack Overflow question.

If you’ve ever had a question on Stack Overflow go unanswered, you may qualify for a chunk of the settlement or damages caused by lost income. If you’d like to participate in the lawsuit, just fill out this form.

Jeff Atwood, cofounder of the site, reached out to us, “If this lawsuit continues, Stack Overflow will be forced to shut down, is that what you want? Everyone will lose their jobs, that’s the real horror.”

MILWAUKEE, WI - A local developer, Mark, has sat in his cubicle and programmed every day of his life since Sublime Text first came out almost 8 years ago.

“After every 5th time you save, a message pops up asking you to pay for Sublime,” Mark explained. You could see the wrinkles of terror crease in his face.

“It’s destroyed my marriage, my life, my fantasy football standings.” So Mark decided to do what no other developer has done before: actually pay for Sublime Text.

At $70, the software could very well be on of the most expensive things a developer ever buys, “I actually debated coding my own editor from scratch first, it would probably only take me a day or two.”

But soon after hitting that buy button, things began looking up for Mark. Now he wakes up every day with a smile on his face, and he even got a raise at work for his increased productivity.

Rock on, Mark, rock on.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Rejoice developers, GitHub has finally released a +1 feature for issues!

Instead of taking a few seconds to type “+1″ and respond to an issue, thus surely capturing the attention of the repos maintainer, you can now press the “+1″ button and it will automatically do this for you.

We asked a representative from GitHub why this took so long, “It’s actually a very complex feature, we had to hire 15 Google+ developers just to get the job done.”

When Google found out, they immediately sued GitHub, but after agreeing that +1ed issues should automatically be shared on developers Google+ timelines, the lawsuit was settled.

You cannot turn this option off, and a Google+ account is required.

Update: A GitHub correspondant has reached out to us, letting us know that if you have a paid account, the “+1″ button will automatically post a funny GIF for you as well.

REDMOND, WA - Today Microsoft announced its brand new browser, Microsoft Edge, or rather “the browser formerly known as Spartan, formerly known as Internet Explorer.”

SeriesF spoke with a Microsoft representative who said, “We’ve given this thing three different names now, and we still can’t get the marketing right. We’ll have to set up a meeting to start deciding on a fourth.”

The marketing team reportedly spent a single meeting in Hawaii figuring out how to improve their long term strategy, “we gave them a blank check and they used 10x the budget we gave engineering on one trip.”

While Google stock skyrockets, the Microsoft representative also stated “we just have to hope that releasing .NET on OS X and Linux will soften the blow.”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Marketing firm, “Guy, Guy & Stalone”, has decided that it is going to rebrand itself as a startup exclusive marketing agency within the next few months.

“Startups just don’t have the budget or the time for full-fledged marketing,” said Guy, “so we’re planning on taking it back to the good ‘ol days of the dotcom bubble and offer marketing services for equity.”

When asked what the overall vision for the new firm was, Stalone responded, “We want to reimagine reimagining.”

Guy, Guy & Stalone plans to open up its 2015 Marketing “Class” Y-Combinator style in the fall, and is currently taking applications for Startups now.

CUPERTINO, CA - Now that the Apple Watch is out, we can finally do our analysis and see which apps have risen to the top, and which just haven’t nailed that Apple Watch feel.

Rolex has released its “Virtual Watch Store” exclusively on the Apple Watch, and it has quickly dominated the Apple Watch Store, rising to the number one spot within the first hour of release.

“We wanted to give potential customers the ability to try on our watches in the comfort of their own homes before buying,” a spokesman for Rolex said.

A side-effect of the Rolex app however, is that young Apple fanboys are able to drop $349 on an Apple Watch and “sport a new Rolex” at a fraction of the price tag.

Catering to this demand, Rolex has also said, “we plan to add antique hipster watches to our app in order to appeal to a younger demographic.”

Submitted By: Mubashar Iqbal

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - The evasive Mr. X, founder of ClankleCo, held a press conference this morning to announce his newest round of $237M, the most a stealth startup has ever raise in a single round.

“I want to thank our investors for believing in us, even though we haven’t even told them what we’re doing,” said X.

When asked what he plans were for taking the companies product public, he responded, “As far as I’m concerned we’re content staying in stealth mode for the life of the company, we’re just really afraid someone is going to steal our idea.”

After the press conference, a dozen or so additional investors were seen approaching X asking about the next round.

Submitted By: Mubashar Iqbal

ATLANTA, GA - Georgia Tech freshman, Tiff Zhang, set a world record today by putting the final touches on her 1000th startup in a single year.

While some of them have been much less successful than others, her determination has wowed us all. “It’s just something I love doing!” she told us. When asked what her favorite startups were, she mentioned Woodable.

“Woodable uses woods to dedicate things that matter,” she said. We have absolutely no idea what that means. She also said something about Paty, “a different kind of patting app,” but we had already become bored by then.

Check out Tiff’s startups by clicking here. Just refresh the page or click “Get started” to cycle through them.

LAS VEGAS, NV - Mirage Hotel & Casino has announced plans to open a new “startup investing” section on their Las Vegas property.

38 startups have been chosen for the initial table, one for each pocket on the roulette wheel. A spokesperson for the casino said, “we chose startups based on landing pages featured in top design blogs.”

Angel investors are encouraged to place multiple bets to insure a better chance of “success.” Once the ball lands in one of the pockets, term sheets are handed out by casino management to the winners.

Of course, Mirage is taking 2% equity in every startup that gets a place on the wheel. According to Las Vegas insiders, other property developers are planning to expand rival casinos to accommodate this new type of gambling.

Our bets are on black! 

Submitted by: Tev Kofsky