Life, Love, Loss, and Time: A Cautionary Tale
pathdependent.comThis is my response to the blog post that I wrote, Mortality and Dating (http://pathdependent.com/articles/mortality-and-dating). It was oddly popular on HN, so I'm submitting the follow up. Although the situation is not very common, I think a lot of people on here make the same mistakes for different reasons.
My experience with a life-threatening medical condition and "love" was very different from yours. I went through a period where I allowed men into my life that I normally wouldn't have given the time of day to because I had no idea how long I would live. I lowered my standards and it caused me to get to know people I wouldn't have otherwise known. Those relationships eventually fell by the wayside but not without first opening my eyes, my mind and my heart. I'm currently alone and I do plan on getting myself adequately healthy first before I will pursue physical intimacy (for me, it is the only sane thing as my medical situation is different from yours) but I am not rejecting of love. I suppose I won't quite know what to do when the time comes, for quite a lot of reasons, but I'm not terribly worried about it. I'm also okay with being alone if that is the only way to stay healthy but I'm not convinced that will always be true.
Peace and best wishes.
Yea. I don't see anything wrong with being alone when the right person is not there. Settling is not better than being alone. What I did was worse than that. I had something great and turned my back on it.
I'm sorry for your pain about what you have done. I am not inclined to judge such things in terms of "good" or "bad". I'm sorry you seem to have so much difficulty accepting love. Given your history prior to your diagnosis -- of not dating in high school and then screwing around casually in college -- I am inclined to think that your medical condition is just another excuse for your inability to accept love and not the real reason. Inability to accept love seems to have preceded your diagnosis, not followed it.
I have a form of cystic fibrosis. On CF forums, people sometimes discuss being alone, feeling like no one would love them, feeling like they would be wrong to get involved because they could die on someone and so on. I got married at age 19 and wasn't diagnosed until I was 35. So I had no such excuses. My reasons for feeling unlovable when I was younger were rooted in sexual abuse. But an awful lot of people seem to have some reason or other for feeling unlovable -- even people who marry and may appear to the outside world like they have their act together. I was married for about 22 years. It was never a happy marriage and would have ended much sooner had I not turned up unexpectedly pregnant at age 21. We loved each other (ie were "in love" at one time and continued to sincerely care) but had terrible communication problems and other issues. We divorced as a final kindness, as the only nice thing we could still do for each other.
Something I always told my sons: No one can "deserve" unconditional love. If you could deserve it, it wouldn't be unconditional. We can only try to accept it should it come into our lives.
Nearly dying taught me to live. And getting a diagnosis empowered me to get myself healthier and finally start getting my life together after a lifetime of frustration and bafflement. For me, being celibate is a practical matter while I heal from decades of infection and inadequate care. Because that is my main reason for being alone, it has been experienced from very differently than what I expected/feared for most of my life. For me, it has been freeing, healing and empowering. If I could wave a magic wand and give you piece of that, I would.
Peace.